I'm happily married, 36 years this March. Everyday is a gift of dedication and celebration to serve our Love. There's no accounting for the longevity of it other than we love each other and have wanted to build a life together and keep it together. I'm highly in favor of marriage, the ceremony and all of that, be it short and sweet with just two people or a whole gang of peeps in attendance.
I suppose it's "biblical" if that's a concern, but the committment is what's biblical, to me. Ceremonies come and go. Morning's keep coming and staying year after year. If two people want to see the next one together they have to work at it, do the work. With love, practice makes perfect.
Sounds like you're in love with your "sweetie". :) That's great. That's GREAT. Love is so good.
Glad that you are enjoying yourself....please say hi to your buddy
I personally don`t have much of a problem with it if there are no children involved.....
I have been married for almost 20 years .... I agree with George....I probably would never do it again.
The one thing about being married, I think that if you have made that commitment to be together....generally folks work a lot harder to make it work...ie a divorce is a hell of a lot more trouble than just splitting up.
But sometimes trying to stick it out because of the commitment of a marriage work is like your trying to make the wrong shoe fit that just simply wasn`t ever your size to begin with.
People tend to give you and your relationship more respect if you are married rather than if you are just shacking up...there are going to be people that are offended....if that bothers you or you want to participate in church etc....they tend to be prickly about things because you are viewed setting an example...
My Dad moved his sweety in after dating for three months...everybody was scandalized... but they married about a year later....and they are blissfully happy...
You know, your sweety has been married, been there done that.....if you move in with him....the odds are YOU will not be getting married....if you are tied up with him....you are not likely to find someone whom would marry you......Is that fair to you? Is it important?
Do you want a wedding day? A once in a life time celebration of having found your soul mate with your friends and family? Or do you want a roomate that is interchangeable when one of you gets bored or a little testy about the way the tooth paste is squeezed?
I guess in spite of what I said.....I am a traditional type of gal...I know that I view people who are married a little differently than people living together.....it appears to me as if you are saying yeah...I like you well enough to be friends...but I am not quite sure I`d want to be stuck with you for the rest of my life....lol
The relationships in my mind are different in my mind....where do you want to see yourself in 5 years?
Me personally, if I liked someone well enough to live with them 24/7 ..I would want to be sure enough about each other to make that commitment....and that takes time....LOTS of time to get to know them well enough to be sure....I think the temptation to move in sometimes rushes that process .... possibly involving several years before you realise that it was never going to develope into what you wanted to begin with.....jmho
Where as taking the time required and putting forth the effort required in the first place, to be perfectly sure that this is a good fit....though more painstaking ... is I think that it is well worth effort.
I guess that it would all boil down to do you want to be married? Or are you simply lonely and want company?
No right or wrong answere here....just how I define it in my mind.... and keep in mind this comes from someone who hasn`t been single in over 20 years so what the hell do I know about it?
You cannot judge marriage by mine either as it was one of those *any two believers can make it work* type of deals and by the time we left twi and realized just how incompatible we were lol....we had a family to raise....which has rewards of it`s own.
Again, no right or wrong answere...just what you personally want in life (((wwjla))) dear :)
I don't fit the happily living together or the happily divorced criteria but was happily married for 14 years after happily living together for two years before that.
Happily widowed? No, but I sure am thankful for the time I got with the one I loved and I am happy in my life.
My advise to anyone is that real love comes along so very rarely these days, don't pass it up because of societal, traditional or otherwise if it's something you want to do.
Do what makes both of you happy. Cliche' indeed, but true. Life is short.
Although I don't start many topics, many of the topics I have started have seemed to be in the "singles, dating, relationship" vein. Greasespot has been very helpful to me in helping me weed out what Waybrain I have along these lines. (I suppose you could check the archives under my name for a chuckle or two.)
Anyway, the subject of living together has come up recently with my sweetie and me. A little background here; we are both in our mid-40's, neither of us has kids, don't know how much that is still a possibility at this point so that doesn't drive the relationship, he is divorced, I've never been married.
I know a number of you are happily married now, some of you are happily living together, and some of you are happily divorced. No real question here, I just wanted to get some input on the options.
Thanks!
Well, I won't be preachy here...
Just curious, who raised the subject of living together (vice marriage) when it came up? You or he?
A generation or 2 ago it was difficult to shack up because an overwhelming percent of society saw it as "living in sin". This is not true today.
You didn't say how long you 2 have known each other, been dating, etc. I guess my question is...is living together the only way to determine if you guys are right for each other?
Sooooo good to see you and glad to hear that you are still happily seeing your sweetie. Give him a hug for me.
I will not get married again until I have lived with him for a while. Don't know how long "a while" is, but long enough to decide whether our individual idiosyncracies can co-exist.
Maybe I'm petty, but eight years of fighting over the temperature on the thermostat got real old real fast and having to load the dishwashwer a certain way, fold towels a certain way, vacuum a certain way and other nit-picky things became too many issues to make being at home comfortable. There were other problems, too, but I've also lived with people who have compatible habits or are willing to compromise and negotiate. These are things you don't really see or know about until you DO live with someone. Everyone can be on their best behavior for a few overnight stays. It's how someone lives when they AREN'T trying to impress that I want to know about.
For me it's a crucial "test" so to speak. I think it's getting to know someone better before making that lifetime commitment and, thankfully in this culture, it's no longer verboten. I would want to make sure that there's an understanding that this is considered a next step toward marriage, though. If it's not then why waste my time?
If you have any doubts or concerns about making that move, then don't. WWJLA, you have to feel 100% sure that it's the right thing for YOU, not for him, but for WWJLA. Take care of her first and foremost.
Among other things marriage is a contract. Living together should be too.
What do you plan to do about finances? Who will pay the rent - or will you share it 50/50. Who pays for groceries? utilities? car insurance? medical needs? Before anyone hires a moving van, maybe it would be good to work out these details. And don't say they don't matter! They will!!
What about your (and his) personal property. How will he feel if you tell him to get his feet off your coffee table? Personally I avoid the "shacking up" terminology and prefer living together. Will you be "playing house" or forming one household of 2 people. Will you really be getting a companion? or will it become football party every Monday night when he brings home 4 of his buddies without asking you....every Monday night.
Next time the topic comes up, look for some answers to some practical areas and listen carefully to what he says when he answers.
We have been dating for a year, although we went to high school together but never met there. Both our families live in the area so we've had plenty of opportunity to see the family dynamic and that certainly helps get an idea of someone's background.
Mark, we have discussed marriage and living together somewhat vaguely over the last few months, but recently he mentioned it as more of a distinct possibility. It wouldn't happen anytime real soon. He has some family obligations to take care of and I don't want to pull him away from them. I know how important it is to him to help take care of his parents, both of whom have health issues.
Personally, I could see living together for a little while in preparation to getting married. He is open to the idea as well, but being divorced, like several who post here, he is a little hesitant about getting married again. We get along very well, we love being together but recognize that each of us needs our own personal space and would be willing to accommodate the other in that respect.
I think Krisylis brings up great points. Think about what a day or a week would be like with them, and ask him to do the same. Then talk about it to see if you both have the same expectations. If not, then discuss the differences BEFORE you move in together or get married. This will get rid of most of the surprises. Expectations can be a snafu on a relationship when the other person doesn't know what your expectations are.
My best friend moved her boyfriend in. They didn't talk things over. The things that were issues before they lived together became larger issues. Now they are going to counseling. It's a real mess for them.
Just be sure you are both on the same page before you make any big jumps.
What's the deal, Zshot? Somebody cut you off in traffic today? Exchange your coffee with decaf? You're not normally this ornery.
There's nothing wrong with his original post. He's entitled to his opinion and to share how he feels about marriage and living together. He's not directly attacked anyone or mentioned any names either.... *shrug*
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socks
I'm happily married, 36 years this March. Everyday is a gift of dedication and celebration to serve our Love. There's no accounting for the longevity of it other than we love each other and have wanted to build a life together and keep it together. I'm highly in favor of marriage, the ceremony and all of that, be it short and sweet with just two people or a whole gang of peeps in attendance.
I suppose it's "biblical" if that's a concern, but the committment is what's biblical, to me. Ceremonies come and go. Morning's keep coming and staying year after year. If two people want to see the next one together they have to work at it, do the work. With love, practice makes perfect.
Sounds like you're in love with your "sweetie". :) That's great. That's GREAT. Love is so good.
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George Aar
Well... I'm never doing it again, that's fer sure.
I mean, the last time I stood in front of a judge and said "till death do us part" I meant it.
That was it, the one and only time I'm gonna tell that lie.
I may shack up with some broad for awhile now and then, but the whole scenario of love and ain't it grand and all of that, bah...
It's just not worth the investment. At least my returns were pretty mediocre. YMMV
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marypoppins
wwjesuslaughat
Well, you will get many answers, many say marriage is just a piece of paper, but i have been
married for 18 years, and believe me its not just a piece of paper.......................lol.
It has many ingrediants, COMMITMENT, LOVE, RESPECT, HONESTY, COMMUNICATION, and many more
For a great marriage you need to add all the ingrediants, like a cake leave some ingrediants out
and the cake will go flat, or taste funny, or even burn.
Our Friends lived together, they lacked many of the above after the years rolled by, and now
have broken up.... although married people can also go the same way.
I believe, its down to the individual, what do you purpose in your heart,
I believe in marriage, for many reasons, and when you find that perfect.......... SOUL mate,
its just as GOD intended.
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rascal
Hey wwjl...great to see you again!
Glad that you are enjoying yourself....please say hi to your buddy
I personally don`t have much of a problem with it if there are no children involved.....
I have been married for almost 20 years .... I agree with George....I probably would never do it again.
The one thing about being married, I think that if you have made that commitment to be together....generally folks work a lot harder to make it work...ie a divorce is a hell of a lot more trouble than just splitting up.
But sometimes trying to stick it out because of the commitment of a marriage work is like your trying to make the wrong shoe fit that just simply wasn`t ever your size to begin with.
People tend to give you and your relationship more respect if you are married rather than if you are just shacking up...there are going to be people that are offended....if that bothers you or you want to participate in church etc....they tend to be prickly about things because you are viewed setting an example...
My Dad moved his sweety in after dating for three months...everybody was scandalized... but they married about a year later....and they are blissfully happy...
You know, your sweety has been married, been there done that.....if you move in with him....the odds are YOU will not be getting married....if you are tied up with him....you are not likely to find someone whom would marry you......Is that fair to you? Is it important?
Do you want a wedding day? A once in a life time celebration of having found your soul mate with your friends and family? Or do you want a roomate that is interchangeable when one of you gets bored or a little testy about the way the tooth paste is squeezed?
I guess in spite of what I said.....I am a traditional type of gal...I know that I view people who are married a little differently than people living together.....it appears to me as if you are saying yeah...I like you well enough to be friends...but I am not quite sure I`d want to be stuck with you for the rest of my life....lol
The relationships in my mind are different in my mind....where do you want to see yourself in 5 years?
Me personally, if I liked someone well enough to live with them 24/7 ..I would want to be sure enough about each other to make that commitment....and that takes time....LOTS of time to get to know them well enough to be sure....I think the temptation to move in sometimes rushes that process .... possibly involving several years before you realise that it was never going to develope into what you wanted to begin with.....jmho
Where as taking the time required and putting forth the effort required in the first place, to be perfectly sure that this is a good fit....though more painstaking ... is I think that it is well worth effort.
I guess that it would all boil down to do you want to be married? Or are you simply lonely and want company?
No right or wrong answere here....just how I define it in my mind.... and keep in mind this comes from someone who hasn`t been single in over 20 years so what the hell do I know about it?
You cannot judge marriage by mine either as it was one of those *any two believers can make it work* type of deals and by the time we left twi and realized just how incompatible we were lol....we had a family to raise....which has rewards of it`s own.
Again, no right or wrong answere...just what you personally want in life (((wwjla))) dear :)
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Shellon
I don't fit the happily living together or the happily divorced criteria but was happily married for 14 years after happily living together for two years before that.
Happily widowed? No, but I sure am thankful for the time I got with the one I loved and I am happy in my life.
My advise to anyone is that real love comes along so very rarely these days, don't pass it up because of societal, traditional or otherwise if it's something you want to do.
Do what makes both of you happy. Cliche' indeed, but true. Life is short.
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markomalley
Well, I won't be preachy here...
Just curious, who raised the subject of living together (vice marriage) when it came up? You or he?
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johniam
A generation or 2 ago it was difficult to shack up because an overwhelming percent of society saw it as "living in sin". This is not true today.
You didn't say how long you 2 have known each other, been dating, etc. I guess my question is...is living together the only way to determine if you guys are right for each other?
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Belle
(((((WWJLA)))))
Sooooo good to see you and glad to hear that you are still happily seeing your sweetie.
Give him a hug for me. 
I will not get married again until I have lived with him for a while. Don't know how long "a while" is, but long enough to decide whether our individual idiosyncracies can co-exist.
Maybe I'm petty, but eight years of fighting over the temperature on the thermostat got real old real fast and having to load the dishwashwer a certain way, fold towels a certain way, vacuum a certain way and other nit-picky things became too many issues to make being at home comfortable. There were other problems, too, but I've also lived with people who have compatible habits or are willing to compromise and negotiate. These are things you don't really see or know about until you DO live with someone. Everyone can be on their best behavior for a few overnight stays. It's how someone lives when they AREN'T trying to impress that I want to know about.
For me it's a crucial "test" so to speak. I think it's getting to know someone better before making that lifetime commitment and, thankfully in this culture, it's no longer verboten. I would want to make sure that there's an understanding that this is considered a next step toward marriage, though. If it's not then why waste my time?
If you have any doubts or concerns about making that move, then don't. WWJLA, you have to feel 100% sure that it's the right thing for YOU, not for him, but for WWJLA. Take care of her first and foremost.
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krys
Among other things marriage is a contract. Living together should be too.
What do you plan to do about finances? Who will pay the rent - or will you share it 50/50. Who pays for groceries? utilities? car insurance? medical needs? Before anyone hires a moving van, maybe it would be good to work out these details. And don't say they don't matter! They will!!
What about your (and his) personal property. How will he feel if you tell him to get his feet off your coffee table? Personally I avoid the "shacking up" terminology and prefer living together. Will you be "playing house" or forming one household of 2 people. Will you really be getting a companion? or will it become football party every Monday night when he brings home 4 of his buddies without asking you....every Monday night.
Next time the topic comes up, look for some answers to some practical areas and listen carefully to what he says when he answers.
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bliss
uuuuuuuuuuummmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm
I don't think I would want them to have cake and eat it too!
my ignorant opinion
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wwjesuslaughat
Lots of interesting opinions.
We have been dating for a year, although we went to high school together but never met there. Both our families live in the area so we've had plenty of opportunity to see the family dynamic and that certainly helps get an idea of someone's background.
Mark, we have discussed marriage and living together somewhat vaguely over the last few months, but recently he mentioned it as more of a distinct possibility. It wouldn't happen anytime real soon. He has some family obligations to take care of and I don't want to pull him away from them. I know how important it is to him to help take care of his parents, both of whom have health issues.
Personally, I could see living together for a little while in preparation to getting married. He is open to the idea as well, but being divorced, like several who post here, he is a little hesitant about getting married again. We get along very well, we love being together but recognize that each of us needs our own personal space and would be willing to accommodate the other in that respect.
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Nottawayfer
I think Krisylis brings up great points. Think about what a day or a week would be like with them, and ask him to do the same. Then talk about it to see if you both have the same expectations. If not, then discuss the differences BEFORE you move in together or get married. This will get rid of most of the surprises. Expectations can be a snafu on a relationship when the other person doesn't know what your expectations are.
My best friend moved her boyfriend in. They didn't talk things over. The things that were issues before they lived together became larger issues. Now they are going to counseling. It's a real mess for them.
Just be sure you are both on the same page before you make any big jumps.
Best wishes.
Love,
Wayfer NOT!
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dmiller
All the good advice is already given. Good luck on whatever you choose to do.
David
(Psst -- ya could get a duplex and see how being close neighbors works!)
:D
:D
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nellie
I think the duplex idea is the best one!
If kids aren't in the equation, why fix it if it ain't broke?
enjoy
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Zshot
this whole exchange was deleted
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George Aar
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Oakspear
deleted because other deleted posts are quoted
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Zshot
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markomalley
self-delete
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Mod Kirk
thank you mark...you were seconds ahead of me
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Zshot
Moddishwasher,
Why hasn't George's original post deleted, a poster here?
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Belle
What's the deal, Zshot? Somebody cut you off in traffic today? Exchange your coffee with decaf? You're not normally this ornery.
There's nothing wrong with his original post. He's entitled to his opinion and to share how he feels about marriage and living together. He's not directly attacked anyone or mentioned any names either.... *shrug*
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socks
I don't have anything to delete but I wanted to delete something, so I'm deleting the next part.
reply to quote - deleted.
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wwjesuslaughat
Geez, didn't mean to start something! :( :unsure:
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