Another honest cry from the heart on another site... from an unknown poster
Stop Eating Us!
Dear God,
Are you there? I am small, I am so tiny, I am almost non-existant. Will you hear me, will you see me? Heart pounding, trying to ignore the voices of self-hate that tell me I'm a fool, twice a fool to try this again.
I try to talk to you directly. I try and try. I can't hear you, and I fear there's something wrong with me, I'm too small, too stupid, too blocked, to hear your voice when all these others claim to hear you and know you.
I will tell you what I do hear, what I do know. I know a vast sea of tiny beings like me, sisters, some bigger, some smaller, all terrified though some pretend not to be. We tread water together. I hear their cries, I hear their longing and broken hearts. I hear their death dirge when they finally give up trying to tread water and sink under to drown.
Despair and trying to die are bad enough, God. But now, as I begin to swim, now as I feel life returning to my limbs and begin to hope that I might live, I see the sharks beneath the water.
They have been there all along... sharks swimming circles around us, greedy, hungry sharks. We didn't see them, we didn't know they were there! Some of them wear your badge, some of them even claim to be devoted to the Will and healing. Are these the Knights and Emissaries and Missionaries that YOU sent here? I am so enraged, now that I have become awake enough to see what prey we are!! I WANT THIS TO STOP!!!
They guru, they power over, they claim to know what is best for us. They seduce us with lures of love. And what is worse, God, is they believe they are still doing your will. What they are doing is collecting us. Eating us. Collecting and eating bits of Will, bits of fragments of the Mother.
STOP EATING US!!!
I want these sharks gone. I want them off the planet! How can we heal when we are being eaten?!?
I dreamed the other night, I dreamed I stood on the rim of the world and watched as souls were born into bodies. At the gateway stood guards. I watched as my sisters approached the gate and as they passed through, the guards whispered in their ears and pressed down on them and shamed them and made them feel guilty. Stay open, was the guilty message they gave. It is unloving to be closed, stay open.
Do you see? We are being born without boundaries. We accepted guilt's whisperings, we have great gaping holes in our sense of self, in our knowing of who we are and what we feel and our ability to resist the influence of others. We remain open and vulnerable to unloving light, and we have almost no ability to discern what is loving or unloving light. We are easy prey.
You say we must be careful not to open and let in unloving light, be cautious. HA. I am telling you, without boundaries, guilt keeps us open from day one, and we cannot be cautious, we cannot discern, we cannot protect ourselves. I AM SO ANGRY ABOUT THIS!!
I was born like this, I came into this world in this life with damaged boundaries. I wanted to say it was because of the sexual abuse I suffered at the age of two, or the alcoholic storms in our house, or the violence. But the truth is, I had no boundaries at birth, guilt made me a feather in the wind, a wishywashy person, easy prey to both guru and dominating lover.
I have fought long and hard to find my sense of self. I have cried oceans and oceans of tears. And I am ENRAGED that my sisters all around me lose these battles every day. Every day I see more fall under the spells of these guru-types, with their seductive ways and their promise of love and enlightenment.
I am so afraid you won't hear me. I am so afraid you will say that it is all our own responsibility. That we must own being both eater and the eaten. I don't know why I'm trying this, one more time, I feel compelled by grief and longing and terror. And rage.
STOP EATING US!!!
I want the sharks gone. I want the Guilt Guards removed from the birth gateways. I want these so-called missionaries to go "save" somebody else. I want all my sisters to get rip roaring ....ED. What will it take to kick these rat bastards OFF the planet?
I felt so a kin to her words it compelled me to print it here. I feel this way about TWI, about those that cling to the lies and excuse the criminal behavior or dismiss the victims of that behavior.
I wanted to share it. It can apply to anyone you wish to "take back your power" from.
I would only change the word "hatered" to perhaps "disgust"
Here it is:
Don't Tell Me What's Wrong With Me
Raging at "Superiority"
Edited 2/18/04
Don't tell me what's wrong with me.
Don't tell me what you think you know,
what you are so sure of,
that you simply must share with me...
point out...
"express"...
shove down my throat!
with all your postures and diagrams and charts
and reasons and rationales and lofty wisdoms.
You kill my love for you by inches.
Each "telling" slams me backward 9 miles
and I look at you then through a lens
darkly and distorted
with hatred and distrust.
You think you know so much.
You think you have such large understanding of me
of my pain
of my patterns.
You don't really know me
or hear me
or see me.
And by these great truths you proclaim
(always about others...)
you show your own true colors.
The air must be thin up there,
so high up in your head.
Petty
small
narrow
ragged understandings
without compassion
or fullness
or real true understanding.
And if I dare to tell you what I feel (foolish! foolish!!!)
where I hurt (unthinkable! dangerous!!)
what I have found about myself
by my relentless movement (I wish you would notice THIS about me!!)
If by some strange courageous attempt,
I dare to tell you what I feel
... If I dare to open my heart to you ...
Don't gloat.
Don't say "I knew it"
or "I told you so"
or "That's what I thought"
or any of your
stupid
mindless
HEARTLESS
better-than
know-it-all
smug
superior
CRAP
I don't care if you ARE right.
I don't care what you see...
what you know...
what you think you know.
This telling, this gloating, this "I'm so smart"
is your way of ensuring your survival.
But I don't care if you survive.
Because your survival depends on my wrongness
On the wrongness of everyone you meet.
I feel it with every breath you snort in my direction.
It slams me back 9 miles
and I see you through a dark lens
hideous and distorted
You are a lurking beast
heartless
a huge balloon head atop mangled shoulders
You go about busily
feeding your head with
critical knowings.
Feeding the furnace of
the better-than, know-it-all, smug, superior, CRAP machine.
Do you hear me?
Will you ever hear me?
Or will you bolster your position again?
Tell yourself that this is "justified"?
That this is your "free expression" of how you feel
and therefore should be allowed
should be swallowed
should be chewed and savored and blessed
and then begged for...
(thank you sir may I have another?!!)
It's a lie you tell yourself
Feeding your head,
feeding the dark consciousness hovering over your shoulder,
grinning at me gleefully.
Perhaps superiority is the only "feeling" you know.
Perhaps you don't know anything else.
And you wield the knife of guilt
sharpened and honed...
You require that we bow and scrape
and accept and allow
and beg for more.
To be "good", we must become proper little supplicants
I found this on that website and although I do not agree with all of the things they believe I think they have a strong grip on healing so I will post their things -- giving credit to them of course....
Beliefs and healing our pain
The first weapon I give you in this fight is REMEMBERING. It is time to remember.
You must remember 3 things:
1.Who you are
2.Your past
3.What you are afraid of Waking up and remembering is the hardest thing you will ever do.
It will take all your courage and all your commitment. But you must do it. You must do it with me if we are to live (and we have a right to live). Make no mistake, this is a war. We must be guerilla fighters - always under cover, in small groups of 2's, 3's and 4's. Until we have remembered and become strong enough, our fight must be with ourselves and the dream we have escaped into. Before we can use the weapon of remembering in our fight to survive, we must understand why we do not remember.
Why we don’t remember
We don’t remember because it is too painful. Every experience you have had is stored somewhere in your memory banks. Along with the memories is the pain you felt during that experience. Pain does not go away just because we refuse to acknowledge that we feel it. All it does is to go out of our awareness. If you resist your feelings, you will not be able to remember.
So, our second weapon is ACCEPTANCE OF OUR FEELINGS.
We must come to know and understand our feelings if we are to accept them. First we must overcome our fear of them. To do that we must learn their purpose, how they function, and their value. When we understand our feelings, they become our great ally - our help and our salvation. I do not say this lightly. Our emotions are our greatest strength - now in our fight to survive - and always - if we understand them. Because their purpose is to tell us the truth about ourselves: when we love, when we are hurt, when we are angry and when we are afraid. How can we live well if we do not have this knowledge of ourselves to guide us?
How can we live sanely and lovingly if we do not let ourselves know how we feel?In order to learn to accept our feelings, we must look at some of the beliefs we have about them. We are afraid of our feelings because we are told many lies about them. Our beliefs make us afraid of what we feel.
Lies We Believe About Feelings
Weapon Three
The third weapon in our fight to survive is CHANGING OUR BELIEFS.
We all have a set of beliefs that are a major part of us and have been with us from our first experiences. Beliefs are not a part of our consciousness, but have a life below the surface in our unconscious mind. We are never free of our beliefs and we create our lives based on what we believe.
Our Belief System is created by those closest to us, by our experiences and by the beliefs that are held by the world and its institutions. Changing these beliefs will be a part of our fight to survive, because most of our beliefs are lies and they cripple us. Mistaken beliefs keep us from being who we truly are. How do we begin the process of changing our beliefs? We can begin by looking at our decisions.
Weapon Four
The fourth weapon in the fight to survive is to EXAMINE YOUR DECISIONS
- bad ones and good ones and those that happened by default (by not making a decision when one was needed). Our decisions can show us what our beliefs are.
Because our decisions are always based on
1.the painful experiences we must remember
2.our feelings (hurt, fear, anger)
3.our mistaken beliefs.
By looking at our decisions, we can trace the reasons for the decisions we made, or are in the process of making. We can find the beliefs, especially those beliefs we have about ourselves, that cause us to make decisions for our lives that do not work. Then we must go back to the memories and feelings that drove us to make those decisions.
quote: (A true story of how beliefs were formed and decisions made.)
Story:A TRUE STORY(Showing how beliefs are formed,and how they lead to decisions that affect our lives...)
She was 6 months old when she was first raped by her father. The physical pain was excruciating, but nothing like the emotional pain, because she felt her father had loved her. The mother's hands had always been rough, cold, wishing she weren't there. But the father's hands had been warm and loving, accepting. (Later she knew they were also sensuous and wrong).
The betrayal was worse than the lack of love. And the first belief was formed. Not in thought, but in every cell, every nerve ending, every attitude of mind and body. Belief 1:No one can be trusted.
As she grew older the activity with the father continued, but she was not a participant. She would drift, and go numb, and each time she took the pain and memory and locked them away with a will of iron one wouldn't guess possible in so small a child. But each time, another part of her was lost to her. Then, for some reason the father was gone. They were alone and the mother was terrified.
Everything changed - schedule, people, places. There was nothing to hold on to. She got sick with a fever and an intense ear ache. She cried from the pain and fear. She cried and cried and the mother had to stop her. So she put a pillow on the child's head and held her down till she was quiet.
Darkness
Panic
No air,
terror,
silent screams
Waves of blackness in the mind
Numbness
Unconsciousness
Death.
She left the body with a desperation - like a swimmer underwater, needing air. When she came to the surface (and finally breathed) she was not alone. And she was loved, a feeling not yet experienced by the small person left behind. She knew she would never go back. Nothing would ever make her leave this heaven of love and no pain (better yet an awareness of joy) to go back to the body of that small person.
Nothing.
But an awareness slowly perceived of a life chosen, of responsibility long ago accepted, of immeasurable strength and support nearby. So she went back and lived and the second belief was formed in order to survive living with the mother.
Belief 2: The needs of the child, no matter how great, are not important.And a decision was made that the child’s needs must not be communicated.
The father didn't come home for almost a year. It was the great war year and the child was 3. The battle between the child and the mother never stopped. She was a prisoner of war - hated, never understanding why or when the next blow would come.The mother's language was physical and she communicated rage very effectively. A touch became a pinch, a nudge became a kick.
The child never understood the source of the rage or what to do to stop it. She had been slapped, kicked, pinched and truly beaten. She had been deprived of food and water. Her body was so filled with pain, so in need of comfort that she could not live with it.So, in order to survive, another belief was formed and decision made.
Belief 3:
The pain she felt must be shut away forever, or she would die. And a decision was made to stop listening to her body.
She no longer knew how she felt, but she survived the war year. When the father came home everything changed - especially the mother. The war between them stopped. The mother refocused and hardly ever noticed the child who was deeply grateful for the reprieve. The child turned her attention toward the father who was the benefactor. She gave her love, loyalty, affection and her femininity - all she could find inside of herself to keep him happy - to keep him home.
The activity began again. This time she felt it was a small price to pay for his protection. This time she participated, helped, distracted and gave all she could. For many years she was his whore. And she was warned (by the mother too) not to tell. As she grew up she felt shame and then rage. And during this time, another belief was formed. It came from the adults around her. It came softly and helped to keep the shame hidden and the rage in place. Belief 4: She caused the father to love her in such an unnatural way because she was bad. And the decision was made that she must not be angry at them, but only at herself.
She was 11.
She was a fidget and did poorly in school. Since the year of the great war, when she was 3, the household was consistent. The father drank and raged, got sober and cold and despondent. The activity continued. The mother was hateful, but never so bad as the war year. The mother alternately ignored the activity or helped the father by waking up the child and bringing her to the father's bed. The power of the child in the house grew. She became important as the father's whore.
Then, one day, a new understanding came to the child. She saw the mother diminishing. She saw herself becoming the mother. The child did not want to be the mother and she knew it was wrong. She did not want the role or the power.
The next time he began the activity, she said no and went away from his bed and his hands and his body. The father became enraged. He raged and brooded in an angry sullen mood all day. And in that early summer evening, when it was starting to cool down and become pleasant, the father put her in a bathtub filled with water and tried to drown her. And a new belief came, complete unto itself.
A cruel denial of all the feminine and womanly things beginning to form inside of her.
Belief 5:
Her only value in the world was as a sexual vessel.
Another belief was coming. It was already half formed, waiting in the hazy fringes of her mind and feelings, waiting for either confirmation or denial. It had been waiting many years. She had fought the decision coming from the almost belief, and the dark magic spells it wove around her ability to love and even like herself. But this new experience gave the half-formed decision a total and complete life of its own.
Now it was definite - given in its direst form by the two giants who formed her world and all the thoughts and feelings she had about herself. The belief and decision were complete. Belief 6: She did not deserve to live.
But somewhere inside the child, an old memory of being loved in another world, like a little spark, lit up that dark decision for just a tiny moment and changed it so that she could live and not die.
Belief 6 modified:
She did not deserve to live for herself, but could live for others.
End of story
I know I have made this seem simple. And I know it is very hard. But to help in this process, I have tools that will make it easer. Even if you were unable to use any of the weapons, we could still win our fight and survive, if we just committed to using the Tools. The tools will bring you home.
Remember take what you can away from what they share, you do not have to accept everything they believe.
I am a Christian who believes in a saviour. But I do think I need to hold his hand and go back and look at what went into the buliding of "me". So, I am asking jesus to walk with me back to the bricks that were laid in my foundation so I can change.
The sorrow which has no vent in tears may make other organs weep. ~ Henry Maudsley
This second tool is a tool of the emotions, or soul. It is also the connecting point for the body and the soul, or the place where body and soul align and work together. This is the tool of Crying.
Of all the weapons and all the tools, the Crying Tool is the star.
It is a simple process — after all, every child knows how to cry—but it will be hard to do because we have all been systematically taught not to cry since we were born.
But the importance of crying is world shaking!
If you were only allowed to do one thing—you should cry.
If you only had limited time and energy, you should use your available time and energy to cry.
If you had to fight to maintain your movement forward—you should fight for crying.
Crying — by itself — will lead to
remembering
accepting feelings
changing beliefs
making new decisions
ending our slavery
and going home.
Feelings and their purpose
The purpose of feelings is so that you will know how you respond to an experience. Your feelings will tell you if it is a pleasant experience or a painful one. But if you do not listen to the feelings, you will not know.
Our feelings are filled with important information; information about what is going on in our world and what our response is to those experiences. However, feelings give you their wisdom only if they are allowed to move in you and through you. Feelings must be released through their natural process to be of value. The place that holds your feelings (in the unconscious) has great wisdom for you. It is your wisdom, but it is being withheld from you. (??Why do we have a conscious and an unconscious??)
You cannot accept your feelings if you are standing outside of them, watching them. To accept your feelings you must experience them. You must place your point of consciousness within the feelings that have been stored in your unconscious.
After the moment of placing your consciousness in your feelings, there must be a shift. Until now, the part of you that thinks of itself as you, has been in control. But in order to let your feelings express, your control must shift. Control must be given to the part of you that feels. And this makes you “feel” vulnerable because “you” don’t want to lose control. However, the part of you that feels is also “you.” And it is an important part of you; a part that can give you strength, wisdom, integrity and purpose, and can help you in all your endeavors.
To cry, you must re-learn how.
There are three phases to the process, described here:
Three steps of the emotional healing process.
Warning
We have lost the ability to move our emotions naturally, and in its place have put a useless and dangerous practice called "acting out."
We act out our feelings in the world and on ourselves, rather than actually feel and process them. Acting out is like a child playing house. It looks like house, but it is not really.
In acting out, we take emotions and play them out.
We yell and scream and get cross with people (especially children) and act out our anger. We get sad and depressed and act out our grief.
We go to scary movies and do dangerous activities so we can act out our fear.
Why do we act out rather than process our feelings properly? Because in acting out we believe we are strong. Acting out gives us the illusion that we are in charge. Acting out means I don’t have to feel my real feelings — I can pretend instead.
There is no reconciliation in acting out.
There is no relief in acting out.
There is no understanding in acting out.
When acting out, we either hurt others or ourselves.
Feelings processed properly bring relief and instruct us about ourselves.
Feelings processed properly never hurt anyone or anything.
Feelings processed properly bring understanding, wisdom and love.
You must be careful not to get side tracked into acting out. All the forces that want to keep you enslaved, encourage you to act out your feelings rather than release them, because that is how they keep us enslaved.
Heck Dovey had her son die and was forbidden to talk about it or to cry. She was too just go on as if nothing ever happened, TWI took away her simple right to FEEL and to cry as a result of those feelings...
(But David cried out to God -- maybe they forgot that!)
I see a lot of different things in this and I believe it to be fragments of my own story and the stories here that I have read.
I don't agree with everything at this site either.....but it would be impossible not to relate to this posters excruciating pain and Her search for healing and recovery and relief!!!
This really spoke to my heart, it is so well put, it is what The Evan said on...Abi's "Losing The Way" Kristen Skedgell Thread:
Aug 30 2008, 06:33 AM Post #70
The Evan: quote
" Keith, I think the short answer is that deviant sexual predators have an uncanny 'nose' for the vulnerable, those whose fences aren't solidly in place. People that have been abused simply don't have the equipment to escape on their own and the abuser senses this. It's heartbreaking to think that the most fragile...those on need of gentlest treatment, instead got carefully set up and abused in the most callous manner."
Rainbows Girl - This IMHO seems to be the irrefutable answer to the question of "Why did YOU allow this this happen to You" (edited to add this}
The Evan's continued qoute: "I loved the book. I, too, was able to identify a great many characters in the drama.
I had lots of red flags about Der Veg but kept getting stopped by thinking similar to what Kris expressed. And I wasn't being abused. Abuse submerges you in a unique 'fog' that makes
You must be careful not to get side tracked into acting out. All the forces that want to keep you enslaved, encourage you to act out your feelings rather than release them, because that is how they keep us enslaved.
Recommended Posts
Dot Matrix
Another honest cry from the heart on another site... from an unknown poster
Stop Eating Us!
Dear God,
Are you there? I am small, I am so tiny, I am almost non-existant. Will you hear me, will you see me? Heart pounding, trying to ignore the voices of self-hate that tell me I'm a fool, twice a fool to try this again.
I try to talk to you directly. I try and try. I can't hear you, and I fear there's something wrong with me, I'm too small, too stupid, too blocked, to hear your voice when all these others claim to hear you and know you.
I will tell you what I do hear, what I do know. I know a vast sea of tiny beings like me, sisters, some bigger, some smaller, all terrified though some pretend not to be. We tread water together. I hear their cries, I hear their longing and broken hearts. I hear their death dirge when they finally give up trying to tread water and sink under to drown.
Despair and trying to die are bad enough, God. But now, as I begin to swim, now as I feel life returning to my limbs and begin to hope that I might live, I see the sharks beneath the water.
They have been there all along... sharks swimming circles around us, greedy, hungry sharks. We didn't see them, we didn't know they were there! Some of them wear your badge, some of them even claim to be devoted to the Will and healing. Are these the Knights and Emissaries and Missionaries that YOU sent here? I am so enraged, now that I have become awake enough to see what prey we are!! I WANT THIS TO STOP!!!
They guru, they power over, they claim to know what is best for us. They seduce us with lures of love. And what is worse, God, is they believe they are still doing your will. What they are doing is collecting us. Eating us. Collecting and eating bits of Will, bits of fragments of the Mother.
STOP EATING US!!!
I want these sharks gone. I want them off the planet! How can we heal when we are being eaten?!?
I dreamed the other night, I dreamed I stood on the rim of the world and watched as souls were born into bodies. At the gateway stood guards. I watched as my sisters approached the gate and as they passed through, the guards whispered in their ears and pressed down on them and shamed them and made them feel guilty. Stay open, was the guilty message they gave. It is unloving to be closed, stay open.
Do you see? We are being born without boundaries. We accepted guilt's whisperings, we have great gaping holes in our sense of self, in our knowing of who we are and what we feel and our ability to resist the influence of others. We remain open and vulnerable to unloving light, and we have almost no ability to discern what is loving or unloving light. We are easy prey.
You say we must be careful not to open and let in unloving light, be cautious. HA. I am telling you, without boundaries, guilt keeps us open from day one, and we cannot be cautious, we cannot discern, we cannot protect ourselves. I AM SO ANGRY ABOUT THIS!!
I was born like this, I came into this world in this life with damaged boundaries. I wanted to say it was because of the sexual abuse I suffered at the age of two, or the alcoholic storms in our house, or the violence. But the truth is, I had no boundaries at birth, guilt made me a feather in the wind, a wishywashy person, easy prey to both guru and dominating lover.
I have fought long and hard to find my sense of self. I have cried oceans and oceans of tears. And I am ENRAGED that my sisters all around me lose these battles every day. Every day I see more fall under the spells of these guru-types, with their seductive ways and their promise of love and enlightenment.
I am so afraid you won't hear me. I am so afraid you will say that it is all our own responsibility. That we must own being both eater and the eaten. I don't know why I'm trying this, one more time, I feel compelled by grief and longing and terror. And rage.
STOP EATING US!!!
I want the sharks gone. I want the Guilt Guards removed from the birth gateways. I want these so-called missionaries to go "save" somebody else. I want all my sisters to get rip roaring ....ED. What will it take to kick these rat bastards OFF the planet?
Link to comment
Share on other sites
Dot Matrix
I felt so a kin to her words it compelled me to print it here. I feel this way about TWI, about those that cling to the lies and excuse the criminal behavior or dismiss the victims of that behavior.
I wanted to share it. It can apply to anyone you wish to "take back your power" from.
I would only change the word "hatered" to perhaps "disgust"
Here it is:
Don't Tell Me What's Wrong With Me
Raging at "Superiority"
Edited 2/18/04
Don't tell me what's wrong with me.
Don't tell me what you think you know,
what you are so sure of,
that you simply must share with me...
point out...
"express"...
shove down my throat!
with all your postures and diagrams and charts
and reasons and rationales and lofty wisdoms.
You kill my love for you by inches.
Each "telling" slams me backward 9 miles
and I look at you then through a lens
darkly and distorted
with hatred and distrust.
You think you know so much.
You think you have such large understanding of me
of my pain
of my patterns.
You don't really know me
or hear me
or see me.
And by these great truths you proclaim
(always about others...)
you show your own true colors.
The air must be thin up there,
so high up in your head.
Petty
small
narrow
ragged understandings
without compassion
or fullness
or real true understanding.
And if I dare to tell you what I feel (foolish! foolish!!!)
where I hurt (unthinkable! dangerous!!)
what I have found about myself
by my relentless movement (I wish you would notice THIS about me!!)
If by some strange courageous attempt,
I dare to tell you what I feel
... If I dare to open my heart to you ...
Don't gloat.
Don't say "I knew it"
or "I told you so"
or "That's what I thought"
or any of your
stupid
mindless
HEARTLESS
better-than
know-it-all
smug
superior
CRAP
I don't care if you ARE right.
I don't care what you see...
what you know...
what you think you know.
This telling, this gloating, this "I'm so smart"
is your way of ensuring your survival.
But I don't care if you survive.
Because your survival depends on my wrongness
On the wrongness of everyone you meet.
I feel it with every breath you snort in my direction.
It slams me back 9 miles
and I see you through a dark lens
hideous and distorted
You are a lurking beast
heartless
a huge balloon head atop mangled shoulders
You go about busily
feeding your head with
critical knowings.
Feeding the furnace of
the better-than, know-it-all, smug, superior, CRAP machine.
Do you hear me?
Will you ever hear me?
Or will you bolster your position again?
Tell yourself that this is "justified"?
That this is your "free expression" of how you feel
and therefore should be allowed
should be swallowed
should be chewed and savored and blessed
and then begged for...
(thank you sir may I have another?!!)
It's a lie you tell yourself
Feeding your head,
feeding the dark consciousness hovering over your shoulder,
grinning at me gleefully.
Perhaps superiority is the only "feeling" you know.
Perhaps you don't know anything else.
And you wield the knife of guilt
sharpened and honed...
You require that we bow and scrape
and accept and allow
and beg for more.
To be "good", we must become proper little supplicants
practicing our willingness,
open our mouths and turn our cheeks,
smiling, staying in the game...
bare our backsides and let you you "teach" us
the error of our ways.
What's worse...
You demonstrate how it should be done
how to swallow the bitter pill
and like it.
You "take" instruction
you listen and nod and allow
you chew and savor and swallow
you thank your tormentor and
ask for more.
Then you smile at me and say
"See, that's how it's done."
So good you are.
So grown up.
So evolved.
So kind to show me how to be a better person,
if I could only be just like you.
You carelessly slice and dice
and watch me bleed with aloof disinterest,
and judgments, so thin and piercing.
I have no weapon to return the wound you inflict.
I have no way to reach your absent heart.
Go.
Be gone.
Feed your head elsewhere.
Chew on somebody else's tender core.
Mine is not for you.
Not anymore.
Link to comment
Share on other sites
Dot Matrix
Healing!
I found this on that website and although I do not agree with all of the things they believe I think they have a strong grip on healing so I will post their things -- giving credit to them of course....
Beliefs and healing our pain
The first weapon I give you in this fight is REMEMBERING. It is time to remember.
You must remember 3 things:
1.Who you are
2.Your past
3.What you are afraid of Waking up and remembering is the hardest thing you will ever do.
It will take all your courage and all your commitment. But you must do it. You must do it with me if we are to live (and we have a right to live). Make no mistake, this is a war. We must be guerilla fighters - always under cover, in small groups of 2's, 3's and 4's. Until we have remembered and become strong enough, our fight must be with ourselves and the dream we have escaped into. Before we can use the weapon of remembering in our fight to survive, we must understand why we do not remember.
Why we don’t remember
We don’t remember because it is too painful. Every experience you have had is stored somewhere in your memory banks. Along with the memories is the pain you felt during that experience. Pain does not go away just because we refuse to acknowledge that we feel it. All it does is to go out of our awareness. If you resist your feelings, you will not be able to remember.
So, our second weapon is ACCEPTANCE OF OUR FEELINGS.
We must come to know and understand our feelings if we are to accept them. First we must overcome our fear of them. To do that we must learn their purpose, how they function, and their value. When we understand our feelings, they become our great ally - our help and our salvation. I do not say this lightly. Our emotions are our greatest strength - now in our fight to survive - and always - if we understand them. Because their purpose is to tell us the truth about ourselves: when we love, when we are hurt, when we are angry and when we are afraid. How can we live well if we do not have this knowledge of ourselves to guide us?
How can we live sanely and lovingly if we do not let ourselves know how we feel?In order to learn to accept our feelings, we must look at some of the beliefs we have about them. We are afraid of our feelings because we are told many lies about them. Our beliefs make us afraid of what we feel.
Lies We Believe About Feelings
Weapon Three
The third weapon in our fight to survive is CHANGING OUR BELIEFS.
We all have a set of beliefs that are a major part of us and have been with us from our first experiences. Beliefs are not a part of our consciousness, but have a life below the surface in our unconscious mind. We are never free of our beliefs and we create our lives based on what we believe.
Our Belief System is created by those closest to us, by our experiences and by the beliefs that are held by the world and its institutions. Changing these beliefs will be a part of our fight to survive, because most of our beliefs are lies and they cripple us. Mistaken beliefs keep us from being who we truly are. How do we begin the process of changing our beliefs? We can begin by looking at our decisions.
Weapon Four
The fourth weapon in the fight to survive is to EXAMINE YOUR DECISIONS
- bad ones and good ones and those that happened by default (by not making a decision when one was needed). Our decisions can show us what our beliefs are.
Because our decisions are always based on
1.the painful experiences we must remember
2.our feelings (hurt, fear, anger)
3.our mistaken beliefs.
By looking at our decisions, we can trace the reasons for the decisions we made, or are in the process of making. We can find the beliefs, especially those beliefs we have about ourselves, that cause us to make decisions for our lives that do not work. Then we must go back to the memories and feelings that drove us to make those decisions.
I know I have made this seem simple. And I know it is very hard. But to help in this process, I have tools that will make it easer. Even if you were unable to use any of the weapons, we could still win our fight and survive, if we just committed to using the Tools. The tools will bring you home.
http://www.cyquest.com/pathway/true_story.html
Link to comment
Share on other sites
Dot Matrix
Next the tools:
http://www.cyquest.com/pathway/tools.html
Remember take what you can away from what they share, you do not have to accept everything they believe.
I am a Christian who believes in a saviour. But I do think I need to hold his hand and go back and look at what went into the buliding of "me". So, I am asking jesus to walk with me back to the bricks that were laid in my foundation so I can change.
Link to comment
Share on other sites
Dot Matrix
This is agreat tool she sited:
The sorrow which has no vent in tears may make other organs weep. ~ Henry Maudsley
This second tool is a tool of the emotions, or soul. It is also the connecting point for the body and the soul, or the place where body and soul align and work together. This is the tool of Crying.
Of all the weapons and all the tools, the Crying Tool is the star.
It is a simple process — after all, every child knows how to cry—but it will be hard to do because we have all been systematically taught not to cry since we were born.
But the importance of crying is world shaking!
If you were only allowed to do one thing—you should cry.
If you only had limited time and energy, you should use your available time and energy to cry.
If you had to fight to maintain your movement forward—you should fight for crying.
Crying — by itself — will lead to
remembering
accepting feelings
changing beliefs
making new decisions
ending our slavery
and going home.
Feelings and their purpose
The purpose of feelings is so that you will know how you respond to an experience. Your feelings will tell you if it is a pleasant experience or a painful one. But if you do not listen to the feelings, you will not know.
Our feelings are filled with important information; information about what is going on in our world and what our response is to those experiences. However, feelings give you their wisdom only if they are allowed to move in you and through you. Feelings must be released through their natural process to be of value. The place that holds your feelings (in the unconscious) has great wisdom for you. It is your wisdom, but it is being withheld from you. (??Why do we have a conscious and an unconscious??)
You cannot accept your feelings if you are standing outside of them, watching them. To accept your feelings you must experience them. You must place your point of consciousness within the feelings that have been stored in your unconscious.
After the moment of placing your consciousness in your feelings, there must be a shift. Until now, the part of you that thinks of itself as you, has been in control. But in order to let your feelings express, your control must shift. Control must be given to the part of you that feels. And this makes you “feel” vulnerable because “you” don’t want to lose control. However, the part of you that feels is also “you.” And it is an important part of you; a part that can give you strength, wisdom, integrity and purpose, and can help you in all your endeavors.
To cry, you must re-learn how.
There are three phases to the process, described here:
Three steps of the emotional healing process.
Warning
We have lost the ability to move our emotions naturally, and in its place have put a useless and dangerous practice called "acting out."
We act out our feelings in the world and on ourselves, rather than actually feel and process them. Acting out is like a child playing house. It looks like house, but it is not really.
In acting out, we take emotions and play them out.
We yell and scream and get cross with people (especially children) and act out our anger. We get sad and depressed and act out our grief.
We go to scary movies and do dangerous activities so we can act out our fear.
Why do we act out rather than process our feelings properly? Because in acting out we believe we are strong. Acting out gives us the illusion that we are in charge. Acting out means I don’t have to feel my real feelings — I can pretend instead.
There is no reconciliation in acting out.
There is no relief in acting out.
There is no understanding in acting out.
When acting out, we either hurt others or ourselves.
Feelings processed properly bring relief and instruct us about ourselves.
Feelings processed properly never hurt anyone or anything.
Feelings processed properly bring understanding, wisdom and love.
You must be careful not to get side tracked into acting out. All the forces that want to keep you enslaved, encourage you to act out your feelings rather than release them, because that is how they keep us enslaved.
Heck Dovey had her son die and was forbidden to talk about it or to cry. She was too just go on as if nothing ever happened, TWI took away her simple right to FEEL and to cry as a result of those feelings...
(But David cried out to God -- maybe they forgot that!)
Link to comment
Share on other sites
Dot Matrix
If you like what you have read here are some more healing keys
http://www.cyquest.com/pathway/menu.html
Link to comment
Share on other sites
Shellon
WHOA! I'm sorry I missed this, 'til now.
Thank you Dot, Thank you
Link to comment
Share on other sites
cheranne
I just found this,thanks dot.
Link to comment
Share on other sites
RainbowsGirl
Thank You ((((Dot))))),
I see a lot of different things in this and I believe it to be fragments of my own story and the stories here that I have read.
I don't agree with everything at this site either.....but it would be impossible not to relate to this posters excruciating pain and Her search for healing and recovery and relief!!!
This really spoke to my heart, it is so well put, it is what The Evan said on... Abi's "Losing The Way" Kristen Skedgell Thread:
Aug 30 2008, 06:33 AM Post #70
The Evan: quote
" Keith, I think the short answer is that deviant sexual predators have an uncanny 'nose' for the vulnerable, those whose fences aren't solidly in place. People that have been abused simply don't have the equipment to escape on their own and the abuser senses this. It's heartbreaking to think that the most fragile...those on need of gentlest treatment, instead got carefully set up and abused in the most callous manner."
Rainbows Girl - This IMHO seems to be the irrefutable answer to the question of "Why did YOU allow this this happen to You" (edited to add this}
The Evan's continued qoute: "I loved the book. I, too, was able to identify a great many characters in the drama.
I had lots of red flags about Der Veg but kept getting stopped by thinking similar to what Kris expressed. And I wasn't being abused. Abuse submerges you in a unique 'fog' that makes
clear thinking nigh impossible."
Edited by RainbowsGirlLink to comment
Share on other sites
Dot Matrix
There is stuff to learn here for sure.
I love this
Link to comment
Share on other sites
Dot Matrix
:)
Link to comment
Share on other sites
Join the conversation
You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.