I feel for you Chef. I don't think if you did not shed tears you would be human. Your mom knows you love her (What a good thing for you and her). Take care and prayers and good thoughts comming your way.
Oh my gosh cool................my mother past 2 years ago in March...........it is so difficult..........but she always told me that she was not afraid and that seemed to help me............I didn't want any pain or fear for her.........she was always thinking of her children to the end........May God bless you and your family.......
I go on another Christain site. And the VERY thing you are discussing upsets MANY MANY people there as well, IT is not just about being in the stupid cult, its about people just maybe speaking out of a paper rectum.
The area on RAPE on this other site, well a woman went into what happened to her and bled her heart out with pain and fear, and someone responded, "Forgive your attacker."
Another discussed how she was raped by her father. The response was to forgive him and move on.
The lack of compassion, understanding and love was monumental.
I got on and told them if they never wanted to forgive them they didn't have to do it. If they wanted to forgive them someday, that would be between them and God. It is NONE of my business.
And if someone is in pain for 40 years it is very sad, and saying "Get over it" well, I imagine the person wants to get over it but for some reason still has a need to "talk about it"
Anyway, the point is that this kind of expression to someone who is still in pain is insensitive. And it "shuts them down" making it even more difficult to "get over it" because now they don't feel like they are in a safe place to talk about it, but must justify why they aren't over it. That kind of pressure "get over it" is way more hurtful than helpful.
And someone over there actually wrote a post on "What not to say..."
And the "Get over it" "Forgive them" sh it was on the list.
Perhaps the person should say, "I was in severe pain and I was able to "get over it" I hope someday you will be able get all the pain out and heal. I have and I feel better." That would be more kind.
Belle here is the begining of the list on the other site. Just so you know this kind of thing happens elsewhere.
Here it is off the RAPE area:
Things not to say to a survivor
These are things that have been said to me, and I have seen a couple of them here, so I think this post is necessary.
Things Not To Say to a Survivor:
"It's all your fault."
We already feel like it's our fault, we don't need to hear it. Not only that, but assault is NEVER the victims fault. It doesn't matter if they were standing in the middle of a dark alley drunk and naked, they did not ask for sex.
"You should have reported it."
I know that reporting it can help keep them off the streets and all, but it is a VERY hard thing to do, and for some, the thought of reporting it and facing their assailant in court is a more traumatic thought than what actually happened to them. Reporting it is a personal choice, one the victim must make on their own.
"Just forgive/pray for the guy and don't think about it anymore."
If it were that simple, we would have done it already.
"Oh, you were just (fill in the blank). You're lucky, it could have been worse, you know."
No, it couldn't have been worse. Assault is assault. While there are different experiences, there are no degrees. It's all just as traumatic.
"Why didn't you (fill in action here)." or, "If it were me, I would have (fill in the blank)."
We all like to think of what we would have/could have done, but the truth is, you never know until it actually happens. Your body and mind do not react to assault and trauma like they do to normal everyday stressors. Many people freeze up, and that's okay, because it's the mind and body's way of protectiong itself. If they are here, they did something right. They survived, and that's really what it's all about.
"You're not over that yet?" or "You're still thinking about that?"
Any kind of trauma takes a lifetime to "get over." There will come a time when we are "healed" and will think about it less, but it's something that will always be with us.
I'm sure more will come up eventually, but these are the big ones I have noticed. Feel free to add to the list.
Wanted to bring this up again...twi has always mastered "Get over it,we need to move on" Type of comments,are were? common in twi,Sometimes you just have to hash it out deal with it have a good cry fit temper tantrum whatever.
It is healthy to have a past,Pictures memories,even if at times are not pleasant.Later
Well, after reading here when this topic began, the phrase, 'Just Get Over It' has come up many times during the following weeks.
Telling someone 'to just get over it' is none of my business. Maybe I said that before...? But for myself, I do need to let certain 'things' go and move on to something better. If not, I'd be miserable.
This morning I was reading the book 'Get Your Act Together' by Pam Young & Peggy Jones... the 'slob sisters'. They are the authors of 'Sidetracked Home Executives', another enjoyable read. Their ideas have been helpful for our family.
In the Acknowledgements of Get Your Act Together, the sister's say, "Growing up, we were allowed to be discouraged, depressed, angry, or in a bad mood, but Mom was always there with a timer and we had ten minutes to get through it and get on with life".
I found this helpful today, and was reminded that IT'S UP TO ME to allow or get rid of thoughts!
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coolchef1248 @adelphia.net
thank you all for your kind words
i'm heading up there now to cook breakfast
have a great day
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ChattyKathy
(((chef)))
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justloafing
I feel for you Chef. I don't think if you did not shed tears you would be human. Your mom knows you love her (What a good thing for you and her). Take care and prayers and good thoughts comming your way.
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coolchef1248 @adelphia.net
thank you all again
we took her off oxygen this am
she is taking a breat every 8 second and seems to be peaceful she told me she is ready to see dad
who died 6 years ago
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outofdafog
Oh my gosh cool................my mother past 2 years ago in March...........it is so difficult..........but she always told me that she was not afraid and that seemed to help me............I didn't want any pain or fear for her.........she was always thinking of her children to the end........May God bless you and your family.......
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topoftheworld
Praying for you, Chef...
and {{{David}}}-I didn't know about your loss-I'm so sorry.....
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socks
Chef, ditto. Hope all is well.
CK, I did and she sends her love. Thanks. (I'm in deja vu land - could swear I posted this same post yesterday, but don't see it. :blink: )
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ChattyKathy
Thanks Socks. :)
And I knew CK was me not him.
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socks
Boy, that sure does feel good when I stop, lemme try that again...
Thanks ChattyMcKathy for your patience. And CK too. And a big hearty huzzah for the entire room! Coffee's on me! No, not like that....!!!
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Tom Strange
my brother from the sock drawer... you are a fine example of an OLM! ...you are truly Amazing my friend!
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Dot Matrix
Crying here from all the love and loss.
Belle:
I go on another Christain site. And the VERY thing you are discussing upsets MANY MANY people there as well, IT is not just about being in the stupid cult, its about people just maybe speaking out of a paper rectum.
The area on RAPE on this other site, well a woman went into what happened to her and bled her heart out with pain and fear, and someone responded, "Forgive your attacker."
Another discussed how she was raped by her father. The response was to forgive him and move on.
The lack of compassion, understanding and love was monumental.
I got on and told them if they never wanted to forgive them they didn't have to do it. If they wanted to forgive them someday, that would be between them and God. It is NONE of my business.
And if someone is in pain for 40 years it is very sad, and saying "Get over it" well, I imagine the person wants to get over it but for some reason still has a need to "talk about it"
Anyway, the point is that this kind of expression to someone who is still in pain is insensitive. And it "shuts them down" making it even more difficult to "get over it" because now they don't feel like they are in a safe place to talk about it, but must justify why they aren't over it. That kind of pressure "get over it" is way more hurtful than helpful.
And someone over there actually wrote a post on "What not to say..."
And the "Get over it" "Forgive them" sh it was on the list.
Perhaps the person should say, "I was in severe pain and I was able to "get over it" I hope someday you will be able get all the pain out and heal. I have and I feel better." That would be more kind.
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Dot Matrix
Belle here is the begining of the list on the other site. Just so you know this kind of thing happens elsewhere.
Here it is off the RAPE area:
Things not to say to a survivor
These are things that have been said to me, and I have seen a couple of them here, so I think this post is necessary.
Things Not To Say to a Survivor:
"It's all your fault."
We already feel like it's our fault, we don't need to hear it. Not only that, but assault is NEVER the victims fault. It doesn't matter if they were standing in the middle of a dark alley drunk and naked, they did not ask for sex.
"You should have reported it."
I know that reporting it can help keep them off the streets and all, but it is a VERY hard thing to do, and for some, the thought of reporting it and facing their assailant in court is a more traumatic thought than what actually happened to them. Reporting it is a personal choice, one the victim must make on their own.
"Just forgive/pray for the guy and don't think about it anymore."
If it were that simple, we would have done it already.
"Oh, you were just (fill in the blank). You're lucky, it could have been worse, you know."
No, it couldn't have been worse. Assault is assault. While there are different experiences, there are no degrees. It's all just as traumatic.
"Why didn't you (fill in action here)." or, "If it were me, I would have (fill in the blank)."
We all like to think of what we would have/could have done, but the truth is, you never know until it actually happens. Your body and mind do not react to assault and trauma like they do to normal everyday stressors. Many people freeze up, and that's okay, because it's the mind and body's way of protectiong itself. If they are here, they did something right. They survived, and that's really what it's all about.
"You're not over that yet?" or "You're still thinking about that?"
Any kind of trauma takes a lifetime to "get over." There will come a time when we are "healed" and will think about it less, but it's something that will always be with us.
I'm sure more will come up eventually, but these are the big ones I have noticed. Feel free to add to the list.
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coolchef1248 @adelphia.net
oh you gals who were abused
i feel so sorry for you to go throught that has to suck
i pray daily for you and for gsc for learning of this stuff
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Belle
Thank you, all!
(((((Cool)))))
I'm praying for you and your family, friend.
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frank123lol
Wanted to bring this up again...twi has always mastered "Get over it,we need to move on" Type of comments,are were? common in twi,Sometimes you just have to hash it out deal with it have a good cry fit temper tantrum whatever.
It is healthy to have a past,Pictures memories,even if at times are not pleasant.Later
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SafariVista
Well, after reading here when this topic began, the phrase, 'Just Get Over It' has come up many times during the following weeks.
Telling someone 'to just get over it' is none of my business. Maybe I said that before...? But for myself, I do need to let certain 'things' go and move on to something better. If not, I'd be miserable.
This morning I was reading the book 'Get Your Act Together' by Pam Young & Peggy Jones... the 'slob sisters'. They are the authors of 'Sidetracked Home Executives', another enjoyable read. Their ideas have been helpful for our family.
In the Acknowledgements of Get Your Act Together, the sister's say, "Growing up, we were allowed to be discouraged, depressed, angry, or in a bad mood, but Mom was always there with a timer and we had ten minutes to get through it and get on with life".
I found this helpful today, and was reminded that IT'S UP TO ME to allow or get rid of thoughts!
It's up to ME, and no one else...
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