If you were among the TWI walking wounded, then closure was an absolute neccesity. Even if you were able to keep body and soul together as is neccessary to live you need something to close the wound.
It may not always heal: time tends to take care of most of that.
My first three months reading Greasespot did an amazing job of allowing my to purge a lot of ghosts. Now I continue because of the atmosphere and chance to connect. If any old wounds reappear, they close quickly enough.
I lost a dear friend about 14 years ago under horrible circumstances. I found myself involved with her brother and other family members with the process of closing up her house and taking care of the practical matters that were left. The time involved made it impossible to grieve or begin to put things behind. It was physically painful, every day, for at least a year; but slowly it got better. I don't know that the pain will every go away completely, but distance helps.
It took me a lifetime to have closure with my first love. I needed it but it was not there "to close" so I moved on. I took all the pain and weird habits on how to protect myself from that kind of pain happening again. When I wrote him a letter before his death, all this stuff began to make sense and clear up. I needed closure. I got it.
How do you feel? Is that why we are here? Closure; to get and help others have closure.
Speaking from lots of experience, closure for severe wounds takes a long time. I find that "writing" about what I feel really helps. It's almost like applying medicine to help the wound heal faster (IMO).
If you can communicate your feelings (as you did in a letter) to the receipent, sometimes that's all that's needed. I am sorry for you that you suffered so long.
You are right about the baggage. Who needs it! It's best to get on with life, but it's just so difficult to do when you're hurting.
I don't know the exact reason I am here, but I do know that every day I seek out positives... I will need to recall all the positive things I can for the difficult journies that are ahead.
I struggled so very much after leaving TWI. Wouldn't call it a severe wound, but I carried a ton of guilt around. GSC has been healing to me. The guilt is gone. The guilt has turned into spiritual confusion, but this is a good thing. It challenges me to seek answers.
I'm not sure if I feel that "time heals all wounds", but I do know time makes them better. Time has done a remarkable job on healing some wounds of mine that I thougt for sure would follow me all the days of my life. Others... well... a pang of pain will still show it's face every now and then.
Speaking from lots of experience, closure for severe wounds takes a long time. I find that "writing" about what I feel really helps. It's almost like applying medicine to help the wound heal faster (IMO).
If you can communicate your feelings (as you did in a letter) to the receipent, sometimes that's all that's needed. I am sorry for you that you suffered so long.
You are right about the baggage. Who needs it! It's best to get on with life, but it's just so difficult to do when you're hurting.
I don't know the exact reason I am here, but I do know that every day I seek out positives... I will need to recall all the positive things I can for the difficult journies that are ahead.
I struggled so very much after leaving TWI. Wouldn't call it a severe wound, but I carried a ton of guilt around. GSC has been healing to me. The guilt is gone. The guilt has turned into spiritual confusion, but this is a good thing. It challenges me to seek answers.
I'm not sure if I feel that "time heals all wounds", but I do know time makes them better. Time has done a remarkable job on healing some wounds of mine that I thougt for sure would follow me all the days of my life. Others... well... a pang of pain will still show it's face every now and then.
Very interesting topic. Been dealing with the issue of closure in my personal life...whether or not just 'moving on' because 'that's in the past' is healthy...
In therapy I was taught to take an issue (at that particular time the issue was childhood sexual abuse) and make it very small in my mind's eye. So small, in fact, that I could place it in a miniature bottle, put the cap on it, and put it on the shelf where it could do me no more harm.
That worked for several years.
Until the shelf became so full that bottles were falling off and all the stuff in them was spilling out and messing up my mind anyway.
Stuffing it all into a small bottle and shelving it is not dealing with it once and for all. It's really just making things worse because you never know when it's all going to spill out...and, too often, it's a small leak that becomes a slow but deadly poison that taints everything we think, say and do.
Something I learned when studying the shaman's path was to learn the lesson of every situation. Stand in the middle of the maelstrom, let it swirl around me while I stand still...slow it all down and look at the individual pieces of the whole...feel the feelings...but stand still and not get sucked into the vortex...then let each piece dissolve into nothingness...soon all of the pieces are gone and there is no more storm...and will be no more storm because the lessons have been learned for that situation.
That's what goes on here, imo. We are able to stand in the middle of all the issues and pick them out one at a time, figure out all the feelings and mechanics of what happened, and then let them dissolve, 'die' if you will, of our own volition.
That's closure. IMO.
That's an absolute requirement of successfully 'moving on'.
I like the sheman's path method.... the maelstrom/vortex analyzing analogy of closure. I would suggest that the sheman method could be used successfuly in many instances, however, I will always be an advocate of time. If I incur a severe hurt today, I can't stand in the maelstrom tomorrow and let it all die.
Once, at a non-affiliated twi seminar, about 20 of us wrote all of our childhood hurts down on separate post-its. We then stuck all the notes to us. We thought about direct negative results that came from the hurts. We then ripped them off and threw them into a huge fire. It was kind of liberating to do that (until we realized the chimney damper was closed). Once the smoke cleared, we wrote the opposite word of the particular hurt on a post-it and stuck those words to us. We walked around all day with sticky notes posted everywhere on us. Whenever anyone greeted us, they had to choose a name off of one of our post-its. Sounds goofie now, but I walked away changed for the bettter.
I need closure in two major areas of my life right now, but I'm not in a position to demand that it happen now. It's too soon. I can't stand in a maelstrom. I can't wallpaper myself in post its. The only thing I can do is wait. I neglected to say anything about prayer for closure in previous posts because I'm new to GSC. Personally speaking, I make my needs known to God and wait for God's time. In the meantime, I move forward, always knowing that.... this too shall pass.
My mother and father died together in a car accident 34 years ago when I was just 16 years old. It was at a time when we were not getting along all too well. As you can imagine, 16 year old girls can be a handful for their parents.
They left in the car after dinner one night. My dad came back into the house after I thought they were gone to get something he had forgotten. The last thing I said to him was, and I quote "What are YOU doing here?" You see, I thought I had the house to myself and I was annoyed that one parent was back in the picture, even briefly, to ruin my autonomy.
I never saw my mom or my dad again. I never have found closure concerning this turn of events. I don't think I ever will, that is, until we're all in heaven and I can find them both and apologise, tell them how much I love them, how much I missed them, tell them how sorry I am that things went the way they did.
The last thing I did to my mother was lie. I was 17 years old and I lied to her. IT too has bothered me. IT has made me very weird in that I have allowed my Father to be a poop head to me and I never leave with an angry word. I am always afraid that my "fight" will be the last thing that happens between us.
So, I do know what you are feeling only yours are doubled, it must be awful. I just keep trying to tell myself all teens do things like that and my mom knew it. One day, she said she understood that I "hate" her now because I am a teenager but someday when I became 20 or so we would become friends. She said "I thought you should know that..."
What a gift those words became in trying to forgive myself for my horrid lie I said at 17 to my mother.
I am not sure that has ever "closed" I did move on I guess but like I said the effects are still there.
Hi Dot. I'm so sorry about your loss at a young age. It's a club I hate to see anyone have to join. Your experience left you scarred in that you can never leave with an angry word. I fight to keep back my fears EVERY SINGLE TIME my daughter, my husband, or anyone else I love leaves my presence. It's been my constant curse. When one of them fails to show up when they're expected I literally freak out sometimes.
I think of all the years past the teen ones, when I was tolerable.... smile.
I think we'd have been great friends my mom and me. I am sure your parents knew you loved them and were just a teen, they were once teens as well. Wierd creature the teen. So young, yet they know it all and the same parent who used to wipe their bottoms become the enemy.
I think we'd have been great friends my mom and me. I am sure your parents knew you loved them and were just a teen, they were once teens as well. Wierd creature the teen. So young, yet they know it all and the same parent who used to wipe their bottoms become the enemy.
((((Dot)))) ((((NL))))
Yes, I'm sure you would have been great friends. Your mom was wise to tell you so.
Good point about teens, Dot.
Hard as I try, I'm not always successful in showing my kids I'm not the enemy. It's the nature of the age, I suppose... head-strong. I do know.... whatever it is they scream at me.... no matter how they feel.... I do know they don't mean it. I do tell them this. It only makes them angrier, but it's ok. Some day they will understand.
They were my step in "moving forward". We adopted them when it was clear I would never get pregnant. Time in itself has been a healer to me in many areas, but I don't mean to say that it would take away the hurt of losing someone you love. I've not been down that road yet, but I am very sure I won't be saying "this too shall pass".
I think of closure more in terms of personal relationships... with TWI I'm just "mentally over it" and have long since moved on, but I don't know that it can ever be "closed"... because on the one hand it's a multi-headed entity that's still out there trying to affect people and on the other there were so many habits ingrained into my behavior that they still pop up once in a while...
Above is an enormous group hug! Welcome Amazingrace! I like what you said - writing about things you feel. I've been out a long time but am a newcomer to Grease Spot, I think it's so helpful to write stuff out - maybe it makes us process stuff - or give it a shape - define things - where we can "see" them a little better...I like what DotMatrix said about closure and moving on. There's a whole lot in that process - I don't know - garnering lessons, identifying problems, whatever. And then getting on with my life. That's an amazing mind-picture from CoolWaters - standing in the middle of a maelstrom and dealing with each issue...And TomStrange hit a nerve with me - about relationships...I think it's great that Grease Spot has such a variety of people [viewpoints, beliefs, experiences, etc.] - it may feel a little unnerving at first - but I think it's a lot closer to reality than feeling "safe and comfortable" inside a group-think-alike-cacoon [like TWI]...I came from a very dysfunctional family - got into TWI - which only boosted my dysfunctionality to a higher octane level. Lately I feel like I've opened up a can of worms as I think about my relationships - that's why I love to read a lot on Grease Spot - considering how other people deal with stuff...My thanks to everyone for opening up this portion of your heart!
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pond
I believe I am to think.
for me that is closure of a sorts I often leave doors open to allow for change I try not to burn any bridges.
it isnt always poossible.
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topoftheworld
If you were among the TWI walking wounded, then closure was an absolute neccesity. Even if you were able to keep body and soul together as is neccessary to live you need something to close the wound.
It may not always heal: time tends to take care of most of that.
My first three months reading Greasespot did an amazing job of allowing my to purge a lot of ghosts. Now I continue because of the atmosphere and chance to connect. If any old wounds reappear, they close quickly enough.
I lost a dear friend about 14 years ago under horrible circumstances. I found myself involved with her brother and other family members with the process of closing up her house and taking care of the practical matters that were left. The time involved made it impossible to grieve or begin to put things behind. It was physically painful, every day, for at least a year; but slowly it got better. I don't know that the pain will every go away completely, but distance helps.
Anyway, that's just MO.
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Amazingrace
Speaking from lots of experience, closure for severe wounds takes a long time. I find that "writing" about what I feel really helps. It's almost like applying medicine to help the wound heal faster (IMO).
If you can communicate your feelings (as you did in a letter) to the receipent, sometimes that's all that's needed. I am sorry for you that you suffered so long.
You are right about the baggage. Who needs it! It's best to get on with life, but it's just so difficult to do when you're hurting.
I don't know the exact reason I am here, but I do know that every day I seek out positives... I will need to recall all the positive things I can for the difficult journies that are ahead.
I struggled so very much after leaving TWI. Wouldn't call it a severe wound, but I carried a ton of guilt around. GSC has been healing to me. The guilt is gone. The guilt has turned into spiritual confusion, but this is a good thing. It challenges me to seek answers.
I'm not sure if I feel that "time heals all wounds", but I do know time makes them better. Time has done a remarkable job on healing some wounds of mine that I thougt for sure would follow me all the days of my life. Others... well... a pang of pain will still show it's face every now and then.
Time makes some things more bearable.
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dmiller
Amazingrace ~~~ welcome to GreaseSpot.
Great sentiments there. :)
(Ps -- is that pronounced Amazin Grace;
or Amazing Race??
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Amazingrace
Thanks for the warm welcome!
Pronounced Amazingrace because it is.
Pronounced Amazin Grace because I am.
Pronounced Amazing Race because.... um.... oh... I know!... It's CLOSURE....
closure to the answer "Why am I here?"
To run the Amazing Race of Life, of course, along with people from every amazing race.
(Hey you've got to give me credit for staying on topic
)
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CoolWaters
Very interesting topic. Been dealing with the issue of closure in my personal life...whether or not just 'moving on' because 'that's in the past' is healthy...
In therapy I was taught to take an issue (at that particular time the issue was childhood sexual abuse) and make it very small in my mind's eye. So small, in fact, that I could place it in a miniature bottle, put the cap on it, and put it on the shelf where it could do me no more harm.
That worked for several years.
Until the shelf became so full that bottles were falling off and all the stuff in them was spilling out and messing up my mind anyway.
Stuffing it all into a small bottle and shelving it is not dealing with it once and for all. It's really just making things worse because you never know when it's all going to spill out...and, too often, it's a small leak that becomes a slow but deadly poison that taints everything we think, say and do.
Something I learned when studying the shaman's path was to learn the lesson of every situation. Stand in the middle of the maelstrom, let it swirl around me while I stand still...slow it all down and look at the individual pieces of the whole...feel the feelings...but stand still and not get sucked into the vortex...then let each piece dissolve into nothingness...soon all of the pieces are gone and there is no more storm...and will be no more storm because the lessons have been learned for that situation.
That's what goes on here, imo. We are able to stand in the middle of all the issues and pick them out one at a time, figure out all the feelings and mechanics of what happened, and then let them dissolve, 'die' if you will, of our own volition.
That's closure. IMO.
That's an absolute requirement of successfully 'moving on'.
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Dot Matrix
"Something I learned when studying the shaman's path was to learn the lesson of every situation"
I have been seeing that myself and perhaps thr recognition of "the lesson" is the closure which allows the moving on
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Amazingrace
I like the sheman's path method.... the maelstrom/vortex analyzing analogy of closure. I would suggest that the sheman method could be used successfuly in many instances, however, I will always be an advocate of time. If I incur a severe hurt today, I can't stand in the maelstrom tomorrow and let it all die.
Once, at a non-affiliated twi seminar, about 20 of us wrote all of our childhood hurts down on separate post-its. We then stuck all the notes to us. We thought about direct negative results that came from the hurts. We then ripped them off and threw them into a huge fire. It was kind of liberating to do that (until we realized the chimney damper was closed). Once the smoke cleared, we wrote the opposite word of the particular hurt on a post-it and stuck those words to us. We walked around all day with sticky notes posted everywhere on us. Whenever anyone greeted us, they had to choose a name off of one of our post-its. Sounds goofie now, but I walked away changed for the bettter.
I need closure in two major areas of my life right now, but I'm not in a position to demand that it happen now. It's too soon. I can't stand in a maelstrom. I can't wallpaper myself in post its. The only thing I can do is wait. I neglected to say anything about prayer for closure in previous posts because I'm new to GSC. Personally speaking, I make my needs known to God and wait for God's time. In the meantime, I move forward, always knowing that.... this too shall pass.
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nolongerlurking
My mother and father died together in a car accident 34 years ago when I was just 16 years old. It was at a time when we were not getting along all too well. As you can imagine, 16 year old girls can be a handful for their parents.
They left in the car after dinner one night. My dad came back into the house after I thought they were gone to get something he had forgotten. The last thing I said to him was, and I quote "What are YOU doing here?" You see, I thought I had the house to myself and I was annoyed that one parent was back in the picture, even briefly, to ruin my autonomy.
I never saw my mom or my dad again. I never have found closure concerning this turn of events. I don't think I ever will, that is, until we're all in heaven and I can find them both and apologise, tell them how much I love them, how much I missed them, tell them how sorry I am that things went the way they did.
Life really sucks sometimes doesn't it?
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lindyhopper
((((((((((NLL)))))))))) :(
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Dot Matrix
((((NLL))))
The last thing I did to my mother was lie. I was 17 years old and I lied to her. IT too has bothered me. IT has made me very weird in that I have allowed my Father to be a poop head to me and I never leave with an angry word. I am always afraid that my "fight" will be the last thing that happens between us.
So, I do know what you are feeling only yours are doubled, it must be awful. I just keep trying to tell myself all teens do things like that and my mom knew it. One day, she said she understood that I "hate" her now because I am a teenager but someday when I became 20 or so we would become friends. She said "I thought you should know that..."
What a gift those words became in trying to forgive myself for my horrid lie I said at 17 to my mother.
I am not sure that has ever "closed" I did move on I guess but like I said the effects are still there.
Welcome Amazing grace
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nolongerlurking
Hi Dot. I'm so sorry about your loss at a young age. It's a club I hate to see anyone have to join. Your experience left you scarred in that you can never leave with an angry word. I fight to keep back my fears EVERY SINGLE TIME my daughter, my husband, or anyone else I love leaves my presence. It's been my constant curse. When one of them fails to show up when they're expected I literally freak out sometimes.
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Dot Matrix
It is an odd club you wish you did not belong to.
I think of all the years past the teen ones, when I was tolerable.... smile.
I think we'd have been great friends my mom and me. I am sure your parents knew you loved them and were just a teen, they were once teens as well. Wierd creature the teen. So young, yet they know it all and the same parent who used to wipe their bottoms become the enemy.
Weird huh?
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Amazingrace
((((Dot)))) ((((NL))))
Yes, I'm sure you would have been great friends. Your mom was wise to tell you so.
Good point about teens, Dot.
Hard as I try, I'm not always successful in showing my kids I'm not the enemy. It's the nature of the age, I suppose... head-strong. I do know.... whatever it is they scream at me.... no matter how they feel.... I do know they don't mean it. I do tell them this. It only makes them angrier, but it's ok. Some day they will understand.
They were my step in "moving forward". We adopted them when it was clear I would never get pregnant. Time in itself has been a healer to me in many areas, but I don't mean to say that it would take away the hurt of losing someone you love. I've not been down that road yet, but I am very sure I won't be saying "this too shall pass".
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Tom Strange
I think of closure more in terms of personal relationships... with TWI I'm just "mentally over it" and have long since moved on, but I don't know that it can ever be "closed"... because on the one hand it's a multi-headed entity that's still out there trying to affect people and on the other there were so many habits ingrained into my behavior that they still pop up once in a while...
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T-Bone
(((((((((((((((Grease Spot Patrons))))))))))))))))))))))))
Above is an enormous group hug! Welcome Amazingrace! I like what you said - writing about things you feel. I've been out a long time but am a newcomer to Grease Spot, I think it's so helpful to write stuff out - maybe it makes us process stuff - or give it a shape - define things - where we can "see" them a little better...I like what DotMatrix said about closure and moving on. There's a whole lot in that process - I don't know - garnering lessons, identifying problems, whatever. And then getting on with my life. That's an amazing mind-picture from CoolWaters - standing in the middle of a maelstrom and dealing with each issue...And TomStrange hit a nerve with me - about relationships...I think it's great that Grease Spot has such a variety of people [viewpoints, beliefs, experiences, etc.] - it may feel a little unnerving at first - but I think it's a lot closer to reality than feeling "safe and comfortable" inside a group-think-alike-cacoon [like TWI]...I came from a very dysfunctional family - got into TWI - which only boosted my dysfunctionality to a higher octane level. Lately I feel like I've opened up a can of worms as I think about my relationships - that's why I love to read a lot on Grease Spot - considering how other people deal with stuff...My thanks to everyone for opening up this portion of your heart!
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