Well, there've been times when I've shouted myself hoarse in a car driving down the road. That has helped to take the edge off.
The solution to my anger was to get myself removed from what was causing the anger. I still feel some measure of resentment from time to time, but now that it's over, the resentment fades quickly every time it comes up.
Well, Cindy!, I've found that talking about it takes the edge off if it's with the person I'm angry with. When that doesn't happen, then I find that talking about it with someone else such as a counselor or someone trained to offer ways to overcome resentment/anger helps to put it into perspective.
The one thing that is hardest to overcome is when the person says they did the best they could, accepts no responsibility for their actions, and then refuses to discuss it. Then I suppose that's when I turn it over to my higher power and ask Him to help me put it behind me so it will stop bothering my tomorrows.
The first thing that must be done is accept the fact anger and stress are real and powerfull emotions.
The trick is being able to vent off in a non-destructive way. And there is no one or two different ways to handle these issues. Everybody is different and what works for one person might not work for another...
With that being said...
One common way to help with anger and stress issues is exercise and/or playing a competive sport. Next would be to find a relaxing hobbie.
Another step would be to realize what is/was beyond your control to do anything about. We cannot change the past, nor can you deny it. At best all we can do is learn from it and look to the future. (of course this is easier said than done)
There are some very serious situations that we have been in contact with are still may haunt us despite our best efforts. In such cases, seek out proper mental health specialists.
None of us came with an instruction manual to tell us what we need to do when things are less than wonderfull. Sometimes, it's just trial and error till we find what works.
I just don't let...oh wait, you said I couldn't use that one :D-->
Part of dealing with anger for me is understanding exactly what it is that makes me angry. For me it is usually someone saying something to me, or treating me in a manner that I interpret as some form of attack. It could be being accused of something unjustly, or being treated condescendingly or any number of things.
Once I understand why I am angry, I can then determine whether I really should be angry. More often than not it involves finding out if my perception of what the other person was saying was correct. Other times it just means deciding that what I am mad about cannot be changed or isn't so bad after all.
Of course, sometimes removing myself from the source of my anger might be the only solution
I try to find a place between what steve metioned getting away from the irratation, and waterbuffalo solutions of seeking discussion and conseling withthe one causing the anger.
To keep things is perspectives is a good thing BUT perspectives change. when perspective change for one and not another anger happens .
I really do not know how to deal with anger. I went to conseling with my ex and his wife and the kids . It stopped the verbal attacks but not the resentment or the pain of betraya.
I told my son the only way I know to fix regrets is to fill the shame and guilt( which is the baseline of alot of anger) with good thing that allow you to feel beter about yourself. this method takes time.
If I am with a family member that I am angry at I often act badly and do not care about it. If it is work , I walk away or use the resource available to find a solutio such as mediation or transfer...
I only get real angry at situations with people I really love and for some reason can not discuss the problem which brings me back to PERSPECTIVE my idea of what my ex is as a person is very different than what my daughter seems to think he is .
I get angry and where would that discussion ever lead? compromise isnt always going to work for me I believe what I do for a reasona nd so does she. So we have to discuss how we need to discuss this to be able to continue to be as close and intimate as we want to be in our relationship.
My brother in law died at a young age and I have watched mysister drink way to much and deal with life on a much more sad level this also makes me angry at what or whom do I discuss this with a dead person? some people do that or think they do I understand that but it doesnt work for me.. so I try to forget and do things in life that make me happy and think of them as I do what floats my boat.
to have intense sorrow for to long and to allow the death of a love one to eat at you for to long brings on a type of anger that screws with your life. I say when I die life will go on.. and i try to teach that to my children.
life is good and I do believe in the hope of the return and that helps me with alot of anger knowing this life is a temporary situation that will be healed and cured of many of the problems that fester at each of us.
Lot can be said about anger. It can be healthy or unhealthy. It can be a defense mechanism or an assault weapon. It can save life or kill.
One musical group I'm acquainted with is Dan Hicks and his Hot Licks. They did an album in 1972 called 'Striking it Rich'. One song on the album is called "O'Riley at the bar". It's about a guy who goes to a bar and someone deliberately steals his beer so he beats him up. But this isn't a heavy metal group. They didn't even have a drummer. Their music is funky and kinda laid back.
wasn't that drink one of mine,
stealing my drink is a sin
Stealing my drink has caused me to think,
to think about the rat that you are
Whoever you are, you pushed me too far,
now I'm gonna smash your face.
Normally, if you're angry enough to get physical with somebody, you don't slowly sit down and reason it out first; you just do it. The song puts the process in slow motion. We all assign anger value to different things based on our backgrounds and our belief systems. Nothing makes me angrier than things that violated me in the past.
I had 2 9th grade teachers who occasionally went out of their way to humiliate me in front of the class. At the time I didn't have as much respect for myself as I do now. I was afraid to get angry so I just condemned myself. The more I thought about it over time; thought about how these 2 adult professionals used their authority over me to tear me down; thought about how cowardly they were sitting on their thrones like that; I'd love 5 minutes alone with each of them. I can identify, at least in principle, with some of the TWI abuse posted here.
But I can't really afford to spend too much time thinking about stuff like that. So I'm thankful that I have a full enough plate that the memory of that stuff doesn't affect me....much.
Dealing with anger is not the same thing as not feeling any more anger. It's one thing to feel angry and another to act out that anger in unhelpful ways.
Anger related to trauma may be in a different class altogether. This article may help:
Things that have worked for me: Focus, Mold and Move
Focus on my anger. Recognize it, look at in the face, get real, 'embrace the horror'. Settle down and 'distill it' into some kind of order. What's going on, why, how'd it get that way, where do I fit in to the picture? Is this something I can do something about? If so, what?
Mold my anger. Take what I came up with and form some kind of plan, steps, action I want to take about the situation. Get that energy and emotion channeled in to action. If it's going to take time I can be more patient now because I have some idea of what's going on in my head.
Move on and get with it. At this point I've taken my hostility and made it something constructive.
To that I have to accept that whatever was bugging me may not change, but I'm not feeling powerless or under it's control. I can have some degree of confidence that I'm living true to myself. If the opportunity is there to do something I'm ready.
Or, I've dumped the whole thing. Maybe I've realized it's something I can't do anything about. Maybe I was wrong, took something the wrong way. I cool off much easier that way.
I'm a firm believer in holding my tongue when I get p.o.'d about something, meaning I don't automatically turn red and let it fly. I may still act but I try to do so in a measured way, take a breath, give it a sec.
One phrase I use all the time for years now that verbally sets up an even playing field in a situation where there's an argument - "Okay, let me run this back by you, here's the way this looks to me. Tell me if I'm wrong but to me it appears that..." I use words to that effect but I always include "you tell me if I'm wrong". I force myself to leave that door wide open in a confrontation so that the other person, hopefully, will give what I say a listen and not automatically shut me out and wait for the next opening to fire back at me AND I'm forcing myself to recognize that my anger may be misplaced. Indeed I MAY be wrong, and if so we're going to find out. It helps me because so often I see what I see and that's that, ain't no way I'm wrong. If I had a nickel for everytime that didn't work out I'd be rolling in the dough. ;)-->
Sometimes it works for me, sometimes it don't. :)-->
Excathie - - I learned to swallow anger so far down that it couldn't resurface before I was 3! Truly - at that age.
I am reminded every single day of my life, that women are not as good as men.....every single day in my own life.
It is in my bones - and will be released only as my bones decay. I just have learned how to hide it. I am a master of disguise......sowwy...that isn't what you think of me, but that's what is!
Cindy, one thing I do sometimes when I'm really tired of being angry is do a burning pot. I have done this with my children and their friends. The supplies that you need are a fireproof container, epsom salts, and rubbing alcohol.
For old wounds you have to be able to be willing to let them go. New anger as well. Write down everything that is bugging you and that you want to be better and more postive in your life.
Put about a Tablespoon of epsom salts into the fireproof container (a coffee can will do) and then put about a Tablespoon of rubbing alcohol in the pot and then light it. Place paper in the pot. Imagine all those feelings and situations being purified and changed into something positive. You can also hold your hands towards the pot and imagine all the anger and negativity leaving your heart, mind, and body and being purified by the flames.
I have also prayed for people that I have resentments for and while it was hard to do at first in the long run it was best for me to quit being ticked at them because it was disturbing my peace of mind.
It goes in layers with the abuse and bad relationships in my life. When things start going good, my mind decides I'm strong enough to deal with stuff I buried from the past.
Sometimes I ask myself if it's going to matter in a hundred years what is bothering me today.
I feel very lucky right now because my home is not a battlefield right now. Peace in my home is really important to me.
When I become angry, I simply withdraw. My persona becomes (as someone once described it to me) "...eriely quiet, downright freightening." Some call it sulking, but it helps me to think and put the angst into perspective before I act. I often put my hands in my pockets to prevent myself from taking a swing at the source.
All I can say is, "Thank God for therapy!" I have the most awesome therapist and he listens to me vent and then we talk about whether it's valid and what I'm going to do about it.
Sometimes it helps me to force myself to think about and focus on the great and positive things about me and my life. Other times, remember that I can't always control situations but I can control how I react to them.
I have a tendency, like Technobyte, to get really quiet and withdraw because if I don't my tongue can get me into big trouble. :)--> I'm getting much better at controlling my tongue though. I've noticed it's especially better now that I'm out of TWI, but then again, there aren't as many things that get me angry anymore now that I'm thinking more clearly. ;)-->
quote:other difficulties are that you can get hit in the face with it when you least expect it
Excie hit on what mostly bugs me.
Not having learned the skills to deal with this until the last four years or so, it takes some time to put those skills as deeply as the error was ingrained.
Right! Ex's point about not knowing when it will surface again goes to, imho, not having truly dealt with it or turned it over. How do I know this? Because it is HARD for me to turn somethings over to the Lord. But, I keep trying everytime something gets excavated again that I thought had gone away for good :-)
Zshot said:
quote:Another step would be to realize what is/was beyond your control to do anything about.
I love what you said Zshot and would only change one word: realize. I would change it to say:
quote:Another step would be to accept what is/was beyond your control to do anything about.
That helps me to stay on track better and stop fighting the same battles over and over again in my head and wasting my time in a fruitless exercise (What a revelation! Truly!)
Thanks, too, Zshot for bringing up exercise which also really works miracles for my mental clarity and state of mind and is my no-cost, sometimes instant relief therapy. It just makes me feel better and when I feel better the boogie man (the past) doesn't come around so often!
As a child, I would lash out and stomp my feet and smack and punch anything in reach. Then I learned that my Mother and Father would hit back and punish me in other ways. So I learned that such a tantrum is not a good idea.
As a teenager, I'd tell people off and shake my fist at them. Then I learned that others would retaliate in some way that I didn't like. In a couple of instances, it made an enemy out of a friend. Still not a good idea.
As an adult, I assess the situation and formulate the appropriate response. In cases where I cannot accept the result, but can't do anything about it, I remind myself that vengence belongs to God (if there really is any vengence to be had in the first place).
I've learned over the years that when God gets vengence, the result is better than ANYTHING that I could ever do (not to mention that it won't get me jailed either).
I''l stew, ponder and mull things over, and over and over again, often repeating the same scenario over n over again, looking at it from a gazillion angles, this is not always a self caring mindset, so I practice letting go or at times I practice solitary rage where I rant and rave for a few few minutes about whats bothering me, othertimes I will get an iron bar and see just how high the tire swing will go or lift weights.
Back in a former life I'd put a piece of wood on the lathe n focus my mind, feelings and energy on the emerging bowl. It was this ongoing flow of creative juices that purged any stress or worry.
I'm eyeing a couple of maple burl bowl blanks I've got laying around so I may be picking that up shortly, then I am sure alot of the angst over past events will find a place of expression and release.
But if not I'll still make a couple of bucks selling them at shows :D-->
quote:Ex's point about not knowing when it will surface again goes to, imho, not having truly dealt with it or turned it over. How do I know this? Because it is HARD for me to turn somethings over to the Lord. But, I keep trying everytime something gets excavated again that I thought had gone away for good :-)
I'm not sure I fully agree with you about not having dealt with it. The truth is, when you spend years just trying to "survive" in an abuse situation, all of your energies and skills are aimed at that. If it works, you come out either alive or if you leave the abuse...alive and free.
However, all those years spent "surviving" are years that were NOT spent learning, using, and refining coping and social skills. As a result, a person is far behind in learning how to be "normal" and/or happy.
It's like this one toddler I took care of for a while...he had both legs and his waist in a full cast due to problems at birth and subsequent surgeries. It wasn't that he hadn't "dealt" with walking before or was afraid of it, it's that his energies were focused on getting well.
I do not believe that ALL of my anger over past abuses, childhood abuses, and etc... will ever go away. I look at it as part of the tapestry of my life....what makes me who I am today.
I never have been a proponent of "giving it over" to anything, that to me seems to be a way of saying "don't deal with it, don't learn from it, just let is smack you in the face again someday". That's probably not what you meant, but my approach is to find out what it is, how it got there, and then what to do to be sure it never bothers me again.
Our focus now is to learn, use, and refine those skills to deal with that anger if and when it pops up.
Our skills for dealing with what happens in the every day NOW are in place and strong. We have very very few times in our house where someone raises their voice. Zero temper tantrums. And when a situation comes up that makes one or more of us angry, we have a plan in place for how to handle it.
In fact, when a situation at work a few months ago made me mad and hurt me, I used those skills I had learned and the situation was resolved VERY successfully with the result of that person and I becoming MUCH closer.
quote:I'm not sure I fully agree with you about not having dealt with it. The truth is, when you spend years just trying to "survive" in an abuse situation, all of your energies and skills are aimed at that. If it works, you come out either alive or if you leave the abuse...alive and free.
Right O! I agree that you can't always predict when something will come back up or that anything will ever go away completely. If I tell someone that they did something and it hurt me and they say they are sorry, then I seem to forget it.
I have found from personal experience that certain things keep coming back up that I find no answers for such as certain abuses endured during childhood. For me, sometimes I've found accepting that it happened and that it can't be explained has helped.
Afterall, abuse isn't logical and there is no good reason for it. But, on the other hand, these are the very things I have trouble accepting or turning over.
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excathedra
i watch dr. phil
(i sowwy, how could i resist, chinny ?
;)--> 
;)--> 
;)-->)
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Cindy!
you do not!!! *pout*
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Steve!
Well, there've been times when I've shouted myself hoarse in a car driving down the road. That has helped to take the edge off.
The solution to my anger was to get myself removed from what was causing the anger. I still feel some measure of resentment from time to time, but now that it's over, the resentment fades quickly every time it comes up.
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waterbuffalo
Well, Cindy!, I've found that talking about it takes the edge off if it's with the person I'm angry with. When that doesn't happen, then I find that talking about it with someone else such as a counselor or someone trained to offer ways to overcome resentment/anger helps to put it into perspective.
The one thing that is hardest to overcome is when the person says they did the best they could, accepts no responsibility for their actions, and then refuses to discuss it. Then I suppose that's when I turn it over to my higher power and ask Him to help me put it behind me so it will stop bothering my tomorrows.
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Zshot
In my very limited understanding...
The first thing that must be done is accept the fact anger and stress are real and powerfull emotions.
The trick is being able to vent off in a non-destructive way. And there is no one or two different ways to handle these issues. Everybody is different and what works for one person might not work for another...
With that being said...
One common way to help with anger and stress issues is exercise and/or playing a competive sport. Next would be to find a relaxing hobbie.
Another step would be to realize what is/was beyond your control to do anything about. We cannot change the past, nor can you deny it. At best all we can do is learn from it and look to the future. (of course this is easier said than done)
There are some very serious situations that we have been in contact with are still may haunt us despite our best efforts. In such cases, seek out proper mental health specialists.
None of us came with an instruction manual to tell us what we need to do when things are less than wonderfull. Sometimes, it's just trial and error till we find what works.
As for me... I play racquetball.
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Oakspear
I just don't let...oh wait, you said I couldn't use that one
:D-->
Part of dealing with anger for me is understanding exactly what it is that makes me angry. For me it is usually someone saying something to me, or treating me in a manner that I interpret as some form of attack. It could be being accused of something unjustly, or being treated condescendingly or any number of things.
Once I understand why I am angry, I can then determine whether I really should be angry. More often than not it involves finding out if my perception of what the other person was saying was correct. Other times it just means deciding that what I am mad about cannot be changed or isn't so bad after all.
Of course, sometimes removing myself from the source of my anger might be the only solution
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mj412
I try to find a place between what steve metioned getting away from the irratation, and waterbuffalo solutions of seeking discussion and conseling withthe one causing the anger.
To keep things is perspectives is a good thing BUT perspectives change. when perspective change for one and not another anger happens .
I really do not know how to deal with anger. I went to conseling with my ex and his wife and the kids . It stopped the verbal attacks but not the resentment or the pain of betraya.
I told my son the only way I know to fix regrets is to fill the shame and guilt( which is the baseline of alot of anger) with good thing that allow you to feel beter about yourself. this method takes time.
If I am with a family member that I am angry at I often act badly and do not care about it. If it is work , I walk away or use the resource available to find a solutio such as mediation or transfer...
I only get real angry at situations with people I really love and for some reason can not discuss the problem which brings me back to PERSPECTIVE my idea of what my ex is as a person is very different than what my daughter seems to think he is .
I get angry and where would that discussion ever lead? compromise isnt always going to work for me I believe what I do for a reasona nd so does she. So we have to discuss how we need to discuss this to be able to continue to be as close and intimate as we want to be in our relationship.
My brother in law died at a young age and I have watched mysister drink way to much and deal with life on a much more sad level this also makes me angry at what or whom do I discuss this with a dead person? some people do that or think they do I understand that but it doesnt work for me.. so I try to forget and do things in life that make me happy and think of them as I do what floats my boat.
to have intense sorrow for to long and to allow the death of a love one to eat at you for to long brings on a type of anger that screws with your life. I say when I die life will go on.. and i try to teach that to my children.
life is good and I do believe in the hope of the return and that helps me with alot of anger knowing this life is a temporary situation that will be healed and cured of many of the problems that fester at each of us.
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def59
All this talk about dealing with anger makes me so mad …………
:o-->
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johniam
Lot can be said about anger. It can be healthy or unhealthy. It can be a defense mechanism or an assault weapon. It can save life or kill.
One musical group I'm acquainted with is Dan Hicks and his Hot Licks. They did an album in 1972 called 'Striking it Rich'. One song on the album is called "O'Riley at the bar". It's about a guy who goes to a bar and someone deliberately steals his beer so he beats him up. But this isn't a heavy metal group. They didn't even have a drummer. Their music is funky and kinda laid back.
wasn't that drink one of mine,
stealing my drink is a sin
Stealing my drink has caused me to think,
to think about the rat that you are
Whoever you are, you pushed me too far,
now I'm gonna smash your face.
Normally, if you're angry enough to get physical with somebody, you don't slowly sit down and reason it out first; you just do it. The song puts the process in slow motion. We all assign anger value to different things based on our backgrounds and our belief systems. Nothing makes me angrier than things that violated me in the past.
I had 2 9th grade teachers who occasionally went out of their way to humiliate me in front of the class. At the time I didn't have as much respect for myself as I do now. I was afraid to get angry so I just condemned myself. The more I thought about it over time; thought about how these 2 adult professionals used their authority over me to tear me down; thought about how cowardly they were sitting on their thrones like that; I'd love 5 minutes alone with each of them. I can identify, at least in principle, with some of the TWI abuse posted here.
But I can't really afford to spend too much time thinking about stuff like that. So I'm thankful that I have a full enough plate that the memory of that stuff doesn't affect me....much.
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My3Cents
Dealing with anger is not the same thing as not feeling any more anger. It's one thing to feel angry and another to act out that anger in unhelpful ways.
Anger related to trauma may be in a different class altogether. This article may help:
From Salon.com
If you're not a member you can watch a quick ad and get access for a day. Well worth it in my opinion.
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socks
Get a big stick.
No, a BIG stick.
:D-->
Things that have worked for me: Focus, Mold and Move
Focus on my anger. Recognize it, look at in the face, get real, 'embrace the horror'. Settle down and 'distill it' into some kind of order. What's going on, why, how'd it get that way, where do I fit in to the picture? Is this something I can do something about? If so, what?
Mold my anger. Take what I came up with and form some kind of plan, steps, action I want to take about the situation. Get that energy and emotion channeled in to action. If it's going to take time I can be more patient now because I have some idea of what's going on in my head.
Move on and get with it. At this point I've taken my hostility and made it something constructive.
To that I have to accept that whatever was bugging me may not change, but I'm not feeling powerless or under it's control. I can have some degree of confidence that I'm living true to myself. If the opportunity is there to do something I'm ready.
Or, I've dumped the whole thing. Maybe I've realized it's something I can't do anything about. Maybe I was wrong, took something the wrong way. I cool off much easier that way.
I'm a firm believer in holding my tongue when I get p.o.'d about something, meaning I don't automatically turn red and let it fly. I may still act but I try to do so in a measured way, take a breath, give it a sec.
One phrase I use all the time for years now that verbally sets up an even playing field in a situation where there's an argument - "Okay, let me run this back by you, here's the way this looks to me. Tell me if I'm wrong but to me it appears that..." I use words to that effect but I always include "you tell me if I'm wrong". I force myself to leave that door wide open in a confrontation so that the other person, hopefully, will give what I say a listen and not automatically shut me out and wait for the next opening to fire back at me AND I'm forcing myself to recognize that my anger may be misplaced. Indeed I MAY be wrong, and if so we're going to find out. It helps me because so often I see what I see and that's that, ain't no way I'm wrong. If I had a nickel for everytime that didn't work out I'd be rolling in the dough.
;)-->
Sometimes it works for me, sometimes it don't.
:)-->
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krys
I believe some of the anger I have will only dissapear when I die.
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excathedra
what can be difficult about anger is that it may disguise itself and get all mixed up with deep depression and severe anxiety
other difficulties are that you can get hit in the face with it when you least expect it
self love is a big help with anger, in my humble opinion goddamnit
--
just saw your post, kryssie, knock me over with a feather, too many hugs, i hear ya'
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krys
Excathie - - I learned to swallow anger so far down that it couldn't resurface before I was 3! Truly - at that age.
I am reminded every single day of my life, that women are not as good as men.....every single day in my own life.
It is in my bones - and will be released only as my bones decay. I just have learned how to hide it. I am a master of disguise......sowwy...that isn't what you think of me, but that's what is!
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reikilady
Cindy, one thing I do sometimes when I'm really tired of being angry is do a burning pot. I have done this with my children and their friends. The supplies that you need are a fireproof container, epsom salts, and rubbing alcohol.
For old wounds you have to be able to be willing to let them go. New anger as well. Write down everything that is bugging you and that you want to be better and more postive in your life.
Put about a Tablespoon of epsom salts into the fireproof container (a coffee can will do) and then put about a Tablespoon of rubbing alcohol in the pot and then light it. Place paper in the pot. Imagine all those feelings and situations being purified and changed into something positive. You can also hold your hands towards the pot and imagine all the anger and negativity leaving your heart, mind, and body and being purified by the flames.
I have also prayed for people that I have resentments for and while it was hard to do at first in the long run it was best for me to quit being ticked at them because it was disturbing my peace of mind.
It goes in layers with the abuse and bad relationships in my life. When things start going good, my mind decides I'm strong enough to deal with stuff I buried from the past.
Sometimes I ask myself if it's going to matter in a hundred years what is bothering me today.
I feel very lucky right now because my home is not a battlefield right now. Peace in my home is really important to me.
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TheSongRemainsTheSame
i would think the home is the mind that is really important peace to be at home.
yeah
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Technobyte
When I become angry, I simply withdraw. My persona becomes (as someone once described it to me) "...eriely quiet, downright freightening." Some call it sulking, but it helps me to think and put the angst into perspective before I act. I often put my hands in my pockets to prevent myself from taking a swing at the source.
That's how I deal with it.
Technobyte
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Belle
All I can say is, "Thank God for therapy!" I have the most awesome therapist and he listens to me vent and then we talk about whether it's valid and what I'm going to do about it.
Sometimes it helps me to force myself to think about and focus on the great and positive things about me and my life. Other times, remember that I can't always control situations but I can control how I react to them.
I have a tendency, like Technobyte, to get really quiet and withdraw because if I don't my tongue can get me into big trouble.
:)--> I'm getting much better at controlling my tongue though. I've noticed it's especially better now that I'm out of TWI, but then again, there aren't as many things that get me angry anymore now that I'm thinking more clearly. 
;)-->
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Cindy!
Excie hit on what mostly bugs me.
Not having learned the skills to deal with this until the last four years or so, it takes some time to put those skills as deeply as the error was ingrained.
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waterbuffalo
Cindy!
Right! Ex's point about not knowing when it will surface again goes to, imho, not having truly dealt with it or turned it over. How do I know this? Because it is HARD for me to turn somethings over to the Lord. But, I keep trying everytime something gets excavated again that I thought had gone away for good :-)
Zshot said:
I love what you said Zshot and would only change one word: realize. I would change it to say:
That helps me to stay on track better and stop fighting the same battles over and over again in my head and wasting my time in a fruitless exercise (What a revelation! Truly!)
Thanks, too, Zshot for bringing up exercise which also really works miracles for my mental clarity and state of mind and is my no-cost, sometimes instant relief therapy. It just makes me feel better and when I feel better the boogie man (the past) doesn't come around so often!
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Nomad888
As a child, I would lash out and stomp my feet and smack and punch anything in reach. Then I learned that my Mother and Father would hit back and punish me in other ways. So I learned that such a tantrum is not a good idea.
As a teenager, I'd tell people off and shake my fist at them. Then I learned that others would retaliate in some way that I didn't like. In a couple of instances, it made an enemy out of a friend. Still not a good idea.
As an adult, I assess the situation and formulate the appropriate response. In cases where I cannot accept the result, but can't do anything about it, I remind myself that vengence belongs to God (if there really is any vengence to be had in the first place).
I've learned over the years that when God gets vengence, the result is better than ANYTHING that I could ever do (not to mention that it won't get me jailed either).
My 2 cents...
Nomad888
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herbiejuan
I''l stew, ponder and mull things over, and over and over again, often repeating the same scenario over n over again, looking at it from a gazillion angles, this is not always a self caring mindset, so I practice letting go or at times I practice solitary rage where I rant and rave for a few few minutes about whats bothering me, othertimes I will get an iron bar and see just how high the tire swing will go or lift weights.
Back in a former life I'd put a piece of wood on the lathe n focus my mind, feelings and energy on the emerging bowl. It was this ongoing flow of creative juices that purged any stress or worry.
I'm eyeing a couple of maple burl bowl blanks I've got laying around so I may be picking that up shortly, then I am sure alot of the angst over past events will find a place of expression and release.
But if not I'll still make a couple of bucks selling them at shows
:D-->
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Cindy!
Waterbuffalo, you said:
I'm not sure I fully agree with you about not having dealt with it. The truth is, when you spend years just trying to "survive" in an abuse situation, all of your energies and skills are aimed at that. If it works, you come out either alive or if you leave the abuse...alive and free.
However, all those years spent "surviving" are years that were NOT spent learning, using, and refining coping and social skills. As a result, a person is far behind in learning how to be "normal" and/or happy.
It's like this one toddler I took care of for a while...he had both legs and his waist in a full cast due to problems at birth and subsequent surgeries. It wasn't that he hadn't "dealt" with walking before or was afraid of it, it's that his energies were focused on getting well.
I do not believe that ALL of my anger over past abuses, childhood abuses, and etc... will ever go away. I look at it as part of the tapestry of my life....what makes me who I am today.
I never have been a proponent of "giving it over" to anything, that to me seems to be a way of saying "don't deal with it, don't learn from it, just let is smack you in the face again someday". That's probably not what you meant, but my approach is to find out what it is, how it got there, and then what to do to be sure it never bothers me again.
Our focus now is to learn, use, and refine those skills to deal with that anger if and when it pops up.
Our skills for dealing with what happens in the every day NOW are in place and strong. We have very very few times in our house where someone raises their voice. Zero temper tantrums. And when a situation comes up that makes one or more of us angry, we have a plan in place for how to handle it.
In fact, when a situation at work a few months ago made me mad and hurt me, I used those skills I had learned and the situation was resolved VERY successfully with the result of that person and I becoming MUCH closer.
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waterbuffalo
Cindy! said:
Right O! I agree that you can't always predict when something will come back up or that anything will ever go away completely. If I tell someone that they did something and it hurt me and they say they are sorry, then I seem to forget it.
I have found from personal experience that certain things keep coming back up that I find no answers for such as certain abuses endured during childhood. For me, sometimes I've found accepting that it happened and that it can't be explained has helped.
Afterall, abuse isn't logical and there is no good reason for it. But, on the other hand, these are the very things I have trouble accepting or turning over.
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