You May Have Heard..

[Sudo]

1. Two vultures boarded a plane, each carrying two dead raccoons. The

stewardess stops them and says, "Sorry, sir, only one carrion per

passenger."

2. NASA recently sent a number of Holsteins into orbit for experimental

purposes. They called it the herd shot round the world.

3. Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One took off to Hollywood and

became a rich star. The other stayed in Carolina and never amounted to

much--and naturally became known as the lesser of two weevils.

4. Two Eskimos in a kayak were chilly, so they started a fire, which sank

the craft, proving the old adage you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

5. A three-legged dog walks into an old west saloon, sidles up to the bar

and announces "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."

6. Did you hear about the Buddhist who went to the dentist and refused to

take Novocain? He wanted to transcend dental medication.

7. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel, and met in the lobby

where they were discussing their recent victories in chess tournaments. The

hotel manager came out of the office after an hour, and asked them to

disperse. He couldn't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.

8. A woman has twins, gives them up for adoption. One goes to an Egyptian

family and is named "Ahmal." The other is sent to a Spanish family and is

named "Juan." Years later, Juan sends his birth mother a picture of himself.

She tells her husband she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. He

replies, "They're twins, for Pete's sake! If you've seen Juan, you've see

Ahmal!"

9. A group of friars opens a florist shop to raise money for missions. A

rival florist complains that the competition is bad for his business and

asks the friars to close down. They refuse, so he hires a thug named Hugh

McTaggert to trash their shop, destroy their inventory and warn that he'd be

back if they dared to reopen. They close the shop for good, proving that

Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.

10. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot his whole life, so he had

an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which

made him frail. And, with his odd diet, he had very bad breath. This made

him a super-callused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

11. A guy sent 10 puns to a very sour friend in the hope that at least one

of the puns would make him laugh. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

[Nottawayfer]

LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL

[Sudo]

Sister Mary Katherine entered the Convent of Silence.

The abbess said, "Sister, this is a silent monastery.

You are welcome here as long as you like, but you may

not speak until I direct you to do so".

Sister Mary Katherine lived in the monastery for 5

years before the abbess said to her, "Sister Mary

Katherine, you have been here for 5 years. You can

speak two words."

Sister Mary Katherine said, "Hard bed." "I'm sorry to

hear that," the abbess said, "We will get you a better

bed."

After another 5 years, Sister Mary Katherine was

called by the abbess. "You may say another two words,

Sister Mary Katherine."

"Cold food," said Sister Mary Katherine, and the

abbess assured her that the food would be better in

the future.

On her 15th anniversary at the monastery, the abbess

again called Sister Mary Katherine into his office.

"You may say two words today."

"I quit," said Sister Mary Katherine.

"It's probably best", said the abbess, "You've done

nothing but complain since you got here."

sudo