The number of us GSers who are divorced after being married to "Christians"/TWIers is a commentary in and of itself on the whole unequally yoked thing as taught by TWI.
IMO, unequally yoked shouldn't be confined to religion but open to other very important areas such as attitudes about money (how about saving some money, not spending more than you make), material things and the relentless acquisition of such (and why do you want to spend my bonus on another toy for yourself?), independence (I need my alone time -dammit! Me and the dogs will be back from hiking in New Hampshire when we're good and ready), sex (really heterosexual, or hoping to be converted by marriage?), compatability with each person's family (quit telling me my mom is nuts - I have known that for years but she is still my mom and I love her as best I can), etc.
Just speaking from my experience, doesn't hold true for everyone.
I haven't met his family yet. He and I live about an hour apart and his family lives about 2 hours away. Since there is a little distance, we've only seen each other a few times on the weekends. We talk on the phone or email every day. He is polite and respectful to waitresses and doesn't stare at every other woman's chest when we're out, so I think those are good signs.
He retired from the Army after being in regular duty and reserves for 22 years. We're both in our early 40's, so children are not a pressing issue for either of us. He carries a lot of the discipline from the Army in his personal life in regard to finances, keeping his house clean, and general accountability.
I think he's worth his weight in gold. Go for it! Don't commit everything you've got on it - but definitely relax and enjoy the persuit of being persuited - He has definite keeper-qualities.
Everything mentioned here on this thread is important in a marriage. But if I were looking for a spouse at your age - I would want them all...but the single most important thing I would want would be a secure and loving companionship for the laung haul...and it seems like you would provide provide that for each other.
You are early in your relationship, so I hope you're not jumping the gun to consider wedding bells just yet. And I agree with the posts above that said if you want to win him over to Christianity, or you think of yourself as somehow better because you are a Christian, then you'd better find another Christian to hitch to, as it would be unfair to this guy.
If you accepted the precepts of The Way at one time, then be sure you have settled some things before you start looking to involve someone else in a significant way. TWI made some pretty strange demands at times. They were also good at demeaning people. You may not have confronted every ghost of your past before saying "I do," but think about what you will and will not put up with in another person.
My "significant other" is Jewish, Reform but not very observant. We have been together for 4 years. We have had some humdinger arguments (and some great reconciliations ;)--> ), but never about religious belief. I respect where he is coming from, and would never presume to think that I have the cornerstone on truth. He is a good man, an intelligent man, a humorous man, and a man with a huge soft spot for me. What's not to love? :D-->
Our biggest asset is that we can talk to each other. And he plays a mean game of Scrabble!
So keep having fun, keep talking, and think about who you are at this point in your life. Be happy with yourself, and you will be happy with or without another.
Do not enter into this relationship with the expectation that you will change him or win him over by "your loving example."
It's been said that a woman gets married with the expectation that her man will change over the years and a man gets married with the expectation that his woman won't. And they both get disappointed.
I just remarried at the age of 42. My first husband was abusive and apparently puts lying and cheating on his resume as one of his "skills"
What we did (mystevey and I, my husband NOW), since I was SO against marriage...was we lived together for about a year and a half before marriage. I swore to myself that if I had ANY doubts, no wedding would take place.
So maybe that's an idea for you....live together for a year...if you have NO doubts after that year....you'll know it's right to marry him!
My husband and I have a connection that defies explanation....we call it 'sharing a brain'...haven't had ONE fight, a few minor disagreements, but no shouting matches or game playing.
...THIS marriage??? It is VERY happy...NOW I know what the big deal is with relationships and marriage. It can be so very, very RIGHT!
Not sure if this helps or applies to you, it's just my two cents.
Well, here's a kicker, boys and girls. I spent the weekend with my guy and found out in the course of conversation that he dated a girl in high school who was in TWI! He met some people from TWI a few years later when he was in the Navy through this girl and went to a few fellowships over the course of about 6 months. He never took the class, and had serious concerns about the whole thing when a guy asked him about getting a complete Naval uniform and asked him to see his military ID. My guy reported it to his commanding officer. He didn't tell me who the guy was and I didn't want to know in case I knew him. He said the experience left him feeling like the people didn't really care about him, only what he could do for the organization.
It was a relief, actually, to find out he at least had an idea of where I had been and what I had been in for 5 years of my life. I don't feel a need to give him an opportunity to read any research material or "catch him up" on what I know. I figure he had an opportunity to do that years ago and he took advantage of it to the extent he was interested. We can still have intelligent, respectful conversations on religion in general.
I can't believe after all that we have done and everywhere we've been individually, to meet each other on the internet out of thousands of people and have this in common - it's pretty amazing.
Cindy!, I appreciate your words and sharing your experience with me. Because you and I have different relationship histories (I've never been married) I'm not sure I would be comfortable in a living together relationship. Of course, it's too early in the relationship to know how compatible we would be, married or living together.
I was married to what the way called an unbelieving believer for 14 years. Most of it was great. He never tried to stop me from "growing in the word." He loved the changes in me as a wife as I applied what I learned of the Word... He encouraged me to do what I felt I needed to do unless it interfered with plans he had for us as a family.
As soon as I got into twi, I started praying for him to change. I kept believing that if I were a good enough example that he would cleave to christianity... Never happened.
We're now divorced 10 years. We are very good friends and I love having him in my life.
As a single woman that dates, I no longer insist on being with a christian. I look at how I feel about myself when I'm with a man. I find humor a priority for me, so I look for that as well as honesty, integrity and the balls to tell me when I'm offbase (combined with the ability to say such a thing nicely so I hear what he's saying as opposed to that he's challenging me...) I've had a few experiences with lazy men, so I tune in for that as well.
I'm 44 years old and very comfortable with myself, so am not really looking for forever, altho if I found such a man with the above qualities that treated me well I'd sure consider living together. After going through a divorce, I'm admittedly gunshy, and our divorce was friendly. I guess I just don't trust that forever is available.
Oh, and being the only parent of a 7-year-old, any man for me would have to be flexible enough to share me with her and tolerate her when she does the ridiculous things little girls do to test boundaries and hearts.
I also have a very protective of his mama 23-year-old, so his approval is important too - not the end-all, but important as we are in touch at least once every day.
Hey Z-shot - how settled are you out there in AZ? Like kids? (lol)
I'm bringing this thread back up because Smurfette asked a similar question and I think someone referenced this thread. I am not currently dating the guy who inspired this thread, not for theological or religious reasons but, well, sometimes it just happens. I still think he's a great guy and we have kept in contact in emails.
"Jesus said that by their fruit you will know them." When it comes to Christianity I judge people by their actual fruit and not by what they say they are. If I had a choice between a person that said they were Christian, but did not show any Christlike fruit versus a person that does not confess Christ, but offers good fruit? Hmm, interesting choice. I would probably go with the person that showed the good fruit and then try to be a good example of Jesus Christ. Of course, keep in mind that it may take a while to know a persons true character good or bad.
Non-Christians get married all the time, and their "success rate" is probably about the same as Christians. To me, the common belief system is integral to a marital relationship, so it took me 41 years to get married. (Ironically, my wife and I both were kicked out of TWI right after our engagement.) If what you believe about Christ and the Bible isn't that important to you -- I don't mean this condescendingly -- then you can probably be fine with whomever. Others in this thread have posted some practical wisdom worth heeding: WHO IS HE, as opposed to who does he say he is; and don't expect to change him.
While "engaged" to a "christian" man, he had serious medical problems come up - a heart attack. Well, this inspired him to confess all. He was still married. He had disappeared from his home like those weird tv shows - and started a new life. I dumped his a--. Called the police to do a background check - they arrested him. Turns out he was also wanted. Maybe I should start with the background check. Haven't dated since (5 years)- know where I could meet anybody nice?
Ouch, that had to hurt. I seem to notice several successful hookups here on Greasespot. How about it y'all...testify!
I could mention the usual places, church, work, frozen foods at the supermarket, (that never works for me - too busy digging thru my coupons to notice anyone else!). Online matchmaking sites will open up many doors that may not be open any other way, but you have to be careful. The last 2 or 3 guys I have dated I met online, and they were pretty good guys. Of course, you usually end up meeting the right one in a completely different way than you planned. Good luck to us both!
This is the thread I was talking about. I don't know how much of this will help you, but it helped me realize I still had a little more Waybrain than I thought!
I was fortunet to be married to a very nice JEWISH lady for many years. Ellen supported me in my endevors as I did hers.
We did not have a problem with our beliefs being diffrent. It seems that the only people who had a problem was the real religious types!
Now I am fortunet to have found a very nice and caring lady!
She and I are from diffrent denominations and seemingly on the opposite sides of the aisle politicaly but we are able to talk and always respect each others views. Heck she even wants to keep me !
So what I am saying is make sure you can deal with the person on a one to one basis and not worry about the rest!
Life is to uncertain to let a love get away over things that can be worked out!
Recommended Posts
Top Posters In This Topic
3
9
3
4
Popular Days
Apr 26
22
Apr 28
10
May 2
5
Nov 10
3
Top Posters In This Topic
excathedra 3 posts
wwjesuslaughat 9 posts
My3Cents 3 posts
dmiller 4 posts
Popular Days
Apr 26 2004
22 posts
Apr 28 2004
10 posts
May 2 2004
5 posts
Nov 10 2004
3 posts
excathedra
val, in your last post you sound just like my mom
:)--> she's great
Link to comment
Share on other sites
Mary Cate
The number of us GSers who are divorced after being married to "Christians"/TWIers is a commentary in and of itself on the whole unequally yoked thing as taught by TWI.
IMO, unequally yoked shouldn't be confined to religion but open to other very important areas such as attitudes about money (how about saving some money, not spending more than you make), material things and the relentless acquisition of such (and why do you want to spend my bonus on another toy for yourself?), independence (I need my alone time -dammit! Me and the dogs will be back from hiking in New Hampshire when we're good and ready), sex (really heterosexual, or hoping to be converted by marriage?), compatability with each person's family (quit telling me my mom is nuts - I have known that for years but she is still my mom and I love her as best I can), etc.
Just speaking from my experience, doesn't hold true for everyone.
Link to comment
Share on other sites
wwjesuslaughat
Mom, er, Valerie,
I haven't met his family yet. He and I live about an hour apart and his family lives about 2 hours away. Since there is a little distance, we've only seen each other a few times on the weekends. We talk on the phone or email every day. He is polite and respectful to waitresses and doesn't stare at every other woman's chest when we're out, so I think those are good signs.
He retired from the Army after being in regular duty and reserves for 22 years. We're both in our early 40's, so children are not a pressing issue for either of us. He carries a lot of the discipline from the Army in his personal life in regard to finances, keeping his house clean, and general accountability.
Link to comment
Share on other sites
krys
You asked - - so I'm giving my opinion!!!
I think he's worth his weight in gold. Go for it! Don't commit everything you've got on it - but definitely relax and enjoy the persuit of being persuited - He has definite keeper-qualities.
Everything mentioned here on this thread is important in a marriage. But if I were looking for a spouse at your age - I would want them all...but the single most important thing I would want would be a secure and loving companionship for the laung haul...and it seems like you would provide provide that for each other.
Link to comment
Share on other sites
shazdancer
Dear WWJLA (I love that handle!),
You are early in your relationship, so I hope you're not jumping the gun to consider wedding bells just yet. And I agree with the posts above that said if you want to win him over to Christianity, or you think of yourself as somehow better because you are a Christian, then you'd better find another Christian to hitch to, as it would be unfair to this guy.
If you accepted the precepts of The Way at one time, then be sure you have settled some things before you start looking to involve someone else in a significant way. TWI made some pretty strange demands at times. They were also good at demeaning people. You may not have confronted every ghost of your past before saying "I do," but think about what you will and will not put up with in another person.
My "significant other" is Jewish, Reform but not very observant. We have been together for 4 years. We have had some humdinger arguments (and some great reconciliations
;)--> ), but never about religious belief. I respect where he is coming from, and would never presume to think that I have the cornerstone on truth. He is a good man, an intelligent man, a humorous man, and a man with a huge soft spot for me. What's not to love? 
:D-->
Our biggest asset is that we can talk to each other. And he plays a mean game of Scrabble!
So keep having fun, keep talking, and think about who you are at this point in your life. Be happy with yourself, and you will be happy with or without another.
Regards,
Shaz
Link to comment
Share on other sites
My3Cents
If Dr. Laura said it, I'd do the opposite!
Link to comment
Share on other sites
My3Cents
It's been said that a woman gets married with the expectation that her man will change over the years and a man gets married with the expectation that his woman won't. And they both get disappointed.
Link to comment
Share on other sites
Cindy!
WWJLA,
I just remarried at the age of 42. My first husband was abusive and apparently puts lying and cheating on his resume as one of his "skills"
What we did (mystevey and I, my husband NOW), since I was SO against marriage...was we lived together for about a year and a half before marriage. I swore to myself that if I had ANY doubts, no wedding would take place.
So maybe that's an idea for you....live together for a year...if you have NO doubts after that year....you'll know it's right to marry him!
My husband and I have a connection that defies explanation....we call it 'sharing a brain'...haven't had ONE fight, a few minor disagreements, but no shouting matches or game playing.
...THIS marriage??? It is VERY happy...NOW I know what the big deal is with relationships and marriage. It can be so very, very RIGHT!
Not sure if this helps or applies to you, it's just my two cents.
Link to comment
Share on other sites
Tom Strange
(just funnin' with ya!)
Link to comment
Share on other sites
Kit Sober
Holy Spirit will tell you (in no uncertain terms).
This "believer" vs "nonbeliever" or "unbeliever" or "pagan" is so superficial.
Over a course of a lifetime I have seen those I love run the full spectrum range.
(And I have been there, done that as well.
)
Since Holy Spirit can look on the heart He can show you what the reality of the situation is.
p.s. I think that if I didn't have Fred's brain to share I'd be in the soup. That's why the Lord made marriage. One brain isn't enough.
Hopefully,
Link to comment
Share on other sites
wwjesuslaughat
Well, here's a kicker, boys and girls. I spent the weekend with my guy and found out in the course of conversation that he dated a girl in high school who was in TWI! He met some people from TWI a few years later when he was in the Navy through this girl and went to a few fellowships over the course of about 6 months. He never took the class, and had serious concerns about the whole thing when a guy asked him about getting a complete Naval uniform and asked him to see his military ID. My guy reported it to his commanding officer. He didn't tell me who the guy was and I didn't want to know in case I knew him. He said the experience left him feeling like the people didn't really care about him, only what he could do for the organization.
It was a relief, actually, to find out he at least had an idea of where I had been and what I had been in for 5 years of my life. I don't feel a need to give him an opportunity to read any research material or "catch him up" on what I know. I figure he had an opportunity to do that years ago and he took advantage of it to the extent he was interested. We can still have intelligent, respectful conversations on religion in general.
I can't believe after all that we have done and everywhere we've been individually, to meet each other on the internet out of thousands of people and have this in common - it's pretty amazing.
Cindy!, I appreciate your words and sharing your experience with me. Because you and I have different relationship histories (I've never been married) I'm not sure I would be comfortable in a living together relationship. Of course, it's too early in the relationship to know how compatible we would be, married or living together.
Link to comment
Share on other sites
dmiller
Kit -- amen!
:)--> 
:)--> 
:)--> In my humble opinion, one "brain" between two folks just doesn't work!
Unless it is one brain that is a composite of both. I seem to remember reading something about "one flesh" somewhere -- Hmmmm?
Link to comment
Share on other sites
bowtwi
I was married to what the way called an unbelieving believer for 14 years. Most of it was great. He never tried to stop me from "growing in the word." He loved the changes in me as a wife as I applied what I learned of the Word... He encouraged me to do what I felt I needed to do unless it interfered with plans he had for us as a family.
As soon as I got into twi, I started praying for him to change. I kept believing that if I were a good enough example that he would cleave to christianity... Never happened.
We're now divorced 10 years. We are very good friends and I love having him in my life.
As a single woman that dates, I no longer insist on being with a christian. I look at how I feel about myself when I'm with a man. I find humor a priority for me, so I look for that as well as honesty, integrity and the balls to tell me when I'm offbase (combined with the ability to say such a thing nicely so I hear what he's saying as opposed to that he's challenging me...) I've had a few experiences with lazy men, so I tune in for that as well.
I'm 44 years old and very comfortable with myself, so am not really looking for forever, altho if I found such a man with the above qualities that treated me well I'd sure consider living together. After going through a divorce, I'm admittedly gunshy, and our divorce was friendly. I guess I just don't trust that forever is available.
Oh, and being the only parent of a 7-year-old, any man for me would have to be flexible enough to share me with her and tolerate her when she does the ridiculous things little girls do to test boundaries and hearts.
I also have a very protective of his mama 23-year-old, so his approval is important too - not the end-all, but important as we are in touch at least once every day.
Hey Z-shot - how settled are you out there in AZ? Like kids? (lol)
I love your handle too, wwjla - Good luck!
Link to comment
Share on other sites
wwjesuslaughat
I'm bringing this thread back up because Smurfette asked a similar question and I think someone referenced this thread. I am not currently dating the guy who inspired this thread, not for theological or religious reasons but, well, sometimes it just happens. I still think he's a great guy and we have kept in contact in emails.
Link to comment
Share on other sites
waterbuffalo
Even though you're no longer dating the same guy you were asking about, my advice for the next time round is this:
There is no formula.
Don't be in a hurry (time takes care of 90% of the ifs) and
Go by your gut
:)--> because you can't fool yourself and if he's not the right guy, you will not be peaceful about it.
Love,
WB
Link to comment
Share on other sites
Mark Sanguinetti
wwJesus
"Jesus said that by their fruit you will know them." When it comes to Christianity I judge people by their actual fruit and not by what they say they are. If I had a choice between a person that said they were Christian, but did not show any Christlike fruit versus a person that does not confess Christ, but offers good fruit? Hmm, interesting choice. I would probably go with the person that showed the good fruit and then try to be a good example of Jesus Christ. Of course, keep in mind that it may take a while to know a persons true character good or bad.
Link to comment
Share on other sites
GeorgeStGeorge
WWJLA,
Non-Christians get married all the time, and their "success rate" is probably about the same as Christians. To me, the common belief system is integral to a marital relationship, so it took me 41 years to get married. (Ironically, my wife and I both were kicked out of TWI right after our engagement.) If what you believe about Christ and the Bible isn't that important to you -- I don't mean this condescendingly -- then you can probably be fine with whomever. Others in this thread have posted some practical wisdom worth heeding: WHO IS HE, as opposed to who does he say he is; and don't expect to change him.
George
Link to comment
Share on other sites
cc ray
While "engaged" to a "christian" man, he had serious medical problems come up - a heart attack. Well, this inspired him to confess all. He was still married. He had disappeared from his home like those weird tv shows - and started a new life. I dumped his a--. Called the police to do a background check - they arrested him. Turns out he was also wanted. Maybe I should start with the background check. Haven't dated since (5 years)- know where I could meet anybody nice?
Link to comment
Share on other sites
wwjesuslaughat
Ouch, that had to hurt. I seem to notice several successful hookups here on Greasespot. How about it y'all...testify!
I could mention the usual places, church, work, frozen foods at the supermarket, (that never works for me - too busy digging thru my coupons to notice anyone else!). Online matchmaking sites will open up many doors that may not be open any other way, but you have to be careful. The last 2 or 3 guys I have dated I met online, and they were pretty good guys. Of course, you usually end up meeting the right one in a completely different way than you planned. Good luck to us both!
Link to comment
Share on other sites
wwjesuslaughat
Belle,
This is the thread I was talking about. I don't know how much of this will help you, but it helped me realize I still had a little more Waybrain than I thought!
Link to comment
Share on other sites
dmiller
Hopefully, a cryogenetic man takes less precedence to coupons!!
:D--> 
;)-->
Link to comment
Share on other sites
dmiller
Uh-oh --- did I just "open mouth, and change feet"??
Link to comment
Share on other sites
wwjesuslaughat
DMiller,
No offense taken!
:)-->
When are we gonna have that hoedown? If you can get to Hawk's place, I'm not too far away! I don't bait my own hook, though.
Link to comment
Share on other sites
jim martin/ jimextwi
I was fortunet to be married to a very nice JEWISH lady for many years. Ellen supported me in my endevors as I did hers.
We did not have a problem with our beliefs being diffrent. It seems that the only people who had a problem was the real religious types!
Now I am fortunet to have found a very nice and caring lady!
She and I are from diffrent denominations and seemingly on the opposite sides of the aisle politicaly but we are able to talk and always respect each others views. Heck she even wants to keep me !
So what I am saying is make sure you can deal with the person on a one to one basis and not worry about the rest!
Life is to uncertain to let a love get away over things that can be worked out!
jim
Link to comment
Share on other sites
Join the conversation
You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.