Groucho, sadly, some who have lost the "fight" find themselves patiently waiting for the "return", of the plumber.
Alas, no more sorrow, no more joy. The only thing that remains is a constant urge, and hopping on one foot, along with a confident assurance that all will be as it should be, in the end.
From a sitting position on the throne, I can reach under the sink in the head to pull out a fresh roll. Bonnie buys these huge cardboard boxes with 45 rolls in them and stores the boxes under the sink in the head.
I never pay any attention to which way the rolls hang.
So long as a roll is there. I am happy.
Our toilet lid only goes down while I am digging in the cabinet over the toilet, or if I need to stand on it. Otherwise it stays up against the watercloset.
The seat pretty much stays down. Except for when I am sick and need to worship the porcelin goddess, then of course I kneel before her throne, lift the seat, and dutifully render my prayers to Rawwwlf the porcelin goddess.
I never changed a roll of it in my life. I keep trying- hard as I try- they just refuse to cooperate and change into something more useful, like gold bullion.
Why would you clean yourself with gold bullion? Your hands would get all sh- , er, dirty, and so would the gold bullion. And it would cause plumbing problems when you flushed it!
PEEple, PEEple! I can produce quality stuff with the roll from the back or I could hash my stool to pieces with the roll from the front. DON'T you SEE it?
In order to KNOW that you KNOW that you're in perfect fellowship, the following step MUST be taken. Go out and purchase a log book with 7 or 8 columns in it. Then, every time you take a dump, measure each piece for texture, size (in inches), hue, appearance of corn or some other undigested particle, and keep doing it faithfully. If the overall appearance is dark brown, average size 6 - 8 inches, and no blemishes, then you're surely walking with your Lord in good standing. Two more things...
1) If you're sick and it comes out liquid, you're surely out of fellowship, so make a red check mark through the entire column of the ledger.
2) One day out of the year (preferably fall season) select a good quality specimen. Take it out into the woods, close your eyes, toss it with the left hand over the right shoulder, and pray. This atones for all unclean issue from the whole year. God bless you!
As we men grow older, the need for nocternal bathroom visits increase. If the toilet lid is left in the down position, and we feel the call of nature in the night, the possiblility that we will sit down while simultaneously pressing our *cough* member downward will cause us to *cough* "sit on our dick". Sort of the female equivilent of "tit in the wringer". Not good for anyone.
Galen and Tom Strange: you change the tp rolls??? I salute you!
OWWW, Jim! Poor thing -- I'm still laughing. Now, how about the guy problem of raising those toilet seats with the fuzzy seat covers, where the seat s-l-o-w-l-y begins to fall, then comes down like a guillotine toward any unsuspecting "member?"
I think I may need counseling after reading this...post traumatic potty disorder. EEEEEK!!! The mind pictures... can't ... stop ... the ... mind ... pictures !!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Galen and Tom Strange: you change the tp rolls??? I salute you!"
Thank you.
As Mister Mom, it is just what I do.
I dont mind, been doing it all my life. On-board a submarine who else is going to do it?
During really looong patrols it was common to stash away private rolls from home, so when the boat runs out of TP, we could bring out our own rolls to use. Or else technical pubs got tore apart.
"Now, how about the guy problem of raising those toilet seats with the fuzzy seat covers, where the seat s-l-o-w-l-y begins to fall, then comes down like a guillotine toward any unsuspecting "member?" "
?????
To smack my member on the rim like that would require that I be kneeling. Rest the member on the rim first, then slam the lid-seat down. I stand up when doing things that require facing towards the bowl. [with the singular exception of when I must worship the porcilen goddess]. By standing up and facing the toilet, my member 'hangs' down towards the bowl, well above the level of the rim and/or seat-lid. Should the lid slam shut, the only thing that would happen is perhaps making a mess if I did not turn off the stream. [uh, shut the faucet?]
My only issue with the design of a toilet is that when sitting, a free hanging member will dip into the water puddle at the bottom of the bowl. I dont really enjoy that as there may be logs floating in that water. ;-)
"I used to have a cat that treated the thing like it was the local fishing hole."
I dont mind cats, they can be good when BBQ'ed.
We never had cats in the house.
As a child we had cats outside, they kept the rodent population down.
I was taught to feed them daily, but only so much as they would eat in a few minutes, to keep them hungry. A hungry cat hunts better. By feeding them once a day they never roam too far, as they know where home is, they will be back come feeding time.
"Do shaved, tattooed cats get to go trolling for treasures?"
You could try it and see...
"I'm with you on the mind pictures, Cindy! It's painful just reading about what you guys have to contend with."
Not any worse than ladies going in for a mammogram [squeeze]. And from what I read, catching tumurs early is still not getting any better. I keep thinking that a good infra-red camera would be better at early detection, and you could stay clothed during the photo.
The one that I dont like the idea of is that colonoscopy thing. Every year when it is time for my physical, I go in first 2 weeks early and get the lab-chits done, so that when I do have my physical, the lab work is already done. Well, I always ask to incude a PSA test. And so far, at each physical they say "well, gee you have never had a colonoscopy, we should get you one, but wait here is your PSA results. It looks good, and you have a PSA every year, lets just skip the colonoscopy another year." Which makes me happy.
I had to swallow thier video-camera for pictures of my duodenum a few times, and I really dont want to have that thing put anywhere else. :-)
Guys could you imagine if some goofy doc decided that the only way to test for testicular cancer was to clamp them in a vise, to them squeeze down, and then to shoot 'em full of radiation?
Yeah now that sounds like fun !!! NOT.
I dont envy you girls when you have to get those mamograms not one bit.
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Bob
Well, I must be out of fellowship quite often. My standing varies constantly, especially if the two drink limit has been violated.
I do pay reverence occasionally, kneeling before the porcelain god. Prostrating myself isn’t always fun, but I usually feel better afterwards.
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Ham
Groucho, sadly, some who have lost the "fight" find themselves patiently waiting for the "return", of the plumber.
Alas, no more sorrow, no more joy. The only thing that remains is a constant urge, and hopping on one foot, along with a confident assurance that all will be as it should be, in the end.
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Bob
Mr. Hamm,
Don't you know that McDonald's existance is exactly for situations as the one you describe -- the world's public bathrooms, one on every corner.
:)-->
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Galen
Of late I generally change the rolls in our home.
From a sitting position on the throne, I can reach under the sink in the head to pull out a fresh roll. Bonnie buys these huge cardboard boxes with 45 rolls in them and stores the boxes under the sink in the head.
I never pay any attention to which way the rolls hang.
So long as a roll is there. I am happy.
Our toilet lid only goes down while I am digging in the cabinet over the toilet, or if I need to stand on it. Otherwise it stays up against the watercloset.
The seat pretty much stays down. Except for when I am sick and need to worship the porcelin goddess, then of course I kneel before her throne, lift the seat, and dutifully render my prayers to Rawwwlf the porcelin goddess.
:-)
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Ham
I never changed a roll of it in my life. I keep trying- hard as I try- they just refuse to cooperate and change into something more useful, like gold bullion.
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Steve!
Why would you clean yourself with gold bullion? Your hands would get all sh- , er, dirty, and so would the gold bullion. And it would cause plumbing problems when you flushed it!
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Bob
My kids refuse to let me throw away the role when it is finished. How dare I trash a perfectly good telescope?
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Belle
Telescope? I have a dog who says they make excellent chew toys....especially if Mom takes too long while we're in there.
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johniam
PEEple, PEEple! I can produce quality stuff with the roll from the back or I could hash my stool to pieces with the roll from the front. DON'T you SEE it?
In order to KNOW that you KNOW that you're in perfect fellowship, the following step MUST be taken. Go out and purchase a log book with 7 or 8 columns in it. Then, every time you take a dump, measure each piece for texture, size (in inches), hue, appearance of corn or some other undigested particle, and keep doing it faithfully. If the overall appearance is dark brown, average size 6 - 8 inches, and no blemishes, then you're surely walking with your Lord in good standing. Two more things...
1) If you're sick and it comes out liquid, you're surely out of fellowship, so make a red check mark through the entire column of the ledger.
2) One day out of the year (preferably fall season) select a good quality specimen. Take it out into the woods, close your eyes, toss it with the left hand over the right shoulder, and pray. This atones for all unclean issue from the whole year. God bless you!
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Jim
As we men grow older, the need for nocternal bathroom visits increase. If the toilet lid is left in the down position, and we feel the call of nature in the night, the possiblility that we will sit down while simultaneously pressing our *cough* member downward will cause us to *cough* "sit on our dick". Sort of the female equivilent of "tit in the wringer". Not good for anyone.
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shazdancer
Galen and Tom Strange: you change the tp rolls??? I salute you!
OWWW, Jim! Poor thing -- I'm still laughing. Now, how about the guy problem of raising those toilet seats with the fuzzy seat covers, where the seat s-l-o-w-l-y begins to fall, then comes down like a guillotine toward any unsuspecting "member?"
Shaz
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Cindy!
I think I may need counseling after reading this...post traumatic potty disorder. EEEEEK!!! The mind pictures... can't ... stop ... the ... mind ... pictures !!!!!!!!!!!!!
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Ham
One of my kids has a cat, and has to keep the thing shut to keep it from what I affectionately call "trolling for treasures".
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Bob
I used to have a cat that treated the thing like it was the local fishing hole.
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Galen
shazdancer:
"Galen and Tom Strange: you change the tp rolls??? I salute you!"
Thank you.
As Mister Mom, it is just what I do.
I dont mind, been doing it all my life. On-board a submarine who else is going to do it?
During really looong patrols it was common to stash away private rolls from home, so when the boat runs out of TP, we could bring out our own rolls to use. Or else technical pubs got tore apart.
"Now, how about the guy problem of raising those toilet seats with the fuzzy seat covers, where the seat s-l-o-w-l-y begins to fall, then comes down like a guillotine toward any unsuspecting "member?" "
?????
To smack my member on the rim like that would require that I be kneeling. Rest the member on the rim first, then slam the lid-seat down. I stand up when doing things that require facing towards the bowl. [with the singular exception of when I must worship the porcilen goddess]. By standing up and facing the toilet, my member 'hangs' down towards the bowl, well above the level of the rim and/or seat-lid. Should the lid slam shut, the only thing that would happen is perhaps making a mess if I did not turn off the stream. [uh, shut the faucet?]
My only issue with the design of a toilet is that when sitting, a free hanging member will dip into the water puddle at the bottom of the bowl. I dont really enjoy that as there may be logs floating in that water. ;-)
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Galen
Bob:
"I used to have a cat that treated the thing like it was the local fishing hole."
I dont mind cats, they can be good when BBQ'ed.
We never had cats in the house.
As a child we had cats outside, they kept the rodent population down.
I was taught to feed them daily, but only so much as they would eat in a few minutes, to keep them hungry. A hungry cat hunts better. By feeding them once a day they never roam too far, as they know where home is, they will be back come feeding time.
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Belle
Do shaved, tattooed cats get to go trolling for treasures?
I'm with you on the mind pictures, Cindy!
It's painful just reading about what you guys have to contend with.
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Ham
Well, it is still a free country, heh heh.
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Galen
Belle:
"Do shaved, tattooed cats get to go trolling for treasures?"
You could try it and see...
"I'm with you on the mind pictures, Cindy!
It's painful just reading about what you guys have to contend with."
Not any worse than ladies going in for a mammogram [squeeze]. And from what I read, catching tumurs early is still not getting any better. I keep thinking that a good infra-red camera would be better at early detection, and you could stay clothed during the photo.
The one that I dont like the idea of is that colonoscopy thing. Every year when it is time for my physical, I go in first 2 weeks early and get the lab-chits done, so that when I do have my physical, the lab work is already done. Well, I always ask to incude a PSA test. And so far, at each physical they say "well, gee you have never had a colonoscopy, we should get you one, but wait here is your PSA results. It looks good, and you have a PSA every year, lets just skip the colonoscopy another year." Which makes me happy.
I had to swallow thier video-camera for pictures of my duodenum a few times, and I really dont want to have that thing put anywhere else. :-)
Guys could you imagine if some goofy doc decided that the only way to test for testicular cancer was to clamp them in a vise, to them squeeze down, and then to shoot 'em full of radiation?
Yeah now that sounds like fun !!! NOT.
I dont envy you girls when you have to get those mamograms not one bit.
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Bob
Let's not forget about that giving birth thing.
You're going to squeeze an 8lb baby through where?
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