A drunk staggers out of a bar and runs right into two priests. He says, "I'm Jesus Christ." The first priest says, "No, son, you're not." So the drunk says it to the second priest. The second priest says, "No, son, you're not." The drunk says, "Look, I can prove it." He walks back into the bar with the two priests. The bartender takes one look at the drunk and exclaims, "Jesus Christ, you're here again?"
And why couldn't the bartender serve a fun guy?? I'm probably digging myself in deeper here since obviously Raf got it.. and you had to explain it for me. Geeze doncha' HATE it when you have to explain jokes? But.. man... sakes alive.. I still don't get it. So OK... let the ridicule begin... I'll just take it.
OK.. I told you not to tell anyone where I got my doctorate but I see my feelings mean nothing to you. Be that as it may... I still don't get it :blink:
Doctor Sudo, go up to anyone (of age) on the street(*) and tell this joke exactly as it is typed above, remember to pronounce 'fungi' as "fun guy", and they'll get it... they may not laugh, but they'll get it...
(*) Of course, this may not hold true for the metropolitan areas of Memphis or greater Oxford.
A Texan walks into a bar and orders drinks for the house because, he announces, his wife has just given birth to "a typical Texas baby boy weighing 20 pounds." He's showered with congratulations as well as exclamations about the baby's enormous size. One fragile woman faints from sympathy pains.
Two weeks later the man returns to the bar for a beer. "Hey," says the bartender. "You're the father of the Texas baby that weighed 20 pounds. How much does he weigh now?
"Fifteen," the father answers.
The bartender responds, "What happened? He lost five pounds."
The father takes a swig from his beer, smiles, and says, "We just had him circumsized."
There is a factory which makes the "Tickle Me Elmo toys. As you know the toy laughs when you tickle it.
A new employee is hired at the Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8 a.m. At 8:45 there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door. The foreman from the assembly line throws open the door and begins to rant about the new employee. He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule.
The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the two men go down to the factory floor. When they get there the line is so backed up there are Tickle Me Elmos all over the factory floor. and beginning to pile up. At the end of the line stands the new employee surrounded by a mountain of Tickle Me Elmos. She has a roll of plush red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles. The men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs.
The Personnel Manager suddenly burst into laughter. After several minutes of hysterics and tears from laughter streaming down his face, he pulls himself together and approaches the woman. "I'm sorry" he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, "but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday. Your job is to give each Elmo coming off the line a couple of test tickles."
This lady approaches a priest and tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have these two talking female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing."
"What do they say?" the priest asked.
"They only know how to say, 'Hi, we are prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?'"
"That's terrible!" the priest exclaimed, "But I have a solution to your problem. Bring your two talking female parrots over to my house and I will put them with my two male talking parrots who I have taught to pray and read the Bible. My parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase and your female parrots will learn to pray and worship."
"Thank you," said the lady.
The next day, the lady brings her female parrots to the priest's house. The priest's two male parrots are holding rosary beads and praying in their cage.
The lady puts her female talking parrots in with the male talking parrots and the female parrots say, "Hi, we are prostitutes! Do you want to have some fun?"
One male parrot looks over to the other male parrot and screams, "Frank! Put the Bibles away--our prayers have been answered!"
On the outskirts of town, there was a big old pecan tree by the cemetery fence. One day two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts. "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me," said one boy. Several were dropped and rolled down toward the fence.
Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me." He just knew what it was. "Oh my," he shuddered; it's Satan and the Lord dividing the souls at the cemetery. He jumped back on his bike and rode off. Just around the bend he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along.
"Come here quick," said the boy, "you won't believe what I heard. Satan and the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls.” The man said, "Beat it kid, can't you see it's hard for me to walk." When the boy insisted, though, the man hobbled to the cemetery. Standing by the fence they heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me." The old man whispered, "Boy, you've been tellin' the truth. Let's see if we can see the devil himself."
Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet were still unable to see anything. The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of Satan.
At last they heard, "One for you, one for me. And one last one for you. That's all. Now let's go get those nuts by the fence, and we'll be done."
They say the old guy made it back to town five minutes before the boy.
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topoftheworld
Ok, now I'm butting in. They're like Lay's: once you start, ya can't stop.
A guy walks into a bar and there is a horse behind the bar serving drinks.
The guy is just staring at the horse, when the horse says, "What are you staring at? Haven't you ever seen a horse serving drinks before?"
The guy says, "No, I never thought the parrot would sell the place."
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Nottawayfer
Q: Why did the popcorn get arrested?
A: For a salt and buttery
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topoftheworld
A polar bear, a giraffe and a penguin walk into a bar. The bartender says, "What is this? Some kind of joke?"
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Sushi
A horse walks into a bar.
Bartender says, "Why the long face?"
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Flow7
A man walks into a bar and says ouch.
Two men walk into a bar.....you'd think the second one would have seen it.
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topoftheworld
A drunk staggers out of a bar and runs right into two priests. He says, "I'm Jesus Christ." The first priest says, "No, son, you're not." So the drunk says it to the second priest. The second priest says, "No, son, you're not." The drunk says, "Look, I can prove it." He walks back into the bar with the two priests. The bartender takes one look at the drunk and exclaims, "Jesus Christ, you're here again?"
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Tom Strange
A mushroom walks into a bar and orders a drink.
Bartender says: "I'm sorry, I can't serve you"
Mushroom says: "Why not? I'm a fungi."
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Sudo
Tom,
Ok.. I'll admit it. I don't get it <_ .>
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Raf
I'm a fun guy
I'm a fungi
Get it?
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Tom Strange
Raf is correct Doctor Sudo... (if that's your real name)...
How about this one:
Q: What part of a fish weighs the most?
A: The scales!
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Sudo
Tom Strange,
And why couldn't the bartender serve a fun guy?? I'm probably digging myself in deeper here since obviously Raf got it.. and you had to explain it for me. Geeze doncha' HATE it when you have to explain jokes? But.. man... sakes alive.. I still don't get it. So OK... let the ridicule begin... I'll just take it.
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topoftheworld
A brain walks into a bar and says, "I'll have a pint of beer please."
The barman looks at him and says "Sorry, I can't serve you."
"Why not?" askes the brain.
"You're already out of your head."
Does that help?
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Tom Strange
OK... just for you Doctor Sudo... (from Pike's Peak?)
That's the point! Exactly! (Is this Abbot and Costello?)1. The bartender refused to serve him
2. He responded with "why not? I'm a fun guy.
...or are you just trying to trick me with one of your Doctor games?
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Sudo
Tom,
OK.. I told you not to tell anyone where I got my doctorate but I see my feelings mean nothing to you. Be that as it may... I still don't get it :blink:
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Tom Strange
Doctor Sudo, go up to anyone (of age) on the street(*) and tell this joke exactly as it is typed above, remember to pronounce 'fungi' as "fun guy", and they'll get it... they may not laugh, but they'll get it...
(*) Of course, this may not hold true for the metropolitan areas of Memphis or greater Oxford.
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topoftheworld
Maybe the mushroom is Italian.
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dmiller
A Texan walks into a bar and orders drinks for the house because, he announces, his wife has just given birth to "a typical Texas baby boy weighing 20 pounds." He's showered with congratulations as well as exclamations about the baby's enormous size. One fragile woman faints from sympathy pains.
Two weeks later the man returns to the bar for a beer. "Hey," says the bartender. "You're the father of the Texas baby that weighed 20 pounds. How much does he weigh now?
"Fifteen," the father answers.
The bartender responds, "What happened? He lost five pounds."
The father takes a swig from his beer, smiles, and says, "We just had him circumsized."
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Kit Sober
There is a factory which makes the "Tickle Me Elmo toys. As you know the toy laughs when you tickle it.
A new employee is hired at the Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8 a.m. At 8:45 there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door. The foreman from the assembly line throws open the door and begins to rant about the new employee. He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule.
The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the two men go down to the factory floor. When they get there the line is so backed up there are Tickle Me Elmos all over the factory floor. and beginning to pile up. At the end of the line stands the new employee surrounded by a mountain of Tickle Me Elmos. She has a roll of plush red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles. The men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs.
The Personnel Manager suddenly burst into laughter. After several minutes of hysterics and tears from laughter streaming down his face, he pulls himself together and approaches the woman. "I'm sorry" he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, "but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday. Your job is to give each Elmo coming off the line a couple of test tickles."
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topoftheworld
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SafariVista
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SafariVista
This lady approaches a priest and tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have these two talking female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing."
"What do they say?" the priest asked.
"They only know how to say, 'Hi, we are prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?'"
"That's terrible!" the priest exclaimed, "But I have a solution to your problem. Bring your two talking female parrots over to my house and I will put them with my two male talking parrots who I have taught to pray and read the Bible. My parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase and your female parrots will learn to pray and worship."
"Thank you," said the lady.
The next day, the lady brings her female parrots to the priest's house. The priest's two male parrots are holding rosary beads and praying in their cage.
The lady puts her female talking parrots in with the male talking parrots and the female parrots say, "Hi, we are prostitutes! Do you want to have some fun?"
One male parrot looks over to the other male parrot and screams, "Frank! Put the Bibles away--our prayers have been answered!"
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SafariVista
This is one of my favorites:
Dividing Pecans
On the outskirts of town, there was a big old pecan tree by the cemetery fence. One day two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts. "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me," said one boy. Several were dropped and rolled down toward the fence.
Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me." He just knew what it was. "Oh my," he shuddered; it's Satan and the Lord dividing the souls at the cemetery. He jumped back on his bike and rode off. Just around the bend he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along.
"Come here quick," said the boy, "you won't believe what I heard. Satan and the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls.” The man said, "Beat it kid, can't you see it's hard for me to walk." When the boy insisted, though, the man hobbled to the cemetery. Standing by the fence they heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me." The old man whispered, "Boy, you've been tellin' the truth. Let's see if we can see the devil himself."
Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet were still unable to see anything. The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of Satan.
At last they heard, "One for you, one for me. And one last one for you. That's all. Now let's go get those nuts by the fence, and we'll be done."
They say the old guy made it back to town five minutes before the boy.
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dmiller
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Sushi
A true geek joke (which I'm not going to explain, since that would suck all the humor out of it):
Heisenberg got pulled over one afternoon.
Police officer asks him, "Sir, do you know how fast you were going?"
Heisenberg replies, "No, but I know exactly where I am"
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