except my whole entire childhood and life had nowhere to go
does it die with him ? does it live on after him ?
i don't know
i wish i could go through this crap in an acceptable way
Ex,
My Father was a once-a-week binge drinker who came home and verbally abused his family--sometimes threatening to shoot us while he was holding a gun. My brother and I learned at a young age to just go to bed as soon as he got home so we didnt' have to deal directly with him even though we could hear him ranting and raving at our Mom and sometimes being physically abusive toward her.
I hated and disrespected him most of my adult life. He doesn't do it anymore. When I was in twi I depressed the hurt I felt from my childhood because I thought that the Word was supposed to heal my heart. I so wanted to confess my wholeness by "doing the Word". It didn't work.
After getting out of twi, I decided that I needed to forgive my Father because I wanted to be able to move on without having the heaviness in my heart about my childhood. I sent him an email telling him basically his drinking DID affect my childhood and my confidence and that it hurt me emotionally. I also told him I forgave him and that if he wanted to talk about it, I was there to hear him.
I haven't heard squat to this day. At first I was pi$$ed off because I wanted him to validate my feelings of hurt. But then I realized that my forgiveness wasn't based on him validating my feelings.
I've moved on since then. I see him as a very sad individual with many emotions pinned up inside him because he is too scared to deal with reality of his actions and life. I just love him as much as I can and hope that my ability to forgive him sparks something in his heart so that he can get out of his own misery.
Forgiveness does a lot for the forgiver. Some things are instantaneous, some things still take a while. But it does work. Forgiveness does not mean that you excuse the wrongs done to you; nor does it required to wrong-doer to ask for it. It allows you to have peace that was stolen from you.
I am sorry for your hurt. I pray you find what it is that you need.
I've been edited several times, and have had entire threads deleted.
Moderators -- -->
It doesn't bother me in the least, after I looked over the situation, and realized I was not saying *kosher* stuff.
The moderators had more sense than I.
quote:
my first time
it makes you feel small
it makes you feel like someone else is in control
but since i called paw drunk as a skunk and cursed like a bandit
i really can't remember. i thought i called him to thank him for calling me about my father dying
i don't remember much about that day
My sister was killed in a hit and run accident by a man who got into an arguement with his wife, tried to strangle her, and then left in a rage (probably drunk - but that will probably not be *proven*), and drove his vehicle into my sister, snuffing out her precious life instantly, while she was at a garage sale.
I don't remember much about that day either (Friday, July 15, 2005), except for the phone call I got after it happened.
My entire relationship with her was gone in an instant, and she was someone I loved.
If ya gotta vent --- vent. I'm gonna do the same here very shortly, and if I get *moderated*, what the F***. I will have said what I need to say, and that is what counts to me.
If it never gets read -- I will at least have said it, and that is good enough for me.
And believe me -- I have plenty to say. Robin was someone who celebrated life, and I for one will not see her life die with *nowhere to go*, even though she is not here to carry on.
Geez Dmiller, this just happened to you sister a little over a week ago? I am so sorry brother. It's hard to think of what to say to you, but you are certainly in my prayers, as well as the rest of your family...
And Excathedra, you are in my prayers too. It must be a very austere time with lots of conflicting emotions. And so, I wish for peace in your heart, ok?
I was suspended by the Moderators once, and it really did feel like I had been "sent to the principle's office" again, or something. But if you'll recall, I deserved it.
But they let me back in, as apparently you have been? Or are they"monitoring" your posts before they post them?
So sorry you are in such pain right now. It must have felt like you had lost your voice, to be removed from the place where your voice had been heard for so long.
I am not sure if what I have to say (below) pertains to you, but it seems like it should go here:
It seems to me that most of us grow into adulthood with "issues" left unresolved from our relationships with our parents, even if the parents were not abusive.
If a parent was also an abuser, the sense of unfinished business must be especially acute. We want that parent to understand what they put us through. We want that parent to feel our pain. We want that parent to regret what he/she did. And we want that parent to start being the parent we want them to be, perhaps what they should have been.
I have seen more than one young adult go back and tell their parents off. Unfortunately, they rarely have gotten the response that they wanted. The parents were puzzled, or even blamed the child all over again.
The adult child often continues to hold out hope that the parent will come around. If the parent dies, that hope dies with them. There is a feeling of being cheated. There was no time left for the parent to come around.
I have come to understand my parents (who were not abusers, but who had flaws) as people who tried to do better than their parents before them. It has given me the strength to try and give to myself what was not given to me, and to encourage my children to do better than I have done.
Perhaps abusive parents lack the strength to parent themselves.
Gosh...So sorry about the heartaches that both excie and dmiller are going through...my dad died about a year ago and I also had a sister killed in a car accident at the age of 17...many years ago...this stuff is horrible, for lack of a better word...my heart goes out to you both.
I know that Paw and the moderators have a job to do in order to keep this place operating properly...sometimes there's a conflict between what's appropriate (from their point of views and their responsibilities)...and the emotions that overwhelm people during the times of great tragedies. I suppose that the bottom line is for everyone to be as understanding as possible towards each other...I believe that we are all decent and caring people and usually these things work themselves out.
Again...so sorry excie and dmiller...so very sorry.
If I haven't posted till now, it's because I've been at a loss for words concerning your recent tragedies. I'm so sorry. You're both such sweet people. My thoughts are with you.
excathedra, at a time when you most need to share your feelings of understandable confusion and grief and anger, helping you to release your pain, with the give and take of others who care about you, you've been cut off.
The reality that Greasespot has been so important to so many among us who needed a place to "let it all out," not all of it very pretty, makes your situation painfully ironic.
I'm really sorry.
--
dmiller, you must be in shock. At least you can talk about it if you need to. Feel free. Up to a point, I guess.
I don't want to start a big debate, but the facts are not being represented here.
Of all the posts Ex has made, we have removed three or four.
One post she outed an anonymous poster
Second post she gave out phone number of a poster
Third post is where she told a number of people to go F* themselves
Fourth post was directed at me letting me know where the forums should go and how they should arrive.
I am not trying to hold her back from sharing. That said, I can't have posts going up that are damaging to others. The solution was to moderate her posts. I would be wrong NOT to have done that. I did a similar thing to Geo earlier this month. I have done it with others that make statements putting GS in a legally awkward position. It is by no means a permanent situation in any of these cases.
First, you maintain GS, and it takes considerable effort. You have the right and responsibility to make those decisions.
In addition, ex must have been aware there would be a response.
The third and fourth points are of little consequence. Anyone who knows and loves ex has been told to "f" themselves on occasion.
And insulting Greasespot? Or you? C'mon. You can choose to be offended I guess, but here's where you look beyond the words to the pain that provokes them. You have a well-earned reputation for patience and understanding. What situation might deserve forbearance more than the one at hand?
As for the first two points, they are another matter. I understand the phone number was posted with permission, but its owner may not really grasp what the consequences of publishing it might be.
Revealing someone's identity is entirely inappropriate. That said, extenuating circumstances may exist. That is between you and excathedra. Greasespot respects privacy, and requires respect for privacy from its participants. That should never be in doubt.
No sweat, Paw. I was just thinking of how it felt to Exy, which has nada to do with your appropriateness in editing a few posts.
And hey, can you guys all wait until the morning hours to post the controversial stuff, 'cuz it always seems to be gone by the time I get to read it! :D-->
Paw, do what ya gotta, you always play fair. Exy, so sorry that you're suffering your loss so deeply. And dmiller, I cannot begin to understand the shock of what you're going through. My heart goes out to you.
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coolchef1248 @adelphia.net
ex i don't know how to reply to you because i have no words of wisdom for you
but i know i have to say something to you
please try to be at peace and know that lot's of us are praying for you
i think you are great
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Ham
I wish I could go through this kind of crap in an acceptable way too.
Praying with you.
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rascal
Excathedra....I don`t now if there IS an *aceptable* way to go through this......I am very sorry for your pain.
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Scout Finch
ex,
I am very sorry that your dad was such a horrible father and has caused you so much pain. I am praying that you can find the peace you need.
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outandabout
Gee, ex
I didn't know your dad died and I didn't know you got moderated.
Sorry about both. I've always enjoyed your presence here at grease spot.
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Nottawayfer
Ex,
My Father was a once-a-week binge drinker who came home and verbally abused his family--sometimes threatening to shoot us while he was holding a gun. My brother and I learned at a young age to just go to bed as soon as he got home so we didnt' have to deal directly with him even though we could hear him ranting and raving at our Mom and sometimes being physically abusive toward her.
I hated and disrespected him most of my adult life. He doesn't do it anymore. When I was in twi I depressed the hurt I felt from my childhood because I thought that the Word was supposed to heal my heart. I so wanted to confess my wholeness by "doing the Word". It didn't work.
After getting out of twi, I decided that I needed to forgive my Father because I wanted to be able to move on without having the heaviness in my heart about my childhood. I sent him an email telling him basically his drinking DID affect my childhood and my confidence and that it hurt me emotionally. I also told him I forgave him and that if he wanted to talk about it, I was there to hear him.
I haven't heard squat to this day. At first I was pi$$ed off because I wanted him to validate my feelings of hurt. But then I realized that my forgiveness wasn't based on him validating my feelings.
I've moved on since then. I see him as a very sad individual with many emotions pinned up inside him because he is too scared to deal with reality of his actions and life. I just love him as much as I can and hope that my ability to forgive him sparks something in his heart so that he can get out of his own misery.
Forgiveness does a lot for the forgiver. Some things are instantaneous, some things still take a while. But it does work. Forgiveness does not mean that you excuse the wrongs done to you; nor does it required to wrong-doer to ask for it. It allows you to have peace that was stolen from you.
I am sorry for your hurt. I pray you find what it is that you need.
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lindyhopper
(((((((EX)))))))
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lindyhopper
/
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dmiller
I've been edited several times, and have had entire threads deleted.
Moderators --
-->
It doesn't bother me in the least, after I looked over the situation, and realized I was not saying *kosher* stuff.
The moderators had more sense than I.
My sister was killed in a hit and run accident by a man who got into an arguement with his wife, tried to strangle her, and then left in a rage (probably drunk - but that will probably not be *proven*), and drove his vehicle into my sister, snuffing out her precious life instantly, while she was at a garage sale.
I don't remember much about that day either (Friday, July 15, 2005), except for the phone call I got after it happened.
My entire relationship with her was gone in an instant, and she was someone I loved.
If ya gotta vent --- vent. I'm gonna do the same here very shortly, and if I get *moderated*, what the F***. I will have said what I need to say, and that is what counts to me.
If it never gets read -- I will at least have said it, and that is good enough for me.
And believe me -- I have plenty to say. Robin was someone who celebrated life, and I for one will not see her life die with *nowhere to go*, even though she is not here to carry on.
Being moderated is the least of my worries.
David
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J0nny Ling0
Geez Dmiller, this just happened to you sister a little over a week ago? I am so sorry brother. It's hard to think of what to say to you, but you are certainly in my prayers, as well as the rest of your family...
And Excathedra, you are in my prayers too. It must be a very austere time with lots of conflicting emotions. And so, I wish for peace in your heart, ok?
I was suspended by the Moderators once, and it really did feel like I had been "sent to the principle's office" again, or something. But if you'll recall, I deserved it.
But they let me back in, as apparently you have been? Or are they"monitoring" your posts before they post them?
Anyway, peace girl...
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herbiejuan
We love you Excie and understand what you are going through. I'm praying for you.
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shazdancer
Dear exy,
So sorry you are in such pain right now. It must have felt like you had lost your voice, to be removed from the place where your voice had been heard for so long.
I am not sure if what I have to say (below) pertains to you, but it seems like it should go here:
It seems to me that most of us grow into adulthood with "issues" left unresolved from our relationships with our parents, even if the parents were not abusive.
If a parent was also an abuser, the sense of unfinished business must be especially acute. We want that parent to understand what they put us through. We want that parent to feel our pain. We want that parent to regret what he/she did. And we want that parent to start being the parent we want them to be, perhaps what they should have been.
I have seen more than one young adult go back and tell their parents off. Unfortunately, they rarely have gotten the response that they wanted. The parents were puzzled, or even blamed the child all over again.
The adult child often continues to hold out hope that the parent will come around. If the parent dies, that hope dies with them. There is a feeling of being cheated. There was no time left for the parent to come around.
I have come to understand my parents (who were not abusers, but who had flaws) as people who tried to do better than their parents before them. It has given me the strength to try and give to myself what was not given to me, and to encourage my children to do better than I have done.
Perhaps abusive parents lack the strength to parent themselves.
Take care,
Shaz
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CoolWaters
{{{{{ExC}}}}}
You know that I know that you know.
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GrouchoMarxJr
Gosh...So sorry about the heartaches that both excie and dmiller are going through...my dad died about a year ago and I also had a sister killed in a car accident at the age of 17...many years ago...this stuff is horrible, for lack of a better word...my heart goes out to you both.
I know that Paw and the moderators have a job to do in order to keep this place operating properly...sometimes there's a conflict between what's appropriate (from their point of views and their responsibilities)...and the emotions that overwhelm people during the times of great tragedies. I suppose that the bottom line is for everyone to be as understanding as possible towards each other...I believe that we are all decent and caring people and usually these things work themselves out.
Again...so sorry excie and dmiller...so very sorry.
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TheInvisibleDan
Excie and dmiller -
If I haven't posted till now, it's because I've been at a loss for words concerning your recent tragedies. I'm so sorry. You're both such sweet people. My thoughts are with you.
Love,
Danny
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satori001
excathedra, at a time when you most need to share your feelings of understandable confusion and grief and anger, helping you to release your pain, with the give and take of others who care about you, you've been cut off.
The reality that Greasespot has been so important to so many among us who needed a place to "let it all out," not all of it very pretty, makes your situation painfully ironic.
I'm really sorry.
--
dmiller, you must be in shock. At least you can talk about it if you need to. Feel free. Up to a point, I guess.
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pawtucket
I don't want to start a big debate, but the facts are not being represented here.
Of all the posts Ex has made, we have removed three or four.
One post she outed an anonymous poster
Second post she gave out phone number of a poster
Third post is where she told a number of people to go F* themselves
Fourth post was directed at me letting me know where the forums should go and how they should arrive.
I am not trying to hold her back from sharing. That said, I can't have posts going up that are damaging to others. The solution was to moderate her posts. I would be wrong NOT to have done that. I did a similar thing to Geo earlier this month. I have done it with others that make statements putting GS in a legally awkward position. It is by no means a permanent situation in any of these cases.
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satori001
Alright Paw.
First, you maintain GS, and it takes considerable effort. You have the right and responsibility to make those decisions.
In addition, ex must have been aware there would be a response.
The third and fourth points are of little consequence. Anyone who knows and loves ex has been told to "f" themselves on occasion.
And insulting Greasespot? Or you? C'mon. You can choose to be offended I guess, but here's where you look beyond the words to the pain that provokes them. You have a well-earned reputation for patience and understanding. What situation might deserve forbearance more than the one at hand?
As for the first two points, they are another matter. I understand the phone number was posted with permission, but its owner may not really grasp what the consequences of publishing it might be.
Revealing someone's identity is entirely inappropriate. That said, extenuating circumstances may exist. That is between you and excathedra. Greasespot respects privacy, and requires respect for privacy from its participants. That should never be in doubt.
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pawtucket
I never said I was offended.
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satori001
I made that assumption by your inclusion of the fourth point, but it was only an assumption.
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shazdancer
No sweat, Paw. I was just thinking of how it felt to Exy, which has nada to do with your appropriateness in editing a few posts.
And hey, can you guys all wait until the morning hours to post the controversial stuff, 'cuz it always seems to be gone by the time I get to read it!
:D-->
Paw, do what ya gotta, you always play fair. Exy, so sorry that you're suffering your loss so deeply. And dmiller, I cannot begin to understand the shock of what you're going through. My heart goes out to you.
Regards,
Shaz
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pawtucket
actually the 4th point was an attempt to be funny.
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Raf
It's all in the delivery, Paw.
Looking back,
:P-->
But I missed the joke and thought something really nasty was said about where you can shove your Greasespot...
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satori001
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