What I know about situations that I feel I can't do anything about where people are less than wonderful is that the more I dwell on it, the more I am not a peace and derail doing what is in front of me to do and that causes issues.
It's like I get hurt twice when I let things get to me. I stop paying attention to what I need to do for the house, errands, etc. and it is unproductive. If I stop, drop it(let go of what is bugging me that I can't do anything about it), and take action on what I can do something about life has more serenity.
You can't change the step-daughters and you can't change Bob. You can work something out where the daughter doesn't come to you with her hand out for the insurance policy. Couldn't you have it taken out of your checking account and paid directly to the policy since Bob is insisting that this be given to them?
It's an irksome situation and it's understandable that it is getting to you. One thing that might help is if you think of the step-daughters taking up rent free space in their head and if you want to GIVE that to them. Take your back your power by saying "I lovingly take back my power."
These are just some things that I have learned and when I fail to practice them...I suffer...and I thank-you for the reminder of what control I do have over situations...Much more than I could imagine...
There are 3 phrases that I use that are AWESOME...Atleast they have worked for me and others...Peace BE Still!!!! Love this... Used it a lot when Sami was little... She screamed and carried on when I would bring her home from day care until dinner was on the table...Peace be still...is sounds so soothing... Something Good is going to come out of this!!! That affirmation is sending a message out that you are willing to accept something good from a situation...Your inviting good into your life with that one! When something is really bugging me...I say "Thank-you God/Goddess for this situation" and I usually feel a big sense of relief and know I will get a treasure trove of learning from it and it's like a huge burden has been lifted off my shoulders...
The last one is Namaste "The Divine in me sees the divine in you" and You can subsitute God for the divine!!! This one is great when you are around people that you don't like or sense they don't like you... There was a gal that was a friend of a friend of mine and when we were all together she would almost look right through me and act very rude. I started using this phrase around her and she was more pleasant and so was I!
Please take these ideas as a menu that you can order off of or leave behind...I apreciate the opportunity to share them...I wish you all the best in your situation with your step-daughters.
I think a serious conversation with 'Bob' about enabling these girl's behavior is in order.
The life-insurance policy may have made much more sense when the girls were little, meaning when Bob was their source of income and support. Now that they are 'grown-up' adults they should be supporting themselves. If they still want to have some form of inheritance, then they should be paying the annual fee for 'their' policy.
As a seperate issue, if you want a policy for your children and YOU [since these ladies will certainly fight you over any of their policy], then start another policy and let Bob pay it, until your children are grown.
Good luck.
I have two neices, they are mid-30s, still live at home, and have never been 'allowed' to date. The eldest has a law degree [she commuted to college], the younger has a Liberal Arts B.A. Their father is very controlling, a deacon of the home town Baptist church. My sister recently passed away, so now it is my brother-in-law and his 2 daughters, living on their farm. When he passes away, it will be 2 elderly maiden sisters running a 400 acre grape vineyard. I dont understand some families.
Who initially took out this policy? If Bob did, with the "girls" as beneficiaries, he can always cancel the policy, or change the beneficiaries to you and your kids. If your stepdaughters took out the policy, then they should certainly pay the premiums. More to the point, though, are they married? Do they have jobs? They need to get a life! Waiting for your dad to die to collect on insurance isn't "selfish"; it's CREEPY!!
George-I agree, it is creepy....get this too, maybe you will agree with me on this being creepy...her son has really bad behavior problems...her husband had died about four years ago. One evening I was over at their house and her son was just staring at this picture. I asked him if I could see it...it was his dad in the casket!!!!! Now is that creepy?
Galen-it was their mother who died that got the policy with the understanding that the girls would keep it up. So what do you think, should they be in charge or should we just let it go?
Rieklady-you have some really good ideas, and I know your right....I will try it...it has been taking a lot of energy...when I see bob so sick I get more ....ed off. I'm trying to find a way not to be that way. Your suggestions are good!!!!
I think whats happening is that I'm starting to sound like a nag. Its just that I want so much for bob to see what I do.
And, actually this is not his real daughters, this is his step daughters. He raised them starting at the ages of 10 and 12, I think. They really have a big time manipulation on him that I haven't really been able to figure out why. Any ideas, reiklady on how to stop it?
Thanks you guys for your advice, it really helps a lot...one thing it helps to is finding out that maybe I'm not that crazy in thinking this stuff is pretty creepy as george said.
So the ladies were suppose to keep the policy going...Hmmmm!!! Bob has to be willing to stop the manipulation. Maybe you need to recognize your own beauty and talents. You could tell him your not willing to fork out the dough anymore and you feel that it's time to turn finances inward toward your marriage and children.
Hmmm... I just don't believe in messing with free will. Talking to Bob's guardian angels might help... Ask them to help Bob with this situation... Ask your own Angels to help you! Be specific! They listen and they work wonders!!!
As far as a policy for your children, if I were you I would be VERY careful to keep it separate from anyone but you and your kids. You and Bob might even decide to keep his name off of it so that those two do not try to get their claws on the money meant for your kids.
If all else fails and Bob wants to keep enabling this toxic behavior, I would just lovingly turn all communication and dealings with those two over to Bob completely, step out of it entirely (aside from being sure my children and myself were covered financially), and focus on your marriage and children.
It is not worth your peace of mind and happiness to deal with a situation you do not have control over. (besides praying)
I would keep my dealings with those two cordial, but brief and I would always pass them onto Bob whenever they want something.
I've not been in a situation like yours, since my step-family treated me like members of their own family. It's definitely a different situation.
However, a few years after my paternal grandfather died, my grandmother met a good man from her church and remarried. While he was a great guy, he was a wimp to his kids, who were horrible people. They would come over and steal stuff from my grandmother because that's what they were used to doing with their dad. My grandmother would confront them constantly, and they got sick of it and eventually stopped coming around as much. However, at some point, they started missing their dad, and compromised and abided by my grandmother's rules when they were in her house. I don't really have any advice to give you, but I would like to let you know it can be done. So don't give up, but definitely talk to your husband first.
If Bob is well enough to handle it now - let him handle it. If he's not - then tell them you've changed your position on paying this premium. They don't need a reason. "I've thought about it carefully, and I don't think it's something I should be doing now."
Give them a short deadline...like 2 months and say after such and such a date, you will have to assume full responsibility or lose the policy. And then - - follow through...grant no extensions.
Their inheritance is not your responsibility.
[sometimes, people cannot handle death and dying, so they joke about it when they cannot ignore it. I'm not making excuses for them, simply stating a fact.]
The military really pushes for servicemembers to have SGLI, which is a life insurance policy paid from your salary each month. It is not a very competative policy, and everyone is automatically signed up for a $100,000 policy while in bootcamp.
I have assisted many single sailors to cancel their SGLI policy, as being single what do they need to be paying for life-insurance for anyway? The idea of a life insurance policy being that they are supporting someone who would be left 'un-supported' in the event of your death.
Once we started collecting apartment buildings, we realized that many states require that the 'escrow' account include a life-insurance policy against the mortgage holder. In California, we found this out, and fought with the bank, as we wanted to have Bonnie as that policy's beneficiary. It is law there to have a life-insurance policy but the banks commonly are the beneficiary, and they are under no requirement to use that money to pay off the mortgage if the mortgage holder dies. While in escrow, we fought over the issue for weeks, before they finally agreed to allow Bonnie to be the beneficiary. Apparantly it is yet another method by which banks make money, they have life-insurance policys on all their mortgage holders.
Since we have these buildings, and should I die, then the buildings would then be paid off [by Bonnie, since she is the beneficiary], we decided that I still have no need for a life-insurance policy. So I have not carried SGLI either. My family is taken care of, in the event of my death. Bonnie would still have the income derived from the properties, as well as she would still have the housing for herself and children as provided by these properties. A $100,000 policy would never provide a life-long home to live in, nor would it provide a life-long income, as owning an apartment building would.
In the years that have followed these desicions, Bonnie did decide that she wanted a seperate policy against my life. I have refused to pay for it. So she pays for it. In my mind that means that she is 'betting' or 'wagering' that I will die, which is not the side of the table wherein I would desire to place my money. But she does have this policy, and she pays for it from the money that she earns. She can well do as she pleases with her money.
In the case where the chidren have reached adulthood already, I see no need for the parents to still be providing anything for them in the event of their death.
I have no idea of the best method of handling inheritance. Family members can get very ugly while fighting over the remains of a person's life.
The step daughter still isn't speaking to me...oh well. But the grandaughter came by while I was volunteering at the library in tears. She says her mother hasn't payed the rent for quite a while, their phone has been turned off, and she is going to casinos gambling and buying toys galore for her son.
For the first time in a long time I felt sorry for the kids but felt no responsibility. It felt good. I talked to bob and he has agreed that she must figure out her way. He agreed with me that we need to concentrate on this family unit we have now. We have put all our efforts and time into her and her children instead of concentrating on the kids at home.
Thanks you guys, your posts really helped me make some decisions. I know this isn't the end of it but I know I don't have to deal with it personally and hopefully bob will follow through with what he has agreed to.
About the life insurance, bob agrees to let them take care of it and if they can't pay then they have to let it go. But you never know what he will do when the time comes again. He has a soft spot for them. But then if he does I'm realizing that it would be his problem to deal with not mine.
I can't get life insurance for him right now because his health isn't all that great. But we are getting that will done so that if something does happen these girls won't rob me blind. Which is what I see happening if I don't have one.
I don't think I have ever met people like this before that are so greedy and selfish. I'm just the opposite and its hard for me to think anyone can think that way.
Vickles...It is VERY hard to think this way. Who does? (except for those who only think of themselves)
Your Bob sounds like a very fine man who tries to do what is best...it is SOOOO wonderful to have a man like that!!! My heart and prayers are FOR you and your wonderful family!!!
Take out a life insurance policy on you for your kids and family, if you can. Having those matters handled is such a great relief! Leaves you free to concentrate on the NOW of living life!!!
Our hats are off to you and Bob for the wonderful things you are doing for your family and for extended family. What a heart of love you two have!!!!
Recommended Posts
Ralph Snyder
WOW!
I don't think there is much you can do except keep rolling over for them.
Unless you want to start WW III.
good luck
Link to comment
Share on other sites
vickles
thanks, I think I might already have....
:(-->
Link to comment
Share on other sites
Shellon
These ladies are in their MID THIRTIES?
Holy shi+!
Til daddy says no, keeps saying no......
It won't change, IMO.
What he allows is what he teaches is ok.
MID THIRTIES?
Step families, blended families, all that takes so damn much work on everyone part.
Not just yours.
Link to comment
Share on other sites
reikilady
What I know about situations that I feel I can't do anything about where people are less than wonderful is that the more I dwell on it, the more I am not a peace and derail doing what is in front of me to do and that causes issues.
It's like I get hurt twice when I let things get to me. I stop paying attention to what I need to do for the house, errands, etc. and it is unproductive. If I stop, drop it(let go of what is bugging me that I can't do anything about it), and take action on what I can do something about life has more serenity.
You can't change the step-daughters and you can't change Bob. You can work something out where the daughter doesn't come to you with her hand out for the insurance policy. Couldn't you have it taken out of your checking account and paid directly to the policy since Bob is insisting that this be given to them?
It's an irksome situation and it's understandable that it is getting to you. One thing that might help is if you think of the step-daughters taking up rent free space in their head and if you want to GIVE that to them. Take your back your power by saying "I lovingly take back my power."
These are just some things that I have learned and when I fail to practice them...I suffer...and I thank-you for the reminder of what control I do have over situations...Much more than I could imagine...
There are 3 phrases that I use that are AWESOME...Atleast they have worked for me and others...Peace BE Still!!!! Love this... Used it a lot when Sami was little... She screamed and carried on when I would bring her home from day care until dinner was on the table...Peace be still...is sounds so soothing... Something Good is going to come out of this!!! That affirmation is sending a message out that you are willing to accept something good from a situation...Your inviting good into your life with that one! When something is really bugging me...I say "Thank-you God/Goddess for this situation" and I usually feel a big sense of relief and know I will get a treasure trove of learning from it and it's like a huge burden has been lifted off my shoulders...
The last one is Namaste "The Divine in me sees the divine in you" and You can subsitute God for the divine!!! This one is great when you are around people that you don't like or sense they don't like you... There was a gal that was a friend of a friend of mine and when we were all together she would almost look right through me and act very rude. I started using this phrase around her and she was more pleasant and so was I!
Please take these ideas as a menu that you can order off of or leave behind...I apreciate the opportunity to share them...I wish you all the best in your situation with your step-daughters.
Link to comment
Share on other sites
Steve!
I can't believe that you give them the money!
So they'll have a fit. So let them.
Link to comment
Share on other sites
waterbuffalo
Yeah, so let them. No payey, no collectey.
Link to comment
Share on other sites
Galen
I think a serious conversation with 'Bob' about enabling these girl's behavior is in order.
The life-insurance policy may have made much more sense when the girls were little, meaning when Bob was their source of income and support. Now that they are 'grown-up' adults they should be supporting themselves. If they still want to have some form of inheritance, then they should be paying the annual fee for 'their' policy.
As a seperate issue, if you want a policy for your children and YOU [since these ladies will certainly fight you over any of their policy], then start another policy and let Bob pay it, until your children are grown.
Good luck.
I have two neices, they are mid-30s, still live at home, and have never been 'allowed' to date. The eldest has a law degree [she commuted to college], the younger has a Liberal Arts B.A. Their father is very controlling, a deacon of the home town Baptist church. My sister recently passed away, so now it is my brother-in-law and his 2 daughters, living on their farm. When he passes away, it will be 2 elderly maiden sisters running a 400 acre grape vineyard. I dont understand some families.
:-)
Link to comment
Share on other sites
GeorgeStGeorge
I'm a bit confused.
--> 
--> 
-->
Who initially took out this policy? If Bob did, with the "girls" as beneficiaries, he can always cancel the policy, or change the beneficiaries to you and your kids. If your stepdaughters took out the policy, then they should certainly pay the premiums. More to the point, though, are they married? Do they have jobs? They need to get a life! Waiting for your dad to die to collect on insurance isn't "selfish"; it's CREEPY!!
George
Link to comment
Share on other sites
reikilady
I like that idea!!!
Link to comment
Share on other sites
vickles
George-I agree, it is creepy....get this too, maybe you will agree with me on this being creepy...her son has really bad behavior problems...her husband had died about four years ago. One evening I was over at their house and her son was just staring at this picture. I asked him if I could see it...it was his dad in the casket!!!!! Now is that creepy?
Galen-it was their mother who died that got the policy with the understanding that the girls would keep it up. So what do you think, should they be in charge or should we just let it go?
Rieklady-you have some really good ideas, and I know your right....I will try it...it has been taking a lot of energy...when I see bob so sick I get more ....ed off. I'm trying to find a way not to be that way. Your suggestions are good!!!!
I think whats happening is that I'm starting to sound like a nag. Its just that I want so much for bob to see what I do.
And, actually this is not his real daughters, this is his step daughters. He raised them starting at the ages of 10 and 12, I think. They really have a big time manipulation on him that I haven't really been able to figure out why. Any ideas, reiklady on how to stop it?
Thanks you guys for your advice, it really helps a lot...one thing it helps to is finding out that maybe I'm not that crazy in thinking this stuff is pretty creepy as george said.
Link to comment
Share on other sites
reikilady
So the ladies were suppose to keep the policy going...Hmmmm!!! Bob has to be willing to stop the manipulation. Maybe you need to recognize your own beauty and talents. You could tell him your not willing to fork out the dough anymore and you feel that it's time to turn finances inward toward your marriage and children.
Hmmm... I just don't believe in messing with free will. Talking to Bob's guardian angels might help... Ask them to help Bob with this situation... Ask your own Angels to help you! Be specific! They listen and they work wonders!!!
Link to comment
Share on other sites
Ralph Snyder
How about emulating the thirty year old brats?
Well, maybe not....
If you really did start WW III?
good for you...the behavior needs to change.
and I can't figure out how it could happen in a peaseful fashion withoutthem women heitting a bridge abutment or something.
Pray, vickles...and...don't forget to prey
Link to comment
Share on other sites
Radar OReilly
Hi Ralph....
Check your private topics please.
ror
Link to comment
Share on other sites
Cindy!
Who needs this kind of aggravation?
I agree with Galen...talk it over with Bob.
As far as a policy for your children, if I were you I would be VERY careful to keep it separate from anyone but you and your kids. You and Bob might even decide to keep his name off of it so that those two do not try to get their claws on the money meant for your kids.
If all else fails and Bob wants to keep enabling this toxic behavior, I would just lovingly turn all communication and dealings with those two over to Bob completely, step out of it entirely (aside from being sure my children and myself were covered financially), and focus on your marriage and children.
It is not worth your peace of mind and happiness to deal with a situation you do not have control over. (besides praying)
I would keep my dealings with those two cordial, but brief and I would always pass them onto Bob whenever they want something.
Link to comment
Share on other sites
Mister P-Mosh
I've not been in a situation like yours, since my step-family treated me like members of their own family. It's definitely a different situation.
However, a few years after my paternal grandfather died, my grandmother met a good man from her church and remarried. While he was a great guy, he was a wimp to his kids, who were horrible people. They would come over and steal stuff from my grandmother because that's what they were used to doing with their dad. My grandmother would confront them constantly, and they got sick of it and eventually stopped coming around as much. However, at some point, they started missing their dad, and compromised and abided by my grandmother's rules when they were in her house. I don't really have any advice to give you, but I would like to let you know it can be done. So don't give up, but definitely talk to your husband first.
Link to comment
Share on other sites
krys
If Bob is well enough to handle it now - let him handle it. If he's not - then tell them you've changed your position on paying this premium. They don't need a reason. "I've thought about it carefully, and I don't think it's something I should be doing now."
Give them a short deadline...like 2 months and say after such and such a date, you will have to assume full responsibility or lose the policy. And then - - follow through...grant no extensions.
Their inheritance is not your responsibility.
[sometimes, people cannot handle death and dying, so they joke about it when they cannot ignore it. I'm not making excuses for them, simply stating a fact.]
Link to comment
Share on other sites
Galen
The military really pushes for servicemembers to have SGLI, which is a life insurance policy paid from your salary each month. It is not a very competative policy, and everyone is automatically signed up for a $100,000 policy while in bootcamp.
I have assisted many single sailors to cancel their SGLI policy, as being single what do they need to be paying for life-insurance for anyway? The idea of a life insurance policy being that they are supporting someone who would be left 'un-supported' in the event of your death.
Once we started collecting apartment buildings, we realized that many states require that the 'escrow' account include a life-insurance policy against the mortgage holder. In California, we found this out, and fought with the bank, as we wanted to have Bonnie as that policy's beneficiary. It is law there to have a life-insurance policy but the banks commonly are the beneficiary, and they are under no requirement to use that money to pay off the mortgage if the mortgage holder dies. While in escrow, we fought over the issue for weeks, before they finally agreed to allow Bonnie to be the beneficiary. Apparantly it is yet another method by which banks make money, they have life-insurance policys on all their mortgage holders.
Since we have these buildings, and should I die, then the buildings would then be paid off [by Bonnie, since she is the beneficiary], we decided that I still have no need for a life-insurance policy. So I have not carried SGLI either. My family is taken care of, in the event of my death. Bonnie would still have the income derived from the properties, as well as she would still have the housing for herself and children as provided by these properties. A $100,000 policy would never provide a life-long home to live in, nor would it provide a life-long income, as owning an apartment building would.
In the years that have followed these desicions, Bonnie did decide that she wanted a seperate policy against my life. I have refused to pay for it. So she pays for it. In my mind that means that she is 'betting' or 'wagering' that I will die, which is not the side of the table wherein I would desire to place my money. But she does have this policy, and she pays for it from the money that she earns. She can well do as she pleases with her money.
In the case where the chidren have reached adulthood already, I see no need for the parents to still be providing anything for them in the event of their death.
I have no idea of the best method of handling inheritance. Family members can get very ugly while fighting over the remains of a person's life.
:-)
Link to comment
Share on other sites
vickles
The step daughter still isn't speaking to me...oh well. But the grandaughter came by while I was volunteering at the library in tears. She says her mother hasn't payed the rent for quite a while, their phone has been turned off, and she is going to casinos gambling and buying toys galore for her son.
For the first time in a long time I felt sorry for the kids but felt no responsibility. It felt good. I talked to bob and he has agreed that she must figure out her way. He agreed with me that we need to concentrate on this family unit we have now. We have put all our efforts and time into her and her children instead of concentrating on the kids at home.
Thanks you guys, your posts really helped me make some decisions. I know this isn't the end of it but I know I don't have to deal with it personally and hopefully bob will follow through with what he has agreed to.
About the life insurance, bob agrees to let them take care of it and if they can't pay then they have to let it go. But you never know what he will do when the time comes again. He has a soft spot for them. But then if he does I'm realizing that it would be his problem to deal with not mine.
I can't get life insurance for him right now because his health isn't all that great. But we are getting that will done so that if something does happen these girls won't rob me blind. Which is what I see happening if I don't have one.
I don't think I have ever met people like this before that are so greedy and selfish. I'm just the opposite and its hard for me to think anyone can think that way.
Link to comment
Share on other sites
Cindy!
Vickles...It is VERY hard to think this way. Who does? (except for those who only think of themselves)
Your Bob sounds like a very fine man who tries to do what is best...it is SOOOO wonderful to have a man like that!!! My heart and prayers are FOR you and your wonderful family!!!
Take out a life insurance policy on you for your kids and family, if you can. Having those matters handled is such a great relief! Leaves you free to concentrate on the NOW of living life!!!
Our hats are off to you and Bob for the wonderful things you are doing for your family and for extended family. What a heart of love you two have!!!!
Link to comment
Share on other sites
Join the conversation
You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.