here's one of my fantasies

[excathedra]

god had someone witness to me so i wouldn't end up a heroin addict lying on the street in newark or somewhere and then i never would have had my son and i wouldn't be here talking to you

so he loved me enough so i could be abused by veepee and add that on top of my list of childhood crap

oddly enough, as they say, my eight siblings never joined the way and they are still alive and well and raising happy healthy children

duh

(i'd like to add an "s" on that word "other" in my title, but i don't know how to)

Edited December 20, 2005 by excathedra

[topoftheworld]

I know how you feel, Ex. My fantasies keep me up most nights now. ;)

I've had a case of the sorries lately, feeling cheated on several levels. I was cheated out of a family since I had the great fortune of being born into an abusive situation. My mother, who apparently was mental, decided that I, of the three brats born to her, was the one to be her punching bag both mentally and physically. I had to run away at sixteen or be dead the following morning.

Found myself on the street, but managed to stabilize enough to get a job and finish high school (in between the two times I considered suicide as the best alternative).

Being mentally stable (HA), I was ripe to be witnessed to. After three months of hesitation, I took the class, and then began ten long years of wonderful times interrupted times of hell.

It ended with (what a surprise) finding myself back into an abusive situation again. I didn't go looking for it, but I sure recognized it when it happened, and I ran.

So, here I am, at the ripe old age of 50, screwed out of an earthly family (nor with any real concept of what that means), feeling screwed out of a Godly family, with no desire to find another one, and wondering what the hell I did to deserve feeling like this, unloved and unwanted on both ends.

The only thing I have is a collection of notes I keep from people thanking me for things I've done for them over the years. For a while there, I kept enough heart intact to be able to reach out to people occasionally, but more than often I tend to snatch my hand back before anybody else can bit it off.

[excathedra]

((((((((((( topoftheworld ))))))))))

i wonder all the time too. i remember this green card back about 30 years - promised i would get my answers

maybe the abused and screwed will inherit the earth whatever that means

[tomtuttle1]

Many of us can only imagine what you two have been through, how it has affected you even unto today, how you think, how & who you trust, how you love, how you function in every aspect of life, etc, etc, etc.

I WISH (good english word) there were something I could give you, some experiences I could give you, to offset the experiences you had. But there isn't. What did you do to deserve any of that?? Nothing. What in hades could ANY pure hearted child do to deserve just a sampling of what you went through?? I have no answer. Why would God allow anything like what you received?? Why does God allow child abusers to even breathe?? Lots of things keeds... I got a PROBLEN with these things. Maybe indeed, farther along, we'll know all about it... But there is no human who can explain WHY these things happened to you.

There ARE good people who love you and to whom your lives have great value. There are people who NEED you, who you have helped and will continue to help. Maybe there will be special rewards for what you have endured. There are some who would take your pain, if possible, and give you your rest and joy in life. I hope (another good english word) knowing this helps you to go on living the next day.

[TheHighWay]

Well said, Tomtuttle!!

May I second that: You guys didn't do ANYTHING to deserve what happened to you. You were innocent. You were taken advantage of...

Just know you are loved and cared-about by those of us who hang out at the 'spot.

[rascal]

Questions questions....sigh

I don`t understand it either.... I only know that your lives have had meaning and impact to me.....not that I expect that means much in light of what you have endured.

I too had a difficult childhood, (nothing compared to yours...but heart breakingly difficult and cruel)....as did my husband.....I too understand the agonizing querstions of *why me?* Why wasn`t I entitled to a normal family growing up? Why wasn`t I entitled to the love, support, and protection that most kiddoes recieve as a matter of course......Why when I was the most vulnerable....seeking love, peace, a feeling of being important, a sense of belonging and family..... was I sucked in to twi?

I figure the first half of my life was difficult .... I can let that suck me under or I can grow stronger.....I have half of my life left to live.....I try to live each day in a manner making up for the first half.....you know....enough has been wasted....I intend to try to enjoy every remaining miniute that I have left....try to make a difference in other peoples lives if I can.....I guess that is why I am so indulgent of my passions now.....

Enough has been taken from/ denied us.....we are all older, wiser, stronger, we have the rest of our lives to be successfull and happy....no that doesn`t answere the questions.....

Oh and for you guys that figure that you have missed out on having a family or marriage....Let me tell you....my Dad lost his second wife after 25 yrs.... 3 months later he met the love of his life who had been divorced from an abusive man years earlier....they both thought their life was finished, assumed that they were done.....game over

Let me tell you they are both the happiest they have EVER been....life truly began for my father at 70! He has done more living loving and playing in the past 4 years than his entire life prviously....they are both blissfully happy, all the more so because it was unexpected.

What I am trying to say is that in spite of our difficulties....don`t dismiss the chance that there will eventually be a *happily ever after* for each and every one of us, to be savored all the more because it has been so long in coming.