Puns

[Raf]

TEN PUNS

1. A vulture boarded a plane, carrying two dead raccoons. The

Stewardess stops him and says sorry sir, only one carrion per passenger.

2. NASA recently sent a number of Holsteins into orbit for experimental

purposes. They called it the herd shot round the world.

3. Two boll weevils grew up in S. Carolina. One took off to Hollywood

and became a rich star. The other stayed in Carolina and never amounted to

much--and naturally became known as the lesser of two weevils.

4. Two Eskimos in a kayak were chilly, so they started a fire, which

sank the craft, proving the old adage you can't have your kayak and heat it

too.

5. A 3-legged dog walks into an old west saloon, slides up to the bar

and announces I'm looking for the man who shot my paw.

6. Did you hear about the Buddhist who went to the dentist, and

refused to take Novocain? He wanted to transcend dental medication.

7. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel, and met in the

lobby where they were discussing their recent victories in chess

tournaments. The hotel manager came out of the office after an hour, and asked them to

disperse. He couldn't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.

8. A women has twins, gives them up for adoption. One goes to an

Egyptian family and is named Ahmal. The other is sent to a Spanish family and is

named Juan. Years later, Juan sends his birth mother a picture of

himself.

Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband she wishes she also

had a picture of Ahmal. He replies, They're identical twins for Pete sake!!

If you've seen Juan, you've see Ahmal!!

9. A group of friars opened a florist shop to help with their belfry

payments. Everyone liked to buy flowers from the Men of God, so their

business flourished. A rival florist became upset that his business was

suffering because people felt compelled to buy from the Friars, so he

asked the Friars to cut back hours or close down. The Friars refused. The

florist went to them and begged that they shut down. Again they refused. So the

florist then hired Hugh McTaggert, the biggest meanest thug in town.

He went to the Friars' shop, destroyed their flowers, trashed their shop, and

said that if they didn't close, he'd be back. Well, totally terrified, the

Friars closed up shop and hid in their rooms. This proved that Hugh, and only

Hugh, can prevent florist friars.

10. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot his whole life, which

created an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very

little, which made him frail, and with his odd diet, he suffered from very bad

breath. This made him a super-callused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

And finally... there was a person who sent 10 puns to some friends in

hopes at least one of the puns would make them laugh. Unfortunately no pun

in ten did.

[T-Bone]

These are great, Raf - the only one I heard before was the three legged dog/shot my paw...

[Tom Strange]

This, of course, earns you the dreaded:

Edited April 5, 2006 by Tom Strange

[rhino]

A Psychiatrist's receptionist alerted the Doctor: "a man is out here who says he is invisible."

"Tell him I can't see him right now," said the Doctor.

If a Parisian falls off a bridge, does he go in Seine?

A neurotic dyslexic agnostic laid awake all night wondering if there is a dog.

or should that be "lay", raf? ok raf, so this should be lay, past tense of lie; not laid, past tense of lay

Edited April 6, 2006 by rhino

[Raf]

Actually, if it's past tense,, it's lay.

If it's present tense, it's only lay if someone else is there and the two are engaged in... Well, engaged in.

[Pirate1974]

There is an art to capturing polar bears. Each Inuit village has a different technique and there is considerable competition between villages in how effective their techniques really are. The most famous village of all had a technique that worked nearly all of the time. The technique stayed a secret until one old gentleman finally told the leaders of the other villages.

"The technique," he said, "is to make a large hole in the ice. Then, you must surround the hole with fresh peas. They must be fresh. Canned ones will not work. After this, you wait.

When the bear comes up to take a pea, you kick him in the ice hole."

[dmiller]

The price of chess pieces was going up. I had to buy quickly, so I decided to contact my pawn broker.

[Suda]

She offered her honor

He honored her offer

And all night long

it was honor and offer

[dmiller]