Jerry Garcia, and Eric Clapton were on an airplane, which got grounded in the wilds of Africa, and they fell into the hands of a hostile tribe of natives.
The natives told them that they were going to sacrifice them to their gods,
but would grant them one last request.
They looked at Jerry first, and said "What is your last request"??
Jerry said "I want to play *Truckin* the long version one more time.
The natives said "fine. So be it".
Then they asked Clapton what his last request was, and he said ---
You want to be a banjo picker you don't need a ticket
Just get yourself a banjo rare back and pick it...
How can you tell if there's a banjo player at the door? He can't find the key or he doesn't know when to come in.
What's the difference between a macaw and a banjo? One is loud, obnoxious and noisy, the other is a bird.
What do you call 25 banjo-players up to their necks in sand? Not enough sand.
What's the definition of a gentleman? Someone who can play the banjo but doesn't.
What's the difference between a hedgehog that's been run over and a banjo that's been run over? The hedgehog has skid marks in front of it.
What's the difference between a banjo player driving down the road and a frog driving down the road? There is a slight possibility that the frog might be going to a gig.
Do you know what they call a banjo player without a girlfriend? Homeless.
Do you know how to tell when a banjo player is playing out of key? His fingers are moving.
Walking in New Orleans the other day my daughter and I passed a cemetery - she says "Daddy, I didn't know they put two people in the same grave". I said honey they never do that. She said well look for yourself, on the tombstone it says - here lies a banjo player and a talented musician.
What do you call a guy who hangs out with a bunch of musicians? A banjo player.
How many banjo players does it take to screw in a light bulb? Just one - they put the bulb in the socket and then the whole world revolves around them.
How do you know if you're looking at a banjo player's family tree? It has only one branch.
How do you know the host of a party is a banjo player? If all the salad bowls say "Parkay" on the side.
How do you know you are at the home of a banjo player? If the car doesn't have wheels but the house does.
What is the difference between a banjo and an onion? Nobody cries when you chop up a banjo.
How do you tune 2 banjos? You shoot one of them.
What do you throw a drowning banjo player. - His banjo!
How many banjo players does it take to screw in a light bulb... answer: 3 - 1 to hold the bulb, 2 to turn the ladder!
What's the difference between a banjo and a keyring? Keyrings hold the key!
What's the difference between a professional banjo player (banjologist?) and a pizza? A pizza can feed a family of four!
What's the definition of an optimist? A banjo player with an answer phone.
A banjo player leaves his banjo on view in the back of his car. On his return he was unhappy to find his rear window smashed in and TWO MORE banjos in the back seat!
The banjo is a divine instrument. Man plays it but only God knows why!
Some people instantly dislike banjo players. It saves time.
The banjo is to music what spam is to food.
Gorillas cannot be taught to play the banjo. They're too sensitive.
How can you tell when a banjo player is on the level...when he drools out of both sides of his mouth at the same time!! :-)
Why are there no Banjos in Star Wars? Because it's set in the future!
What is the ideal weight of a banjo-player? 8 pounds, including the urn.
Doctor: "I'm sorry to tell you, but you only have one month left to live!"
Woman: "But doctor, isn't there anything at all I can do?"
Doctor: "You could marry a banjo-player!"
Woman: "Oh, will I live longer, then"
Doctor: "No, but it will feel much longer!"
A banjo player parks his car in a bad neighbourhood with his banjo in the back seat. As he leaves he notices a sign that says , " DO NOT LEAVE CAR UNATTENDED. He goes on and when he returns sure enough someone has broken into his car and put in five more banjos.
Recently linguists at a prestigious American University programmed a Cray Supercomputer to determine what one sentence in the English language is least likely to ever be uttered. The answer? "Is that the banjo player's Porsche?"
Q. How do you stop the BP playing? A. put a sheet of music in front of him.
A tenor BP is fed up with constantly having the Mickey taken and speaks to his friend who is also a musician (sorry, who is a musician). His pal says "save up your cash and trade in that piece of firewood against a nice mandolin, a nice pre-war Gibson would give you a ton of cred! The BP saves and saves and one day goes shopping with a wad of dosh. "I'm looking for a nice mandolin, a pre-war Gibson was what I had in mind", he says. The assistant says, "Are you by any chance a tenor BP?". "Why, yes! You obviously recognise me!", replies our hero. "No, sir, it's just that this is a shoe-shop."
Q. How long does it take to tune a banjo? A. Nobody knows.
What's the difference between a hedgehog and a banjo. If you saw a hedgehog in the road you'd probably swerve to miss it.
How do you make a banjo player's car more aerodynamic? Take the pizza delivery sign of the roof.
What's the most beautiful sound anyone ever got out of a banjo? Splash.
Why does it take three weeks for a banjo player to fill up a salt shaker? It's hard to put those tiny little beads in those tiny little holes.
What do they call a dead banjo player found in a closet? Last years hide and seek campion.
Just a serious note here....as if anyone could be serious about banjers...
When a string band plays a gig, they play lotsa tunes in different keys (duh). When they have to change keys, the fiddle player, the guitar player, the mandolin player and the bass player just play their instrument in the neccessary key.
The auto harp player sometimes has to grab another harp in a different key while the poor hapless banjer picker has to retune his instrument. This requires a few minutes so the band has to "fill" stage time while the banjo guy retunes.
What could be more entertaining and apprpriate "fill" than a banjo joke...unless it's hawking tapes and CDs...or soliciting tips!!!!
This reply has been brought to you by
INTERNATIONAL PLECTRUM SOCIETY
By invitation only, the International Plectrum Society hosts the upper echelon of pickin' aristocracy. Upon unanimous acceptance of the board of directors, you will learn the secret picker's handshake, known to members only, and have access to the full benefits of this exclusive society. Some new accessories and products are available for the initiate as well as established members: A copy of the Sacred Book of Earl, Picker Likker, our own vintage brew, Pickers Knickers, highest quality silk boxer shorts, elegantly embroidered with the IPS logo, and the Plectern Lectern, a handy pick holder for any gig or jam session. Don't be surprised someday if one of our members seeks you out to join the Plectral Family --- just like our motto,
"We've got a nose for pickin'!"
IPS Plectern Lectern
This reply best viewed through a large cloud of cigar smoke after a couple of shots of Jim Beam.
2. "I got a good woman" is a bad way to begin the blues, unless you stick something nasty in the next line.
I got a good woman,
with the meanest dog in town.
3. Blues are simple. After you have the first line right, repeat it. Then find something that rhymes. Sort of.
Got a good woman
with the meanest dog in town.
He got teeth like Margaret Thatcher
and he weighs 500 pounds.
4. The blues are not about limitless choice, convertible debentures, golden parachutes, BMWs, opera, or environmental impact statements.
5. Blues cars are Chevies and Cadillacs. Other acceptable blues transportation is Greyhound bus or a southbound train. Walkin' plays a major part in the blues lifestyle. So does fixin' to die.
6. Teenagers can't sing the blues. Adults sing the blues. Blues adulthood means old enough to get the electric chair if you shoot a man in Memphis.
7. You can have the blues in New York City, but not in Brooklyn or Queens. Hard times in Vermont or North Dakota are just a depression. Chicago, St. Louis, Austin and Kansas City are still the best places to have the blues.
8. The following colors do not belong in the blues:
a. violet
b. beige
c. mauve
d. taupe
9. You can't have the blues in an office or a shopping mall - the lighting is wrong.
10A. Good places for the Blues:
a. the highway
b. the jailhouse
c. an empty bed
10B. Bad places:
a. Ashrams
b. Gallery openings
c. Weekend in the Hamptons
d. Trump Plaza
11. No one will believe it's the blues if you wear a suit, unless you
happen to be an old black man.
Yes, if:
a. your first name is a southern state -- like Georgia
b. you're blind
c. you shot a man in Memphis (see exception below)
d. your woman can't be satisfied.
12B. No, if:
a. you were once blind but now can see.
b. you have a trust fund.
c. you hold elected office.
d. your woman CAN be satisfied.
13. Neither Julio Iglesias nor Barbara Streisand can sing the blues.
14A. If you ask for water and baby gives you gasoline, it's the blues.
Other blues beverages are:
a. cheap wine
b. Irish whiskey
c. muddy water
14B. Blues beverages are NOT:
a. Any mixed drink
b. Any wine Kosher for Passover
c. Yoo Hoo (all flavors)
15. If it occurs in a cheap motel or a shotgun shack, it's blues
death. Stabbed in the back by a jealous lover is a blues way to die.
Other blues ways to die include:
a. the electric chair
b. substance abuse
c. being denied treatment in an emergency room.
It is NOT a blues death if you die during a liposuction treatment.
16A. Some Blues names for Women
a. Sadie
b. Big Mama
c. Bessie
16B. Some Blues Names for Men
a. Joe
b. Willie
c. Little Willie
d. Lightning
Persons with names like Sierra or Sequoia will not be permitted to sing the blues no matter how many men they shoot in Memphis.
16C. Other Blues Names (Starter Kit)
a. Name of physical infirmity (Blind, Cripple, Asthmatic)
b. First name (see above) or name of fruit (Lemon, Lime, Kiwi)
c. Last name of President (Jefferson, Johnson, Fillmore, etc.)
For example, Blind Lemon Jefferson, Anorexic Willie, or Cripple Chirimoya. [Personally, I dig "Asthmatic Kiwi Fillmore" given the above choices...]
SONG WRITERS ADHERING TO THESE RULES WILL BE AUTHENTIC BLUES WRITERS !
Why in the world are there so many jokes that degrade banjos and banjo pickers? I love the banjo! I used to have one and played it fairly well. And, I used to go to bluegrass festivals all of the time back in the early seventies back in Maryland, West Virginny, Pennsylvania and Virginny. And I have heard some of the greatest and met many of the greatest, including Earl Scruggs himself. Also, John McEuen, and whoever it was who picked banjo for the Seldom Scene. And me and my "stoner" buddies all loved the banjo even though we were Zepplin heads, Stones fans, and J. Geils Band fans (Full House Live Whammer Jammer can you dig me?!!!??!!) . And, I have a heavy metal "guitar shredder" for a son who also loves the banjo. And so, what's the deal with all of these degrading jokes about banjos? DMiller, you da man here on banjos, so, what gives? It's just that I have never run across any "Banjo Discrimination" until I ran into you DMiller. And now, it seems as if Ron G is up on it also. So, wassup my picker?
So many pf the banjo jokes are from jazz musicians that have tunnel vision to them the banjo does not belong with their music so they put the banjp down.Guess they don't recall that early jazz bands alwaya had a tenor banjo player. Stll love that dixieland sound with a thumpin' tenor banjo
Once in Seattle I heard a jazz group that was playing all the old jazz standards and the instrumentation was
1.Stand Up Bass
2.Drums
3.Piano
4.Auto Harp that the player used a different tuning for and he doubled on a 12 string guitar
5 And a five string banjo player and man could that cat wail . Knocked me out
I will never forget the sound they had... it was something else.
Talk about good five string pickers my friend Randy Debruhl is one of the best and by the way he's still pickin' and grinnin'
I went through college on a band scholarship... played the French horn. That's why I thought these jokes were particularly funny... because there's an element of truth to them all. Uh, IMO that is.
How can you tell that there's a drummer at your front door?
The knocking gets faster and faster.
How can you tell that there's a vocalist at your front door?
She forgot the key and doesn't know when to come in.
How can you tell that there's an accordionist at your front door?
He doesn't stop knocking even after you answer.
How do you know when a trombone player is at your front door?
The doorbell drags.
How do you know when there's a banjo player at your door?
His hat says "Domino's".
sudo
P.S. Most of us "classically trained" types like to hold our noses up at folks like.... guitar players hence the following..
It's just that I have never run across any "Banjo Discrimination" until I ran into you DMiller. And now, it seems as if Ron G is up on it also. So, wassup my picker?
It's all in fun JL. :)
Banjo was my first bluegrass instrument, and in many ways it's still my favourite.
Banjo pickers are worse than anyone else when it comes to telling *banjokes*.
So it's not discrimination. Just poking some fun at myself. :)
~~~~~
Hey -- What key do you get, if you drop a piano down a mine shaft???
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dmiller
Jerry Garcia, and Eric Clapton were on an airplane, which got grounded in the wilds of Africa, and they fell into the hands of a hostile tribe of natives.
The natives told them that they were going to sacrifice them to their gods,
but would grant them one last request.
They looked at Jerry first, and said "What is your last request"??
Jerry said "I want to play *Truckin* the long version one more time.
The natives said "fine. So be it".
Then they asked Clapton what his last request was, and he said ---
Sacrifice me first!!!!
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mstar1
Love the Jerry Garcia one
What did the banjo player get on his IQ test?
Drool
What do you say to a banjo player in a suit?
Will the defendant please rise
"There's nothing I like better than the sound of a banjo, unless it's the sound of a chicken caught in a vacuum cleaner…"
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Ron G.
by Mason Williams
How 'bout them banjo pickers ain't they fine
Same damn song for three or four times.
Them banjo pickers all they know
Is Cumberland Gap and doe-see-doe.
Them banjo pickers talking 'bout strings
Banjo pegs and other such things.
Them banjo pickers, them poker faced mugs
They never do smile, they just play Scruggs.
You want to be a banjo picker you don't need a ticket
Just get yourself a banjo rare back and pick it...
How can you tell if there's a banjo player at the door? He can't find the key or he doesn't know when to come in.
What's the difference between a macaw and a banjo? One is loud, obnoxious and noisy, the other is a bird.
What do you call 25 banjo-players up to their necks in sand? Not enough sand.
What's the definition of a gentleman? Someone who can play the banjo but doesn't.
What's the difference between a hedgehog that's been run over and a banjo that's been run over? The hedgehog has skid marks in front of it.
What's the difference between a banjo player driving down the road and a frog driving down the road? There is a slight possibility that the frog might be going to a gig.
Do you know what they call a banjo player without a girlfriend? Homeless.
Do you know how to tell when a banjo player is playing out of key? His fingers are moving.
Walking in New Orleans the other day my daughter and I passed a cemetery - she says "Daddy, I didn't know they put two people in the same grave". I said honey they never do that. She said well look for yourself, on the tombstone it says - here lies a banjo player and a talented musician.
What do you call a guy who hangs out with a bunch of musicians? A banjo player.
How many banjo players does it take to screw in a light bulb? Just one - they put the bulb in the socket and then the whole world revolves around them.
How do you know if you're looking at a banjo player's family tree? It has only one branch.
How do you know the host of a party is a banjo player? If all the salad bowls say "Parkay" on the side.
How do you know you are at the home of a banjo player? If the car doesn't have wheels but the house does.
What is the difference between a banjo and an onion? Nobody cries when you chop up a banjo.
How do you tune 2 banjos? You shoot one of them.
What do you throw a drowning banjo player. - His banjo!
How many banjo players does it take to screw in a light bulb... answer: 3 - 1 to hold the bulb, 2 to turn the ladder!
What's the difference between a banjo and a keyring? Keyrings hold the key!
What's the difference between a professional banjo player (banjologist?) and a pizza? A pizza can feed a family of four!
What's the definition of an optimist? A banjo player with an answer phone.
A banjo player leaves his banjo on view in the back of his car. On his return he was unhappy to find his rear window smashed in and TWO MORE banjos in the back seat!
The banjo is a divine instrument. Man plays it but only God knows why!
Some people instantly dislike banjo players. It saves time.
The banjo is to music what spam is to food.
Gorillas cannot be taught to play the banjo. They're too sensitive.
How can you tell when a banjo player is on the level...when he drools out of both sides of his mouth at the same time!! :-)
Why are there no Banjos in Star Wars? Because it's set in the future!
What is the ideal weight of a banjo-player? 8 pounds, including the urn.
Doctor: "I'm sorry to tell you, but you only have one month left to live!"
Woman: "But doctor, isn't there anything at all I can do?"
Doctor: "You could marry a banjo-player!"
Woman: "Oh, will I live longer, then"
Doctor: "No, but it will feel much longer!"
A banjo player parks his car in a bad neighbourhood with his banjo in the back seat. As he leaves he notices a sign that says , " DO NOT LEAVE CAR UNATTENDED. He goes on and when he returns sure enough someone has broken into his car and put in five more banjos.
Recently linguists at a prestigious American University programmed a Cray Supercomputer to determine what one sentence in the English language is least likely to ever be uttered. The answer? "Is that the banjo player's Porsche?"
Q. How do you stop the BP playing? A. put a sheet of music in front of him.
A tenor BP is fed up with constantly having the Mickey taken and speaks to his friend who is also a musician (sorry, who is a musician). His pal says "save up your cash and trade in that piece of firewood against a nice mandolin, a nice pre-war Gibson would give you a ton of cred! The BP saves and saves and one day goes shopping with a wad of dosh. "I'm looking for a nice mandolin, a pre-war Gibson was what I had in mind", he says. The assistant says, "Are you by any chance a tenor BP?". "Why, yes! You obviously recognise me!", replies our hero. "No, sir, it's just that this is a shoe-shop."
Q. How long does it take to tune a banjo? A. Nobody knows.
What's the difference between a hedgehog and a banjo. If you saw a hedgehog in the road you'd probably swerve to miss it.
How do you make a banjo player's car more aerodynamic? Take the pizza delivery sign of the roof.
What's the most beautiful sound anyone ever got out of a banjo? Splash.
Why does it take three weeks for a banjo player to fill up a salt shaker? It's hard to put those tiny little beads in those tiny little holes.
What do they call a dead banjo player found in a closet? Last years hide and seek campion.
THE CANONICAL LIST OF BANJO JOKES
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wwjesuslaughat
What do you call a musician in Nashville without a wife or girlfriend?
Homeless!
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dmiller
(I told this the other night in the chat room)
A big burly man walks into a bar with an alligator.
He looks at the bartender, and demands "Do you serve banjo pickers here??!!
The bartender gulped, looked at the gator, and said "Yes SIR, we certainly do!"
"Good", said the man. "One beer for me, and one banjo picker for my gator."
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dmiller
Ron -- you got me LMAO!!!
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Sushi
What do you use to move a piano?
Root position 'chords'.
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mstar1
I went to a banjo contest once
-first prize was an ice pick and ten fiddle lessons
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coolchef1248 @adelphia.net
what can you hear if you vist Motzarts tomb?
you can hear him decomposing!
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Ron G.
Just a serious note here....as if anyone could be serious about banjers...
When a string band plays a gig, they play lotsa tunes in different keys (duh). When they have to change keys, the fiddle player, the guitar player, the mandolin player and the bass player just play their instrument in the neccessary key.
The auto harp player sometimes has to grab another harp in a different key while the poor hapless banjer picker has to retune his instrument. This requires a few minutes so the band has to "fill" stage time while the banjo guy retunes.
What could be more entertaining and apprpriate "fill" than a banjo joke...unless it's hawking tapes and CDs...or soliciting tips!!!!
This reply has been brought to you by
By invitation only, the International Plectrum Society hosts the upper echelon of pickin' aristocracy. Upon unanimous acceptance of the board of directors, you will learn the secret picker's handshake, known to members only, and have access to the full benefits of this exclusive society. Some new accessories and products are available for the initiate as well as established members: A copy of the Sacred Book of Earl, Picker Likker, our own vintage brew, Pickers Knickers, highest quality silk boxer shorts, elegantly embroidered with the IPS logo, and the Plectern Lectern, a handy pick holder for any gig or jam session. Don't be surprised someday if one of our members seeks you out to join the Plectral Family --- just like our motto,
IPS Plectern Lectern
This reply best viewed through a large cloud of cigar smoke after a couple of shots of Jim Beam.
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coolchef1248 @adelphia.net
why doesn't everyone
tune to the same key like the key of c?
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dmiller
Key of *C* sux. :) Gotta be either *A* or *D* for a fiddle picker. :D
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TED Ferrell
~Wedding Band Requests~
Dear Bandleader thank you for your letter. I really do think you have an
attitude problem and do want a few requests played if you don't mind. What
me and my wife were thinking was:
-Any Keith Jarrett composition from his solo series. Please arrange for
full ensemble and nothing in 4/4 please.
-Mahavishnu Orchestra, Dance of the Maya and please have the guitar player
play John Mcglaughlin's solo from the live performance Nov. 16, 1972 at
Chrysler Arena. My wife and I were at that show and particularly liked his
use of polyrhythmics. If you find it too difficult you can leave out the
feedback. Your choice.
-John Coltrane's duets with Pharaoh Sanders. I understand that their use of
atonality is not everyone's cup of tea, but my guests are usually fond of|
high register tenor saxes.
-We thought a little Stravinsky would be nice. We particularly like the
|Rite of Spring. If you want to use the sheet music it's OK. My husband
likes it about 1/4 note = 93 beats per minute.
-Then for the candle lighting ceremony, please learn Frank Zappa's "The
Great Wazoo". If you want to play it in the originally B flat, that would
be OK. And yes, cousin Jeannie does want to sing the baritone sax solo.
Please don't say no, it would hurt her feelings so.
-Finally we have built our own musical instruments (It's kind of a hobby
with us) and we would appreciate if you would use our instruments. None of
them are based upon a 12 tone scale or on common harmonics, but our 5 year
old son tells us it's not really that hard to transpose once you understand
the physics.
We would be happy to pay each member an extra $25 for any inconvenience.
Thank you and don't be late!
Mr. and Mrs. Snovly
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dmiller
Ted ---
:biglaugh: 
!!
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TED Ferrell
~BLUES RULES:~
1. Most blues begin "woke up this morning."
2. "I got a good woman" is a bad way to begin the blues, unless you stick something nasty in the next line.
I got a good woman,
with the meanest dog in town.
3. Blues are simple. After you have the first line right, repeat it. Then find something that rhymes. Sort of.
Got a good woman
with the meanest dog in town.
He got teeth like Margaret Thatcher
and he weighs 500 pounds.
4. The blues are not about limitless choice, convertible debentures, golden parachutes, BMWs, opera, or environmental impact statements.
5. Blues cars are Chevies and Cadillacs. Other acceptable blues transportation is Greyhound bus or a southbound train. Walkin' plays a major part in the blues lifestyle. So does fixin' to die.
6. Teenagers can't sing the blues. Adults sing the blues. Blues adulthood means old enough to get the electric chair if you shoot a man in Memphis.
7. You can have the blues in New York City, but not in Brooklyn or Queens. Hard times in Vermont or North Dakota are just a depression. Chicago, St. Louis, Austin and Kansas City are still the best places to have the blues.
8. The following colors do not belong in the blues:
a. violet
b. beige
c. mauve
d. taupe
9. You can't have the blues in an office or a shopping mall - the lighting is wrong.
10A. Good places for the Blues:
a. the highway
b. the jailhouse
c. an empty bed
10B. Bad places:
a. Ashrams
b. Gallery openings
c. Weekend in the Hamptons
d. Trump Plaza
11. No one will believe it's the blues if you wear a suit, unless you
happen to be an old black man.
Yes, if:
a. your first name is a southern state -- like Georgia
b. you're blind
c. you shot a man in Memphis (see exception below)
d. your woman can't be satisfied.
12B. No, if:
a. you were once blind but now can see.
b. you have a trust fund.
c. you hold elected office.
d. your woman CAN be satisfied.
13. Neither Julio Iglesias nor Barbara Streisand can sing the blues.
14A. If you ask for water and baby gives you gasoline, it's the blues.
Other blues beverages are:
a. cheap wine
b. Irish whiskey
c. muddy water
14B. Blues beverages are NOT:
a. Any mixed drink
b. Any wine Kosher for Passover
c. Yoo Hoo (all flavors)
15. If it occurs in a cheap motel or a shotgun shack, it's blues
death. Stabbed in the back by a jealous lover is a blues way to die.
Other blues ways to die include:
a. the electric chair
b. substance abuse
c. being denied treatment in an emergency room.
It is NOT a blues death if you die during a liposuction treatment.
16A. Some Blues names for Women
a. Sadie
b. Big Mama
c. Bessie
16B. Some Blues Names for Men
a. Joe
b. Willie
c. Little Willie
d. Lightning
Persons with names like Sierra or Sequoia will not be permitted to sing the blues no matter how many men they shoot in Memphis.
16C. Other Blues Names (Starter Kit)
a. Name of physical infirmity (Blind, Cripple, Asthmatic)
b. First name (see above) or name of fruit (Lemon, Lime, Kiwi)
c. Last name of President (Jefferson, Johnson, Fillmore, etc.)
For example, Blind Lemon Jefferson, Anorexic Willie, or Cripple Chirimoya. [Personally, I dig "Asthmatic Kiwi Fillmore" given the above choices...]
SONG WRITERS ADHERING TO THESE RULES WILL BE AUTHENTIC BLUES WRITERS !
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dmiller
From Ron Thomason and the Dry Branch Fire Squad:
I once got a book by Mel Bay, to learn how to pick the guitar.
Well my momma got hold of that book before I did, and she flat out refused to let me even take a look at it.
Many years later, I got a hold of that book (again), and I finally figured out why she didn't want me to read that thing.
Page one said -- GRASP YOUR PLECTRUM FIRMLY with your right hand.
Page two said --- STROKE FIRMLY UP AND DOWN.
Page three said - DO THIS AT VARYING SPEEDS, until you are comfortable doing it both slow and fast.
Guess my momma never did want me playing with my plectrum! :D
(Ron Thomason)
Dry Branch Fire Squad
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TED Ferrell
David
That's a good one hahahahahaha
:
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coolchef1248 @adelphia.net
david that was funny! :lol: on to a true story
when i was about 13 or so one day my dad interrupted me as i strumming my electric guitar.
he wanted to tell me about the birds and bees
he unpluged the guitar then pluged it back in
he said son that is how babies are made
god bless him :wub:
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J0nny Ling0
Now. I have an honest to God question here:
Why in the world are there so many jokes that degrade banjos and banjo pickers? I love the banjo! I used to have one and played it fairly well. And, I used to go to bluegrass festivals all of the time back in the early seventies back in Maryland, West Virginny, Pennsylvania and Virginny. And I have heard some of the greatest and met many of the greatest, including Earl Scruggs himself. Also, John McEuen, and whoever it was who picked banjo for the Seldom Scene. And me and my "stoner" buddies all loved the banjo even though we were Zepplin heads, Stones fans, and J. Geils Band fans (Full House Live Whammer Jammer can you dig me?!!!??!!) . And, I have a heavy metal "guitar shredder" for a son who also loves the banjo. And so, what's the deal with all of these degrading jokes about banjos? DMiller, you da man here on banjos, so, what gives? It's just that I have never run across any "Banjo Discrimination" until I ran into you DMiller. And now, it seems as if Ron G is up on it also. So, wassup my picker?
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TED Ferrell
David ;
So many pf the banjo jokes are from jazz musicians that have tunnel vision to them the banjo does not belong with their music so they put the banjp down.Guess they don't recall that early jazz bands alwaya had a tenor banjo player. Stll love that dixieland sound with a thumpin' tenor banjo
Once in Seattle I heard a jazz group that was playing all the old jazz standards and the instrumentation was
1.Stand Up Bass
2.Drums
3.Piano
4.Auto Harp that the player used a different tuning for and he doubled on a 12 string guitar
5 And a five string banjo player and man could that cat wail . Knocked me out
I will never forget the sound they had... it was something else.
Talk about good five string pickers my friend Randy Debruhl is one of the best and by the way he's still pickin' and grinnin'
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Sudo
I went through college on a band scholarship... played the French horn. That's why I thought these jokes were particularly funny... because there's an element of truth to them all. Uh, IMO that is.
How can you tell that there's a drummer at your front door?
The knocking gets faster and faster.
How can you tell that there's a vocalist at your front door?
She forgot the key and doesn't know when to come in.
How can you tell that there's an accordionist at your front door?
He doesn't stop knocking even after you answer.
How do you know when a trombone player is at your front door?
The doorbell drags.
How do you know when there's a banjo player at your door?
His hat says "Domino's".
P.S. Most of us "classically trained" types like to hold our noses up at folks like.... guitar players hence the following..
Q: How do you make a guitar player play quieter??
A: Put sheet music in front of him.?
Q: How do you make him stop??
A: Put notes on it.?
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TED Ferrell
Musical Terms Commonly Misunderstood by Country & Western Musicians with Their Translated "Country" Definitions
* 12 Tone Scale: The thing the State Police weigh your tractor trailor truck with.
* A 440: The highway that runs around Nashville.
* Aeolian Mode: How you like Mama's cherry pie.
* Altos: Not to be confused with "Tom's toes," "Bubba's toes" or "Dori-toes."
* Arpeggio: "Ain't he that storybook kid with the big nose that grows?"
* Bach Chorale: The place behind the barn where you keep the horses.
* Bass: The things you run around in Softball.
* Bassoon: Typical response when asked what you hope to catch and when.
* Big Band: When the bar pays enough to bring two banjo players.
* Bossa Nova: The car your foreman drives.
* Cadenza: The ugly thing your wife always vacuums dog hair off when company comes.
* Cello: The proper way to answer the phone.
* Clarinet: Name for your second daughter if you've already used Betty Jo.
* Clef: What you try to never fall off of.
* Bass Clef: Where you wind up if you do fall off.
* Conductor: The man who punches your ticket to Birmingham.
* Cut Time: Parole.
* Cymbal: What they use on deer-crossing signs so you know what to sight-in your pistol with.
* Diminished 5th: An empty bottle of Jack Daniels.
* 1st Inversion: Grandpa's battle group at Normandy.
* Major Scale: What you say after chasing wild game up a mountain; "Whew!" That was a major scale!"
* Melodic Min.: Loretta Lynn's singing dad.
* Minor 3rd: Your approximate age & grade at the completion of formal schooling.
* Order of Sharps: What a wimp gets at the bar.
* Passing Tone: Frequently heard near the baked beans at family barbecues.
* Perfect 5th: A full bottle of Jack Daniels.
* Perfect Pitch: The smooth coating on a freshly paved road.
* Pianissimo: "Refill this beer bottle."
* Portamento: A foreign country you've always wanted to see.
* 1/4 tone: What most standard pickups can haul.
* Relative Major: An uncle in the Marine Corps.
* Relative Minor: A girlfriend.
* Repeat: What you do until they just expel you.
* Ritard: There's one in every family.
* Sonata: What you get from a bad cold or hay fever.
* Staccato: How you did all your ceilings in your mobile home.
* Tempo: Good choice for a used car.
* Time Signature: What you need from your boss if your forget to clock in.
* Transpositions: Men who wear dresses.
* Treble: Women ain't nothin' but.
* Tuba: A compound word: "Hey, woman! Fetch me another tuba Bryll Cream!"
* Whole Note: What's due after failing to pay the mortgage for a year.
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TED Ferrell
Hymns for Everyday Life
The Dentist's Hymn - "Crown Him with Many Crowns"
The TV Weatherman's Hymn - "There Shall be Showers of Blessing"
The Contractor's Hymn - "The Church's one Foundation"
The Tailor's Hymn - "Holy, Holy, Holy"
The Golfer's Hymn - "There is a Green Hill Far Away"
The Politician's Hymn - "Standing on the Promises"
The Optometrist's Hymn - "Open Mine Eyes that I Might See"
The IRS Hymn - "All to Thee"
The Gossiper's Hymn - "Pass it On"
The Electrician's Hymn - "Send the Light"
The Shopper's Hymn - "Sweet by and by"
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dmiller
It's all in fun JL. :)
Banjo was my first bluegrass instrument, and in many ways it's still my favourite.
Banjo pickers are worse than anyone else when it comes to telling *banjokes*.
So it's not discrimination. Just poking some fun at myself. :)
~~~~~
Hey -- What key do you get, if you drop a piano down a mine shaft???
A flat minor.
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