Texas Rules

[jetc57]

Rules to Enter Texas:

Applies to each person as they enter Texas.

Learn & remember: East Coast and California-types pay particular attention!

1. Pull your droopy pants up.

You look like an idiot.

2. Let's get this straight; it's called a "gravel road."

I drive a pickup truck because I want to.

No matter how slow you drive, you're going to get dust on your Lexus. Drive it or get out of the way.

3. They are cattle & oil wells.

That's what they smell like to you.

They smell like money to us.

Get over it.

Don't like it?

I-20 and I-10 go east and west, I-35 goes north.

Pick one.

4. So you have a $60,000 car.

We're impressed.

We have $250,000 cotton strippers that are driven only 3 weeks a year.

5. So every person in every pickup waves.

It's called being friendly.

Try to understand the concept.

6. If that cell phone rings while a bunch of doves are coming in, we WILL shoot it out of your hand.

You better hope you don't have it up to your ear at the time.

7. Yeah, we eat catfish & crawfish.

You really want sushi & caviar?

It's available at the corner bait shop.

8. The "Opener" refers to the first day of deer season.

It's a religious holiday held the closest Saturday to the first of November.

9. We open doors for women.

That is applied to all women, regardless of age.

10. No, there's no "vegetarian special" on the menu.

Order steak. Or you can order the Chef's Salad and pick off the 2 pounds of ham & turkey.

11. When we fill out a table, there are three main dishes: meats, vegetables, and breads. We use three spices: salt, pepper, and Picante Sauce.

Oh, yeah.... We don't care what you folks in Cincinnati call that stuff you eat... It AINT REAL CHILI!!

Chili was born and bred in San Antonio.... and real chili never met a tomato!

12. You bring "coke" into my house, it better be brown, wet, and served over ice. You bring "Mary Jane" into my house, she better be cute, know how to shoot, drive a truck, and have long hair.

13. College and High School Football is as important here as the Lakers and the Knicks, and a dang site more fun to watch.

14. Yeah, we have golf courses.

But don't hit the water hazards - it spooks the fish.

15. Colleges? Try Texas, Texas A&M or Texas Tech.

They come outta there with an education plus a love for God and country, and they still wave at passing pickups when they come for the holidays.

16. We have more folks in the Army, Navy, Air Force, and Marines, than any other state, so "Don't Mess with Texas" If you do, it will get you whipped by the best.

17. Always remember what our great governor Sam Houston once said:

"Texas can make it without the United States,

but the United States can't make it without Texas."

[dmiller]

Definitions from another state:

Q: What do you call the sweat between two West Virginians making sweet, passionate love?

A: Relative Humidity.

:D

[OnionEater]

TEXAS - The SECOND largest State.

[ex70sHouston]

Ok hear are a few more notes for you furiners(yawl that arnt from TEJAS).

Beans do not belong in chili.

Tea comes in a glass with ice. Sweet tea is not from here. We ad our own sweetner.

The lease means where we hunt.

THose small bodies of water you see in a pasture are "tanks". If you call them a pond we know you dont belong.

High school football rulls. I have season tickets. It takes years of waiting before you get the good seats. As a side note we made the playoffs the 10th year in a row.

$60,000 for a car is nothing. A crew cab one ton dually 4X4 with a deisel can easily run that. Mainly off the road.

If you dont have a deer rifle, shotgun, and a pistol you dont understand

[OnionEater]

Know why Texas women have big boobs and tight ....$

Texas men have big mouths and little dicks

If it weren't for Oklahoma cowboys and Mexican hoes

there wouldn't be any Texans :blink:

[jetc57]

Know why Texas women have big boobs and tight ....$

Texas men have big mouths and little dicks

If it weren't for Oklahoma cowboys and Mexican hoes

there wouldn't be any Texans :blink:

Sounds like SOMEONE is just JEALOUS about us Texans?

That comment you made about Texas men just goes to show YOU'VE NEVER SEEN a Texas Man before!

Oooo someone has a few issues?

[LG]

As a side note we made the playoffs the 10th year in a row.

That's good! We're at 15 in a row.

[dmiller]

Sam and Bessie:

(An elderly couple, Sam and Bessie, are from Austin, Texas.)

Sam always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots. Seeing some on sale one day, he buys them, and is walking proudly all the way home.He walks into the house and says to his wife, "Notice anything different about me?"

Bessie looks him over, "Nope."

Frustrated Sam storms off into the bathroom, undresses, and walks back into the room completely naked except for the boots. Again he asks, a little louder this time, "Notice anything different now?"

Bessie looks up and says, "Sam, what's so different? It's hanging down today it was hanging down yesterday and it'll be hanging down again tomorrow."

Furious, Sam yells, "And do you know why it's hanging down, Bessie? It's hanging down because it's looking and admiring my new cowboy boots!"

To which Bessie replies, ever so slowly, "Shoulda bought a hat, Sam. Ya shoulda bought a hat."

:o :o

Edited November 14, 2005 by dmiller

[Ron G.]

A pompous minister was seated next to a TEXAN on a flight to Dallas.

After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken. The TEXAN asked for a whiskey and soda, which was brought and placed before him.

The flight attendant then asked the minister if he would like a drink.

He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by brazen whores than let liquor touch my lips."

The TEXAN looked at the minister, then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "I didn't know we had a choice."

[Mark Sanguinetti]

Ron, I would have said that I liked your joke, but do not want to reveal anything negative about my character. However, I have flown to Dallas and with as much sincerity as I can muster did I miss anything?