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Utah Barbies...

Zshot

By Zshot,
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Zshot Newbie

Zshot

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Posted

Barbie Dolls Inc. Announces The Release Today of Limited Edition Barbie

Dolls for the Utah Market:

Draper City Barbie: She's 29 and she's already had six kids. She has

never worked a day in her life and really doesn't think she should have

to. She comes with a brand new home on an acre and a half of land in the

Draper Foothills. Her Barbie Dream Home comes with furniture for all

eight bedrooms, two mini vans, two horses and a trampoline. She also

comes with a jar of expensive stretch mark cream and a consent form to

have her tubes tied after the birth of child number seven. Bonus - this

Barbie comes with a one-year membership to Costco, which is where she

has

to shop to feed her brood. Never-at-home Ken is a Mormon Bishop and a

high school administrator.

Cottonwood Barbie: This Barbie is usually found shopping in her

Lulu lemon yoga outfit with her snowboarding, shaggy-haired boyfriend

Ken. On weekends, you can find this Barbie babe at the Porcupine Grill

with a swarm of Barbie friends and a grandee, double shot, skinny,

sugar-free vanilla latte. You can purchase this Barbie's poor boy cap

and

torn Levi's for her laid-back days.

The Avenues Barbie: This 'Princess Barbie' is only sold at The Gateway.

She comes with assortment of Kate Spade handbags, a Lexus, a lapdog and

a two million dollar house. Options include tummy tuck, face-lift, Spa

certificates, and a workaholic, cheating Dr. Ken.

West Valley Barbie: This recently paroled Barbie comes with a 9mm

handgun, a Ray Lewis knife, a slammed Chevrolet with oversized wheels

and tinted windows. Methadone Clinic Ken included. Also available with

orange overalls.

Tooele Barbie: This model wears Wrangler jeans two sizes too small and a

NASCAR shirt. Accessories include a six-pack of Coors Light and a Hank,

Jr. CD set. She can spit over 5 feet and she can kick Ken's a$$ when

she's drunk. A pickup is available with Country KSOP bumper stickers.

Trolley Square Barbie: Trolley Square Barbie comes with a Mini Cooper

and a $200,000 bachelorette pad. She likes to lunch on a salad at

Gastronomy restaurants most days and carries her Chihuahua, named

Pookie, in her handbag. This Barbie takes Pookie to her job downtown as

an analyst. Also available: numerous Platinum credit cards and

Shallow-Ken.

Ogden Barbie: This tobacco chewing, brassy-haired Barbie has not learned

that you can't wear high-heeled sandals from Payless without breaking a

heel and falling while you chase your mullet-wearing boyfriend. Her

ensemble includes low-rise acid-washed jeans, with

assorted g-strings that stick out the back, and a white barely-there

see-through shirt. Her long, layered hair is bleached and BIG.

Accessories include: a 1996 Camero Z-28 and a CD-player equipped with

vintage Ozzi.

Federal Heights Barbie: This Barbie has recently been divorced. She

comes with Ken's car, Ken's house and Ken's cabin in Park City.

Wendover Barbie: This Barbie is a bitter broad. She's in her late 30's

but a lifetime of beer and cigarettes have left her looking ten years

older. She's recently lost her gig at the Golden Fleece. It's pretty bad

when the worst strip joint in Utah tells you 'sorry honey, you just sag

too much now.' This Barbie comes with a 1988 Ford Taurus with broken air

conditioning. She also comes with thirty-five assorted wigs in all

styles and colors. She hopes to land a position dealing Blackjack at

whatever casino passes for the Stateline this week. Additional

accessories include a variety of costumes and rhinestone jewelry. This

Barbie may also open Wendover's first pole-dancing class to teach

desperate women how to strip for their man. Bonus - Truck stop layover

Ken is included.

Magna Barbie: The Magna Barbie lives in a red brick tract home built in

the 1940's for a Kennecott Copper worker. She inherited it from her

grandmother. The house is falling to pieces around her ears. This Barbie

comes with Handyman Ken and his 1977 camper converted into a work truck.

Accessories include all Ken's tools, even a mini arc welding set and

tiny little pipes to reconstruct Barbie's kitchen and bathroom. You can

select from a Ken with or without 'plumber's crack.' Special feature,

Magna Barbie also speaks Spanish and has a lifetime pit pass to the

Bonneville Raceway and a collection of Elvis mementos purchased from

QVC.

St. George Barbie: The St. George Barbie is our oldest Utah Barbie. But

don't let her fool you! Granny's still got a lot of gas left in her

tank. Gramps is dead and Granny has sold the house and most of her stuff

and has bought a condo in St. George. Now Granny's days are

filled with brunches with the girls in the morning, then a nap, and then

late afternoon tee-times. Oldster Barbie loves golf and her accessories

include a golf cart and a set of pro-quality clubs. St. George Barbie

only goes back up to Salt Lake to see her children and grandchildren at

Christmas and Mother's Day. The rest of the time Granny is a real

swinger. St. George Barbie comes with smarmy Condo Association President

Ken, and Pool Boy Ken as well. Also included is a hand-embroidered throw

pillow with the quote 'What Happens in St. George Stays in St. George.'

Watch out for more Barbie's coming soon...

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Pirate1974 Newbie

Pirate1974

Posted
Posted

Ken is yesterday's news, guys.

After 45 years of dating, Barbie cut him loose back in February. She's got a new main squeeze named "Blaine" who's supposed to be an Australian surfer. Looks more like one of those "girlie men" Arnold was talking about to me.

barbie-blaine.jpg

Looks like a brilliant marketing move by Mattel to sell new dolls.

I think Barbie and Blaine have interchangable heads. Only the hair is different.

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