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Jury Instructions for the BOD and minions


Ham
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OK. I know this is another nice "what if" deal, but suppose some of our dreams come true, and the BOD and crew find themselves facing "Da Jury".

Being the kind and generous folk that we are, perhaps we should offer them some advice to help them get off the hook. I was thinking:

1. Learn to Cry. Hard, and for a long time. Some jury members may be impressed.

2. If you cannot learn to cry, there still may be some options. Pay Lind** to work you over with his stick. Dark, depressed, sagging eyes may have the same effect, second only to crying your eyes out through the whole trial.

3. Go to one of the cheapest second hand clothing establishments that you can find. Don't wanna give the impression that you have any money.

4. If you're Rosie, consider not wearing make up. That's gotta make somebody feel sorry for you.

5. Rosie should forego the "treatment" with the stick. Probably not make a bit of difference.

6. A couple of Zoloft and a handful of valiums may help.

I could keep going, but won't spoil all the fun.. any other good suggestions?

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I thought a little about that. It would be funny if they were "cursed" and HAD to tell the truth for a day.. reminds me of Jim Carey in "Liar, Liar", the bathroom scene where he's trying to fabricate an excuse for having a continuance. "What are you doing?" "I'm beating the he** out of myself."

But I think that is what the half bottle of tranquilzers is for. Helps them say anything.

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Wayfer Not, I think you are right.. I think they kept the cussing to a minimum so kids could watch it.

Steve, I think you have a real point. I will revise it, "if you are Rosie, consider using a minimum of makeup. That's gotta make somebody feel sorry for you".

Would not want to scare the jury too much. They might vote to lock em up and throw away the key just on instinct for survival.

How about, number 7!

7. If you find it difficult or next to impossible to tell the truth (pretty likely scenario), and by some stroke of stupidity you find your self on the stand under cross examination, answer incriminating questions with a double negative. "truly, at no time did I never support abuse of any kind". Keep saying this while keeping the mistaken notion that "da jury" is gonna buy it.

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It's would be advisable to practice actually answering questions since you will not be able to answer a question with a question or question the motive and heart behind the questions of the prosecuting attorney. (p.s. his motive is to bring you down and we hope he succeeds!)

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OK Belle, you get the dubious honor of presenting Nr. 8..

How about for nr. 9, and I hope "Mr." Linder is still taking good notes:

9. Another good strategy would be to shave your head, eyebrows, in short all visible hair on your body. When things become even more tense for you in the courtroom, start chanting. Not really loud, but loud enough that you know you are noticed.

Continue chanting at various times, acting as if you cannot hear the judges instructions for you to do otherwise.

This can often times help if you choose to enter an insanity plea.

This may be helpful,not only at trials, but during pesky, uncomfortable depositions.

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10. A glazed look in your eyes will have a important contribution confirming insanity when mixed with chanting. This can easily be achieved by consuming a corpulent amount of tequila. The key then is to keep your eyes open. Indeed, you may not hear the judge instructing you regarding the chanting. A safer substitute is often practiced, sitting in a closed dark room, listening to "Beautiful Ohio" or "Earl the Christmas Squirrel" for several hours before the trial.

Edited by Mr. Hammeroni
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They should just thank their lucky stars if they get an impartial judge. A jury would be an absolute luxury!

When we were - - confronted - - most of us were ripped an additional opening and some of us had no idea what we had done wrong, or why it was wrong.

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12. Remove all sharp objects from your pockets. This includes knives, sharpened pencils, pens etc. Carefully place them in the supplied pouch. Sit on the floor beneath the evidence table. Curl up as tight as you can, kiss your a** goodbye.

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quote:
9. Another good strategy would be to shave your head, eyebrows, in short all visible hair on your body. When things become even more tense for you in the courtroom, start chanting. Not really loud, but loud enough that you know you are noticed.

Continue chanting at various times, acting as if you cannot hear the judges instructions for you to do otherwise.

This can often times help if you choose to enter an insanity plea.


Instead of chanting, Speak In Tounges at inappropriate times (1 Cor 14:23). That coupled with your statements telling everyone that it's God speaking through you is sure fire to get you declared insane! icon_biggrin.gif:D-->

Technobyte

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