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Dreams of the Dashboard Jesus

T-Bone

By T-Bone,
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T-Bone Grand Master

T-Bone

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Here’s a little something I wrote. Happy Anniversary Grease Spot Café.

Dreams of the Dashboard Jesus

Ever had a dream within a dream? I was on a high horse much taller than a church – this beast of burden must have stood a hundred feet – give or take ten. I was a man on a mission – Damascus bound – just looking for steeples got to mow ‘em down! I’m just your average zealous Hebrew – an unborn apostle asleep at the reigns.

Check out my stallion – dirt roads it devours – watch me burn some rocks as I take this turn. Oh bless the holy feet of Father Gamaliel – who put that iceberg in the middle of my way?!?! That’s just not any ol’ iceberg like the ones on National Geographic – it looked like that little Jesus I’ve seen on dashboards – but God…this one’s a hundred miles high! Ain’t no stopping this brazen bronco – maybe I don’t want to – maybe it’s best we just end things this way. Last thing I remember – right before impact – ice is good for numbing pain.

…Now out of a coma – anyone get the license plate of that iceberg? Who moved my bed onto the deck of the Titanic – everyone’s in a panic! Don’t think I fully recovered from the first dream yet. What’s going on here – can someone tell me – where exactly are we anyway? Someone pointed past the stern of the ship – said we hit a peculiar iceberg – swore it looked like a massive Che Guevara…Damage report – what is our status? I bet we’ll be okay. Where is the duct tape? Where is the expert? That MacGyver dude did it all the time.

…Next in my dream [or is this a nightmare?] Scotty beams me up to the bridge. There’s a minor altercation between the bus driver and the captain – like pontificating pugilists – this little fracas is really quite a show! On the console - - where is the plastic Jesus – shouldn’t there be one – who’s watching over this mess anyway?!?!...I found it in the third drawer down – underneath some trophy panties…I know it’s wrong – thou shalt not steal – I know it’s wrong but I took it anyway! Back to the console – there’s a cup of coffee – I like coffee so I take a swig. Yeecch! That’s not coffee – tastes like Drambui – mixed with some Kool-Aid – mixed with some Spanish Fly and a lemon twist…No wonder we collided – there’s the Navigator watching a porn flick – shouldn’t he be checking on the Radar Screen? Outside the window – looks like a snowstorm – can’t see where we’re going. Outside the window – there’s Adolph Hitler or is it Colonel Klink? He’s winking at me – or is he laughing at me - as he runs his rinky-dink snow-making machine.

In a twinkling eye, a Rapture-like second - I’m suddenly overboard. Now this is crazy – so weird-snake-crazy – I can hear the ship’s band playing “Hotel California.” Thank God, I’m not a bad swimmer – even with a plastic Jesus in one hand.

Am I speaking in dreams? Where’s an interpreter? Or am I supposed to do that too? Ever lived a life within a life?...I don’t ever ride on horses – don’t take any cruises – don’t really go anywhere that a wheel can’t roll…And when I drive I like to drive with my Jesus up on the dashboard of my car.

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Sushi Newbie

Sushi

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I didn't write this, but here goes:

I don't care if it rains or freezes,

Long as I got my plastic Jesus,

Ridin on the dashboard of my car

I can go a hunnert miles an hour

Long as I got the Almighty Power

Sittin up there with my pair of FUZzy dice

(sung to the tune of kinda like Leaning on the Everlasting Arms, but a bit more up tempo)

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Belle Newbie

Belle

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:lol: :D :P

Duct tape fixes everything, don't it?

That’s not coffee – tastes like Drambui – mixed with some Kool-Aid – mixed with some Spanish Fly and a lemon twist…

ROFLMAO!!!

Awesome, T-Bone!! Thanks for the giggles this morning.

Sushi, love it!!

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moony3424 Newbie

moony3424

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I don't care if it rains or freezes,

Long as I got my plastic Jesus,

Ridin on the dashboard of my car

I can go a hunnert miles an hour

Long as I got the Almighty Power

Sittin up there with my pair of FUZzy dice

(sung to the tune of kinda like Leaning on the Everlasting Arms, but a bit more up tempo)

Boy, does that take me back. We used to sing that while driving to events. <_<

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GrouchoMarxJr Newbie

GrouchoMarxJr

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Posted (edited)
I didn't write this, but here goes:

I don't care if it rains or freezes,

Long as I got my plastic Jesus,

Ridin on the dashboard of my car

I can go a hunnert miles an hour

Long as I got the Almighty Power

Sittin up there with my pair of FUZzy dice

(sung to the tune of kinda like Leaning on the Everlasting Arms, but a bit more up tempo)

...and I don't care if we slip or slide, because his foot is magnetized, sittin' on the dashboard of my car.

Edited by GrouchoMarxJr
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CoolWaters Newbie

CoolWaters

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And verses 2 & 3 (as I learned them from a cook at a Salvation Army soup kitchen...no offense meant to anybody...just fun):

I don't care if it's dark and scarey

Long as I got Magnetic Mary

Stickin' to the dashboard of my car.

I'm just a dumb catholic

I believe in the pope.

I drink a lot of whiskey

And smoke a lot of dope.

D O P E

(Back to verse 1)

ROFLMAO this thread! :D

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Kevlar2000 Newbie

Kevlar2000

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II don't care if it rains or freezes,

Long as I got my plastic Jesus,

Ridin on the dashboard of my car

I can go a hunnert miles an hour

Long as I got the Almighty Power

Sittin up there with my pair of FUZzy dice...

IIRC, that was an old Don Imus bit, modelled on the Rev. Billy Saul Hargis's "ministry".

Located in Del Rio, Texas, "Holyland, USA", the gold buckle of the Bible Belt.

Among the various bits at which Imus poked fun was the Heavenly Body Dating Service,

Where you could get a girl that walked with Him...

And talked with Him....

And sleeps with you, Say Hallelujah, Say Amen!

(Man, that was a long time ago!)

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Tom Strange Newbie

Tom Strange

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You're both right kind of... here's what I heard from a reliable source who has a sister who knew someone who had a cousin that was married to this person that actually had a friend who's brother was at both places... AND THEY SAID... that Simon & Garfunkel were just saying the phrase because the gathering in Central Park reminded them of Woodstock when Chip Monck said 'Don't eat the brown acid'... it was Chip Monck wasn't it?

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T-Bone Grand Master

T-Bone

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Wait - wait mmmmm - it's starting to come back to me - I think this is how it went down - I was ABOUT to buy some Brown Acid off a chip monk - but as I kept watching him [the way he was playing with his n*ts] I freaked and realized he was a narc in a squirrel's costume...It gets fuzzy after that - maybe I grabbed the acid and swallowed it - since I couldn't find a toilet to flush it down...Last thing I remember VERY CLEARLY - - I was singing along with Simon & Garfunkel: "Momma don't take my chromosomes away."

Edited by T-Bone
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tonto Newbie

tonto

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Ahhhh... StrangeOne,

We will happily go to the Saucer that flies, but what is this Spaten? I'm a Shiner Blonde kinda girl.

Here at the cafe, my beloved T-Bone finally has someone else who "gets" his humor. We've been married so long that when he does one of these schticks, I just look at him and roll my eyes. The cafe is a great place for him to "release" the magnitude of the fullness of the in-eff-n-able greatness of his mind. A full sharing, if you will.

Or even if you won't.

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