Ron G. Posted December 27, 2005 Share Posted December 27, 2005 (edited) New Rule: Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window unless you're a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was found in a bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What did you expect it to contain? Trout? Luckily, it was only a finger! If it was a whole hand, Congress would have voted to keep it alive. New Rule: Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot, blonde teachers are permanently damaged. I have a better description for these kids: lucky b******ds. New Rule: If you need to shave and you still collect baseball cards, you're gay. If you're a kid, the cards are keepsakes of your idols. If you're a grown man, they're pictures of men. New Rule: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care about your eyebrows: do you have two of them? Okay, we're done. New Rule: There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket, water, but without that watery taste. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. That's your flavored water. New Rule: Stop f***ing with old people. Target is introducing a redesigned pill bottle that's square, with a bigger label. And the top is now the bottom. And by the time grandpa figures out how to open it, his foot will be in the morgue. Congratulations, Target, you just solved the Social Security crisis. New Rule: The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the a**hole. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a "decaf grande half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low and one NutraSweet," ooh, you're a huge a**hole. New Rule: I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up from sliding my card, entering my PIN number, pressing "Enter," verifying the amount, deciding, no, I don't want cash back, and pressing "Enter" again, the kid who is supposed to be ringing me up is standing there eating my Almond Joy. Paper, plastic? I don't have time for that. I've just been called to do a cleanup on Aisle Nine! New Rule: Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make you spiritual. It's right above the crack of your foot. And it translates to "beef with broccoli." The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're not spiritual. You're just high. New Rule: Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the seven deadly sins. ESPN recently televised the US Open of Competitive Eating, because watching those athletes at the poker table was just too ****ed exciting. What's next, competitive farting? Oh wait. They're already doing that. It's called "The Howard Stern Show." New Rule: I don't need a bigger mega M&M. If I'm extra hungry for M&Ms, I'll go nuts and eat two. New Rule: If you're going to insist on making movies based on crappy, old television shows,then you have to give everyone in the Cineplex a remote so we can see what's playing on the other screens. Let's remember the reason something was a television show in the first place is the idea wasn't good enough to be a movie. New Rule: No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab. Picking up the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn't gift giving, it's the white people version of looting. New Rule: and this one is long overdue: No more bathroom attendants. After I zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a mint like I just had sex with George Michael. I can't even tell if he's supposed to be there, or just some freak with a fetish. I don't want to be on your web cam, dude. I just want to wash my hands. New Rule: When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to know in months. "27 Months." "He's two," will do just fine. He's not a cheese. And I didn't care in the first place. Edited December 27, 2005 by Ron G. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hope R. Posted December 27, 2005 Share Posted December 27, 2005 I love Bill Mahar Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
excathedra Posted December 27, 2005 Share Posted December 27, 2005 (edited) oh thought you were talking about new rules here how just plain silly of me Edited December 27, 2005 by excathedra Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
coolchef1248 @adelphia.net Posted December 28, 2005 Share Posted December 28, 2005 ron wine on my screen too funny! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
oilfieldmedic Posted December 28, 2005 Share Posted December 28, 2005 Too funny Ron..LOL...Thanks Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Belle Posted December 28, 2005 Share Posted December 28, 2005 Coffee spew! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tFloat Posted December 29, 2005 Share Posted December 29, 2005 Just wasted a mouthfull of Stout on the screen These are classic harvey Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dmiller Posted December 30, 2005 Share Posted December 30, 2005 :biglaugh: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
moony3424 Posted December 30, 2005 Share Posted December 30, 2005 New Rule: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care about your eyebrows: do you have two of them? Okay, we're done. Do you know how much money we spend and pain we contend with to wax those puppies? <_< Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Shellon Posted December 30, 2005 Share Posted December 30, 2005 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Raf Posted December 30, 2005 Share Posted December 30, 2005 This is now making the rounds at work. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
GarthP2000 Posted December 31, 2005 Share Posted December 31, 2005 Moony, But do you use Puppy Wax to wax them with? :o Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
moony3424 Posted January 1, 2006 Share Posted January 1, 2006 What ever my hairdresser has. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Digitalis Posted January 1, 2006 Share Posted January 1, 2006 Brilliant :wub: Digi Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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Hope R.
I love Bill Mahar
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excathedra
oh thought you were talking about new rules here
how just plain silly
of me
Edited by excathedraLink to comment
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coolchef1248 @adelphia.net
ron
wine on my screen
too funny!
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oilfieldmedic
Too funny Ron..LOL...Thanks
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Belle
Coffee spew!
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tFloat
Just wasted a mouthfull of Stout on the screen
These are classic
harvey
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dmiller
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moony3424
Do you know how much money we spend and pain we contend with to wax those puppies? <_<
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Shellon
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Raf
This is now making the rounds at work.
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GarthP2000
Moony,
But do you use Puppy Wax to wax them with? :o
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moony3424
What ever my hairdresser has.
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Digitalis
Brilliant
:wub:
Digi
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