Another Joke

[dmiller]

Texas cowboy was tending to his herd in a remote pasture when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud towards him.

The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leaned out the window and asked the cowboy...

"If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?"

The cowboy looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, Why not?"

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his AT&T cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite navigation system to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.

The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany. Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses a MS-SQL database through anODBCconnected Excel spreadsheet with hundreds of complex formulas. He uploads all of this data via an email onhis Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response.

Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and finally turns to the cowboy and says,

''You have exactly 1586 cows and calves."

"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says the cowboy. He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on amused as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.

Then the cowboy says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf? The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"

"You're a consultant for the National Democratic Party," says the cowboy.

"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"

"No guessing required," answered the cowboy,

"You showed up here even though nobody called you;

you want to get paid for an answer I already knew,

to a question I never asked;

and you don't know anything about my business...

Now give me back my dog."

Edited April 12, 2006 by dmiller

[topoftheworld]

Good one, D.

[SafariVista]

Very Funny Mr. DM

[Suda]

A man walked into the ladies department of a Macy's and shyly walked up to the woman behind the counter and said, "I'd like to buy a bra for my wife.

What type of bra?" asked the clerk. Type?" inquires the man, "There's more than one type? Look around," said the saleslady, as she showed a sea of bras in every shape, size, color and material imaginable.

Actually, even with all of this variety, there are really only four types of bras to choose from. Relieved, the man asked about the types. The saleslady replied: There are the Catholic, the Salvation Army, the Presbyterian, and the Baptist types. Which one would you prefer?

Now totally befuddled, the man asked about the differences between them. The Saleslady responded, "It is all really quite simple...

The Catholic type supports the masses.

The Salvation Army type lifts the fallen,

The Presbyterian type keeps them staunch and upright, and

The Baptist makes mountains out of mole hills.

Have you ever wondered why A, B, C, D, DD, E, F, G, and H are the letters used to define bra sizes? If you have wondered why, but couldn't figure out what the letters

stood for, it is about time you became informed!

(A} Almost Boobs...

{B} Barely there.

{C} Can't Complain!

{D} Dang!

{DD} Double dang!

{E} Enormous!

{F} Fake.

{G} Get a Reduction.

{H} Help me, I've fallen and I can't get up !

They forgot the German bra. Holtzemfromfloppen!

[Suda]

Think

You are driving down the road in your car on a wild, stormy night, when you pass by a bus stop and you see three people waiting for the bus:

1. An old lady who looks as if she is about to die.

2. An old friend who once saved your life.

3. The perfect partner you have been dreaming about.

Which one would you choose to offer a ride to, knowing that there could only be one passenger in your car?

Think before you continue reading.

This is a moral/ethical dilemma that was once actually used as part of a job application. You could pick up the old lady, because she is going to die, and thus you should save her first. Or you could take the old friend because he once saved your life, and this would be the perfect chance to pay him back. However, you may never be able to find your perfect mate again.

The candidate who was hired (out of 200 applicants) had no trouble coming up with his answer. He simply answered: "I would give the car keys to my old friend and let him take the lady to the hospital. I would stay behind and wait for the bus with the partner of my dreams. Sometimes, we gain more if we are able to give up our stubborn thought limitations. Never forget to "Think Outside of the Box."

HOWEVER.....................................the correct answer is for most men is (see below)

To run the old lady over and put her out of her misery, have sex with the perfect partner on the hood of the car, then drive off with the old friend for a few beers.

They just love happy endings !

And another joke:

Boy kills dog

Two boys in Boston were throwing a baseball around when one was attacked by a rabid Rottweiler. Thinking quickly, the other boy picked up a large stick, wedged it into the dog's collar and twisted it, snapping the dog's neck.

A reporter from the Boston Globe who witnessed the whole incident rushes over to interview the brave boy. The reporter pulls out his laptop and starts typing. The headline reads:

"Brave Young Red Sox Fan Saves Friend From Vicious Animal."

"But," the boy interjects, "I'm not a Red Sox fan."

Tapping the delete key, the reporter replies, "Sorry, but I saw you playing baseball, and since we're here in Boston, I just figured you had to be."

The reporter's fingers start flying around the keyboard again. The new headline: "John Kerry Fan Rescues Friend from Horrific Dog Attack."

"But I'm not a Kerry fan, either," the boy responds. The reporter, looking dejected, says, "Sorry young tyke. Since you're not a Red Sox fan, I figured you were at least for Kerry."

"Well, I'm sorry to say that's not correct," the boy replies. "I'm a Texas Rangers fan and I really like President Bush."

Relieved, the reporter finally has his angle for the story: "Arrogant Little Conservative B*stard Kills Beloved Family Pet"

Edited April 29, 2006 by sudossuda

[topoftheworld]