quote:In my experience - sometime parents who cover for their kids aren't really doing it for their kids per se.....they're doing it to cover for their own inadequacies as parents.
It's not so much to cover for the child, keep the child on track as it is to punnish themselves for something they think they didn't do....some shortcoming they perceive about themselves.
This reminds me of the crap I took from society when I gave my daughter 10 minutes to get a tampon and a toothbrush and get out of my house.
This was after 2 plus years of hell for all three of us and it was well past time she left, for all our sakes. What did it for me was finally realizing that her little sister, who was 5 at the time, was witnessing this mess with her mama and sister.
I excused my kids behavior because of her dad's death, leaving a cult and all her friends, moving across the country, the wrong friends, yada yada. I gave her alot of wriggle room, while tightening my own.
For me, it was 'get her through high school, just get that far'. She did. Then I ate it for another 9 months. Something hit me upside the head one night in the middle of another battle with her. No, it wasn't something she was throwing.
I was not helping her in any way, shape or form.
I was doing her sister a massive dis-service.
One of us had to go. I was the one paying the rent and buying the fruit loops.
It was HELL! I wallowed in what I was sure was my child's demise at her own mother's hand.
She'd call me at 11 P.M. hungry, cold, needing a place to stay. I sobbed out no every time.
She slept in her car on march stormy nights in the freezing north.
She slept on friends couches.
She kept calling, I changed my phone number.
She'd stop by wanting to pick something up, I'd tell her to come back in an hour, leave it on the porch and her sister and I would go somewhere else.
I wanted to fix it for her and beg her to come home every single moment of every day. At one point, we met at a local diner and I offered to have her come home IF she'd do this and that and some other things. She said she couldn't do those things.
I paid the meal check and left.
Hell, I say, pure hell!
However.....it's now almost exactly four years later, this child is amazing! She's one of the most responsible people I've ever ever known, she keeps her word, she works hard, she pays her own way, she's bought her own home, she's stayed put in a healthy relationship.
If this women were not my child, I'd sure want her as a dear dear friend.
Would she have done so well under differant circumstances? I like to think so, but the doubts linger.
This change in her was none of my doing. She was the one that had to do the hardest work. She was the one that had to make up her mind to make up her mind.
Humans are the only species that take 18 plus years to raise their offspring.
I'm crazy in love with my children. I will do anything in the world that I can for them, and I do.
But I won't teach them that it's ok to use and abuse their mother.
This child is about to be a mother herself!
:)-->
A mother holds her children's hand for a little while, but their hearts forever.
Parents who unquestioningly believe everything that their "little angels" tell them are fools. Parents who never back up their children are cruel.
What a great statement, Oak. And such a fine line to find sometimes.
Funny story. Aaron has to sit in detention today after school for passing notes (the usual 2nd grade stuff - so and so loves so and so, etc.) .
He has denied and denied that he was the one who wrote them. I have studied them and studied them and I am not convinced it is his handwriting. I also not convinced it's not. I just don't know for sure.
But on this one, for a change I got to play the good guy. I got to tell him I believed him, but that I didn't think I could fix it for him, and he was probably going to have to do the detention anyway.
{If this had been a more serious situation with more serious consequences I would have fought my way to the principal's office, but in this case it just wasn't necessary and it's good for him to learn mom can't fix everything.}
For him, it was enough that I believed him. He's actually kind of excited about detention (strange kid). He's never had a detention before and he wants to know what it's all about. I figure by the time it is over, he will think twice about doing anything that will get him a detention again. ;)-->
But he will survive it knowing his mom believes in him.
You are blessed to have friends like that. We have some "friends" that see us in church only and talk about community but for hanging out forget it.
In the Way, our friends wer pretty much conditional on what we believed. I remember that. Rare is a true friend. I would do anything for a person like that. My wife is my best friend.
One thing that a lot of parents don't realize is that very young children will tell what is not the objective truth without batting an eye.
Why?
Not because they are necessarily trying to deceive, but because, as "the center of the universe", the way they want things to be is the way things are. The way that they feel becomes reality. Why do you think that a child cries that a parent "yelled" at them when the parent was talking in what they thought was a normal tone of voice?
Eventually we teach our children that the way that they see things is not necessarily the way things are. Children who never learn this and move into adulthood with the same center-of-the-universe mindset have problems. Some of the same kind of problems that we've been talking about.
Shell, God love ya for having the guts to do what your daughter needed. Your story broke my heart. I can't imagine anything harder than what you did. I'm so glad it turned out so well for you and your girls.
I was a single mom single mom have to be tough and not always becuase it is good for the kids sometimes for me it was survival of all of us.
but I have this family and I have relative who never had children of their own.. they "do not get it" like shellon said or they act out of guilt for not ever getting their own like Linda said and they often one in particular would get involved and as you say rescue my kids from consequences they had brought on their self.
I have one child who still uses this person but the person feels this is love/ I cant tolerate alot of the taxi stuff either I just do not want to make the time for people who do not wnat the hassle of owning a car and paying for it but have no issue with me driving in a snowstorm an hour there and back because it is to cold to take the bus in the weather.
Linda those type of people are difficult to deal with so how do we remain without problems when one has such in a family? I do and she does always has done for the certain ones she feels she wants to. It makes me angry because it is only her "choice ones she will give money or rides or whatever or let them live with her not all. It has often made me look like a cruel task master without a heart when she does that. I know her motive the kids just used her issue because they could.
I kind of feel sorry for her myself and I do not take the pressure Shellon spoke of whe she threw her daughter out. I know it and it can hurt but I got busy doing my own life more and more when the kids grew up and when they call now Im the one with something better to do.. mostly if its trouble or money. See I do not know if they ever do stop and become gratful my youngest is very thankful and her friends are great.
But I still have one child her her mid twenties who I could make the moon and star for and she would still claim I was not good enough. I give up and just do the best I can and try to stay happy in my own life.
Recommended Posts
Tom Strange
Link to comment
Share on other sites
Shellon
This reminds me of the crap I took from society when I gave my daughter 10 minutes to get a tampon and a toothbrush and get out of my house.
This was after 2 plus years of hell for all three of us and it was well past time she left, for all our sakes. What did it for me was finally realizing that her little sister, who was 5 at the time, was witnessing this mess with her mama and sister.
I excused my kids behavior because of her dad's death, leaving a cult and all her friends, moving across the country, the wrong friends, yada yada. I gave her alot of wriggle room, while tightening my own.
For me, it was 'get her through high school, just get that far'. She did. Then I ate it for another 9 months. Something hit me upside the head one night in the middle of another battle with her. No, it wasn't something she was throwing.
I was not helping her in any way, shape or form.
I was doing her sister a massive dis-service.
One of us had to go. I was the one paying the rent and buying the fruit loops.
It was HELL! I wallowed in what I was sure was my child's demise at her own mother's hand.
She'd call me at 11 P.M. hungry, cold, needing a place to stay. I sobbed out no every time.
She slept in her car on march stormy nights in the freezing north.
She slept on friends couches.
She kept calling, I changed my phone number.
She'd stop by wanting to pick something up, I'd tell her to come back in an hour, leave it on the porch and her sister and I would go somewhere else.
I wanted to fix it for her and beg her to come home every single moment of every day. At one point, we met at a local diner and I offered to have her come home IF she'd do this and that and some other things. She said she couldn't do those things.
I paid the meal check and left.
Hell, I say, pure hell!
However.....it's now almost exactly four years later, this child is amazing! She's one of the most responsible people I've ever ever known, she keeps her word, she works hard, she pays her own way, she's bought her own home, she's stayed put in a healthy relationship.
If this women were not my child, I'd sure want her as a dear dear friend.
Would she have done so well under differant circumstances? I like to think so, but the doubts linger.
This change in her was none of my doing. She was the one that had to do the hardest work. She was the one that had to make up her mind to make up her mind.
Humans are the only species that take 18 plus years to raise their offspring.
I'm crazy in love with my children. I will do anything in the world that I can for them, and I do.
But I won't teach them that it's ok to use and abuse their mother.
This child is about to be a mother herself!
A mother holds her children's hand for a little while, but their hearts forever.
(who wrote that?)
Link to comment
Share on other sites
Abigail
Parents who unquestioningly believe everything that their "little angels" tell them are fools. Parents who never back up their children are cruel.
What a great statement, Oak. And such a fine line to find sometimes.
Funny story. Aaron has to sit in detention today after school for passing notes (the usual 2nd grade stuff - so and so loves so and so, etc.) .
He has denied and denied that he was the one who wrote them. I have studied them and studied them and I am not convinced it is his handwriting. I also not convinced it's not. I just don't know for sure.
But on this one, for a change I got to play the good guy. I got to tell him I believed him, but that I didn't think I could fix it for him, and he was probably going to have to do the detention anyway.
{If this had been a more serious situation with more serious consequences I would have fought my way to the principal's office, but in this case it just wasn't necessary and it's good for him to learn mom can't fix everything.}
For him, it was enough that I believed him. He's actually kind of excited about detention (strange kid). He's never had a detention before and he wants to know what it's all about. I figure by the time it is over, he will think twice about doing anything that will get him a detention again.
;)-->
But he will survive it knowing his mom believes in him.
Link to comment
Share on other sites
Eagle
Reikilady:
You are blessed to have friends like that. We have some "friends" that see us in church only and talk about community but for hanging out forget it.
In the Way, our friends wer pretty much conditional on what we believed. I remember that. Rare is a true friend. I would do anything for a person like that. My wife is my best friend.
Link to comment
Share on other sites
Oakspear
One thing that a lot of parents don't realize is that very young children will tell what is not the objective truth without batting an eye.
Why?
Not because they are necessarily trying to deceive, but because, as "the center of the universe", the way they want things to be is the way things are. The way that they feel becomes reality. Why do you think that a child cries that a parent "yelled" at them when the parent was talking in what they thought was a normal tone of voice?
Eventually we teach our children that the way that they see things is not necessarily the way things are. Children who never learn this and move into adulthood with the same center-of-the-universe mindset have problems. Some of the same kind of problems that we've been talking about.
Link to comment
Share on other sites
Linda Z
Shell, God love ya for having the guts to do what your daughter needed. Your story broke my heart. I can't imagine anything harder than what you did. I'm so glad it turned out so well for you and your girls.
Whoever said being parents is easy...lied!!
Link to comment
Share on other sites
Shellon
No kidding Linda.
Like nailing jello to a tree
Link to comment
Share on other sites
mj412
this thread is good for me.
I was a single mom single mom have to be tough and not always becuase it is good for the kids sometimes for me it was survival of all of us.
but I have this family and I have relative who never had children of their own.. they "do not get it" like shellon said or they act out of guilt for not ever getting their own like Linda said and they often one in particular would get involved and as you say rescue my kids from consequences they had brought on their self.
I have one child who still uses this person but the person feels this is love/ I cant tolerate alot of the taxi stuff either I just do not want to make the time for people who do not wnat the hassle of owning a car and paying for it but have no issue with me driving in a snowstorm an hour there and back because it is to cold to take the bus in the weather.
Linda those type of people are difficult to deal with so how do we remain without problems when one has such in a family? I do and she does always has done for the certain ones she feels she wants to. It makes me angry because it is only her "choice ones she will give money or rides or whatever or let them live with her not all. It has often made me look like a cruel task master without a heart when she does that. I know her motive the kids just used her issue because they could.
I kind of feel sorry for her myself and I do not take the pressure Shellon spoke of whe she threw her daughter out. I know it and it can hurt but I got busy doing my own life more and more when the kids grew up and when they call now Im the one with something better to do.. mostly if its trouble or money. See I do not know if they ever do stop and become gratful my youngest is very thankful and her friends are great.
But I still have one child her her mid twenties who I could make the moon and star for and she would still claim I was not good enough. I give up and just do the best I can and try to stay happy in my own life.
Link to comment
Share on other sites
Join the conversation
You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.