Child Molestation Case

[J0nny Ling0]

I have found a wonderful friend who I knew and had a crush on back in 5th Grade. She never became my girlfriend as we went into HS ( I was "bad" and she was a good student/nice girl), and after that, we drifted apart and went our various ways. As you, or many of you know, I became a Way guy, went through all that was available, and now am a married guy with four kids, out of The Way, and doing my best to live life, help others, utilize the good that I learned in The Way, and disposing of the bad.

And now, I hook up via the internet, with my old friend from 5th grade. She was married for 19 years, but during that marriage, her husband only worked for six of those years, preferring to look to the government for subsidy through various social programs, grants, and perpetual schooling that never got him anywhere. Somewhere early on, they had a baby, who at the age of six months was diagnosed with seizure disorders. The seizures became noticed as she breast fed her sweet little baby girl. What a terrible thing to have happen to one's sweet little baby, and what a tender time to discover it. The baby of course was tested, and diagnosed and given various medications over the years, which have had a deliterious effect on her, and now at the age of fifteen, is mildly mentally challenged. Somewhere during those years, my friend, tired of being broke, and understandably angry with her deadbeat husband, went through nursing school, became a nurse, and began to associate with other far more upwardly mobile people than her husband. And, as happens with human beings under pressure, and also subject to like passions as we all are at times, had an affair with a doctor. But the doctor was married, did not want to divorce his wife, so my friend (we'll call her Terry), graciously bowed out, doing her best not to do anything that would harm the Dr's marriage.

But once she had had one affair, and with her husband still just sitting around, she took another lover. This time it was a single guy who was an Operating Room Technician (OR Tech), and they fell in love. He was funny, a hard worker, and she thought, a great guy. And so, she divorced her husband, married the OR Tech, and bought a house together to start their new lives with her mentally challenged daughter as "their daughter". At this time the daughter whom we will call "Allison", was fourteen years old.

Life went on, they prospered, and at one point, eight months into the marriage, my friend Terry walked in on her husband in the very act of masturbating on her scared and naked daughter in their own bedroom. The husband freaked, covered himself with a blanket, and repeated over and over that he was "scared". Oh I'll bet he was! My friend, in total shock, sweetly said to her daughter, come on Ally, it's okay, come with Mommy, it's all right. And my friend got her the hell out of there pronto. She called the cops, took her daughter in for a physical examination for the sake of her daughter's health and of course as well as for evidence, which of course was abundant. Turns out it had gone on for at least six months.

And so, this was discovered about six months ago, the divorce is slowly plodding along, and it seems like the criminal trial of this heinous sub human is of course dragging along as well. My friend and her daughter are in counseling, they seem to be doing well, but at times the daughter of course has nightmares and her Mom comes to comfort her, as well as listen to her daughters crying and re-telling of the events in the dreams, as well as the divulging of new information as to "what he did to her", which ranged from intercourse to various oral acts in every room of their Home, all of it a heinous violation of this sweet young Child oF God.

My friend writes all of these slow but forthcoming bits of new information down in a notebook for the DA as evidence, which she has been counseled to do.

And so, there is the case. Now, I mentioned that I could use some help here. Some suggestions. Now, I am still a Christian believer, and I still seek Biblical answers to life's problems, as well as Biblical solutions for those with whom I come in contact and who ask for help. I have become my old friend's best confidant over this, and I have comforted her with God's love and various things from God's Word concerning forgiveness and remission of sins through JC our Lord. She knows full well, that she is the one who brought this monster into her home, and that her act of adultery has ended up having a terrible repercussion on her daughter. This is a conclusion that she came to by the way, long before we "caught up" with each other via e-mail. Rest assured, I am not "banging her over the head with the Bible". I have been extremely careful to let her know that I do not judge her in any way.

Now, as a believer, and one familiar with God's forgiveness, and the wonderful benefits of accepting the forgiveness that we have through Christ, I truly want her to see this and accept it too. I am also familiar with the wonderful benefits of forgetting the past, and moving forward. Maybe the word "forgetting" is out of order her, for how can one forget such things done to one's daughter and the unwitting part she played in it? One doesn't, does one. And so, let's choose the term "leaving the past behind". I do believe that this is a tremendous and wonderful thing that we as believers have been granted to do by our Heavely Father, and have even been told to do so.

But, I also know, that one must simply have to be real and practicle thing about a vicitm remembering and bringing these acts to the surface to "get them out" so to speak. Particularly for the daughter, the primary victim. My friend Terry is a victim also. At any rate, I have not in any way told her; "Oh just forget about it and it will all smooth over in time". I listen to her (yes we talk on the phone now on Saturdays), and many times she cries, and at other times she writes in e-mails the latest thing Ally divulges, and how it hurts her angers her, and causes her to plot murder in her heart. I tell her that it doesn't sound like murder, only justice. She gets her anger out, and, I listen...

I guess I am wondering and asking for advice from those of you who are familiar with situations like this, and have maybe even been through situations like this. Question: Does a time ever come when a person can finally just shelve it to be able to move on and be productive and not bogged down by the memories of such an experience? I want to help my friend, and I thought maybe some of you may be able to shed some Biblical light on such a seemingly complicated situation. I am humbled that my new old friend trusts me so. Thank God I can pray for Ally and my friend and let her know that God loves her and forgives her and that He is the healer of broken hearts....

Thanks!

Edited November 14, 2005 by Jonny Lingo

[Jim]

Question: Does a time ever come when a person can finally just shelve it to be able to move on and be productive and not bogged down by the memories of such an experience.

All I can add is that there are people who *appear* to have suffered much less and never get over it. OTOH, others have suffered terribly and live, at least outwardly, happy and productive lives. I wish you wisdom and at least some manner of success dealing with this horrible situation.

I don't have any reading recommendations for helping the victim. If you're interested in understanding the perpetrator, I recommend "People of the Lie" by M. Scott Peck.

[rascal]

It takes as long as it takes....it cannot be rushed...it will probably never be shelved....things are never simply *ok* again...that is why this sort of thing is so heinous.

What will happen with the help of a good psychiatrist is that one will learn to deal with the consequences and pain so that you can move on.

The best thing a friend can do is listen and support. That is what you are qualified for.... you cannot fix a wound this deep....that is for a professional to help a person find the strength within themselves to address.

For a person to *shelve* something like this onl means that it will only fester and grow...eventually to surface in a much more damaging dangerous way years dowbn the road.

Her attornies and psychiatrists will help her deal with this....what she needs from her friends is support and love...and yes that includes listening to the unpleasant details, the endless self condemnation and the out pouring of pain and betrayal...and though not easy....that is the role of a friend.

[Allan]

Hi Johnny..give her the Word.If you truly believe it works, delivers, heals, sets free..give her the Word, give her Jesus.

Gods' Word truly fills the void, pushes out the garbage for those who accept it.

God is a God who is drawn to emptiness.

Selina and I have dealt quite a bit with single parents and troubled youth since leaving twi.

What I said above works better than any pscyciatrist could ever dream of IF you help them through the eyes of Jesus the way I know you can, bless you bro.

[Galen]

May God bless you and her and her daughter

[Digitalis]

Johny,

All of us should be so lucky to have a friend like you. One who is truly willing to listen without condemnation. One who is trying to understand. Someone to hold your hand along your dark and dreary path to help bring you back to the light. Gods word does wonders via our savior Jesus Christ.

I often find that Iam giving people the word without quoting scripture. Just by the simplicity in words spoken and how we live our everyday life. That will shine through in you for your friend, for some reason I am sure of that. I never say I am sure of anything anymore, so I am surprising myself here.

There will be professionals to help Terry and Ally come to terms with this. It may happen sooner than later, then again it may take a life time. Only God truly knows. You are already doing all you can do.

We are from the same state and I don't know you, but your heart comes through in this post and I am happy to share Alaska with you.

The only advice I would give in this situation is, God Bless, keep on being her friend, she might find she wants a woman to talk to ......... some things are hard for women to talk to men about then on the other hand some times, some women, find it easier to talk to a man. Be wary of being her savior in her eyes, sounds like she has had it kind of rough with men and will easily cling to a man, but of course still remain her friend because she definately needs a good one right now.

Digi

[J0nny Ling0]

Ya know, it's kinda wild. Back when I was an eighteen year old WOW, or a 22 year old BC, or a 28 year old "rev", I had all the answers and would have jumped in with both feet with the Word of God or at least what I was positive was the Word of God at that time, and would have begun ministering to the person with no concerns whatsoever as to whether I was walking with God or not. For back then, there was "no question" that I was. But now, it seems as if my confidence in all of that is shaken some what, and I want to be very very careful so as to make sure that I am actually helping and not hurting or mis-leading. I do know that just simply being a listening post is very very good for her though (thanks Rascal), and I am at least that. Happily, the verses of Scripture that I have sent her have been, according to her, very much of a blessing. but each time I've sent her a bit of God's Word with some explanation, I pray that it will be a blessing, and await almost stressfully for her response, hoping that it wasn't "too much" or whatever. I even asked her outright if it was too much "preachin", but her response last time was that "I love it when you preach!"

And, she is very well aware of my marriage, has talked wih my wife, and e-mailed back and forth with her as well. And so, I pray that it will continue to be a good thing. I thank you all for your input, each one of you. If I ever do anything good for God again, I hope that it will be to lead this hurting old friend of mine into the abundance of God's powerful deliverance, love, and Life through Jesus Christ. God bless,

JL

[coolchef1248 @adelphia.net]

johnnylingo

i would love to have a friend like you! i am praying for that situation it doesn't sound pleasant

please continue to be there for your friend

[templelady]

Question: Does a time ever come when a person can finally just shelve it to be able to move on and be productive and not bogged down by the memories of such an experience?

Getting on with life and not being "bogged down" will come with time -if by getting on with life you mean-holding a job, having outside interests, hobbies, friends, laughing, having fun.

But don't expect all of that to happen as long as new revelations are coming to light and she is in the middle of the trial etc. This kind of situation is all encompassing while it is happening. If she manages to keep working , care for her daughter, and still have contact with close friends--she is succeeding very well at this point in her life.

As for the memories--they will always be there. As years go on they will be set to the side--but be aware that they can be triggered at any time, a news report, a movie, a casual comment can bring them back with a vengeance and they have to be worked through. Working through should take less time as the years go by.

Also understand that as long as her daughter is a minor -setting aside is very difficult, the fact that her daughter is handicapped makes it more difficult. Part of the working through of the memories comes as the child/children come of age and they vocalize their feelings both about him and you. A very painful process and time consuming but beneficial to all parties in the long run. Given her daughters disability, that may take a long time to happen, coupled with the guilt your friend must feel because her child was even more defenseless than normal, this will be a long haul.

She is indeed lucky to have a friend like you.

[rascal]

I agree, this woman is very lucky to have you for a friend. Sometimes being a friend in this type of situation is really tough....

In years to come this woman no doubt will see the hand of God in the comfort and support that she recieved from friends like you.

[A la prochaine]

Jonny,

Praying for you. You are a great man to lend such a loving hand to your friend. Your desire to help in such a time of need should be commended.

Don't doubt yourself. You will have the words to comfort your friend. They will be there when you need them and they will be the right ones. That's what makes you you.

Templelady...

Wonderful post.

[Belle]

Johnny,

I'm so sorry! I've never been involved with anything remotely similar to this so I have no words of wisdom to share. I know that this woman is already blessed tremendously by you and your wife's love, support and prayers. I'll pray for the strength that you need to help her and know that you two will continue to have the right words for her.

Mo, excellent post.....as usual. :)

[likeaneagle]

Johnny-

This is to weird..I had a nighmare last and when I say I never have dreams,I truly mean, I do not dream..never..anyway, I dreamt my daughter and I were walking thru some halls for what seemed to be a long time....it seemed like for ever..and I noticed a coffee area so we stopped to grab coffee and I was in such a rush to get to the exit, I continued walking and realized my daughter was not behind me. I felt panic..I ran back to the closet type of coffee area and opened the door and strange man was holding her at her shoulder's and he stuck a long medal rod thru her cheek.....I woke up horrified...my heart was beating so hard and I was sobbing so hard...but my mind couldnt let go of the shock.........this was only a dream...It took me at least a half hour to get back to sleep.......this was a dream..

my heart sobs for her, your friend..she is living in a bad dream that is real..the anger and torment..to see this happen to her child. I know she will only find comfort in knowing the truth...a little at a time...I would not expect to much from her know. Be at her level and continue to Minister all that God gives you..Lean not unto thine own understanding,acknowledge him and what..he will guide you and his will will be done...He want nothing else but for her to be restored. She truly needs to be free of this..and that is the end result..Its not to big for our God..Johnny, you have a sure heart that can do this.

Johnny, may I suggest you go for help, to a friend that can be there for you. I would choose someone very strong....

Praying for you peace so that you may have.

I hope I did not say to much here.

Edited November 16, 2005 by likeaeagle

[J0nny Ling0]

Geez, thanks guys/gals, Digi, Mo, CF, Rascal, Ala P, Belle, and L.A. Eagle, and anyone I missed....

Yeah, it really is deep. She told me that she was going to go out with some friends this last Saturday night for barbecue and drinks, and that it was going to be the first time "out on the town" since all of this. I wished her well, and told her that "it's really okay to allow yourself to feel okay, okay?" And wished he a fine evening. But, when I called on Sunday to see how things went, she said that she became a "weeping mess" after a few drinks, And that people from other tables came by to comfort her along with the friends that had her come along with them. They were all couples with functional families and kids and all of that, and she got to seeing and hearing the contrasts, which got to her in the way of guilt. Dammit I hate guilt!

And so, yes, I think it will take time, and that it is still probably the roughest time of the whole deal as things continue to come to light, other than that first initial shock of discovery...

Thanks all, really. And, a good friend I may try to be, I only pray that I can be what God has said about me, you, all of us.

Oh man oh man I can't wait for the Day when all of the evil will be locked away forever and all the tears will be wiped away...

[J0nny Ling0]

Like an Eagle. Thanks bro. And, I have my wife to go to on this, and it is very good, for she is a tough one and a good woman....

And, I have something for you since you like eagles. Check out this link. It is a link to the "Chilkat Valley News" a newspaper of the small town of Haines, Alaska, where we own a home and lived for eight years. Right now the "Bald Eagle Festival" has been going on, and, you may be interested to read of it in our small newspaper. There is a pic of an older eagle fighting with a younger eagle over a salmon. Enjoy!

http://www.chilkatvalleynews.com/

Edited November 16, 2005 by Jonny Lingo

[likeaneagle]

amen, I am a woman.:) I am free:)

Edited November 16, 2005 by likeaeagle

[J0nny Ling0]

Oh &$*#. Sorry sis.... :-)

[likeaneagle]

ya gotta laugh..

[J0nny Ling0]

Like an Eagle, make sure you go to that site! It's you! You go girl!!

[dmiller]

johnnylingo

i would love to have a friend like you! i am praying for that situation it doesn't sound pleasant

please continue to be there for your friend

I agree with the Chef.

Praying here too. It's all I can do since I've not dealt with things like this either and have no advice to give, although everything already said here makes a ton of sense.

One thing I might add though. If she became a "weeping mess" after a coupla drinks, tell her to stay away from the alcohol. She doesn't need any depressants added to what she already has on her plate, but your advice of "it's really okay to allow yourself to feel okay, okay?" is great advice.

Praying for her, and you. And thank you for being there for her so faithfully.

David

Edited November 16, 2005 by dmiller

[excathedra]

hi jonny

a lot of times friends don't encourage "sharing" because they don't know how to deal with it. it's not that they are disgusted - they just don't know what to do with such information - they become uncomfortable. sometimes then the hurt/abused person feels shame (again), rejected, etc.

it's really good you are a the kind of person/friend you are

i might tell that dear mom and darling daughter to keep seeing the shrink but change if they feel they are not getting the help they need

and please give them a big hug and kiss and prayer from me (a stranger who cares)

ps. her leaving the husband and hooking up with the dirtbag, to me, have nothing to do with each other

i'm thinking a zillion thoughts so sorry if my post doesn't make complete sense

maybe i'll post more later

they are in my heart and prayers

Edited November 16, 2005 by excathedra

[J0nny Ling0]

Thanks David, ExCath.

[shazdancer]

Johnny, I hope she doesn't blame herself for letting him into their lives. These guys are masters at deceit. If you doubt that, remember how many of us were fooled by VP.

Why did he choose her? Probably because she was a good person, a person who would not immediately suspect his little quirks to be red flags for a problem. A giving person, who would work extra hard to keep things running smoothly, allowing the abuser more free rein to develop his evil intent.

I hope you let her be as ANGRY as can be at that evil man. She should be able to go on someday, but she will have to get through this tragedy at her own pace. Therapy with someone with experience in these matters helps. Having someone like you to hear her out helps -- after awhile, we just don't want to talk about our problems that much anymore!

And yes, I also recommend "The People of the Lie."

Regards,

Shaz

[excathedra]

i agree dearest (((((shaz))))) i think blaming herself will be the hardest thing to overcome. that's where she REALLY REALLY needs to see the light. poor thing

[J0nny Ling0]

Thanks Shaz. I do think I'll read that book btw. And yes, she does blame herself for bringing that guy into their home as her husband and the daughter's new step father. Early on I told her "it was not your fault, for how could you ever have known what an evil man he was?" She responded that she appreciated my support, but the fact is, if I hadn't cheated on my husband with this guy, which I knew was wrong, then I wouldn't have brought him into our lives. But I did, and so that part of it is my fault, and it is something I will have to live with, and I won't be in denial over it. I played an unwitting part. That was a paraphrase of course, but the sum and substance of what she said...

I told her that from that point of view, I couldn't really disagree. But I also told her that had she known, obviously she'd never have done it, to which she whole heartedly agreed, naturally. And so, like we all know, this thing'll take time. And by the way, here is what she told me in an e-mail today, which I copied and will paste here. She refers to one of my boys in her comment who had his bike stolen, and yet yesterday, his prayer was answered, and he caught the little thief on his bike, and the bike is back, and the kid busted. I had told her of this yesterday as an anecdote. And this morning I sent her a response this morning's e-mail from her where she expressed rage over this whole thing. One of the verses I sent her was "Vengeance is mine, I will repay saith the Lord!" Anyway, Terry says this:

"I love the words of encouragement. Thank you. I do want God to love me. I think it's true he does, just don't keep that thought at the times I need it most. It may take some time, like Riley's bike, but I'll see it. Better go for now. Thanks again mi amigo!"

And so, another day down and she is home with Ally this evening watching "Madagascar" and eating chicken and rice!

Thanks all, and God bless you...

JL