Go to h3ll

[markomalley]

A man dies and goes to hell. There he discovers that he has a choice: he can go to capitalist hell or to communist hell. Naturally, he wants to compare the two, so he goes over to capitalist hell. There outside the door is the devil, who looks a bit like Ronald Reagan. "What's it like in there?" asks the visitor. "Well," the devil replies, "in capitalist hell, they flay you alive, then they boil you in oil and then they cut you up into small pieces with sharp knives."

"That's terrible!" he gasps. "I'm going to check out communist hell!" He goes over to communist hell, where he discovers a huge queue of people waiting to get in. He waits in line. Eventually he gets to the front and there at the door to communist hell is a little old man who looks a bit like Karl Marx. "I'm still in the free world, Karl," he says, "and before I come in, I want to know what it's like in there."

"In communist hell," says Marx impatiently, "they flay you alive, then they boil you in oil, and then they cut you up into small pieces with sharp knives."

"But… but that's the same as capitalist hell!" protests the visitor, "Why such a long queue?"

"Well," sighs Marx, "Sometimes we're out of oil, sometimes we don't have knives, sometimes no hot water…"

[templelady]

Sister Margaret dies and approaches the pearly gates where she is met by St Peter. He welcomes her profusely then says "Sister, We are having a bit of a housing shortage here so we are having to double up on the overflow, However we have rented some condos from Satan and you being such an exemplary example of a Christian we know you would be okay there for a few days while we get your mansion ready."

Sister Margaret agrees and heads for her temporary housing.

The next morning St Peter calls and Says "how are things going" and Sister Margaret says "Last night I went to a party and danced all night with different men" St Peter says "that's okay, you've led such a perfect life that will be no problem at this stage".

The second morning St Peter calls and Sister says " last night I went to another party and danced all night with different men and got falling down drunk. And St Peter says, "Not to worry we'll have your housing ready in 48 hours."

The morning of the third day Sister Margaret calls St Peter and says "Hey Pete, cancel my reservations!"

[dmiller]

A Texan died and went to heaven where St. Peter met him at the Pearly Gates.

“Show me what you got, Pete,” said Tex.

St. Peter swung open the gates and revealed a beautiful landscape

of mountains, rivers, streams, trees, flowers and all the trimmings.

“We’ve got that in Texas. We call it King Ranch,” said Tex.

St. Pete flashed up a scene of men, women and children frolicking in the

countryside, riding coaches, swinging, swimming, riding horses, bicycling, etc.

“We’ve got that, too. We call it Six Flags.”

Whereupon St. Peter threw open a trapdoor of the fires of Hell

and out shot a huge ball of fire followed by a solid stream of flame

sweeping over the entire area. The blinding light and heat were enormous.

“We don’t have that,” said Tex, “but we’ve got a guy in Houston who can put it out.”