Mr. Lingo - a word fitly spoken in this thread, TIME!
It takes time to get past things - to move on. We're human. We don't have perfectly renewed minds. It takes a lot of work sometimes to just let things be and to stop rehashing them mentally, thinking it may change something. Some people have great coping skills and can seem to move easily though life. Other people need to analyze situations and encounters - they look at many angles, and sometimes even hold onto things to long. No one can or should measure their coping capibilities against another person's - it's not fair or honest.
I think the bigger picture of this "Get Over It" thread is more, what's healthy and what isn't healthy - when should you let go because it's the right time - or are you letting bitterness, or other negitives comsume you? Most certainly, these are personal decisions that someone must make on their own - and sometimes perhaps a spouse, close friend, or relative can help them see they are dwelling on the past TOO much - like in your incident - and they will learn to let it go. I still say that when someone - a stranger, a drive-by poster, a casual aquaintance, etc. - just blurts it out, "oh, get over it already!" - it's still the laziest counciling job there is - it's just immature and heartless.
I always think back to a teaching where someone said, "God expects us to forgive. He doesn't command us to forget because it's impossible to do." That's probably one of the healthier things I gleaned from my time in TWI.
sunesis, i get it. but i'm not in the way, and i'm not talking about way-ish ways of doing things. i'm not talking about "tough love," either. just that sometimes, sometimes, when ample time has passed and you just can't seem to figure out how to get passed it (whatever "it" is), i have found it helps to make a mental adjustment: "get over it."
what is "ample time?" i dunno, it depends. but eventually, the time comes when enough is enough. you acknowldge that whatever you're doing doesn't seem to be working, and you tell yourself "i'm not going to do this anymore. i'm going to take a giant step over that thing i keep tripping over and move on." IN MY EXPERIENCE, it works. for everyone? nope. every time? uh-uh. i don't know the mechanism. i can't quote you chapter and verse. i just know it works--and sometimes it's the best thing you can tell someone.
and all this is predicated on the first thing iwrote about it. so here's part of my original post on the subject:
folks often decide to hold on to things, when they could let them go. they think "i'm not ready," or "it's too soon," and insist that they have more wallowing to do. (i realize the word "wallowing" may offend some, but i think it's a pretty accurate word to use.)
my point is, if they didn't reject the idea of getting over it, they might find they get over it sooner. yes, people are different, and some are more predisposed to letting things go than others. but there is an element of choice in these things.
Before people can "get over" certain things, they themselves must perceive the actual need to get over them. Like Dr. Phil says, they need to see the payoff.
They themselves must see how haboring hatred, anger, guilt, fear (or whatever it is) is actually hurting them and possibly those around them.
This of course assumes that "get over it" is used in a helpful and concerned manner and is not just something said to get someone to shut up cause we don't want to hear it.
ometimes, sometimes , when ample time has passed and you just can't seem to figure out how to get passed it (whatever "it" is), i have found it helps to make a mental adjustment: "get over it."
sprawled out, I tend to agree with you there, but on a practical level I call it "cutting your losses".
I think one of the problems with the "get over it" saying is that it's unrealistic if it's meant to say "if you can't fix the problem, just move on past it and get on with your life".
It may be impossible to get on with the rest of your life freely and clearly with certain types of things unresolved. In other words, what can't be fixed may not be able to be completely fixed by an adjustment to bypass it.
"Most" things though, yes. Practially speaking we have to develop the skills in life to deal with pressure, hurt, stress and prioritize ourselves in such a way that we can put things in scale. If we don't life would certainly get unmanagable. And most of us do I think.
A simple example of something more serious, a person loses a limb, a leg. They aren't going to be able to walk the same as they did before. Indeed, on a practical level they will have to "get over it" if they're want to do the things they did before, like walk, drive a car, run, dance, sit down and get up from a chair.
In that sense the loss has to be recognized and dealt with in very practical ways. Alternative methods have to be developed and used, rehabilitation, etc. etc. It's not going to be an easy piece of work "getting over it". All of the things that were once assumed have to be reexamined and considered.
Some of the "get over it" Way-ism assumes IMO that there's a "spritual" component in play that will allow the person, a person, to be "delivered" from the problem to a degree that they will quickly have it solved. There's the "just believe" slogan that goes along with it - believe "the Word" to the extent that the problem literally goes away or is resolved and so a person can, in fact, move on past it because it's no longer there.
That's a very very individual proposition, despite however much a person might expect it to be applicable to their own situations. Because, as in the example of the person losing their leg, the damage is already done. Short of a complete restoration, a "miracle", an alternative has to be used.
Again there's Way-isms at play in those kinds of situations that actually hamper recovery or restoration - namely that the person who's lost the leg "blew it", allowed the "adversary" to "get in" and so they've come to that point because of their own lack of believing.
So in a lot of Way circles, that person wouldn't get much support or help, incredible as that is to believe, because they're viewed as weak and ineffectual in their "walk" - they're lives as disciplined ones in the Way's true household gets taken down a notch or two. Probably not everywhere, but in the past yes, plent of that's on record with the Way's field employees.
To point though - the recovery and restoration of a person from damage they've sustained will likely take work, effort, thought, and ultimately some action on their part. All of this wll take time. If the damage is such that there's been real loss, like the person's leg, that needs to be considered individually in order to offer real assistance that will have a meaningful contribution.
Denial won't help. That's why I would say there's such a consistent distrust of the Way's Upper level employees, like the BOT's. Because there's been such past close connection and contact to known issues, and no open recognition of them or discussion, there's no perception of any recovery or restoration. So in their case, there's no easy glib "get over it" either that will apply. For all anyone knows they coud be just "moving on" in a bad way, ignoring the damage and denying it ever existed. I'd assume they have a lot of work to do too, as no miracles seem to be in evidence.
Excie, that's what I meant, but I can't say anything in less than 5 paragraphs. :(
Attending a funeral last year, I said to one of the famly members - "I'm sorry for your loss". They nodded, they were crying at the time. No one would have said "get over it".
Some things we can't deny. If we do, we hurt ourselves. Some holes can't be filled by our own shovels. But they can be honored places in our lives, lessons learned, sacred moments. Life is rich, even in loss, and there will be some in this one, of that there ain't no doubt.
Excie, that's what I meant, but I can't say anything in less than 5 paragraphs. :(
And we're the richer for it. :)
CK, all our love to you and yours. Whatever comes next, I hope there's music. :)
I can't imagine life without it. Rather scary a thought is it not. :unsure:
You give that beauty of a wife of yours my love, and tell her she said something once when I was a newbie some leader said something stern to me. She reached out to me while discreetly correcting the person who'd spoken to me. I was impressed by her and it was one of the first times we'd been together. But would you believe that was probably 22 years ago. You know another thing I really liked about her. When we were doing our business she just left us alone. She was gracious and knew I wasn't there to visit at that time and she just gave us time like it was her privilege to do. Don't ask me why these memories have decided to come back but they have and I wanted to relay them to you so you could to her for me please.
I'd love to get over a lot of stuff, but sometimes my darn brain has different ideas. Tell me how to avoid the "triggers" (a smell, a quote, a song) and I'd be blissfully happy.
When something physical has happened to your body, it's a daily reminder of something that went wrong-and the challenges to overcome. You can't forget what happened-you have to learn to work with it-and it's not always easy.
When things that occurred were mental-that's a whole different work around. Nobody can tell just by looking at you that you have some issues (well, unless your drooling ).
Well, all I got to say, sometimes in my life I think I'm "over it." Then somebody strikes a raw nerve, that I didn't know I had, and I realize I'm not as "over it" as I think. :o
Chef - we don't get over the loss of a parent, nor do we forget the pain we experienced as we watch them leave. With the passage of time, the pain because less of a constant, that is all. I am sorry for what you are going through.
And Shell is right - I tell my boys that ALL grown ups cry, including men.
Life is like a 'box of chockies' ..very good posts. Somethings it helps to 'just get over it', some things are better if we just 'cut our losses', and yet finding some things to remain thankful for, for me is a 'biggie'.
Sometimes people are looking for more than just a " I'm so sorry for your predicament", they're looking for answers, some explanation....other times they're not. The apostle Paul said something about being all things for all men that he might by some means save some.
Yeah...you're right, life sucks (even on a good day sometimes) !! Thank God for the blessed 'hope' that we are not of all men most miserable.
Chef, I lost my father 12 years ago... watched him close his eyes and go to sleep as I was rubbing his feet while he laid in bed... it had been a long and painful fight for him and then he just kind of sighed and smiled and that was it... I'm so thankful I was there with him, and thankful for every day I ever got to spend some time with him...
And now, 12 years later, there's still not a day goes by that I don't hear his voice in my head... sometimes steering me to a better path, sometimes telling me something funny that makes me smile, but every day I feel a little special for a moment or two... sometimes I smile, sometimes I get a little misty...
Every day I know that he loved me unconditionally and I know that he knew I loved him the same way... I've gotten over the pain of when we lost him... I don't have to get over him not being here because he still is... every day in my heart...
My thoughts are with you and your Mom and your family bro.
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ChasUFarley
Mr. Lingo - a word fitly spoken in this thread, TIME!
It takes time to get past things - to move on. We're human. We don't have perfectly renewed minds. It takes a lot of work sometimes to just let things be and to stop rehashing them mentally, thinking it may change something. Some people have great coping skills and can seem to move easily though life. Other people need to analyze situations and encounters - they look at many angles, and sometimes even hold onto things to long. No one can or should measure their coping capibilities against another person's - it's not fair or honest.
I think the bigger picture of this "Get Over It" thread is more, what's healthy and what isn't healthy - when should you let go because it's the right time - or are you letting bitterness, or other negitives comsume you? Most certainly, these are personal decisions that someone must make on their own - and sometimes perhaps a spouse, close friend, or relative can help them see they are dwelling on the past TOO much - like in your incident - and they will learn to let it go. I still say that when someone - a stranger, a drive-by poster, a casual aquaintance, etc. - just blurts it out, "oh, get over it already!" - it's still the laziest counciling job there is - it's just immature and heartless.
I always think back to a teaching where someone said, "God expects us to forgive. He doesn't command us to forget because it's impossible to do." That's probably one of the healthier things I gleaned from my time in TWI.
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J0nny Ling0
Nicely put ChasU... :)
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sprawled out
sunesis, i get it. but i'm not in the way, and i'm not talking about way-ish ways of doing things. i'm not talking about "tough love," either. just that sometimes, sometimes , when ample time has passed and you just can't seem to figure out how to get passed it (whatever "it" is), i have found it helps to make a mental adjustment: "get over it."
what is "ample time?" i dunno, it depends. but eventually, the time comes when enough is enough. you acknowldge that whatever you're doing doesn't seem to be working, and you tell yourself "i'm not going to do this anymore. i'm going to take a giant step over that thing i keep tripping over and move on." IN MY EXPERIENCE, it works. for everyone? nope. every time? uh-uh. i don't know the mechanism. i can't quote you chapter and verse. i just know it works--and sometimes it's the best thing you can tell someone.
and all this is predicated on the first thing iwrote about it. so here's part of my original post on the subject:
folks often decide to hold on to things, when they could let them go. they think "i'm not ready," or "it's too soon," and insist that they have more wallowing to do. (i realize the word "wallowing" may offend some, but i think it's a pretty accurate word to use.)
my point is, if they didn't reject the idea of getting over it, they might find they get over it sooner. yes, people are different, and some are more predisposed to letting things go than others. but there is an element of choice in these things.
i'm done.
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Goey
Before people can "get over" certain things, they themselves must perceive the actual need to get over them. Like Dr. Phil says, they need to see the payoff.
They themselves must see how haboring hatred, anger, guilt, fear (or whatever it is) is actually hurting them and possibly those around them.
This of course assumes that "get over it" is used in a helpful and concerned manner and is not just something said to get someone to shut up cause we don't want to hear it.
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socks
sprawled out, I tend to agree with you there, but on a practical level I call it "cutting your losses".
I think one of the problems with the "get over it" saying is that it's unrealistic if it's meant to say "if you can't fix the problem, just move on past it and get on with your life".
It may be impossible to get on with the rest of your life freely and clearly with certain types of things unresolved. In other words, what can't be fixed may not be able to be completely fixed by an adjustment to bypass it.
"Most" things though, yes. Practially speaking we have to develop the skills in life to deal with pressure, hurt, stress and prioritize ourselves in such a way that we can put things in scale. If we don't life would certainly get unmanagable. And most of us do I think.
A simple example of something more serious, a person loses a limb, a leg. They aren't going to be able to walk the same as they did before. Indeed, on a practical level they will have to "get over it" if they're want to do the things they did before, like walk, drive a car, run, dance, sit down and get up from a chair.
In that sense the loss has to be recognized and dealt with in very practical ways. Alternative methods have to be developed and used, rehabilitation, etc. etc. It's not going to be an easy piece of work "getting over it". All of the things that were once assumed have to be reexamined and considered.
Some of the "get over it" Way-ism assumes IMO that there's a "spritual" component in play that will allow the person, a person, to be "delivered" from the problem to a degree that they will quickly have it solved. There's the "just believe" slogan that goes along with it - believe "the Word" to the extent that the problem literally goes away or is resolved and so a person can, in fact, move on past it because it's no longer there.
That's a very very individual proposition, despite however much a person might expect it to be applicable to their own situations. Because, as in the example of the person losing their leg, the damage is already done. Short of a complete restoration, a "miracle", an alternative has to be used.
Again there's Way-isms at play in those kinds of situations that actually hamper recovery or restoration - namely that the person who's lost the leg "blew it", allowed the "adversary" to "get in" and so they've come to that point because of their own lack of believing.
So in a lot of Way circles, that person wouldn't get much support or help, incredible as that is to believe, because they're viewed as weak and ineffectual in their "walk" - they're lives as disciplined ones in the Way's true household gets taken down a notch or two. Probably not everywhere, but in the past yes, plent of that's on record with the Way's field employees.
To point though - the recovery and restoration of a person from damage they've sustained will likely take work, effort, thought, and ultimately some action on their part. All of this wll take time. If the damage is such that there's been real loss, like the person's leg, that needs to be considered individually in order to offer real assistance that will have a meaningful contribution.
Denial won't help. That's why I would say there's such a consistent distrust of the Way's Upper level employees, like the BOT's. Because there's been such past close connection and contact to known issues, and no open recognition of them or discussion, there's no perception of any recovery or restoration. So in their case, there's no easy glib "get over it" either that will apply. For all anyone knows they coud be just "moving on" in a bad way, ignoring the damage and denying it ever existed. I'd assume they have a lot of work to do too, as no miracles seem to be in evidence.
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ChattyKathy
Incredible!
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excathedra
cutting your losses sounds better to me than get over it because you're actually saying you have a loss
my mom's husband had a stroke and i can't tell you how horrible it's been. he was always a dancer, a golfer, a standup comedian in his circles, etc.
the loss is too great to describe.... his paralysis....
but he has to live now with so much loss.... of his life
i would never dream in a million years of telling him to "get over it"
in fact, he knows what he has to "muster" (is that the word) to get up every day and live....
this life is tough. hardly anyone needs advice about getting over something..... in my humble opinion
i say to him. life sucks. i'm glad you're alive and still a part of our lives
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socks
mostly long. :)
Excie, that's what I meant, but I can't say anything in less than 5 paragraphs. :(
Attending a funeral last year, I said to one of the famly members - "I'm sorry for your loss". They nodded, they were crying at the time. No one would have said "get over it".
Some things we can't deny. If we do, we hurt ourselves. Some holes can't be filled by our own shovels. But they can be honored places in our lives, lessons learned, sacred moments. Life is rich, even in loss, and there will be some in this one, of that there ain't no doubt.
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excathedra
i am kind of looking forward to that other life
no loss, no tears, no pain....
love you socks
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socks
Well I love you too. We have to start meeing like this.
Sorry about your mom's husband. I had a good friend who had a stroke, several years ago. He's done well, all things considered.
CK, all our love to you and yours. Whatever comes next, I hope there's music. :)
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excathedra
hugs socks, thanks
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ChattyKathy
And we're the richer for it. :)
I can't imagine life without it. Rather scary a thought is it not. :unsure:
You give that beauty of a wife of yours my love, and tell her she said something once when I was a newbie some leader said something stern to me. She reached out to me while discreetly correcting the person who'd spoken to me. I was impressed by her and it was one of the first times we'd been together. But would you believe that was probably 22 years ago. You know another thing I really liked about her. When we were doing our business she just left us alone. She was gracious and knew I wasn't there to visit at that time and she just gave us time like it was her privilege to do. Don't ask me why these memories have decided to come back but they have and I wanted to relay them to you so you could to her for me please.
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J0nny Ling0
Yeah, what Socks said... :)
JL
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topoftheworld
Well said, Socks and Excie!
I'd love to get over a lot of stuff, but sometimes my darn brain has different ideas. Tell me how to avoid the "triggers" (a smell, a quote, a song) and I'd be blissfully happy.
When something physical has happened to your body, it's a daily reminder of something that went wrong-and the challenges to overcome. You can't forget what happened-you have to learn to work with it-and it's not always easy.
When things that occurred were mental-that's a whole different work around. Nobody can tell just by looking at you that you have some issues (well, unless your drooling
).
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ex10
Well, all I got to say, sometimes in my life I think I'm "over it." Then somebody strikes a raw nerve, that I didn't know I had, and I realize I'm not as "over it" as I think. :o
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coolchef1248 @adelphia.net
this thread is so good for me right now
i just left my mom's house with a kiss to her cheek
she took to her bed yesterday and it is very doubful she will ever get out of it we knew it was comming but she was almost fine 2 days ago
man it really sucks
i love her so much
will i get over it
nope thank you all for shareing
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jardinero
((((((((Cheffie)))))))))))))
My thoughts and prayers are with you, my dear sweet friend.
J.
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coolchef1248 @adelphia.net
thanks
j. i just went back up to her house and gave her another kiss
thankfully we live close
damn i hate crying
men ain't supposed to do that
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Shellon
If ya weren't supposed to cry, God wouldn't have given ya the stuff to do it with.
Let that stuff out, it's good! Men ARE supposed to cry
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Abigail
Chef - we don't get over the loss of a parent, nor do we forget the pain we experienced as we watch them leave. With the passage of time, the pain because less of a constant, that is all. I am sorry for what you are going through.
And Shell is right - I tell my boys that ALL grown ups cry, including men.
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allan w.
Life is like a 'box of chockies' ..very good posts. Somethings it helps to 'just get over it', some things are better if we just 'cut our losses', and yet finding some things to remain thankful for, for me is a 'biggie'.
Sometimes people are looking for more than just a " I'm so sorry for your predicament", they're looking for answers, some explanation....other times they're not. The apostle Paul said something about being all things for all men that he might by some means save some.
Yeah...you're right, life sucks (even on a good day sometimes) !! Thank God for the blessed 'hope' that we are not of all men most miserable.
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Linda Z
{{{chef}}}
You and your mom and family are in my prayers.
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Tom Strange
Chef, I lost my father 12 years ago... watched him close his eyes and go to sleep as I was rubbing his feet while he laid in bed... it had been a long and painful fight for him and then he just kind of sighed and smiled and that was it... I'm so thankful I was there with him, and thankful for every day I ever got to spend some time with him...
And now, 12 years later, there's still not a day goes by that I don't hear his voice in my head... sometimes steering me to a better path, sometimes telling me something funny that makes me smile, but every day I feel a little special for a moment or two... sometimes I smile, sometimes I get a little misty...
Every day I know that he loved me unconditionally and I know that he knew I loved him the same way... I've gotten over the pain of when we lost him... I don't have to get over him not being here because he still is... every day in my heart...
My thoughts are with you and your Mom and your family bro.
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dmiller
Chef --- it's ok to cry. I did too. :(
MY SISTER, ROBIN
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