A Sea Story by Jonny Lingo

[J0nny Ling0]

FIDDLEBACKS IN THE FIDDLEY, GABOONS IN THE GALLEY,

OR…. WHICH WAY TO THE GANGWAY?!

Thomas J. Wallender of Juneau, AK. had no idea things would turn out the way they did when he went to work last Friday. While working up in the fiddley (upper reaches of the engine room where the exhaust and steam pipes go up to the stack) of the M/V Kennecott, Thomas Wallender was bitten by a vicious Brown Recluse, or, as they are known down South, the deadly Fiddleback Spider. The Fiddleback gained it’s unique name because of the extroardinarily clear outline of a Stradivarious Violin on top of it’s back. I have captured a couple of them down in Oklahoma, and I am here to tell you that nature’s artwork in this case is quite amazing with it’s ironic twist of the macabre. For obvious reasons, it has also been known as the “Violin Spider”. Although a benign looking little fellow, the Brown Recluse is responsible for many deaths as well as horrible bite scars in the U.S. of A.

According to many in the Penguin Department (Steward’s Department), Wallender felt a sharp pain in his left foot when he was reaching for the next rung on the vertical ladder as he was moving up to check the level in the waste heat boilers. When he got to the next catwalk, he quickly pulled off his shoe and could see that a vicious and deadly Fiddleback had its’ ¼ inch fangs buried deeply into his foot. Apparently the vicious little b a st ard had bitten him right through the material of his sock! Imagine that, right through the material! Apparently these mad Fiddlebacks are completely out of control! Immediately upon seeing this little horror “glombing on” to his own foot, Wallender, beside himself with terror and consumed with a rage to kill the little son of a bit ch, grabbed the 12 in Crescent wrench out of his back pocket and swinging wildly, began to beat the living sh it out of the spider and his foot! As the spider was dead with the first whack, Tom’s crazed smashing of the now brown goo of what once was the spider’s body, managed to infuse all of the spider’s venom straight into his bloodstream, resulting in Tom’s foot swelling up bigger than an Arkansas mushmellon! By the time we got to Bellingham, Wallender was declared unfit for duty and had to ride home to Juneau with the ship. Yet, this is only the second of a series of incidents that have involved unwanted creatures aboard the M/V Kennicott.

Just prior to the ugly Fiddleback incident, Brenda, the breakfast cook, encountered a beautiful yet deadly Gaboon Viper in the ship’s galley. The Gaboon Viper is native to Indonesia, and part of it’s camouflage system is that they have the marking of what looks like a beautiful golden Aspen leaf right smack on the top of it’s head. It is extremely deceptive, and in my travels, I have almost stepped on them a number of times. I have also spoken with many villagers whose loved ones had succumbed to its deadly bite. It is not known how this deadly Gaboon got aboard the ship. It is suspected, however, that it may have dropped out of the trees as the ship passed through the Panama Canal on it’s trip up from the “Fiddleback infested shipyard” in Mississippi where the Kennicott was recently built. What the deadly Gaboon was doing in Panama is anybodies’ guess.

At any rate, it was 0400 in the morning when Brenda showed up in the galley to get the home fries and the bacon going when she lifted a plate that was sitting upside down on her cutting board. To her absolute horror, there, staring directly into her eyes in strike position, was the deadly Gaboon! With a horrifying shriek, she ran screaming from the galley into the food court area screaming; “Run for your life! It’s a deadly Gaboon! It's a deadly Gaboon!” causing great alarm among the two other early morning galley workers. When the watchman, Pam Wittenen, arrived on the scene to investigate, the deadly Gaboon had slipped down onto the deck and gotten away. Fortunately, 3rd Mate Jane Wayne (also known as “GI Jane”), disregarding any sense of self preservation and with a dedication to the safety of the ship’s crew and passengers, hunted down and hacked the three foot Gaboon into a bloody mess with the machete which she wears strapped to her back at all times. Having the machete on her back is a habit she picked up while guarding gold shipments down the Amazon a few years back.

Apparently, when Wayne was bending down to look at a pile of mooring line, the vicious viper which was hiding amongst the coiled line struck like lightning right for her lovely, yet un-protected face! Wayne, with more than equal lightning speed, whipped the machete off her back and cleanly sliced off the Gaboon’s head in mid air leaving the sickening sight writhing and spewing all over the car deck! With glee, she commenced to finish the job hacking away with sadistic glee… When Wayne was asked if she felt any fear when she took the Gaboon out, she tilted her head back and just laughed! It was only shortly after that when Wallender encountered the Attack Of The Fiddleback. Once again, it is apparent that these wild and deadly creatures are completely out of control! When the ship finally docked in Juneau, Brenda, stonefaced and silent, walked stoically up the car deck ramp, got in her car and drove off. We don’t know if she will ever come back…

Wallender, on the other hand, (and under heavy sedation), was last seen laughing maniacally as he was driven off in the handi-capped van to Bartlett Memorial Hospital for treatment. Wallender, a most excellent guitarist, received the grave news that, even though an amputation of his foot from the ankle down would not be necessary, he may never be able to play the guitar with his toes again, which has always been a delight to his audiences. Wallender is now recuperating at his home in Juneau and being ministered to by a host of very lovely ladies who are his fans……

So, it seems as if things turned out well enough for the crew of the M/V Kennicott, in that there was no loss of life. Fortunately, the ship’s “herpetentemologist”, Kevin Nye the Oiler Guy was there to identify these deadly miscreants. It was equally fortunate that Jane Wayne was aboard, and that, well, that Tom had his wrench…..

When Day Oiler Jack Slatt, from Petersburg AK, was asked what he thought of this weeks’ peculiar turn of events, he mused for a moment and said with a wry grin replied; “Well, it’s a ghastly, stranger than fiction, twisted sort of tale…….

For the record: Everything described about the Fiddleback Spiders’ characteristics are true except the part in the story where it is mentioned that it had “¼ inch fangs”.

That was embellishment pure and simple.

Also, everything about the Gaboon Viper (including it’s name) is true except

I am not sure whether it is indigenous to S.E. Asia, or to South America.

I am reasonably sure it is an Asian reptile.

The rest of the story is completely true, and I’m not making this up…………… :blink:

[markomalley]

From vast experience in the military, I have learned this one jewel:

Q:	What's the difference between a fairy tale and a war story?
A:	A fairy tale begins: Once upon a time
	A war story ends: And that's the truth, no sh_it

Good story, Jonny!

Edited March 16, 2006 by markomalley

[J0nny Ling0]

Lotsa looks, but not many comments. I put this up because Belle inspired me to. She said she liked my

stow-ries. But thanks Mark O'Malley! :)

JL

Edited March 17, 2006 by Jonny Lingo

[Jim]

Great story. In a chance encounter I met a mechanic that was bitten by a brown recluse then ignored it. The ending involved medivac, couple of weeks in the hospital and then crutches. Real bad news.

[doojable]

You're a great writer Jonny. Why don't you consider writing a book of your memoirs as a merchant marine?

BTW great use of onomonopoeia (alliteration) in the title

Wasn't it nice of all those creatures to get to just the right place for you to describe them just right...

[A la prochaine]

Jonny,

Let me say...as soon as I saw your name and a story linked to it... i immediately clicked my way to this forum and began to read.

Your stories are forever captivating and NEVER boring nor do they drool on forever.

Yes... and clever use of alliteration in the title. Very nice

Merci mon frère Lingo.

[J0nny Ling0]

Thanks Dooj, Ala P, and Jim! Yeah well, I will continue to perservere. I actually have some memoirs written from when I was sixteen on that near fated voyage, and I have written two chapters for the "novel" that should go with it. Man, there is sex, macho fist fights, dramatic rescue situations, and all of the conflict that should go with a good novel and eventually a rippin Hollywood movie! In my mind, a young (very young) Matt Damon should play me, and the Girl would be Salma Hayek, the one whom I had three nights with in Barcelona, Spain. But it wasn't Salma, it was "Angela", a 22 year old...

And oh, Ala Prochaine, it would be naughty of me to tell of the time I had in old Quebec City at Chateau Frontenac just before we went to sea on the SS Merrimack! Those French Canadian ladies were too totally sex,ylike you! But I was denied the full opportunity, for our ship sailed too soon... :(

Edited March 17, 2006 by Jonny Lingo

[doojable]

Now,now Jonny you never know when Mrs. Lingo (the TEN cow woman) will want to read this besides, Selma Hayek is already booked to play ME in my movie aobut a struggling young artist who joins this cult and almost forgets her gift - but rediscovers it in her latter years.....

You'll have to hurry if you want a YOUNG Matt Damon to play anything.

Edited March 17, 2006 by doojable

[Belle]

Awesome, Jonny! I loved it!

I really hope you follow through with getting your work published. Thanks for sharing with us!

I had to google the gaboon viper. It is beautiful and scary looking for sure!

[J0nny Ling0]

Why thank you all. Obviously that was a totally goofy story, and naturally, the real people in it loved it alot because I spoke of them in a bit more of a highlighted fashion of their true character. "Jane Wayne" for instance. Her real name is Jane Tomkins, but, she is from an old seafaring family, and always had a "tough gal" persona about her. And so, I satirized everybody, and it was good fun...

And Dooj, Mrs Lingo knows the stories, and gets a kick out of them...

And, after Googling the Gaboon Viper like you did Belle, I was wrong about Indonesia or South Africa. The Gaboon viper is an African snake..Hah!

Well, maybe I can dig up another story to post here. None of the rest come close to being this goofy, except for one, when we all went to a strip club down in Portland. But I probably shouldn't post that one here, with all of the good Christian people around...

Edited March 17, 2006 by Jonny Lingo