What's New In Education?

[CKnapp3]

WHAT'S NEW IN EDUCATION?

With all due deference to Pres. Bush:

In response to the Federal No Child Left Behind Act, students will have to

pass the test to be promoted to the next grade level. In the hopes that it

will be uniformly adopted by all the states, thus illuminating Texas to a

glorious front runner position in education, it will be called: the Federal

Arithmetic and Reading Test (FART).

All students who cannot pass a FART in the second grade will be retested in

grades 3-5 until such a time as they are capable of achieving a FART score

of 80%. If a student does not successfully FART by grade 5, that student

shall be placed in a separate English program, the Special Means Elective

for Learning Language (SMELL).

If with this increased SMELL program the student cannot pass the required

FART, he or she can graduate to middle school by taking a one-semester

course in Comprehensive Reading and Arithmetic Preparation (CRAP).

If by age fourteen the student cannot FART, SMELL or CRAP, he or she will

earn a promotion in an intensive one-week seminar. This is the Preparatory

Reading for Unprepared Nationally Exempted Students (PRUNES).

It is the opinion of the Texas Department of Public Instruction that an

intensive week of PRUNES will enable any student to FART, SMELL or CRAP.

President Bush and Vice President Cheney stated that this revised provision

of the student-testing program should help clear the air.