I do not know what "group" put this out there. I don't think it Christian. But I do think they are valid in saying unless you "cry your pain" it will live in you forever.
quote:To the emotions, to the place where the pain and memory of the experience reside, past reality IS present. The emotional self does not live in linear time in the same way that mind/spirit does. If an emotion goes unexpressed, if a painful thing is held and frozen and not allowed expression or given light and acceptance, it continues living in that painful experience. That IS its NOW. The pain of then is as real as if it really were happening right now, or happening again. And there is almost no way to convince the parts that are experiencing this reality otherwise. The only way to shift that reality is to allow the pain expression. Give the feelings acceptance and allow them to cry and tell whatever they are holding, whatever they are experiencing. Then their view of what is now, what is real, will naturally and easily shift
...
quote: In order to make any real and lasting change in your reality, you have to cry the old, buried pain. This is not a magic process. It's not a process that relies on anybody outside of yourself. Nobody else can fix this for you or magically heal it for you. It's not easy, and it's not quick. But it is simple. All you have to do is cry. One tear at a time. One inch at a time, peel the onions. It takes time, commitment, patience and courage, but it is the only way to make permanent changes in your life. It's the only way to regain the power we should have, the power to create realities that we want, with our mind and emotions working together.
...
quote:By feeding the subconscious/unconscious a picture of something (wealth, love, success) often enough and with great enough conscious desire, you may be able to temporarily push back the old reality (and pain) it is holding. The power of the creative subconscious willingly outpictures what it is receiving from your mind... but it can't maintain that reality. Inevitably it reverts to whatever is being held in its hidden depths, the realities that are being radiated from your hidden pain. Not only doesn't it last, but if you do it with great enough force, you might actually be forcing fragmentation, pushing parts of yourself away. This is a very real danger. Be aware that the majority of people who feel better after "letting go" of their rage or "choosing" to think positively are only feeling better because a part of themselves has been shoved back into the attic... or farther away and out of their consciousness.
This reminds me of the folks who trivialize the posture of the victims of TWI. Those who call the preditory sexual behavior "when you slept together?" or "when he slipped up a few times in his marraige" or the "there was no gun at your head" logic. (Making the victim share blame.)
So I see this as VPW AND those who still choose to turn a blind eye. It is a mental thing, there are tatics and it is designed to victimize the victim again.
It is NOT harmless
a) Denial: the bully denies everything. Variations include Trivialization ("This is so trivial it's not worth talking about...") and the Fresh Start tactic ("I don't know why you're so intent on dwelling on the past" and "Look, what's past is past, I'll overlook your behaviour and we'll start afresh") - this is an abdication of responsibility by the bully (or the followers of THE bully who became bullys themselves) and an attempt to divert and distract attention by using false conciliation. Imagine if this line of defence were available to all criminals ("Look I know I've just murdered 12 people but that's all in the past, we can't change the past, let's put it behind us, concentrate on the future so we can all get on with our lives" - this would do wonders for prison overcrowding).
b) Retaliation: the bully counterattacks. The bully quickly and seamlessly follows the denial with an aggressive counter-attack of counter-criticism or counter-allegation, often based on distortion or fabrication. Lying, deception, duplicity, hypocrisy and blame are the hallmarks of this stage. The purpose is to avoid answering the question and thus avoid accepting responsibility for their behaviour. Often the target is tempted - or coerced - into giving another long explanation to prove the bully's allegation false; by the time the explanation is complete, everybody has forgotten the original question.
Both a) and b) are delivered with aggression in the guise of assertiveness; in fact there is no assertiveness (which is about recognizing and respecting the rights of oneself and others) at all. Note that explanation - of the original question - is conspicuous by its absence.
When called to account for the way they have chosen to behave, mature adults do not respond by bursting into tears. If you're dealing with a serial bully who has just exhibited this avoidance tactic, sit passively and draw attention to the pattern of behaviour they've just exhibited, and then the purpose of the tactic. Then ask for an answer to the question.
Bullies also rely on the denial of others and the fact that when their target reports the abuse they will be disbelieved ("are your sure this is really going on?", "I find it hard to believe - are you sure you're not imagining it?"). Frequently targets are asked why they didn't report the abuse before, and they will usually reply "because I didn't think anyone would believe me." Sadly they are often right in this assessment. Because of the Jekyll & Hyde nature, compulsive lying, and plausibility, no-one can - or wants - to believe it. Click here for a detailed explanation of the target's reluctance to report abuse.
Denial features in most cases of sexual assault, as in the case of Paul Hickson, the UK Olympic swimming coach who sexually assaulted and raped teenage girls in his care over a period of 20 years or more. When his victims were asked why they didn't report the abuse, most replied "Because I didn't think anyone would believe me". Abusers confidently, indeed arrogantly, rely on this belief, often aggressively inculcating (instilling) the belief ("No-one will ever believe you") just after the sexual assault when their victim is in a distressed state. Targets of bullying in the workplace often come up against the same attitudes by management when they report a bullying colleague. In a workplace environment, the bully usually recruits one or two colleagues (sometimes one is a sleeping partner - see Affairs below) who will back up the bully's denial when called to account.
That link went to Victims no longer and it was great.
quote: My name is Peter Andrews. I was born in England in 1951. I was sexually abused by a male teacher at an independent school for boys during my early teens.
It went on for nearly two years until I finally told the school authorities what was happening to me. They swore me to silence and moved the teacher to another school to protect him and the school's name. I was left to fend for myself without any support from the school. Neither my parents nor the police were told.
The abuse left deep psychological scars which fundamentally damaged me as an individual. I developed a range of coping mechanisms in order to survive, including alcohol abuse, self-harm and sex addiction. I found it difficult to settle and was incapable of forming lasting relationships.
I tried to pretend that it had never happened by burying the memories deep in my mind, and for the next 30 or so years, I stumbled on through life, but the legacy of guilt, confusion and anger was never far from the surface.
Then, about five years ago, the hidden memories began to re-emerge. A trickle at first, then more, and more, each time becoming sharper in focus and more detailed. They pervaded my mind during every moment of every day, and haunted my dreams at night.
Eventually, at the beginning of 1997, I broke down, unable to cope with the force of these awful images, which totally overwhelmed me and took me to the brink of self-destruction.
I was lucky though, I had someone who stood by me. She looked after me while I tried to find the support and counselling that I needed, and I survived. But finding that help was not easy as there was no central place to go to get advice, let alone help.
So, to help other victims of abuse find the help they need more easily, I set up the Lantern Project and this web site. I have also written a book about what happened to me, and how I learnt to cope. It is called 'Survivor' and it will be published later this year.
The road to recovery from sexual abuse is a long and difficult journey, but it's not a race. You can only go at your own speed. What you must have to begin with thought is a map. A map that tells you something about what you can expect to experience on the way, and how to deal with those experiences when they happen.
You also need a place to begin, like this web site. It's not perfect and it doesn't contain infinite wisdom, but it answers most of the questions victims of abuse need to ask. I hope and pray you will find some comfort and support here. Be brave, you are not alone and you can survive.
Recommended Posts
dmiller
Dot -- I looked at the site. Looks detailed!
On the left column under PATTERNS, I couldn't believe the first entry:
"Patterns -- What they are, and what they are not"
Boy did that bring back memories!
-->
Link to comment
Share on other sites
Dot Matrix
I do not know what "group" put this out there. I don't think it Christian. But I do think they are valid in saying unless you "cry your pain" it will live in you forever.
Edited by Dot MatrixLink to comment
Share on other sites
Dot Matrix
one thing said:
...
...
Edited by Dot MatrixLink to comment
Share on other sites
Dot Matrix
Emotional abuse
http://www.actabuse.com/patterns_abuse.html
The serial bully (TWI)
Those who can do
Those who can't bully.
http://www.bullyonline.org/workbully/serial.htm#Guru
Link to comment
Share on other sites
Cowgirl
Hi Dot, please check your PT
Cowgirl
Link to comment
Share on other sites
Dot Matrix
Cowgirl
there was nothing there!
:)-->
Link to comment
Share on other sites
Dot Matrix
This reminds me of the folks who trivialize the posture of the victims of TWI. Those who call the preditory sexual behavior "when you slept together?" or "when he slipped up a few times in his marraige" or the "there was no gun at your head" logic. (Making the victim share blame.)
So I see this as VPW AND those who still choose to turn a blind eye. It is a mental thing, there are tatics and it is designed to victimize the victim again.
It is NOT harmless
a) Denial: the bully denies everything. Variations include Trivialization ("This is so trivial it's not worth talking about...") and the Fresh Start tactic ("I don't know why you're so intent on dwelling on the past" and "Look, what's past is past, I'll overlook your behaviour and we'll start afresh") - this is an abdication of responsibility by the bully (or the followers of THE bully who became bullys themselves) and an attempt to divert and distract attention by using false conciliation. Imagine if this line of defence were available to all criminals ("Look I know I've just murdered 12 people but that's all in the past, we can't change the past, let's put it behind us, concentrate on the future so we can all get on with our lives" - this would do wonders for prison overcrowding).
b) Retaliation: the bully counterattacks. The bully quickly and seamlessly follows the denial with an aggressive counter-attack of counter-criticism or counter-allegation, often based on distortion or fabrication. Lying, deception, duplicity, hypocrisy and blame are the hallmarks of this stage. The purpose is to avoid answering the question and thus avoid accepting responsibility for their behaviour. Often the target is tempted - or coerced - into giving another long explanation to prove the bully's allegation false; by the time the explanation is complete, everybody has forgotten the original question.
Both a) and b) are delivered with aggression in the guise of assertiveness; in fact there is no assertiveness (which is about recognizing and respecting the rights of oneself and others) at all. Note that explanation - of the original question - is conspicuous by its absence.
When called to account for the way they have chosen to behave, mature adults do not respond by bursting into tears. If you're dealing with a serial bully who has just exhibited this avoidance tactic, sit passively and draw attention to the pattern of behaviour they've just exhibited, and then the purpose of the tactic. Then ask for an answer to the question.
Bullies also rely on the denial of others and the fact that when their target reports the abuse they will be disbelieved ("are your sure this is really going on?", "I find it hard to believe - are you sure you're not imagining it?"). Frequently targets are asked why they didn't report the abuse before, and they will usually reply "because I didn't think anyone would believe me." Sadly they are often right in this assessment. Because of the Jekyll & Hyde nature, compulsive lying, and plausibility, no-one can - or wants - to believe it. Click here for a detailed explanation of the target's reluctance to report abuse.
Denial features in most cases of sexual assault, as in the case of Paul Hickson, the UK Olympic swimming coach who sexually assaulted and raped teenage girls in his care over a period of 20 years or more. When his victims were asked why they didn't report the abuse, most replied "Because I didn't think anyone would believe me". Abusers confidently, indeed arrogantly, rely on this belief, often aggressively inculcating (instilling) the belief ("No-one will ever believe you") just after the sexual assault when their victim is in a distressed state. Targets of bullying in the workplace often come up against the same attitudes by management when they report a bullying colleague. In a workplace environment, the bully usually recruits one or two colleagues (sometimes one is a sleeping partner - see Affairs below) who will back up the bully's denial when called to account.
Link to comment
Share on other sites
vickles
Wow, dot, this stuff is something to really think about!!!!!
I just read over the first page and am going to look more into it when I have more time.
Thanks so much for sharing this...All I can say again is, WOW!!!!!
Link to comment
Share on other sites
WordWolf
http://www.bullyonline.org/related/abuse.htm#Reporting_abuse
Why people sometimes don't speak up.
Link to comment
Share on other sites
Dot Matrix
Wolf
That link went to Victims no longer and it was great.
http://www.victimsnolonger.org.uk/home.htm
Link to comment
Share on other sites
imbus
Nice going Dot.
:D--> 
;)--> 
:D-->
More validation.
More awareness.
More skills.
Link to comment
Share on other sites
Join the conversation
You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.