Ok guys that is well and good and it sounds really nice. But when a woman wants to tell how she feels a lot of times the guys feel like they are being confronted. And walk away. They don't like to share their feelings.
Am I right?
Nope. Not whatsoever.
At first, if you don't know how to communicate together, it may seem like that to the guy, or even to the woman, but once you learn to communicate, once you understand each other, it's not like that at all.
Restating a message, but usually with fewer words. Where possible try and get more to the point.
Purpose:
To test your understanding of what you heard.
To communicate that you are trying to understand what is being said. If you’re successful, paraphrasing indicates that you are following the speaker’s verbal explorations and that you’re beginning to understand the basic message.
When listening consider asking yourself:
What is the speaker’s basic thinking message
What is the person’s basic feeling message
E.g.
S: I just don’t understand, one minute she tells me to do this, and the next minute to do that.
X: She really confuses you.
S: I really think he is a very nice guy. He’s so thoughtful, sensitive, and kind. He calls me a lot. He’s fun to go out with.
X: You like him very much, then.
Clarifying
What is it: Process of bringing vague material into sharper focus.
Purpose:
To untangle unclear or wrong listener interpretation.
To get more information
To help the speaker see other points of view
To identify what was said
e.g.
I’m confused, let me try to sate what I think you were trying to say.
You’ve said so much, let me see if I’ve got it all.
Perception Checking
What is it: Request for verification of your perceptions.
Purpose:
To give and receive feedback
To check out your assumptions
e.g.
Let me see if I’ve got it straight. You said that you love your children and that they are very important to you. At the same time you can’t stand being with them. Is that what you are saying?
Summarizing
What is it: pulling together, organizing, and integrating the major aspects of your dialogue. Pay attention to various themes and emotional overtones. Pout key ideas and feelings into broad statements. DO NOT add new ideas.
Purpose:
To give a sense of movement and accomplishment in the exchange
To establish a basis for further discussion.
Pull together major ideas, facts, and feelings
e.g.
A number of good points have been made about rules for the classroom. Let’s take a few minutes to go over them and write them on the board.
We’re going all over the map this morning. If I understand you correctly,
The three major points of the story are…
Primary Empathy
What is it: Reflection of content and feelings
Purpose:
To show that you’re understanding the speaker’s experience
To allow the speaker to evaluate his/her feelings after hearing them expressed by someone else
Basic Formula:
You feel (state feeling) because (state content)
e.g.
Student: I just don’t know how I am going to get all this math homework done before tonight’s game especially since I don’t get most of this stuff you taught us today.
Teacher: You are feeling frustrated and stuck…You are feeling frustrated and stuck with math you don’t know how to do and you’re worried that you won’t figure it out before you go to the game.
The main fear for you seems to be fear -- you’re really scared of losing your relationship if things don’t get better.
It’s upsetting when someone doesn’t let you tell your side of the story.
Advanced Empathy
What is it: reflection of content and feeling at a deeper level.
Purpose: To try and get an understanding of what may be deeper feelings
e.g.
I get the sense that you are really angry about what was said, but I am wondering if you also feel a little hurt by it.
You said that you feel more confident about contacting employers, but I wonder if you also still feel a bit scared.
I just go in on this thread, and I haven't read every single post. I really think that when a woman hits 50, and things are the same if she has a so-so or horrible marriage, kids are gone, she starts to think about her future and about herself for the first time.
I work with a lady who just retired at 57. All of her kids are out on their own, and she decided she's getting divorced after 28 years of marriage. She will be able to do whatever she wants, whenever she wants, and she plans to have fun. I do, however, think it is sad that women wait this long to figure it out. I
"Ok guys that is well and good and it sounds really nice. But when a woman wants to tell how she feels a lot of times the guys feel like they are being confronted. And walk away. They don't like to share their feelings."
AND
"If a guy doesn't feel like he's being "confronted," he may feel like he's being bitched at, and again, many times he is."
The trick to avoiding this is to "own your problem". Instead of saying "you always" or "you never", you make "I" statements. It may sound sort of cliche but it really makes a huge difference.
For example, if I am a neat freak and a messy house drives me crazy but doesn't bother my partner, the problem is mine, not his. So if I start yelling at him about how he never cleans it will just make him defensive. But if I ask for help or say "I'm really bothered by the mess, would you mind doing such and such" it makes all the difference in the world.
I've always been bothered by the statement "quit bitching". I don't usually complain about things, but there comes a time when even my patience runs low. I don't quite understand when reminding, suggesting or questioning turns into bitching. Is saying that someone is bitching just used when they are saying something you don't want to deal with? Or is there another way that a woman should say things so it doesn't sound like bitching to a man?
For an example: when my ex-husband was remodeling our home after a major flood and he would go a week or longer without showing any progress (mind you, this was his work at the time because he was unemployed, it wasn't that he would come home from work and then deal with the house) and I wouldn't see any progress, there might have been some, but I just didn't see it yet. If I asked how it was coming along or would suggest something he would get angry and tell me to quit bitching.
Another thing that was talked about earlier, I think young women need to be taught how to communicate with men way before they get married. So many wives can't just come right out with what the problem is. A man shouldn't have to guess and shouldn't have to put up with a woman pouting who won't share what she has issues with. I agree with the men here. I very rarely have that problem now. But, there was a time when I was much younger that I would sometimes say "nothing" or "never mind, its no big deal" and walk off. Do we really expect men to be able to read our minds? Maybe not, but I think we expect men to put 2 and 2 together the same way we do and they don't.
I can trust my fiance and he trusts me, that's so important for good communications. He is a very good communicator and he shares his feelings. This is the direct opposite from my ex, who couldn't/wouldn't trust me enough to share his feelings and we rarely communicated well together. So its not that all men can't or won't.
As important as words are in communication, body language and the tone a voice also communicates. Are you sending a clear signal or a mixed message?
How is this for a concept, agree on a time to talk. For example, when you are finished what you are doing (watching a TV show etc) I would like to talk to you. This is respectfull and when the two are talking you will have the other persons un-divided attention (suggestion, have TV off).
This might work better that the; Why are you ignoring me while you are watching your favorite show (Oprah, Dr Phil, CSI, etc...). This type of communication is doomed to failure. because 1. you are putting the person on the defensive. 2. You have put the person you want to talk to in a bad mood.
A pre-planned time always worked best for me. I knew a discussion was coming, and was willing to deal with it. In other words -- it didn't *just happen*, and come as a surprise.
That was one of our bc's favorite way of tortuing you. Tell you ahead of time..preferably at the beginning of a class...that he needed to speak with you.
It wouldn't have been so bad if once it a while he actually want to discuss something with you...but "speak with you" meant I'm gonna mop up the whole house with you and you're gonna beg for more so I don't throw you outta here.
One of the problems I had was that I would feel that whenever I complained about something my wife felt it was her duty to show me how it was my fault. Eventually I stopped talking to her and did all my talking to another woman in our church. If God hadn't intervened I doubt we'd still be married. We may be neanderthals but there are times when men have the need to be understood as well.
That was one of our bc's favorite way of tortuing you. Tell you ahead of time..preferably at the beginning of a class...that he needed to speak with you.
This is what Steve and I refer to as a "baggage moment". Whenever something comes up that is a baggage moment, we have both agreed to not take whatever is said or felt then personally. That is a time when active listening is most important so that that "safe place" is established.
We make agreements about baggage times....when a baggage moment comes up that we've talked about...we've already discussed what we are going to do (from the last time that particular baggage moment happened) so that whoever is having the moment gets the help towards healing that is needed.
*note* At first active listening seems awkward, and you worry about doing the steps in the "right order". Don't feel defeated...the same habit that makes us expect the BC tongue lashing (or whatever the baggage is) is one that was learned, built over time. So is active listening.
And don't confuse what I said about Steve and I never raising our voices as if you raise yours, you've failed. Not so.
It's our style (Steve's and mine) to not raise our voices....it may be your style to talk very loudly!!!...don't confuse style with level of success. Some folks yell a lot...yet actively listen, so they can yell it out!!!!
Only a cult would require you to talk at a certain decible level to be successful. Any logical person KNOWS we aren't all quiet and we aren't all loud!!!
If you ask a person when they would like to talk, it also gives them the option of them stopping what they are doing and talk about it "now".
Communication is the shareing of thoughts and ideas. If you are not prepared to do that and mainly want to "talk at" (see twi), go find a wall and "talk at" it (that would be more productive).
For effective communication, all parties must be prepared to listen. In prepration to communicate, ask yourself... What can be done for effective listening for all parties.
There is a big difference between "talking at" (the way twi talked to most people) and "talking with" (this is usually is done between people who like each other. It is also more respectfull).
Yep. "We have something we REALLY need to talk about..."
To me, that kind of prelude said "brace yourself for a big one..."
Doesn't do much good, at least for me. Already have my undivided attention with the first word out of the mouth. Too much fanfare- just TALKING about it seems more effective.. just get to the point!
"Honey, I would feel a heck of a lot better if you put the toilet seat down.."
"No problem, glad you told me about it".
Usually it could be that simple.
I think a lot of times the women think they have to use extraordinary methods to get the man's attention. 99 times out of a hundred, they already have it.
Before anybody gets mad, let me say I agree that sometimes a lot more time than that is needed to communicate about a more serious issue.. or for just meaningful day to day dialogue.
Yep, Mr Ham...thatsa game. Whether it's a game cuz the woman doesn't know what's really bothering her, doesn't think the man will "hear" her and respond, or is too afraid to say anything cuz she knows he'll hold it against her one day.
All valid reasons.
And ALL illustrate how and why active listening works so well.
She would be heard, her words would be paraphrased and spoken back to her, her feelings would be expressed, her feelings would be validated by being spoken back to her, and the person listening would ask what she thinks would help her, she would make a few suggestions, they would agree on one.
My spouse has been a real problem when it comes to me talking about something he doesn`t want to deal with........(if we don`t talk .. he can pretend that everything is ok and he doesn`t have to deal with anything unpleasant....everything in his world is hunky dorey) He refuses to pull his eyes from the tv or computer screen, tune me out....or maybe just stare at me till I quit talking...refusing to say a word.....he will also walk away from me and say that I talk too much and that he has laundry to fold (so lacking in respect of decency grrr)... anyway, if I persisted he would be just awfull....if I finally DID manage to engage him....he is a master at manipulating the conversation.... accusing me of stuff or misrepresenting my pov till I would be having to defend myself to the point of entirely forgetting what I needed to talk to him about in the first place........it took years for me to catch on to the little game....
My solution ??? I write letters .... lol sometimes 14 pages worth, and send emails...he cannot argue with them, he cannot play verbal games and trip them up...I don`t get emotional or side tracked....
It takes real thought to formulate my pov in this logical and concise manner....I seem to be presenting my thoughts in a manner that he can comprehend .... he seems to understand, he is willing to respect and apreciate my argument ....and he it seems to eliminate the need to feel defensive.....bottom line though is.....it WORKS!!!
I know, I know, I shouldn`t have to....but hey, it works....when presented in this form, he carefully considers my argument and 99 percent of the time acknowledges it`s merit, and makes the necessary adjustments........heretofor, it seems like he was so consumed with being *right*.... acting as if he aquiesed ... it meant that it was admitting that I had *won* some how immasculating him in his mind..
I used to resent the hell out of having to modify my aproach to a method that he was willing to accept....you know, it was like learning to how to interact with a damn computer, I had to learn WHICH buttons to push and which to avoid to even engage in dialog....
It seems to me to be so very stupid to have to resort to this....but aparently when I have to carefully think about what is important and make the effort to communicate it in this fashion, he is able to give my thoughts and opinions respect and consideration....
Most figure it isn`t worth the effort... that I probably shouldn`t have to, but if this is what it takes for us to keep our lives running smoothly and in a positive direction....it is a small price to pay....
How does this work into the subject at hand??
Only that as male and female, we communicate very differently, our perceptions differ, and sometimes though it makes no sense to us personally whatsoever, it is what is necessary to reach common ground....
Some of youfolks are more adept at understanding and communicating in a manner that your partner can accept and work with....be they male or female....and can forgive the others lack of skill in communication.
It's the feeling of loss of control, too when you hear "*I* need to talk to *YOU*
"*I* need to talk to *YOU*" is nearly as bad as "We need to talk". Any time I used to hear that, I would cringe, and start rethinking my life in a different direction, knowing that a major change was about to happen.
Of course, it doesn't carry that emotional weight any more, because of the trust in our relationship.
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Steve!
Nope. Not whatsoever.
At first, if you don't know how to communicate together, it may seem like that to the guy, or even to the woman, but once you learn to communicate, once you understand each other, it's not like that at all.
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Cindy!
Here are the active listening skills outlined:
************************************************
Active Listening Skills
Attending
A: Eye contact
B: Posture
C: Gesture
S.O.L.E.R.
Five steps to attentive listening
Squarely face the person
Open your posture
Lean towards the sender
Eye contact maintained
Relax while attending
Paraphrasing
What is it?
Restating a message, but usually with fewer words. Where possible try and get more to the point.
Purpose:
To test your understanding of what you heard.
To communicate that you are trying to understand what is being said. If you’re successful, paraphrasing indicates that you are following the speaker’s verbal explorations and that you’re beginning to understand the basic message.
When listening consider asking yourself:
What is the speaker’s basic thinking message
What is the person’s basic feeling message
E.g.
S: I just don’t understand, one minute she tells me to do this, and the next minute to do that.
X: She really confuses you.
S: I really think he is a very nice guy. He’s so thoughtful, sensitive, and kind. He calls me a lot. He’s fun to go out with.
X: You like him very much, then.
Clarifying
What is it: Process of bringing vague material into sharper focus.
Purpose:
To untangle unclear or wrong listener interpretation.
To get more information
To help the speaker see other points of view
To identify what was said
e.g.
I’m confused, let me try to sate what I think you were trying to say.
You’ve said so much, let me see if I’ve got it all.
Perception Checking
What is it: Request for verification of your perceptions.
Purpose:
To give and receive feedback
To check out your assumptions
e.g.
Let me see if I’ve got it straight. You said that you love your children and that they are very important to you. At the same time you can’t stand being with them. Is that what you are saying?
Summarizing
What is it: pulling together, organizing, and integrating the major aspects of your dialogue. Pay attention to various themes and emotional overtones. Pout key ideas and feelings into broad statements. DO NOT add new ideas.
Purpose:
To give a sense of movement and accomplishment in the exchange
To establish a basis for further discussion.
Pull together major ideas, facts, and feelings
e.g.
A number of good points have been made about rules for the classroom. Let’s take a few minutes to go over them and write them on the board.
We’re going all over the map this morning. If I understand you correctly,
The three major points of the story are…
Primary Empathy
What is it: Reflection of content and feelings
Purpose:
To show that you’re understanding the speaker’s experience
To allow the speaker to evaluate his/her feelings after hearing them expressed by someone else
Basic Formula:
You feel (state feeling) because (state content)
e.g.
Student: I just don’t know how I am going to get all this math homework done before tonight’s game especially since I don’t get most of this stuff you taught us today.
Teacher: You are feeling frustrated and stuck…You are feeling frustrated and stuck with math you don’t know how to do and you’re worried that you won’t figure it out before you go to the game.
The main fear for you seems to be fear -- you’re really scared of losing your relationship if things don’t get better.
It’s upsetting when someone doesn’t let you tell your side of the story.
Advanced Empathy
What is it: reflection of content and feeling at a deeper level.
Purpose: To try and get an understanding of what may be deeper feelings
e.g.
I get the sense that you are really angry about what was said, but I am wondering if you also feel a little hurt by it.
You said that you feel more confident about contacting employers, but I wonder if you also still feel a bit scared.
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LG
There's also the "yell really loud" method, but Mrs. !'s is much better.
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Nottawayfer
I just go in on this thread, and I haven't read every single post. I really think that when a woman hits 50, and things are the same if she has a so-so or horrible marriage, kids are gone, she starts to think about her future and about herself for the first time.
I work with a lady who just retired at 57. All of her kids are out on their own, and she decided she's getting divorced after 28 years of marriage. She will be able to do whatever she wants, whenever she wants, and she plans to have fun. I do, however, think it is sad that women wait this long to figure it out. I
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Abigail
"Ok guys that is well and good and it sounds really nice. But when a woman wants to tell how she feels a lot of times the guys feel like they are being confronted. And walk away. They don't like to share their feelings."
AND
"If a guy doesn't feel like he's being "confronted," he may feel like he's being bitched at, and again, many times he is."
The trick to avoiding this is to "own your problem". Instead of saying "you always" or "you never", you make "I" statements. It may sound sort of cliche but it really makes a huge difference.
For example, if I am a neat freak and a messy house drives me crazy but doesn't bother my partner, the problem is mine, not his. So if I start yelling at him about how he never cleans it will just make him defensive. But if I ask for help or say "I'm really bothered by the mess, would you mind doing such and such" it makes all the difference in the world.
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gc
A lot of good suggestions here! Thanks!
Here's a question I've always wondered about.
I've always been bothered by the statement "quit bitching". I don't usually complain about things, but there comes a time when even my patience runs low. I don't quite understand when reminding, suggesting or questioning turns into bitching. Is saying that someone is bitching just used when they are saying something you don't want to deal with? Or is there another way that a woman should say things so it doesn't sound like bitching to a man?
For an example: when my ex-husband was remodeling our home after a major flood and he would go a week or longer without showing any progress (mind you, this was his work at the time because he was unemployed, it wasn't that he would come home from work and then deal with the house) and I wouldn't see any progress, there might have been some, but I just didn't see it yet. If I asked how it was coming along or would suggest something he would get angry and tell me to quit bitching.
Another thing that was talked about earlier, I think young women need to be taught how to communicate with men way before they get married. So many wives can't just come right out with what the problem is. A man shouldn't have to guess and shouldn't have to put up with a woman pouting who won't share what she has issues with. I agree with the men here. I very rarely have that problem now. But, there was a time when I was much younger that I would sometimes say "nothing" or "never mind, its no big deal" and walk off. Do we really expect men to be able to read our minds? Maybe not, but I think we expect men to put 2 and 2 together the same way we do and they don't.
I can trust my fiance and he trusts me, that's so important for good communications. He is a very good communicator and he shares his feelings. This is the direct opposite from my ex, who couldn't/wouldn't trust me enough to share his feelings and we rarely communicated well together. So its not that all men can't or won't.
gc
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Zshot
Cindy! made some excellent points.
As important as words are in communication, body language and the tone a voice also communicates. Are you sending a clear signal or a mixed message?
How is this for a concept, agree on a time to talk. For example, when you are finished what you are doing (watching a TV show etc) I would like to talk to you. This is respectfull and when the two are talking you will have the other persons un-divided attention (suggestion, have TV off).
This might work better that the; Why are you ignoring me while you are watching your favorite show (Oprah, Dr Phil, CSI, etc...). This type of communication is doomed to failure. because 1. you are putting the person on the defensive. 2. You have put the person you want to talk to in a bad mood.
Mutual respect is a good way to communicate.
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vickles
that sounds good z, but if someone tells me that they want to talk to me after I'm done watching my tv
show I get paranoid.
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dmiller
But you aren't getting interrupted, in your tv show, either.
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dmiller
And it may *interrupt* your show, but the talk afterwards will not be interrupted by the show, or your desire to see it.
:)-->
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krys
I hear ya Vickles. It sounds just like meet me in the back room right after the meeting.
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dmiller
A pre-planned time always worked best for me. I knew a discussion was coming, and was willing to deal with it. In other words -- it didn't *just happen*, and come as a surprise.
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dmiller
Krys -- I never saw it that way, but maybe that is one more difference between men and women.
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krys
That was one of our bc's favorite way of tortuing you. Tell you ahead of time..preferably at the beginning of a class...that he needed to speak with you.
It wouldn't have been so bad if once it a while he actually want to discuss something with you...but "speak with you" meant I'm gonna mop up the whole house with you and you're gonna beg for more so I don't throw you outta here.
But I had my share of wonderful leaders too.
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TOMMYZ
One of the problems I had was that I would feel that whenever I complained about something my wife felt it was her duty to show me how it was my fault. Eventually I stopped talking to her and did all my talking to another woman in our church. If God hadn't intervened I doubt we'd still be married. We may be neanderthals but there are times when men have the need to be understood as well.
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Cindy!
This is what Steve and I refer to as a "baggage moment". Whenever something comes up that is a baggage moment, we have both agreed to not take whatever is said or felt then personally. That is a time when active listening is most important so that that "safe place" is established.
We make agreements about baggage times....when a baggage moment comes up that we've talked about...we've already discussed what we are going to do (from the last time that particular baggage moment happened) so that whoever is having the moment gets the help towards healing that is needed.
*note* At first active listening seems awkward, and you worry about doing the steps in the "right order". Don't feel defeated...the same habit that makes us expect the BC tongue lashing (or whatever the baggage is) is one that was learned, built over time. So is active listening.
And don't confuse what I said about Steve and I never raising our voices as if you raise yours, you've failed. Not so.
It's our style (Steve's and mine) to not raise our voices....it may be your style to talk very loudly!!!...don't confuse style with level of success. Some folks yell a lot...yet actively listen, so they can yell it out!!!!
Only a cult would require you to talk at a certain decible level to be successful. Any logical person KNOWS we aren't all quiet and we aren't all loud!!!
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Zshot
Vickles,
If you ask a person when they would like to talk, it also gives them the option of them stopping what they are doing and talk about it "now".
Communication is the shareing of thoughts and ideas. If you are not prepared to do that and mainly want to "talk at" (see twi), go find a wall and "talk at" it (that would be more productive).
For effective communication, all parties must be prepared to listen. In prepration to communicate, ask yourself... What can be done for effective listening for all parties.
There is a big difference between "talking at" (the way twi talked to most people) and "talking with" (this is usually is done between people who like each other. It is also more respectfull).
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Ham
Yep. "We have something we REALLY need to talk about..."
To me, that kind of prelude said "brace yourself for a big one..."
Doesn't do much good, at least for me. Already have my undivided attention with the first word out of the mouth. Too much fanfare- just TALKING about it seems more effective.. just get to the point!
"Honey, I would feel a heck of a lot better if you put the toilet seat down.."
"No problem, glad you told me about it".
Usually it could be that simple.
I think a lot of times the women think they have to use extraordinary methods to get the man's attention. 99 times out of a hundred, they already have it.
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Cindy!
It's the feeling of loss of control, too when you hear "*I* need to talk to *YOU*
Gives ya that "going to the principal's office" kinda feeling.
icko!!
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Ham
Before anybody gets mad, let me say I agree that sometimes a lot more time than that is needed to communicate about a more serious issue.. or for just meaningful day to day dialogue.
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Ham
Yep. Going to the principal's office.. "now you're gonna get it" heh heh.
Sometimes, once the woman has undivided attention,
"You really oughta know what you did to hurt me".
"Well, what did I do?"
"You don't KNOW???!!!"
Nope. Tell me.
"Well. You did, well. I can't believe you don't know what you did".
I'll admit I am dense. I am a guy after all. But I try..
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Cindy!
Yep, Mr Ham...thatsa game. Whether it's a game cuz the woman doesn't know what's really bothering her, doesn't think the man will "hear" her and respond, or is too afraid to say anything cuz she knows he'll hold it against her one day.
All valid reasons.
And ALL illustrate how and why active listening works so well.
She would be heard, her words would be paraphrased and spoken back to her, her feelings would be expressed, her feelings would be validated by being spoken back to her, and the person listening would ask what she thinks would help her, she would make a few suggestions, they would agree on one.
Et voila...principal office avoided.
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rascal
My spouse has been a real problem when it comes to me talking about something he doesn`t want to deal with........(if we don`t talk .. he can pretend that everything is ok and he doesn`t have to deal with anything unpleasant....everything in his world is hunky dorey) He refuses to pull his eyes from the tv or computer screen, tune me out....or maybe just stare at me till I quit talking...refusing to say a word.....he will also walk away from me and say that I talk too much and that he has laundry to fold (so lacking in respect of decency grrr)... anyway, if I persisted he would be just awfull....if I finally DID manage to engage him....he is a master at manipulating the conversation.... accusing me of stuff or misrepresenting my pov till I would be having to defend myself to the point of entirely forgetting what I needed to talk to him about in the first place........it took years for me to catch on to the little game....
My solution ??? I write letters .... lol sometimes 14 pages worth, and send emails...he cannot argue with them, he cannot play verbal games and trip them up...I don`t get emotional or side tracked....
It takes real thought to formulate my pov in this logical and concise manner....I seem to be presenting my thoughts in a manner that he can comprehend .... he seems to understand, he is willing to respect and apreciate my argument ....and he it seems to eliminate the need to feel defensive.....bottom line though is.....it WORKS!!!
I know, I know, I shouldn`t have to....but hey, it works....when presented in this form, he carefully considers my argument and 99 percent of the time acknowledges it`s merit, and makes the necessary adjustments........heretofor, it seems like he was so consumed with being *right*.... acting as if he aquiesed ... it meant that it was admitting that I had *won* some how immasculating him in his mind..
I used to resent the hell out of having to modify my aproach to a method that he was willing to accept....you know, it was like learning to how to interact with a damn computer, I had to learn WHICH buttons to push and which to avoid to even engage in dialog....
It seems to me to be so very stupid to have to resort to this....but aparently when I have to carefully think about what is important and make the effort to communicate it in this fashion, he is able to give my thoughts and opinions respect and consideration....
Most figure it isn`t worth the effort... that I probably shouldn`t have to, but if this is what it takes for us to keep our lives running smoothly and in a positive direction....it is a small price to pay....
How does this work into the subject at hand??
Only that as male and female, we communicate very differently, our perceptions differ, and sometimes though it makes no sense to us personally whatsoever, it is what is necessary to reach common ground....
Some of youfolks are more adept at understanding and communicating in a manner that your partner can accept and work with....be they male or female....and can forgive the others lack of skill in communication.
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Steve!
"*I* need to talk to *YOU*" is nearly as bad as "We need to talk". Any time I used to hear that, I would cringe, and start rethinking my life in a different direction, knowing that a major change was about to happen.
Of course, it doesn't carry that emotional weight any more, because of the trust in our relationship.
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