Power Outage During a Mammogram

[Belle]

I actually kept my mammogram appointment. I was met with, "Hi! I'm Belinda!" This perky clipboard carrier smiled from ear to ear, tilted her head to one side and crooned, "All I need you to do is step into this room right hereee, strip to the waist, thennnn slip on this gown. Everything clearrrr?"

I'm thinking, "Belinda . try decaf. This ain't rocket science."

Belinda skipped away to prepare the chamber of horrors. Call me crazy, but I suspect a man invented this machine. It takes a perfectly healthy cup size of 36-B to a size 38-LONG in less than 60 seconds. Also, girls aren't made of sugar and spice and everything nice....it's Spandex. We can be stretched, pulled and twisted over a cold 4-inch piece of square glass and still pop back into shape.

With the right side finished, Belinda flipped me (literally) to the left and said, "Hmmmm. Can you stand on your tippy toes and lean in a tad so we can get everything?"

"Fine", I answered. I was freezing, bruised, and out of air, so why not use the remaining circulation in my legs and neck and finish me off?

My body was in a holding pattern that defied gravity (with my other boob wedged between those two 4" pieces of square glass) when we heard, then felt a zap! Complete darkness and the power went off!

"What?" I yelled. "Oh, maintenance is working. Bet they hit a snag." Belinda headed for the door.

"Excuse me! You're not leaving me in this vise alone, are you?" I shouted.

Belinda kept going and said, "Oh, you fussy puppy ... the door's wide open so you'll have the emergency hall lights. I'll be righttttt backkkk."

Before I could shout "NOOOO!" she disappeared.

And that's exactly how Bubba and Earl, maintenance men extraordinaire, found me, half-naked and part of me

dangling from the Jaws of Life and the other part smashed between glass!

After exchanging polite "Hi, how's it going" type greetings, Bubba (or possibly Earl) asked, to my utter disbelief, if I knew the power was off. Trying to disguise my hysteria, I replied with as much calmness as possible. "Uh, yes, yes I did thanks."

"You bet, take care" Bubba replied and waved good-bye as though I'd been standing in the line at the grocery store.

Two hours later, Belinda breezes in wearing a sheepish grin and making no attempt to suppress her amusement, she said. "Oh I am soooo sorry! The power came back on and I totally forgot about you! And silly me, I went to lunch. Are we upset?"

And that, Your Honor, is exactly how her head ended up between the clamps........

[T-Bone]

Belle - excuse me for laughing at your woeful tale - but I wanna tell yah! You've got a knack for story-telling. That's like something you'd read in a Reader's Digest...I take it you did not sustain any physical injuries - hope your pride has a quick recovery!!!! Thanks for the laughs - you have set the tone for my day!!!

Edited April 27, 2006 by T-Bone

[Belle]

I'm glad you liked it T-Bone, but I can't take credit for it. Sorry I didn't make that clear...this is an e-mail that was passed around some time ago. I did bust a gut reading it. There's another one about a girl trying to wax herself. I'll see if I can find that one, too. I cried my eyes out laughing so hard at that one.

[topoftheworld]

ROFLMAO!!!!

Yeah, I always thought the same thing-a man had to have invented that damn machine.

That's why God created protologists.

[krys]

Proctologists are too good for most of them!

Whoever invented the all stuff to torture our poor sensitive parts should have more than a proctologist. How about a dozen diseased yaks leaving a present in the glove compartment of their cars!?

[templelady]

I now KNow I had a good reason to skip that mammogram appointment

[dmiller]

Here is my deleted post from the original thread.

It didn't fit in over there, but I'm thinking it does here. ;)

[CoolWaters]

Thelma, dear....I knew you didn't originate that laugh story. You see, dear, you are TOO YOUNG to be required to endure this torture. Also...said in my best aside whisper...dear, you've haven't been a B cup since middle school.

And David...that'd be funny if I didn't know so many men who would have too much fun with such a machine...

[topoftheworld]

Cool-ROFLMAO!!!!!

[CoolWaters]

Hehe.

[Belle]

Thelma, dear....I knew you didn't originate that laugh story. You see, dear, you are TOO YOUNG to be required to endure this torture.

Louise, Darlin', there you are wrong. I have been required to endure said torture several times already. ;)

Also...said in my best aside whisper...dear, you've haven't been a B cup since middle school.

That, my dear, is correct except I think it was prior to middle school, but who's counting?

[CoolWaters]

So I'm wrong about your youth. I've been wrong before. Honest!