I've seen this phase a lot, both in my own oldest two children, who are both adults now, and in the many students I have seen over the years.
It seems that they get into a pushing away of their parents, starting around age 16 and lasting into the college years, as they come home for short durations and learn to relate to their parents in a new way. And the parents learn to relate to their kids as autonomous adults.
In a slightly milder version of puberty, they know they're going to be grown-ups soon, so they seem to accomplish the transition to adulthood by pushing for more freedom. But they don't want you pushing on them! So don't rearrange the child's room just yet.
Away in college, or away on their own, they often start to miss their family back home, and in short visits or breaks can begin to reconcile their childhoods with their new-found adulthood.
It kinda felt to me like I just got to where I liked my daughters again after the middle school years, and then they got all rammy all over again! But they have grown up to become incredible young women (one married, one in grad school) who have both made a point of sharing with me how much they care. In spite of some really sucky times in childhood, they have turned out amazingly well.
Hang in there, the best part is just around the corner! Meantime, I'd suggest helping her understand that the boundaries are going to shift slightly. She will be an adult, she will have more freedom to make her own decisions. But likewise, she has to respect your lifestyle in your own home.
Is she moving out? Give her suggestions, tell her how the practical world works in terms of landlords and utilities and transportation. Take her shopping for what she might need, but let her make the choices.
Is she staying home for awhile? Formulate a plan with her for becoming financially independent. The trick is not to let her just mooch off you indefinitely while she tries to figure herself out. Perhaps after a set time, she should begin to contribute to household expenses. (If you don't need the income, you could quietly put it away for a future nestegg for her.)
The point is that adulthood brings freedom, but it also brings responsibility. As she takes on both, she will come to know that you raised her well!
I know it's another transition time in our lives and I try to not take her attitudes personally. I keep reminding her that her decisions are now considered adult decisions with adult consequences. She may decide to do something that will change the course of her life, alter her future, make big changes, etc. and there will be some things that her father and I can't fix for her.
I remember at this age that I was never home but was glad home was there because it was a "soft place to land".
I did take her for a skills assessment at the community college. She went reluctently but came away with a better idea of what types of careers she would like to look into.
What we can't understand is how she approaches us. Instead of coming to us and saying she would like to discuss changing her curfew she storms in, says she wants to be emancipated because living here sucks. Then after about 30 minutes of questions with snarls as responses I get a glimpse of what she's thinking.
I do keep in mind that the way we handle her now is developing our relationship for the future. As much as I want to kick her out the door sometimes I don't want to drive her away or cause such a gap between us that she won't feel comfortable coming home if she needs to.
LOL! MTGal, my rebellion started at 13 and I vividly remember my mother yelling that the house was not big enough for the both of us. Since she was sleeping with the guy who paid the bills (Daddy) I quickly changed my attitude, but not before several, "you made your mother cry and should go apologize to her" conversations with Daddy.
At 17, my senior year in college, I got in trouble for something and told Daddy I was too old to get a spanking. He proved me wrong on that one, too! :o--> I really don't know how they put up with me. I'll ask 'em.
I do remember that I was always encouraged to have my friends over to our house and my parents were considered pretty cool by my friends. They always showed an interest in my friends and what they were up to and good at encouraging them in their endeavors as well.
I came up very upset one day and was crying and my mom sat down with me and cried too. She said that when I hurt - she hurt. I think that was a major turning point for us in our relationship. She also bailed me out of a few bad situations (not really, really bad, but I had made some stupid decisions or didn't do something I should have). She did it gladly and willingly and never rubbed it in my face because she knew that I knew I was wrong and could see that she was really going out of her way for me.
I doubt that helps you, but those are the things I think about when I read posts by parents like you because I know you care and want to be the best parents you can be. I know now that my parents wanted the same things. Maybe just knowing that I was once in your kids' shoes (and probably worse :D--> ) and that I came out okay and have very fond memories and great appreciation now for my parents helps a little bit.
When she was born she was in ICU for the first 7 days of her life. We didn't get to hold her until she was 3 days old. I often wonder if we just didn't bond because of that.
Please don't lose any sleep over that one. We held ours 10 minutes after she was born and took her home the next day. We still go through the same issues you do.
My daughter is about 3 months short of 19. She moved out (with our blessings) last summer and moved back in 6 months later, declaring that living with us was like living at a spa compared to her roommates. She comes and goes as she pleases, with the only constraints being that she doesn't disturb us being able to get enough sleep and that she maintains a positive attitude.
As to the other stuff, Belle and Shaz said it way better than me.
BTW Belle, how did you pull off being 17 and in your senior year in college?
I think the relationship should and does shift or change as they get older.
son and I adore one another, we say I love you and make a huge fuss if one is down the other is tripping... but he is grown now over 21 and as much as we both would like we can NOT live together..( to much the same I think) .
my other child a little younger really do not do so well I drive her nuts we have short and few conversations that usualy end with one of us thinking the other is mean.
yet we live together, peacefully.
my oldest seems to me, just wants to prove she is better and smarter and more able to be sane than I ever could... I feel no competitition and she may win in her contest! I am very proud of her and she has never made a mistake and reminds me of it often yet our relationship is difficult and emotional .
our children turn into real live people.
go figure.
parenting ends or it should if you ever did anything right by teaching them to be responsible adults.
the first blow of this reality hits hard! for everyone i think then it becomes just like any other relationship. just what you can do with it!
teens and young adult do not need "parenting" or discipline should really be waning by that point, if they have not learned your standards by now it may never happen . and that is ok .
they often need money and support for the choices they will make now. whether YOu think they will work out or not it is their life.
it is a tough transition for some families after years of "being their everything". well your not and never will be again and that is how it is suppose to be.
do I know families where the kids never grow up and conflict abounds and needs never get met and the parents are exhuasted and bitching?
yes and I find them incredibly exhuasting in never seeing the light of what life is in a family.
When they first start leaving I think many parents freak a little not knowing how to live without their constant presence and life in theirs.
by the time the last one is going I was like come one alreeady I have plans to use you room for something!
honestly.
if you love them they know it. isnt that all one can really do to fix or help another at any age?
My son ran away a whole two block for about two years we didnt speak, I knew he was ok and he kept in touch with the rest of the family... I cried some he grew out of it and now is better off for it he says and me too I learned family is stronger than what any individual may decide stupidly or not to do ,it is maintaining your own happiness in life and always making the space to love one another no matter what.
I have a relative that has one child she gave ever thing to that kid , attention attention hop and how far and every living minute of her life for twenty years! never said no always tried to understand he came first.
he is one miseravle sob adult cant keep a job, in fact she is leaving the state to get the hell away from his constant harrasment, I feel sorry for the kid he has gone from being the everything to not being good enough and being replaced by a new boy friend.
I tell my kids um no got other plans cant do it . as much as I need to. always have they have learned how to manage their life from realizing it isnt all about them.
teens and young adult only see themselves and their perspective. somone needs to show them we all live together in this world and to get along. why not a loving parent? I think many times a parents is afraid of the threats! lololol I know they come up with some dozies!
haha trust me if you have loved them they know it and some one had better teach them how the world works before they find out the hard way.
which we all did and still do it is called life. but your lessons are not neccesarily their lessons remember that.
What we can't understand is how she approaches us. Instead of coming to us and saying she would like to discuss changing her curfew she storms in, says she wants to be emancipated because living here sucks. Then after about 30 minutes of questions with snarls as responses I get a glimpse of what she's thinking.
Lol, yeah, that sounds familiar! But it sounds like you're doing all the right things, preparing her to be a grownup but without slamming the door behind her. I love the idea of the assessment test, what a great way to get her thinking about her future. Hang in there, she will turn into a person soon!
When my children reached teen years I longed for that wonderful sweet child I had once enjoyed -- but then realized I would never want them to leave home if they stayed so sweet and obedient.
Must be the way God planned it so we could let them leave home:)-->
(I wonder if baby birds get a 'stink' about them so the momma bird kicks them out of the nest?)
But they will always be yours, and the Good Lord takes care of them always -- He watches the sparrow when he/she gets kicked out of the nest, and also our most precious ones as well.
My 18 year old is heading off to university in a few weeks. It is difficult as she prepares to leave and begin life on her own. But looking back when I was her age, the world beckoned. I was glad to get out of the nest and move on, and she is the same way.
From about the timne she was 15 I really had little say in her life. She knew what she wanted in life and was going for it. She has always been responsible so I let her have the reigns. I was there for guidance when she needed it but she had her friends and preferred hanging out with them. I had to accept this and was quite difficult. My job as parent is over except for doling out money for school.
my kid is not responsible, so he doesnt hold the reigns if you will.
I set very strong boundaries, and they make him very angry, maybe someday he will understand why.
maybe not but at some point I decided it was only my life I have control of, my decisions my choices and I cant force another to make good ones for theirs..
so when they end up in another mess , hello . I will help ya out if and when I can without hurting my own life.
I know I am not the only parent who struggles with wanting them to be the nice child I raised but in reality he is a grown up making poor choices and struggling with the consequences .
I think if I allow it to not be so ,(fix things tidy up pay the bill if you will) the reality of what really happens, he will continue to blame me for his issues in life. tome it causes a sick kind of co0dependency.
I do not know if Im right or wrong a bigger part of me wants to cater to him and try to help him "get it" but like the above poster said parenting ends and real life enters if a parent allows it.
I appreciate the input and comments. It's just what I needed, a conversation with others who have gone through it or are going through it.
I've come to realize that my duties as a parent are changing when it comes to her. I am now more of a mentor that reminds her that there are house rules that apply to everyone that lives here.
I reminded her the other day that she is close enough to the legal age for being considered an adult and that her decisions will be meet with adult consequences. In other words, if you are willing to break the law you must be willing to pay the price if caught.
Last night my daugher helped her aunt and uncle at a big dinner party at their house. Her cousin was there to help also but didn't do anything. My daughter took the lead, walking around serving appetizers, getting drink (non-alcohol) refills for people. She helped put out the food buffet then went around delivering coffee and collecting dishes. She even stayed late and helped clean the kitchen. She was very interested in a suggestion I made that she contact the steel drum band that was there and see if she could help work parties they play at (if they aren't already catered). Today she said she'd call a friend who's dad owns a restaurant and see if he would train her to waitress. We had a long discussion about not giving up and doing different things to get experience and something on a resume.
My husband and I decided several months ago to not hand her money for anything. She's old enough to get a job (she could work for her dad) and if she doesn't like the clothes or hygiene products we buy then she can buy her own. I do give her money for gas to get to her cross country practices but $5 a week doesn't get her very far. She came up with a solution. She charges her friends to give them rides any where. She puts half in the tank and keeps half. Gotta give her kudos for that idea.
She wanted a new cell phone so I made a list of chores she could do around the house to earn the money. She also has chores she does to pay for her car insurance. It's teaching her to be responsible and that she has to work for what she wants. I finally told her that I don't like reminding her to take care of her responsibilities because I feel like I'm nagging and I don't want that kind of relationship with her. If she would just step up and get the job done there wouldn't be this tension between us. Something clicked for her and now she makes sure all her chores are done before she heads out the door. I make sure I thank her for being so responsible.
She did come to me last week and asked for money to go out for breakfast with her friends. I told her that is what her allowance is for. She said she could either pay her cell phone bill with that money or go out to eat. I just looked at her and told her it was her decision. She knows the consequence of her not paying her bill is she has to hand over her phone until it's paid. She stayed home and had a bowl of cereal.
I did come to the realization that I don't want to force her hand when she challenges me. I want us to have a good relationship so when she does move out she does it because she is ready and willing to do so.
My wife is the best parent I know. Most of the stuff I'm about to say I learned from her. Between us we have 5 teen agers (second marriage for each of us). We took one to college yesterday, we're taking another to college Wednesday. Both are Freshman. Two other kids are high school seniors and we have on who'll be in 9th grade.
The goal of parenting is to teach your kids how to make a successful life around something they are passionate about, and to keep them alive long enough to do it. But the passion and the definition of success are theirs - not yours. You may not even like what they're passionate about. Hopefully you will like the kind of people they become, but that's not a given, nor is it necessary for successful parenting.
It's a paradox that accepting this makes it much more likely you will enjoy them.
Someone who is 17 and 9 months (which was what this thread was started about) will not be significanly different as a person when they become 18 though they will be legally able to do some things they can't do now.
If they still need a curfew at this point I'd ask is it for you or for them? If they don't get enough sleep it should be THEIR life that suffers for it. You as a parent might need to point out the connection, but if they don't want to get enough rest, there's not much you can do about it.
Sometimes the curfew is for you. You just sleep better knowing your kid is home by a certain time. That's your perogative but I'd suggest being honest about it. Say something like, when you get your own place, you can set your own schedule, but while you're here, I'm going to insist on your cerfew being xxx because I get nervous if you're out later, and I need to get some sleep.
The same idea carries through a lot of parenting. There are times that an 18 year old doesn't make decisions with the wisdom of a 40 or 50 year old. But the key is will the consequences be severe enough for you to jump in? Sure there are sometimes they will. But for a normal kid at that age, most of the consequences will be better for them to experience than for you to jump in and protect them from. While they experience them, you can be there to help them learn how to do it better next time, but be sure they feel the need for it to be "better" otherwise you'll just shut them off.
MTGal - sounds like you have a pretty good kid. When she "challenges you" or needs to be reminded about her "responsabilities" then perhaps the connection between what you're requiring and why you think it will help are not clear.
If what you're requiring will help her become a more successful adult, she should be able to understand the reasoning by this point. That's not the same as agreeing with you - but it makes it much less volitile when you have to "pull rank" if you can explain it, acknowlege their right to have a different opinion and say I'm making this call because I'm the parent. And when you take that approach, and you have a good kid, by this age you don't have to do that too often.
If what you're requiring won't help her become a more successful adult, I'd stop requiring it.
My oldest daughter, Samantha, is 23 years old now and an amazing woman. You might see her around greasespot once in awhile. -->
But she was not always amazing and wonderful. YIKES
When they are teenagers/young adults it's their jobs to drive us wild.
It's a real pain in the heart.
I pulled my hair out until she finished high school and about 6 months later it came down to her or me. In our family, it was nasty cocktail of grief, anger and normal mom/teenager action.
She left, my insistance.
Even her dads death didn't take me out like having to make her leave.
Now however, she's one of, if not my very best friend.
My advise to any parent(s) is communicate with the buggers. If we can somehow keep talking to them, no matter how many times they say they don't want to talk to us.
They really do, just on their terms. Wait until s/he is ready and then take what you get.
And how wonderful now to see Samantha be a mama herself!
It's not about revenge,it's not about payback. It's about her now enjoying motherhood and getting to understand the wonderment, the heart stuff, the sheer JOY of it. To share that with her is amazing.
My3Cents, I agree about the curfew. I've told here thather curfew is for me -- I don't sleep if I don't know that she is safe. I have 2 younger children, one is 14, the other is 9. The 14 year old can function well with me taking naps if I need to but the 9 year old can't, he is autistic.
We also live in an area where young girls are abducted, raped and killed far to frequently. If she checks in with me on a regular basis, I don't mind her staying out late. It's those days when she doesn't check in because she "doesn't want to disturb me". This tells me she is up to something she knows she shouldn't be doing.
When I tell her "a red flag" is popping up, she doesn't argue with me any more. She's wandered into too many situations that proved my warning sign is not to be argued with. I hope she gets those warnings signs too.
I know she will eventually move out. I hope it is on good terms when she does, but not good enough terms that she ends up living back at home every 6 months.
Shellon, I agree about keeping them talking. Sometimes that is the only reason I call her on her cell phone. Just to chat about her day, what her plans are, who she is with and eventually, when will she be home to take care of her responsiblities? The times she challenges me is when she is with certain people, like the friend that was arrested for DUI (at 17) and their parents are still "discussing" the consequences 3 weeks later.
I know we have our tiffs but I always remind her that I am willing to talk to her as an adult as long as she doesn't get an attitude or try to manipulate the conversation to point fingers at others. Her favorite position is to try to accuse me of ignoring the same actions in her siblings. This is the tactic when I ask her when she plans to do her chores. Everyone in our house has chores, it's just part of being in the family. I remind her that she hasn't been around enough during the day to know what their consequences have been.
I know she is trying to find where she fits in. She has things she is interested in and when she decides to be committed to them she needs very little advice or encouragement.
She wants to move out the day she turns 18. I hope she doesn't so she can finish high school without having to worry about work and studying. Right now I'm not to worried that she will do that since she doesn't have a job. I know she's thinking about it because she's told her sister to give her dishes for Christmas and towels for her birthday.
I also know most of her talk is her being prideful and boasting that it is something she will be able to do and her parents can't stop her.It's also her way of processing and thinking about the situation and how she is going to handle it. I'm glad she is thinking it through, it shows me she is maturing and will be ready to be on her own. She mentioned last week that she wants to take a class the high school offers to help them learn how to prepare to live on their own. I told her it was a good idea, especially if it included how to look for a place to live, plan and keep a budget and work with landlords so she doesn't get ripped off.
I guess the reason I started this thread was to get feedback. I don't want to control her with rules but at the same time I want her to respect that there are rules while she lives in this house (without saying "because I said so" or "because I'm your mother").
I'm just processing through this transitional stage of our relationship. Thanks everyone for your input.
He watches the sparrow when he/she gets kicked out of the nest
That is so sweet!
Dear Shellers,
quote:
If we can somehow keep talking to them, no matter how many times they say they don't want to talk to us. They really do, just on their terms.
And if we're ready when they're ready -- we are ready to be an older mentor instead of the Bearer of The Truth -- our children WILL come back, and we will have a friend for life. Sounds like you do!
Dear Stayed,
You said...
quote:
My job as parent is over except for doling out money for school.
I assume you were being facetious, but I have to disagree with you a little. Yes, dole out the money, but I think our job as parents changes at this point.
I think what our children come to need from us the most is our respect for their life choices. They may go about finding success in a different way than we would (thanks for that, 3Cents). But as long as their brains are not impaired due to substance abuse, a bad relationship, or cult involvement ;)--> , They will naturally crave our approval.
Heck, how many of us sought approval from our parents when we became adults? How many of us still seek it? How many of us feel a void in part of our lives because we never got it?
When our children became toddlers, we stopped treating them as babies. By the time they were old enough to drive, we stopped tying their shoes for them! Now they need us to stop making them feel like they are twelve all over again, and begin to accept them as adults.
In the end, I think you will see in them a LOT of what you taught. I see a quirky sense of humor, compassion, and a hard work ethic in both my daughters. I am very proud of how they turned out. And I tell them so.
(And 3Cents, yeah, they do things differently than I would have at their age. Sometimes, they do it better!)
My job as parent is over except for doling out money for school.
I assume you were being facetious, but I have to disagree with you a little. Yes, dole out the money, but I think our job as parents changes at this point.
That is how I describe being a 'pit stop'. Not talked to much, stick around long enough to wash her clothes, and head out again. varoooom, varooooom varooooom.....gone!
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shazdancer
Dear MTGal,
I've seen this phase a lot, both in my own oldest two children, who are both adults now, and in the many students I have seen over the years.
It seems that they get into a pushing away of their parents, starting around age 16 and lasting into the college years, as they come home for short durations and learn to relate to their parents in a new way. And the parents learn to relate to their kids as autonomous adults.
In a slightly milder version of puberty, they know they're going to be grown-ups soon, so they seem to accomplish the transition to adulthood by pushing for more freedom. But they don't want you pushing on them! So don't rearrange the child's room just yet.
Away in college, or away on their own, they often start to miss their family back home, and in short visits or breaks can begin to reconcile their childhoods with their new-found adulthood.
It kinda felt to me like I just got to where I liked my daughters again after the middle school years, and then they got all rammy all over again! But they have grown up to become incredible young women (one married, one in grad school) who have both made a point of sharing with me how much they care. In spite of some really sucky times in childhood, they have turned out amazingly well.
Hang in there, the best part is just around the corner! Meantime, I'd suggest helping her understand that the boundaries are going to shift slightly. She will be an adult, she will have more freedom to make her own decisions. But likewise, she has to respect your lifestyle in your own home.
Is she moving out? Give her suggestions, tell her how the practical world works in terms of landlords and utilities and transportation. Take her shopping for what she might need, but let her make the choices.
Is she staying home for awhile? Formulate a plan with her for becoming financially independent. The trick is not to let her just mooch off you indefinitely while she tries to figure herself out. Perhaps after a set time, she should begin to contribute to household expenses. (If you don't need the income, you could quietly put it away for a future nestegg for her.)
The point is that adulthood brings freedom, but it also brings responsibility. As she takes on both, she will come to know that you raised her well!
Regards,
Shaz
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MTgal
Thanks Shaz
I know it's another transition time in our lives and I try to not take her attitudes personally. I keep reminding her that her decisions are now considered adult decisions with adult consequences. She may decide to do something that will change the course of her life, alter her future, make big changes, etc. and there will be some things that her father and I can't fix for her.
I remember at this age that I was never home but was glad home was there because it was a "soft place to land".
I did take her for a skills assessment at the community college. She went reluctently but came away with a better idea of what types of careers she would like to look into.
What we can't understand is how she approaches us. Instead of coming to us and saying she would like to discuss changing her curfew she storms in, says she wants to be emancipated because living here sucks. Then after about 30 minutes of questions with snarls as responses I get a glimpse of what she's thinking.
I do keep in mind that the way we handle her now is developing our relationship for the future. As much as I want to kick her out the door sometimes I don't want to drive her away or cause such a gap between us that she won't feel comfortable coming home if she needs to.
Thanks for the support.
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Belle
LOL! MTGal, my rebellion started at 13 and I vividly remember my mother yelling that the house was not big enough for the both of us. Since she was sleeping with the guy who paid the bills (Daddy) I quickly changed my attitude, but not before several, "you made your mother cry and should go apologize to her" conversations with Daddy.
At 17, my senior year in college, I got in trouble for something and told Daddy I was too old to get a spanking. He proved me wrong on that one, too!
:o--> I really don't know how they put up with me. I'll ask 'em.
I do remember that I was always encouraged to have my friends over to our house and my parents were considered pretty cool by my friends. They always showed an interest in my friends and what they were up to and good at encouraging them in their endeavors as well.
I came up very upset one day and was crying and my mom sat down with me and cried too. She said that when I hurt - she hurt. I think that was a major turning point for us in our relationship. She also bailed me out of a few bad situations (not really, really bad, but I had made some stupid decisions or didn't do something I should have). She did it gladly and willingly and never rubbed it in my face because she knew that I knew I was wrong and could see that she was really going out of her way for me.
I doubt that helps you, but those are the things I think about when I read posts by parents like you because I know you care and want to be the best parents you can be. I know now that my parents wanted the same things. Maybe just knowing that I was once in your kids' shoes (and probably worse
:D--> ) and that I came out okay and have very fond memories and great appreciation now for my parents helps a little bit.
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Jim
Please don't lose any sleep over that one. We held ours 10 minutes after she was born and took her home the next day. We still go through the same issues you do.
My daughter is about 3 months short of 19. She moved out (with our blessings) last summer and moved back in 6 months later, declaring that living with us was like living at a spa compared to her roommates. She comes and goes as she pleases, with the only constraints being that she doesn't disturb us being able to get enough sleep and that she maintains a positive attitude.
As to the other stuff, Belle and Shaz said it way better than me.
BTW Belle, how did you pull off being 17 and in your senior year in college?
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GeorgeStGeorge
That's what I want to know! I was 19 the beginning of my senior year in college, and I thought THAT was cool. But 17?
George
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Belle
College? Did I say college? I meant High School. Sorry.
:o-->
I started school early and was the youngest in my class every year. I was smart, but not THAT smart!
;)-->
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herbiejuan
Kids do some really dumb things, some dumber than others most kids survive being stupid, look at us
;)-->
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mj412
I think the relationship should and does shift or change as they get older.
son and I adore one another, we say I love you and make a huge fuss if one is down the other is tripping... but he is grown now over 21 and as much as we both would like we can NOT live together..( to much the same I think) .
my other child a little younger really do not do so well I drive her nuts we have short and few conversations that usualy end with one of us thinking the other is mean.
yet we live together, peacefully.
my oldest seems to me, just wants to prove she is better and smarter and more able to be sane than I ever could... I feel no competitition and she may win in her contest! I am very proud of her and she has never made a mistake and reminds me of it often yet our relationship is difficult and emotional .
our children turn into real live people.
go figure.
parenting ends or it should if you ever did anything right by teaching them to be responsible adults.
the first blow of this reality hits hard! for everyone i think then it becomes just like any other relationship. just what you can do with it!
teens and young adult do not need "parenting" or discipline should really be waning by that point, if they have not learned your standards by now it may never happen . and that is ok .
they often need money and support for the choices they will make now. whether YOu think they will work out or not it is their life.
it is a tough transition for some families after years of "being their everything". well your not and never will be again and that is how it is suppose to be.
do I know families where the kids never grow up and conflict abounds and needs never get met and the parents are exhuasted and bitching?
yes and I find them incredibly exhuasting in never seeing the light of what life is in a family.
When they first start leaving I think many parents freak a little not knowing how to live without their constant presence and life in theirs.
by the time the last one is going I was like come one alreeady I have plans to use you room for something!
honestly.
if you love them they know it. isnt that all one can really do to fix or help another at any age?
My son ran away a whole two block for about two years we didnt speak, I knew he was ok and he kept in touch with the rest of the family... I cried some he grew out of it and now is better off for it he says and me too I learned family is stronger than what any individual may decide stupidly or not to do ,it is maintaining your own happiness in life and always making the space to love one another no matter what.
I have a relative that has one child she gave ever thing to that kid , attention attention hop and how far and every living minute of her life for twenty years! never said no always tried to understand he came first.
he is one miseravle sob adult cant keep a job, in fact she is leaving the state to get the hell away from his constant harrasment, I feel sorry for the kid he has gone from being the everything to not being good enough and being replaced by a new boy friend.
I tell my kids um no got other plans cant do it . as much as I need to. always have they have learned how to manage their life from realizing it isnt all about them.
teens and young adult only see themselves and their perspective. somone needs to show them we all live together in this world and to get along. why not a loving parent? I think many times a parents is afraid of the threats! lololol I know they come up with some dozies!
haha trust me if you have loved them they know it and some one had better teach them how the world works before they find out the hard way.
which we all did and still do it is called life. but your lessons are not neccesarily their lessons remember that.
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shazdancer
Regards,
Shaz
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Kit Sober
When my children reached teen years I longed for that wonderful sweet child I had once enjoyed -- but then realized I would never want them to leave home if they stayed so sweet and obedient.
Must be the way God planned it so we could let them leave home
:)-->
(I wonder if baby birds get a 'stink' about them so the momma bird kicks them out of the nest?)
But they will always be yours, and the Good Lord takes care of them always -- He watches the sparrow when he/she gets kicked out of the nest, and also our most precious ones as well.
Praying for peace,
Kit
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Stayed Too Long
My 18 year old is heading off to university in a few weeks. It is difficult as she prepares to leave and begin life on her own. But looking back when I was her age, the world beckoned. I was glad to get out of the nest and move on, and she is the same way.
From about the timne she was 15 I really had little say in her life. She knew what she wanted in life and was going for it. She has always been responsible so I let her have the reigns. I was there for guidance when she needed it but she had her friends and preferred hanging out with them. I had to accept this and was quite difficult. My job as parent is over except for doling out money for school.
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mj412
my kid is not responsible, so he doesnt hold the reigns if you will.
I set very strong boundaries, and they make him very angry, maybe someday he will understand why.
maybe not but at some point I decided it was only my life I have control of, my decisions my choices and I cant force another to make good ones for theirs..
so when they end up in another mess , hello . I will help ya out if and when I can without hurting my own life.
I know I am not the only parent who struggles with wanting them to be the nice child I raised but in reality he is a grown up making poor choices and struggling with the consequences .
I think if I allow it to not be so ,(fix things tidy up pay the bill if you will) the reality of what really happens, he will continue to blame me for his issues in life. tome it causes a sick kind of co0dependency.
I do not know if Im right or wrong a bigger part of me wants to cater to him and try to help him "get it" but like the above poster said parenting ends and real life enters if a parent allows it.
tough job either way.
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MTgal
I appreciate the input and comments. It's just what I needed, a conversation with others who have gone through it or are going through it.
I've come to realize that my duties as a parent are changing when it comes to her. I am now more of a mentor that reminds her that there are house rules that apply to everyone that lives here.
I reminded her the other day that she is close enough to the legal age for being considered an adult and that her decisions will be meet with adult consequences. In other words, if you are willing to break the law you must be willing to pay the price if caught.
Last night my daugher helped her aunt and uncle at a big dinner party at their house. Her cousin was there to help also but didn't do anything. My daughter took the lead, walking around serving appetizers, getting drink (non-alcohol) refills for people. She helped put out the food buffet then went around delivering coffee and collecting dishes. She even stayed late and helped clean the kitchen. She was very interested in a suggestion I made that she contact the steel drum band that was there and see if she could help work parties they play at (if they aren't already catered). Today she said she'd call a friend who's dad owns a restaurant and see if he would train her to waitress. We had a long discussion about not giving up and doing different things to get experience and something on a resume.
My husband and I decided several months ago to not hand her money for anything. She's old enough to get a job (she could work for her dad) and if she doesn't like the clothes or hygiene products we buy then she can buy her own. I do give her money for gas to get to her cross country practices but $5 a week doesn't get her very far. She came up with a solution. She charges her friends to give them rides any where. She puts half in the tank and keeps half. Gotta give her kudos for that idea.
She wanted a new cell phone so I made a list of chores she could do around the house to earn the money. She also has chores she does to pay for her car insurance. It's teaching her to be responsible and that she has to work for what she wants. I finally told her that I don't like reminding her to take care of her responsibilities because I feel like I'm nagging and I don't want that kind of relationship with her. If she would just step up and get the job done there wouldn't be this tension between us. Something clicked for her and now she makes sure all her chores are done before she heads out the door. I make sure I thank her for being so responsible.
She did come to me last week and asked for money to go out for breakfast with her friends. I told her that is what her allowance is for. She said she could either pay her cell phone bill with that money or go out to eat. I just looked at her and told her it was her decision. She knows the consequence of her not paying her bill is she has to hand over her phone until it's paid. She stayed home and had a bowl of cereal.
I did come to the realization that I don't want to force her hand when she challenges me. I want us to have a good relationship so when she does move out she does it because she is ready and willing to do so.
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My3Cents
My wife is the best parent I know. Most of the stuff I'm about to say I learned from her. Between us we have 5 teen agers (second marriage for each of us). We took one to college yesterday, we're taking another to college Wednesday. Both are Freshman. Two other kids are high school seniors and we have on who'll be in 9th grade.
The goal of parenting is to teach your kids how to make a successful life around something they are passionate about, and to keep them alive long enough to do it. But the passion and the definition of success are theirs - not yours. You may not even like what they're passionate about. Hopefully you will like the kind of people they become, but that's not a given, nor is it necessary for successful parenting.
It's a paradox that accepting this makes it much more likely you will enjoy them.
Someone who is 17 and 9 months (which was what this thread was started about) will not be significanly different as a person when they become 18 though they will be legally able to do some things they can't do now.
If they still need a curfew at this point I'd ask is it for you or for them? If they don't get enough sleep it should be THEIR life that suffers for it. You as a parent might need to point out the connection, but if they don't want to get enough rest, there's not much you can do about it.
Sometimes the curfew is for you. You just sleep better knowing your kid is home by a certain time. That's your perogative but I'd suggest being honest about it. Say something like, when you get your own place, you can set your own schedule, but while you're here, I'm going to insist on your cerfew being xxx because I get nervous if you're out later, and I need to get some sleep.
The same idea carries through a lot of parenting. There are times that an 18 year old doesn't make decisions with the wisdom of a 40 or 50 year old. But the key is will the consequences be severe enough for you to jump in? Sure there are sometimes they will. But for a normal kid at that age, most of the consequences will be better for them to experience than for you to jump in and protect them from. While they experience them, you can be there to help them learn how to do it better next time, but be sure they feel the need for it to be "better" otherwise you'll just shut them off.
MTGal - sounds like you have a pretty good kid. When she "challenges you" or needs to be reminded about her "responsabilities" then perhaps the connection between what you're requiring and why you think it will help are not clear.
If what you're requiring will help her become a more successful adult, she should be able to understand the reasoning by this point. That's not the same as agreeing with you - but it makes it much less volitile when you have to "pull rank" if you can explain it, acknowlege their right to have a different opinion and say I'm making this call because I'm the parent. And when you take that approach, and you have a good kid, by this age you don't have to do that too often.
If what you're requiring won't help her become a more successful adult, I'd stop requiring it.
Hope that helps.
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Shellon
My oldest daughter, Samantha, is 23 years old now and an amazing woman. You might see her around greasespot once in awhile.
-->
But she was not always amazing and wonderful. YIKES
When they are teenagers/young adults it's their jobs to drive us wild.
It's a real pain in the heart.
I pulled my hair out until she finished high school and about 6 months later it came down to her or me. In our family, it was nasty cocktail of grief, anger and normal mom/teenager action.
She left, my insistance.
Even her dads death didn't take me out like having to make her leave.
Now however, she's one of, if not my very best friend.
My advise to any parent(s) is communicate with the buggers. If we can somehow keep talking to them, no matter how many times they say they don't want to talk to us.
They really do, just on their terms. Wait until s/he is ready and then take what you get.
And how wonderful now to see Samantha be a mama herself!
It's not about revenge,it's not about payback. It's about her now enjoying motherhood and getting to understand the wonderment, the heart stuff, the sheer JOY of it. To share that with her is amazing.
I'm a proud mama!
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MTgal
My3Cents, I agree about the curfew. I've told here thather curfew is for me -- I don't sleep if I don't know that she is safe. I have 2 younger children, one is 14, the other is 9. The 14 year old can function well with me taking naps if I need to but the 9 year old can't, he is autistic.
We also live in an area where young girls are abducted, raped and killed far to frequently. If she checks in with me on a regular basis, I don't mind her staying out late. It's those days when she doesn't check in because she "doesn't want to disturb me". This tells me she is up to something she knows she shouldn't be doing.
When I tell her "a red flag" is popping up, she doesn't argue with me any more. She's wandered into too many situations that proved my warning sign is not to be argued with. I hope she gets those warnings signs too.
I know she will eventually move out. I hope it is on good terms when she does, but not good enough terms that she ends up living back at home every 6 months.
Shellon, I agree about keeping them talking. Sometimes that is the only reason I call her on her cell phone. Just to chat about her day, what her plans are, who she is with and eventually, when will she be home to take care of her responsiblities? The times she challenges me is when she is with certain people, like the friend that was arrested for DUI (at 17) and their parents are still "discussing" the consequences 3 weeks later.
I know we have our tiffs but I always remind her that I am willing to talk to her as an adult as long as she doesn't get an attitude or try to manipulate the conversation to point fingers at others. Her favorite position is to try to accuse me of ignoring the same actions in her siblings. This is the tactic when I ask her when she plans to do her chores. Everyone in our house has chores, it's just part of being in the family. I remind her that she hasn't been around enough during the day to know what their consequences have been.
I know she is trying to find where she fits in. She has things she is interested in and when she decides to be committed to them she needs very little advice or encouragement.
She wants to move out the day she turns 18. I hope she doesn't so she can finish high school without having to worry about work and studying. Right now I'm not to worried that she will do that since she doesn't have a job. I know she's thinking about it because she's told her sister to give her dishes for Christmas and towels for her birthday.
I also know most of her talk is her being prideful and boasting that it is something she will be able to do and her parents can't stop her.It's also her way of processing and thinking about the situation and how she is going to handle it. I'm glad she is thinking it through, it shows me she is maturing and will be ready to be on her own. She mentioned last week that she wants to take a class the high school offers to help them learn how to prepare to live on their own. I told her it was a good idea, especially if it included how to look for a place to live, plan and keep a budget and work with landlords so she doesn't get ripped off.
I guess the reason I started this thread was to get feedback. I don't want to control her with rules but at the same time I want her to respect that there are rules while she lives in this house (without saying "because I said so" or "because I'm your mother").
I'm just processing through this transitional stage of our relationship. Thanks everyone for your input.
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shazdancer
Dear Kit,
That is so sweet!Dear Shellers,
And if we're ready when they're ready -- we are ready to be an older mentor instead of the Bearer of The Truth -- our children WILL come back, and we will have a friend for life. Sounds like you do!Dear Stayed,
You said...
I assume you were being facetious, but I have to disagree with you a little. Yes, dole out the money, but I think our job as parents changes at this point.I think what our children come to need from us the most is our respect for their life choices. They may go about finding success in a different way than we would (thanks for that, 3Cents). But as long as their brains are not impaired due to substance abuse, a bad relationship, or cult involvement
;)--> , They will naturally crave our approval.
Heck, how many of us sought approval from our parents when we became adults? How many of us still seek it? How many of us feel a void in part of our lives because we never got it?
When our children became toddlers, we stopped treating them as babies. By the time they were old enough to drive, we stopped tying their shoes for them! Now they need us to stop making them feel like they are twelve all over again, and begin to accept them as adults.
In the end, I think you will see in them a LOT of what you taught. I see a quirky sense of humor, compassion, and a hard work ethic in both my daughters. I am very proud of how they turned out. And I tell them so.
(And 3Cents, yeah, they do things differently than I would have at their age. Sometimes, they do it better!)
Regards,
Shaz
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MATILDA
Lo shonta!
Help me Obiwan...
Barkeep, make that a double...no...a virgin...ha!
I have so much to say that I shall say nothing but what I started with...lol...lololo shonta...
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Shellon
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Stayed Too Long
That is how I describe being a 'pit stop'. Not talked to much, stick around long enough to wash her clothes, and head out again. varoooom, varooooom varooooom.....gone!
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