miscellaneous silly jokes

[Steve!]

1. Two peanuts walk into a tough waterfront bar. One was a salted.

2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The barman says "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

3. A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says, "Sorry we don't serve food in here."

4. A dyslexic man walks into a bra and orders a reeb.

5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."

6. Two aerials meet on a roof, fall in love and get married. The ceremony wasn't much but the reception was marvelous.

7. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"

8. "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'" "That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome." "Is it common?" "It's not unusual."

9. Two cows standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe you," said Dolly. "It's true, Dolly, no bull!"

10. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.

11. Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, "I've lost my electron." The other says, "Are you sure?" The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive..."

12. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.

13. A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet and says, "My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?" "Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him". So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says "I'm sorry but I'm going to have to put him down."

"Why? Just because he's cross-eyed?"

"No, because he's really heavy."

14. Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad.... or maybe my older brother Colin or my younger brother Ho-Cha Chu. But I'm pretty sure it's Colin.

15. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

16. I went to the butchers and I offered to bet him 50 bucks that he couldn't reach the meat on the top shelf. He said, 'No, the steaks are too high.'

17. A man in the hospital after a serious accident was coming out of the anesthetic. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't, I had to amputate your arms."

18. I went to a seafood rave last week.... and pulled a mussel.

19. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly; but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, thereby proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

20. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

21. Two termites walk into a bar. One asked, "Is the bar tender here?"

[Kit Sober]

The Dog Named Mace:

>

>A mechanic who worked out of his home had a dog named Mace. Mace had a bad habit of eating all the grass in the mechanic's lawn, so the mechanic had to keep Mace inside. The grass eventually became overgrown.

>

>One day the mechanic was working on a car in his backyard and dropped his wrench losing it in the tall grass. He couldn't find it for the life of him, so he decided to call it a day.

>

>That night, Mace escaped from the house and ate all the grass in the backyard. The next morning the mechanic went outside and saw his wrench glinting in the sunlight. Realizing what had happened he looked up to the heavens and proclaimed. . .

>

>

>He proclaimed: "A grazing Mace, how sweet the hound, that saved a wrench for me!"

>

:)-->," God

[CKnapp3]

quote:

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A mechanic who worked out of his home had a dog named Mace. Mace had a bad habit of eating all the grass in the mechanic's lawn,

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A veggie dog! Now I've seen everything :D-->

Feeding the puppy after mowing the lawn,

Chuck

[CKnapp3]

Q: How can you tell if Miss Piggy and Kermit tied the knot?

A: Your pork chops start to taste like frog legs.

Having ham with a few frog legs on the side,

Chuck