Letter to America by John Cleese

[Oakspear]

Subject: Letter To America

Personal Letter from John Cleese

To the citizens of the United States of America, In the light of your

failure to elect a competent President of the USA and thus to govern

yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence,

effective today. Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume

monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories.

Except Utah, which she does not fancy. Your new prime minister (The Right

Honourable Tony Blair, MP for the 97.85% of you who have until now been

unaware that there is a world outside your borders) will appoint a minister

for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate

will be disbanded. A questionnaire will be circulated next year to

determine whether any of you noticed. To aid in the transition to a British

Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate

effect:

1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then

look up "aluminium". Check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at

just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. The letter 'U' will be

reinstated in words such as 'favour' and 'neighbour', skipping the letter

'U' is nothing more than laziness on your part. Likewise, you will learn to

spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters. You will end your love

affair with the letter 'Z' (pronounced 'zed' not 'zee') and the suffix

"ize" will be replaced by the suffix "ise". You will learn that the suffix

'burgh is pronounced 'burra' e.g. Edinburgh. You are welcome to respell

Pittsburgh as 'Pittsberg' if you can't cope with correct pronunciation.

Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up

"vocabulary". Using the same twenty seven words interspersed with filler

noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient

form of communication. Look up "interspersed". There will be no more

'bleeps' in the Jerry Springer show. If you're not old enough to cope

with bad language then you shouldn't have chat shows. When you learn to

develop your vocabulary then you won't have to use bad language as often.

2. There is no such thing as "US English". We will let Microsoft know on

your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account

of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of "-ize".

3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents. It

really isn't that hard. English accents are not limited to cockney,

upper-class twit or Mancunian (Daphne in Frasier). You will also have to

learn how to understand regional accents - Scottish dramas such as

"Taggart" will no longer be broadcast with subtitles. While we're talking

about regions, you must learn that there is no such place as Devonshire in

England. The name of the county is "Devon". If you persist in calling it

Devonshire, all American States will become "shires" e.g. Texasshire,

Floridashire, Louisianashire.

4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the

good guys. Hollywood will be required to cast English actors to play

English characters. British sit-coms such as "Men Behaving Badly" or "Red

Dwarf" will not be re-cast and watered down for a wishy-washy

American audience who can't cope with the humour of occasional political

incorrectness.

5. You should relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The Queen",

but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want you to get

confused and give up half way through.

6. You should stop playing American "football". There is only one kind of

football. What you refer to as American "football" is not a very good game.

The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your borders

may have noticed that no one else plays "American" football. You will no

longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper football.

Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. It is a

difficult game. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed

to play rugby (which is similar to American "football", but does not

involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar

body armour like nancies). We are hoping to get together at least a US

Rugby sevens side by 2005.

You should stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event

called the 'World Series' for a game which is not played outside of

America. Since only 2.15% of you are aware that there is a world beyond

your borders, your error is understandable. Instead of baseball, you will

be allowed to play a girls' game called "rounders" which is baseball

without fancy team strip, oversized gloves, collector cards or hotdogs.

7. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry guns. You will no longer

be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous in public than a

vegetable peeler. Because we don't believe you are sensible enough to

handle potentially dangerous items, you will require a permit if you wish

to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 2nd will be a new

national holiday, but only in England. It will be called "Indecisive Day".

9. All road intersections will be replaced with roundabouts. You will

start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will

go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion

tables. Roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British

sense of humour.

10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries

are not real chips. Fries aren't even French, they are Belgian though

97.85% of you (including the guy who discovered fries while in Europe) are

not aware of a country called Belgium. Those things you insist on calling

potato chips are properly called "crisps". Real chips are thick cut and

fried in animal fat. The traditional accompaniment to chips is beer which

should be served warm and flat. Waitresses will be trained to be more

aggressive with customers.

11. As a sign of penance 5 grams of sea salt per cup will be added to all

tea made within the Commonwealth of Massachusetts, this quantity to be

doubled for tea made within the city of Boston itself.

12. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually

beer at all, it is lager. From November 1st only proper British Bitter will

be referred to as "beer", and European brews of known and accepted

provenance will be referred to as "Lager". The substances formerly known as

"American Beer" will henceforth be referred to as "Near-Frozen Knat's

Urine", with the exception of the product of the American Budweiser company

whose products will be referred to as "Weak Near-Frozen Knat's Urine". This

will allow true Budweiser (as manufactured for the last 1000 years in

Pilsen, Czech Republic) to be sold without risk of confusion.

13. From November 10th the UK will harmonise petrol (or "Gasoline" as you

will be permitted to keep calling it until April 1st 2005) prices with the

former USA. The UK will harmonise its prices to those of the former USA and

the Former USA will, in return, adopt UK petrol prices (roughly $6/US

gallon - get used to it).

14. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers

or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows

that you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled

by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing

someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not grown up enough to

handle a gun.

15. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy. Tax

collectors from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure

the acquisition of all revenues due (backdated to 1776).

16. Last but not the least, and for heaven's sake.....it's Nuclear as in

"clear" NOT Nucular.

Thank you for your co-operation and have a great day.

[dmiller]

:D-->

I agree with the "U" part of it!

[outandabout]

HEY, our neighborhood HAS a roundabout. It's starting!!!!

[Zixar]

That's an old letter, and it's doubtful that Cleese actually wrote it. The original was attributed to his character "Basil Fawlty".

[ex70sHouston]

My O My am I glad I live in Texas. We were never part of the British Empire.

I don't remember all the statistics but you can bet that we will be exporting all that $6.00 a gallon gasoline.

And if you don't mind we'll go ahead and keep good old G W Bush. He was a right fine govenor and we could use him back.

If it really came down to it I would be willing to learn Spanish before I let the King screw-up how I speak American.

By the way all those guns the english people no longer have. They're all in Texas.

[reikilady]

You do fine work, Oakspear! I say fine work!

[Trefor Heywood]

I have seen different versions of this from time to time, it's most certainly not a new epistle.

I met John Cleese when I was at University, he was Lord Rector of St Andrews at the time.