I know what Valerie means about trying to share your life with people you have befriended. It just doesn't work with some people for me because a lot of the people I befriend are people who look like they NEED someone (I'm trying to get over that) so I try to "help."
To accept that some people are sick emotionally or mentally or whatever it is for them is one of my new lessons. They just are not capable of non-selfish behavior at this stage in their lives.
Another lesson is accepting that I will never get fill-in-the-blank from certain significant people in my life. Why? They just don't have it to give. For example, I would LIKE to be able to TRUST certain (or ANY) relatives to believe in me and to pray for me when I tell them things, but you know what, at this stage in my life I have none. Accepting that helps me. And, it's not easy to accept.
I have very few friends I confide in but somehow there is alway at least ONE when I REALLY need to talk. And, I can't talk to all of them about the same things. Then, there are times when I can only talk to Jesus about certain things. That's not bad either.
But, I know what some of you mean about WANTING a friend, a pal, and not feeling like you have that most of the time or being transparent and people using that against you. It hurts.
friendships to me are about being able to share me and relating.
recently an old neighbor became a widow , I telephoned her for sympathy and every since then we have had this relationship.
At first I think it was because she was adjusting to be alone then I realized i must be getting something to stay in .
I was able to hear my loss in her , I never had a vioce to speak my hurt and here she was complaining and hurting and claiming not to be able to do what she had to do she would openly say she was frightened and unhappy.
she would call crying on the phone ya know, and I would try to say it is alright but she said to me WHY WHY do you think it will be ok, why do you not hurt? how do you be so strong and never crack ???
so in my face so constant so real so raw. Till one day I realize Im a liar and she was right and she was healing me so much more than I ever could help her get over the loss of her husband.
I never really hurt for her , she taught me how to be able to hurt for myself and get better.
friends are an amazing thing , how they come in your life and change everything if you let them love you.
Recently my boss called me in the office with a scream and a yell and slammed the door.
man I tell ya people get to know me if I let them. I know he saw my hurt I have laying on my back. ( I seldom if ever speak of my problems to others) in fact I pray to not burden others with my problems often. So he said what he said and he spoke to the point I could not look at him I closed my eyes and just kept saying I will I will...
wow how do people do that? "friends" (my boss???) that rip open your thoughts without any private information or details?
I think it is love I think it is holy I think it is Jesus christ himself . the body of christ can not be denied.
I am older now and I laugh often , I like me , I think Im ok and I think everyone eles is ok too . On most days I think the whole world is my friend waiting for what we have to share with one another.
I get over the top emotional sometimes so I need strong individuals that can take a scream or two and realize I probably will get over it.
my children particularly my older daughters grap my heart , they allow me to be me and know me( not neccesarily agree with me) they are very protective and I trust their love to the point I submit to them and their thoughts easily. My sons now they are just fun I enjoy them and I enjoy hearing about their life and what they are doing , dreams and stuff.
I consider everyone a friend really , and when I need help these strange connections take place that I may judge and consider unworthy untill I take the time to understand the reason the connection is there in the first place and it is very often because of something I am struggling with in my own life. ----------------an issue I do not want to face , a judgement, a hurt I am in denial about and then these looney toons I think I am so much better than put it on the table and I have to stare at it or deal with it and become a better human being more able to communicate and love fully.
I think people are fun and a riot. See I do like me and I really think if I have anything to offer this world so does every other person. I remember when I was and am and most probably will be agin a person of judgement or critical of another when faced with *******s and I thank God I am not like in that mood for that momnet , so Im learning to be patient with folks and myself.
or I walk scream and yell and get the h2ll away from them.
I have had so much change and loss in my life , that all I can say about people is I need them to survive another day or life isnt worth living.
I think this is the most consistant and enduring damage that TWI has done to us. It has left us with an inability to trust others, and at the same time, a false sense of needing others. ie ... we aren't good enough to just rely on ourselves, but if we rely on somebody else, they will destroy us.
OK. So that's the problem. Now what are we going to do about it? -Pat
Pat I agree with your post but I must add to it for my POV is
The reason we were so damaged is we did not learn to establish healthy boundaries. Hear inner alarms or trust God.
We immediately gravitated to the "underdog" (looser) because we felt we had a message of hope to share. The truth was we AGAIN were going by our 5 senses -- we could SEE that person was ALONE and perhaps nasty or smelly or whatever made them an outcast so we crossed the boundaries and offered Christ. ( iam not saying kindness or Christ was wrong, but the invasion into their lives to "stand in the gap" for them and other practices worped our sense of self, our God connection and healthy boundaries)
Truth is, many gorgeous people were just as lonely surrounded by friends as the "outcast" was. But we did not ask God to "bring me people who need to hear of your love" We walked out by our senses and by those senses we picked the obvious "hurt" or neglected people.
Had we have been developed to "walk with God" we would not have door to door witnessed or looked visually for the impaired, but we would have reached with our hearts to God and said "Lord, who? How? when? where?"
THEN
if we were told to knock on a door it would have been the right door..... etc.
I believe this lack of boundaries and heart opened to ALL people have put us in a vulnerable position.
We should have prayed to God to scan ALL the people for us and bring the RIGHT people to us.
I have recently been praying for the RIGHT people to be in my path for friendships....
One of my big questions when I had 6 months of therapy back in 2000 was learning to trust again. I trusted my husband. Period.
I think in TWI, especially in the 90's on, we were encouraged to "share our hearts" with others, and it came back to bite us in the behind when they trotted right to leadership with our confidences and we were then confronted.
I have learned that that is the norm with some people. They curry favor by carrying tales. It's happened to me here at work, too.
We aren't good enough to just rely on ourselves, but if we rely on somebody else, they will destroy us.
***
Great observation.
I know that since we have been 'on our own,' after we left the exway groups and church hopping, we have weathered some difficult things on our own (Except for siblings)
--parent's deaths, illness, etc.
And things have turned out all right. We have far more financial abundance than we ever did while IN, which is a big stress reducer. While we don't have close friends, we do have family if there's a big need, and day to day living is pleasant, not hectic and stressed.
Friends are starting to fit in with our hobbies/activities. Just not close ones.
In the Way we had instant friends. People in the twig or branch. I'm thinking it really takes longer.
Valerie,,, I'll always be ya friend! I don't mean to single ya out fer that remark either, but knowingyou from those neophyite days at the Beach I feel like I can say that and it will be believed. I have a saying that I still hang onto from the way and have found it helpful in my endeavours,,,,,A Friend is a person I ain't met yet!
I still look fer some good now and then,,,,,,,,thats why I coontinue browsing here,,,,,,what great folks we are to enjoy this type fellowshipping together,thanks be to Paw and all the posters that keep us typing.
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waterbuffalo
I know what Valerie means about trying to share your life with people you have befriended. It just doesn't work with some people for me because a lot of the people I befriend are people who look like they NEED someone (I'm trying to get over that) so I try to "help."
To accept that some people are sick emotionally or mentally or whatever it is for them is one of my new lessons. They just are not capable of non-selfish behavior at this stage in their lives.
Another lesson is accepting that I will never get fill-in-the-blank from certain significant people in my life. Why? They just don't have it to give. For example, I would LIKE to be able to TRUST certain (or ANY) relatives to believe in me and to pray for me when I tell them things, but you know what, at this stage in my life I have none. Accepting that helps me. And, it's not easy to accept.
I have very few friends I confide in but somehow there is alway at least ONE when I REALLY need to talk. And, I can't talk to all of them about the same things. Then, there are times when I can only talk to Jesus about certain things. That's not bad either.
But, I know what some of you mean about WANTING a friend, a pal, and not feeling like you have that most of the time or being transparent and people using that against you. It hurts.
WB
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mj412
I look at my relationships and I am happy.
um we are all nuts really in a sense .
friendships to me are about being able to share me and relating.
recently an old neighbor became a widow , I telephoned her for sympathy and every since then we have had this relationship.
At first I think it was because she was adjusting to be alone then I realized i must be getting something to stay in .
I was able to hear my loss in her , I never had a vioce to speak my hurt and here she was complaining and hurting and claiming not to be able to do what she had to do she would openly say she was frightened and unhappy.
she would call crying on the phone ya know, and I would try to say it is alright but she said to me WHY WHY do you think it will be ok, why do you not hurt? how do you be so strong and never crack ???
so in my face so constant so real so raw. Till one day I realize Im a liar and she was right and she was healing me so much more than I ever could help her get over the loss of her husband.
I never really hurt for her , she taught me how to be able to hurt for myself and get better.
friends are an amazing thing , how they come in your life and change everything if you let them love you.
Recently my boss called me in the office with a scream and a yell and slammed the door.
man I tell ya people get to know me if I let them. I know he saw my hurt I have laying on my back. ( I seldom if ever speak of my problems to others) in fact I pray to not burden others with my problems often. So he said what he said and he spoke to the point I could not look at him I closed my eyes and just kept saying I will I will...
wow how do people do that? "friends" (my boss???) that rip open your thoughts without any private information or details?
I think it is love I think it is holy I think it is Jesus christ himself . the body of christ can not be denied.
I am older now and I laugh often , I like me , I think Im ok and I think everyone eles is ok too . On most days I think the whole world is my friend waiting for what we have to share with one another.
I get over the top emotional sometimes so I need strong individuals that can take a scream or two and realize I probably will get over it.
my children particularly my older daughters grap my heart , they allow me to be me and know me( not neccesarily agree with me) they are very protective and I trust their love to the point I submit to them and their thoughts easily. My sons now they are just fun I enjoy them and I enjoy hearing about their life and what they are doing , dreams and stuff.
I consider everyone a friend really , and when I need help these strange connections take place that I may judge and consider unworthy untill I take the time to understand the reason the connection is there in the first place and it is very often because of something I am struggling with in my own life. ----------------an issue I do not want to face , a judgement, a hurt I am in denial about and then these looney toons I think I am so much better than put it on the table and I have to stare at it or deal with it and become a better human being more able to communicate and love fully.
I think people are fun and a riot. See I do like me and I really think if I have anything to offer this world so does every other person. I remember when I was and am and most probably will be agin a person of judgement or critical of another when faced with *******s and I thank God I am not like in that mood for that momnet , so Im learning to be patient with folks and myself.
or I walk scream and yell and get the h2ll away from them.
I have had so much change and loss in my life , that all I can say about people is I need them to survive another day or life isnt worth living.
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Schwaigers
I think this is the most consistant and enduring damage that TWI has done to us. It has left us with an inability to trust others, and at the same time, a false sense of needing others. ie ... we aren't good enough to just rely on ourselves, but if we rely on somebody else, they will destroy us.
OK. So that's the problem. Now what are we going to do about it? -Pat
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Dot Matrix
Pat I agree with your post but I must add to it for my POV is
The reason we were so damaged is we did not learn to establish healthy boundaries. Hear inner alarms or trust God.
We immediately gravitated to the "underdog" (looser) because we felt we had a message of hope to share. The truth was we AGAIN were going by our 5 senses -- we could SEE that person was ALONE and perhaps nasty or smelly or whatever made them an outcast so we crossed the boundaries and offered Christ. ( iam not saying kindness or Christ was wrong, but the invasion into their lives to "stand in the gap" for them and other practices worped our sense of self, our God connection and healthy boundaries)
Truth is, many gorgeous people were just as lonely surrounded by friends as the "outcast" was. But we did not ask God to "bring me people who need to hear of your love" We walked out by our senses and by those senses we picked the obvious "hurt" or neglected people.
Had we have been developed to "walk with God" we would not have door to door witnessed or looked visually for the impaired, but we would have reached with our hearts to God and said "Lord, who? How? when? where?"
THEN
if we were told to knock on a door it would have been the right door..... etc.
I believe this lack of boundaries and heart opened to ALL people have put us in a vulnerable position.
We should have prayed to God to scan ALL the people for us and bring the RIGHT people to us.
I have recently been praying for the RIGHT people to be in my path for friendships....
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Watered Garden
It's hard, isn't it?
One of my big questions when I had 6 months of therapy back in 2000 was learning to trust again. I trusted my husband. Period.
I think in TWI, especially in the 90's on, we were encouraged to "share our hearts" with others, and it came back to bite us in the behind when they trotted right to leadership with our confidences and we were then confronted.
I have learned that that is the norm with some people. They curry favor by carrying tales. It's happened to me here at work, too.
Trusting God is a whole nother issue, too.
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Dot Matrix
My biggest place I get burned is at work....
Yet with time I see my first impressions were correct and later I let the person too close (even confided in) and got burned.
I need to learn how to have professional relationships. I am praying for that as well.
Learning boundaries....
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Bramble
Quote from Schwaigers:
We aren't good enough to just rely on ourselves, but if we rely on somebody else, they will destroy us.
***
Great observation.
I know that since we have been 'on our own,' after we left the exway groups and church hopping, we have weathered some difficult things on our own (Except for siblings)
--parent's deaths, illness, etc.
And things have turned out all right. We have far more financial abundance than we ever did while IN, which is a big stress reducer. While we don't have close friends, we do have family if there's a big need, and day to day living is pleasant, not hectic and stressed.
Friends are starting to fit in with our hobbies/activities. Just not close ones.
In the Way we had instant friends. People in the twig or branch. I'm thinking it really takes longer.
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Littlehawk
Valerie,,, I'll always be ya friend! I don't mean to single ya out fer that remark either, but knowingyou from those neophyite days at the Beach I feel like I can say that and it will be believed. I have a saying that I still hang onto from the way and have found it helpful in my endeavours,,,,,A Friend is a person I ain't met yet!
I still look fer some good now and then,,,,,,,,thats why I coontinue browsing here,,,,,,what great folks we are to enjoy this type fellowshipping together,thanks be to Paw and all the posters that keep us typing.
Happy 4th of July to All!!!!!
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Mary Cate
I don't trust anybody that:
won't look me in the eye
doesn't have or has had a dog (or some other animal companion)
won't say things to my face that they say behind my back
that hasn't taken any risks
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Oakspear
I'll take the risk of looking your dog in the eye behind your back
:D-->
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Mary Cate
...and they'll probably pee on you...
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Mary Cate
...because they love and adore their mommy...
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