I'm mainly a 9th corps poster-boy but I had to stick my two cents in.I don't believe God has anything to do with marriage or picking a partner.Old Testament guys had several wives,concubines,unbelieving wives,they traded cattle for wives,etc. etc.Much of that was dictated by local custom.Our current local customs regarding marriage are often changing and confusing.If you connect with someone mentally, physically,intelectually and emotionally,I think it"s called "chemistry".If that becomes love,I don,t think it matters whether your spouse reads Ephesians or the sports page first thing in the morning.Besides chemistry,I would look for character...rather than a belief system in a person.
Simon, I certainly agree with your comment about marrying for charcter.
I think you'll find belief system becomes more important when you are raising kids.
I'm assuming (maybe incorrectly) from your post you're a 'bible kind of Christian'. If so I'm surprised at your statement that God has nothing to do with marriage or picking a partner. I mean, he set the ultimate precedent when he presented Eve to Adam, no? And the fact that there were differing practices in the OT doesn't mean God ever sanctioned it. (He didn't)
Now the fact that I approached marriage prayerfully and asking God to reveal to me his will regarding my future mate may or may not have something to do with my success in marriage.(I believe it had everything to do with it) Even if it didn't, at least it got me off on the right foot by seeking God's will rather than the "I want" syndrome.
Successfully married folks would all probably agree that part of that success is in not getting what you want, but helping your partner get what she/he wants.
Good points.I admit, since I left TWI I've become "scriptually challenged".The point I'd like to make is that God doesn't command us to get married;that woudn't jive with New Testament scriptures and unmarried men would not be believers just yet.But if we choose to,God certainly tells us how to live in that marriage.That being said,I believe that marriage and the desire for companionship is not a spiritual desire, but a desire that comes from our soul ,a desire which non-believers can have.A practicing believer would surely be more desirable because his application of the scriptures would help mold him into a person of good character.Unfortunately,people often practice the Bible only where it is convenient for them, and how often have we seen "believers" throw the Bible out the door as it applies to their marriage.I believe an unbeliever is just as capable of a lifetime of phileo type love, and isn't that what we're mainly looking for in a companion?
Speaking from experience gained as a 38-yr-old nevermarriedCorpsgradEx-way, and now looking back, as a 45-yr-old really, really happily married mother-of-two and stepmother-of-two:
Nobody would disagree that there are many aspects to meeting and deciding upon a mate, and I acknowledge right up front that the aspect which I will address is ONLY ONE OF THEM. But, here goes:
If you haven't yet, join a gym. Spend a little time pampering yourself by getting that ripped stomach, and those Madonna arms that you know are in there somewhere. If you're overweight, take care of that. Then, enjoy just being yourself. Your self-image will be very high, and you will naturally attract quality men without trying all that hard. This will only partly be because of your physical body. (Okay, if anybody out there wants to say, at this point, that the physical aspect is too shallow for quality, good-hearted men to care about, then I submit that such "anyones" are sweet, but misguided.) No, the real reason that you will attract men is that you will BE the best, physically, that you can be, and that kind of good health transposes itself into all aspects of one's personality and mindset. There really is something to all this physical fitness stuff. Try it, if you already haven't, and watch any problems meeting men just melt away.
Another benefit to being healthy is increased longevity. The guys one meets in the gym are, statistically, likely to be longer-lived than the guys who never exercise. Assuming that you really like him, you're going to want him around for awhile.
Here's just one side of the believer/unbeliever story.
I married an "unbeliever" within a year of leaving twi. I had actually known him while still in twi & he came to twig a few times. But, of course my tc's told me to dump him asap because, "he doesn't have anything going for him". I complied, even though I already loved him.
After I left twi, I found him again and we got married about a year later. When I left twi, I was at a very low point, depressed, scared, confused, feeling like a "cop out", and starved for unconditional love. He gave that to me. He loved me for whatever I was. I suppose there was somewhat of a "rebound" effect from losing twi, but that's just the way things played out for me.
We have two beautiful children now that I wouldn't trade for anything on earth. Hubby works his butt off at a hard job so I can stay home with our children, which I am eternally grateful for. And he loves me dearly. He is nowhere near perfect, but neither am I.
I'm not trying to paint some perfect picture or tell you to marry an unbeliever. I actually think the ideal is probably being with another person who loves God. But, I think God can work in our lives "in spite of" our choices.
I would say that I have a deeper understanding of God now, than I ever did in twi. Actually, not having "believers" around constantly has forced me to seek God and learn to trust him on my own. I don't think Christian marriages are any more guaranteed to be good than non-christians. It takes hard work no matter what you both believe. BTW, Christian marriages have about the same divorce rate as non-christians.
Don't know if any of this helps you. But I certainly wish the best for you now & in the future.
I understand your thought and advice for getting 'quality' menfolk to notice you.
Going to the gym to find the tummy, tushie, arms, etc is an idea--but as you say, not the only one. I happen to be a QUEEN sized woman, and have been all my life. I have been married 3 times and divorced twice. While that may seem to be less than successful, my weight was never an issue. I am the best-have always been but didn't necessarily believe that now and again in my life. I am presently married to a wonderful man, who likes his women well upholstered! All my husbands did!
You are right when you say that the whole thing here is mental attitude. If you feel comfortable with yourself, and know that you are all that you want and need to be--then the fellows will flock around you. I have never had that problem in my life and it has been more than 25 years since I weighed less than 200 pounds.
The other tip--
Place yourself in situations where the kind of man you want hangs out. A friend was bemoaning the fact that she picked out fellows who were all alcoholics--they were found at the local watering hole! (Not that good men don't hang out in bars, but?)
The best thing you can do with yourself is to love who you are. If that entails going to the gym and getting in shape, more power to you...but it isn't necessarily necessary!
What I read here makes a lot of sense, and many people have said some really good things. Of everything I read so far, I almost totally agree with your take on these things.
I especially like the part about "now being away from TWI" you can see... "the ideal is probably being with another person who loves God" and also, "God can work in our lives in spite of our choices." Jeeeezzzz... that is so true (at least for me it is).
On those two points I can relate most wholeheartedly - despite my lack of experience in any form of marital bliss, but it makes total sense! So thanks for the advice.
And also, not being around "believers" constantly has forced you to "seek God and learn to trust Him" on your own. Now that is really a worthwhile statement for me. At least, that's the way I see it. That exactly parallels my own life experience. The further away you get, the closer you really need to be, so there it is for you just the same - all you need to do is understand it, want it, and then ask for it. And presto - wham - bang - He's Baaaaaaack!
And I agree; I doubt if Christian marriages are any more guaranteed than non-Christians ones. Whenever I hear a (dyed-in-the-woolies) fundamentalist Christian "whatever" spouting such stuff I want to run away ? leave the building post haste. I think that that kind of talk espouses a kind of spiritual arrogance that is unworthy of real Chirtianity ? at least that is my own very humble opinion.
...nice post!
-Jason P.
[This message was edited by now-out-of-the-way on September 08, 2002 at 15:01.]
i am experimenting with online dating sites. its affordable and i have a choice as to whom i wish to try to date. if i would prefer to meet a larger lady, i would look at the weight given on her sheet. if i would rather choose to try to date a slim lady i would also look at the weight she gives on her sheet. and i read their profiles. some can write better than others. some are not very educated;some are. some are out of my league. i can see it when i read them. i dont bother them. i dont want to waste our time. i try to make a decision on the profile as a whole. its gotta have some bounce to it. if its just another flat, unrebounding ball, i dont try to bounce it. but if its got a little zing-o in it, maybe its a possibility, or maybe it just needs a little air, a little fixin up if you will. but i dont necessarily go on one thing like weight , hair and eye color but i look at the individual as a whole from what is written by them. i get in there and weed the patch like a gardener if you will, trying to find the fruit of it, the best i can afford of it. hey, ya nevah, evah know what cha might find. butcha aint gonna find much sittin in that rockin chair all day long. so i have taken to this route. hey, theres some christian ladies online guys ifn thats what cha want. i can tell it by their writing. they are in to it and they are free for the pickins fellas! its all about whatcha want-penpals ,casual, marriage??(whew, i saved a bundle by not doin that) so i exercise this option for now, and its fun tryin.and theres the ones who list themselves as other in the spiritual realm so ya got a lump o clay to mold if ya want unless its already molded and that might not be bad either! main thing is ta get out there and meet somebody ifn ya want. i came, i looked and i wrote. ya said the boys could look too. well ya sucked me right in with that one! good luck and happy huntin!
48 year old divorced male. 5'10", 165. Reddish blond hair/blue eyes. Married three times (longest 3 years). Have spoiled 4-year-old daughter. Former cult member. Recovered alcoholic & drug addict (now 13 years clean and sober). Have had two heart attacks and 3 heart surgeries in last 5 years. Enjoy collecting guns, hunting and fishing. Live in a small cabin in the woods on 83 acres in Central Texas. Have big tractor.
is a BIG deal... having read thru all the posts, and having some recent "single" experience myself, I just had to jump into the pool.
but first... itchley.... corry seems to be looking for a "mate". If you're using "lover" synomimously (sp) okay but "lovers" in the vernacular are a dime a dozen and shouldn't be confused with a mate, your mate should be your lover but a mate incorporates SO much more!
Sorry bout the digression but I just had to go there.
Corry.... the best all around advise so far has ABSOLUTELY been.... chas.
You don't say your age but with two teenage sons I'll wager... 30-40... how bout 36???? that's about when I found myself single again (37). I say chas cause I did EXACTLY what she said:
"After having been married once I knew what I could and couldn't live with -- I knew what areas of life I could compromise on and which ones I couldn't."
ALL OF LIFE WITH SOMEONE IS A SERIES OF COMPROMISES!!! So you have to be strong enough to give BUT SMART enough to know when you're giving up everything you are and stand your ground. I've been married to Betty for almost 4 years. 2nd for us both. I was single for 3 yrs in between. SHE TOLD ME POINT BLANK.... this is what I am, and I dated her long enough to see her "style/actions" agreed with her words.
In your future relationships watch for how your companion deals with opinions, decisions, situations, that are adverse. BEFORE you get too much emotion invested.
"When I met hubby, I had been dating a man who did not want to get married, already had a child from a previous marriage and didn't want anymore. He wanted the milk and not the cow, if you get my drift."
GREAT POINT CHAS.... why do you want to get married????? companionship??? or stud service???
Looking for ONE rest-of-your-life-partner????
In most cases/with most men...Your mother was right "they won't buy the cow if the milk is free"
I'm sure you get it, but to put it simply... if you're "giving it up" too early... even a good man will probably write you off... yep, it's a double standard but that's still the way it is.
But that goes back too WHY you want to get married and if you haven't REALLY thought it through long and hard you're SOOOO not ready to even be thinking about marriage.
"Hubby wasn't that. After I realized we were pretty compatable, I basically gave him my "business plan" -- I wanted the American Dream -- house, kids, and 2 cats in the yard..."
CHAS... I'd love to meet you and your hubby sometime... you got it gonin on ... You knew what you wanted... Which means you'd thought it through. THEN you laid it out for him... which shows your honesty... AWESOME
"He said he wanted his kids to have red hair (I'm a redhead and wanted to live in a house near the lake). BTW - we'd met in Jan '00 and were married in Aug. Our son was born in July '01. "
CONGRATULATIONS
CORRY HERE'S WHERE IT GETS TO THE NITTY GRITTY PAY REAL CLOSE ATTENTION TO WHAT CHAS SAYS RIGHT HERE....
"The moral of the story: Know what your 'must haves' are, have an idea of what your 'would like to haves' might be and what your 'no-way-in-hell!' is, too. This is someone you DON'T want to make another mistake with, so why settle for less?"
PRINT THIS OUT... TAPE IT ON YOUR FRIDG, MIRROR, TV, CAR KEYS, IN FRONT OF THE TOILET...
CHAS has in a very few short paragraphs encapsulated the wisdom of many many books, CHAS...the cliff notes editor....
"BTW -- about your 'Christian' friends -- they won't have to live with the man you choose to settle down with -- they should be happy if you're happy and if they aren't then they should keep their pieholes closed! =)"
I might add.... to all the... "trust in God" advise... Yes trust God, trust your brains and your gut instincts TOOO. I've trusted God for many things... AND got myself off my *** and went and looked/worked/studyed for those things too (I think you get my drift).
And one more thing... if you're looking at a divorcee' MAKE SURE HE'S HAD TIME TO WORK THROUGH HIS BAGGAGE AND SETTLED ON A LOAD HE CAN CARRY HIMSELF.... and.. you do likewise..
Don't be discouraged... good people/men are out there, don't wait for them to find you, and don't wear your heart on your sleeve. Be friends, just friends, ABSOLUTE friends, with a lot of men. You'll learn so much and you'll see more and more of what you like, don't like, and you'll discover TONS of new things. Relax, have fun with it!!!
I tend to value mutual culture over mutual religion though the first might imply the second.
However in a country as culturally diverse as the US its not necessarily the case.
I've often found that a shared sense of humor is an exellent indicator of compatibility. A sense of humor reflects culture, values, and ideals. Its more than just one aspect of the personality.
If you both genuinely find the same things to be
funny that suggests a deeper connection than
a simple shared appreciation for a certain movie or a particular type of food which could simply be a coincidence.
Relative to friends. Dating by committee is never fun. It is hard enough for two single people to get to know each other. A running commentary from well meaning friends and family can lead to hyper-analyzation of what should essentially be a personal process. Your friends want you to date a christian man ? Cool. let them date a christian man. You date whomever you want and feel good
I stated, when I started this post, that Christian marriage (for me) would be the ideal.
The Evan, you have the ideal! Good for you and all those that have it.
I tend to also think that those who say "trust in God" have some good advice, but unless you get off your duff, ain't nothin' gonna happen.
Al Poole, that's what you said and I agree. And yes, I'm looking for a mate, not a lover. Anyone can get one of those. (btw, my age IS posted on my profile)
OneLucky...I loved your story. Especially that part about a better understanding of God post twi. So true! And good point about the marriage stats for Christians and non alike. Hadn't even thought of that.
Oak...I love Utah this time of the year!
Goey....my ideal first date is a good old fashion tractor pull! Yee-haw.
Kay...my sister calls that being a "fluffy female." We all should be loved for exactly who we are! Which brings me to Kansas.
Finally, not in Kansas. At my age, (o.k. I'm 43), I'm actually in the best shape of my life. In fact, in two weeks I'm climbing to the top (what's left of it) of Mt St. Helens. Yesterday, I went and climbed part of Mt. Hood to prepare! And I'm not bad looking. It's just that meeting Christian men has been hard for me.
However, I have met many nice, compatible "secular" men who believe in God.
Maybe, I've been too hasty in dismissing them!
Think I've gotten some good advice here. Thanks you guys.
Going to the to gym to "catch"...IMO not a good idea (before everyone piles on me, this is just MY opinion!). Most folk who go to get their "lift on" are concentrating on that, MAYBE some small talk, & don't want to be bothered with the distraction of some one, he or she, on the lookout. Unless it's one of those "meat markets" like 24 Hour Fitness (The Club Formerly Known as The Q) where the women look prettier working out in their color co-ordinated, dress code complying workout designer outfits that match their make-up.
The Golds' I go to is a pure-D sweatshop; no dress code, no designer water, no potpourri, no juice bar. Only tons of free weights, & the girls feel no pressure to work out with the guys(& can do so without gettin' hit on every minute).
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TheEvan
Simon, I certainly agree with your comment about marrying for charcter.
I think you'll find belief system becomes more important when you are raising kids.
I'm assuming (maybe incorrectly) from your post you're a 'bible kind of Christian'. If so I'm surprised at your statement that God has nothing to do with marriage or picking a partner. I mean, he set the ultimate precedent when he presented Eve to Adam, no? And the fact that there were differing practices in the OT doesn't mean God ever sanctioned it. (He didn't)
Now the fact that I approached marriage prayerfully and asking God to reveal to me his will regarding my future mate may or may not have something to do with my success in marriage.(I believe it had everything to do with it) Even if it didn't, at least it got me off on the right foot by seeking God's will rather than the "I want" syndrome.
Successfully married folks would all probably agree that part of that success is in not getting what you want, but helping your partner get what she/he wants.
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simonzelotes
Good points.I admit, since I left TWI I've become "scriptually challenged".The point I'd like to make is that God doesn't command us to get married;that woudn't jive with New Testament scriptures and unmarried men would not be believers just yet.But if we choose to,God certainly tells us how to live in that marriage.That being said,I believe that marriage and the desire for companionship is not a spiritual desire, but a desire that comes from our soul ,a desire which non-believers can have.A practicing believer would surely be more desirable because his application of the scriptures would help mold him into a person of good character.Unfortunately,people often practice the Bible only where it is convenient for them, and how often have we seen "believers" throw the Bible out the door as it applies to their marriage.I believe an unbeliever is just as capable of a lifetime of phileo type love, and isn't that what we're mainly looking for in a companion?
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notinKansasanymore
Speaking from experience gained as a 38-yr-old nevermarriedCorpsgradEx-way, and now looking back, as a 45-yr-old really, really happily married mother-of-two and stepmother-of-two:
Nobody would disagree that there are many aspects to meeting and deciding upon a mate, and I acknowledge right up front that the aspect which I will address is ONLY ONE OF THEM. But, here goes:
If you haven't yet, join a gym. Spend a little time pampering yourself by getting that ripped stomach, and those Madonna arms that you know are in there somewhere. If you're overweight, take care of that. Then, enjoy just being yourself. Your self-image will be very high, and you will naturally attract quality men without trying all that hard. This will only partly be because of your physical body. (Okay, if anybody out there wants to say, at this point, that the physical aspect is too shallow for quality, good-hearted men to care about, then I submit that such "anyones" are sweet, but misguided.) No, the real reason that you will attract men is that you will BE the best, physically, that you can be, and that kind of good health transposes itself into all aspects of one's personality and mindset. There really is something to all this physical fitness stuff. Try it, if you already haven't, and watch any problems meeting men just melt away.
Another benefit to being healthy is increased longevity. The guys one meets in the gym are, statistically, likely to be longer-lived than the guys who never exercise. Assuming that you really like him, you're going to want him around for awhile.
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Oneluckymutha
Corrydj,
Here's just one side of the believer/unbeliever story.
I married an "unbeliever" within a year of leaving twi. I had actually known him while still in twi & he came to twig a few times. But, of course my tc's told me to dump him asap because, "he doesn't have anything going for him". I complied, even though I already loved him.
After I left twi, I found him again and we got married about a year later. When I left twi, I was at a very low point, depressed, scared, confused, feeling like a "cop out", and starved for unconditional love. He gave that to me. He loved me for whatever I was. I suppose there was somewhat of a "rebound" effect from losing twi, but that's just the way things played out for me.
We have two beautiful children now that I wouldn't trade for anything on earth. Hubby works his butt off at a hard job so I can stay home with our children, which I am eternally grateful for. And he loves me dearly. He is nowhere near perfect, but neither am I.
I'm not trying to paint some perfect picture or tell you to marry an unbeliever. I actually think the ideal is probably being with another person who loves God. But, I think God can work in our lives "in spite of" our choices.
I would say that I have a deeper understanding of God now, than I ever did in twi. Actually, not having "believers" around constantly has forced me to seek God and learn to trust him on my own. I don't think Christian marriages are any more guaranteed to be good than non-christians. It takes hard work no matter what you both believe. BTW, Christian marriages have about the same divorce rate as non-christians.
Don't know if any of this helps you. But I certainly wish the best for you now & in the future.
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Kay1952
I understand your thought and advice for getting 'quality' menfolk to notice you.
Going to the gym to find the tummy, tushie, arms, etc is an idea--but as you say, not the only one. I happen to be a QUEEN sized woman, and have been all my life. I have been married 3 times and divorced twice. While that may seem to be less than successful, my weight was never an issue. I am the best-have always been but didn't necessarily believe that now and again in my life. I am presently married to a wonderful man, who likes his women well upholstered! All my husbands did!
You are right when you say that the whole thing here is mental attitude. If you feel comfortable with yourself, and know that you are all that you want and need to be--then the fellows will flock around you. I have never had that problem in my life and it has been more than 25 years since I weighed less than 200 pounds.
The other tip--
Place yourself in situations where the kind of man you want hangs out. A friend was bemoaning the fact that she picked out fellows who were all alcoholics--they were found at the local watering hole! (Not that good men don't hang out in bars, but?)
The best thing you can do with yourself is to love who you are. If that entails going to the gym and getting in shape, more power to you...but it isn't necessarily necessary!
Kay
Kay1952
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now-out-of-the-way
What I read here makes a lot of sense, and many people have said some really good things. Of everything I read so far, I almost totally agree with your take on these things.
I especially like the part about "now being away from TWI" you can see... "the ideal is probably being with another person who loves God" and also, "God can work in our lives in spite of our choices." Jeeeezzzz... that is so true (at least for me it is).
On those two points I can relate most wholeheartedly - despite my lack of experience in any form of marital bliss, but it makes total sense! So thanks for the advice.
And also, not being around "believers" constantly has forced you to "seek God and learn to trust Him" on your own. Now that is really a worthwhile statement for me. At least, that's the way I see it. That exactly parallels my own life experience. The further away you get, the closer you really need to be, so there it is for you just the same - all you need to do is understand it, want it, and then ask for it. And presto - wham - bang - He's Baaaaaaack!
And I agree; I doubt if Christian marriages are any more guaranteed than non-Christians ones. Whenever I hear a (dyed-in-the-woolies) fundamentalist Christian "whatever" spouting such stuff I want to run away ? leave the building post haste. I think that that kind of talk espouses a kind of spiritual arrogance that is unworthy of real Chirtianity ? at least that is my own very humble opinion.
...nice post!
-Jason P.
[This message was edited by now-out-of-the-way on September 08, 2002 at 15:01.]
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Oakspear
"Is it really necessary that you end up with a Christian person?"
Only if YOU think it's necessary.
Keep in mind that there's plenty of people who talk the Christian talk, but don't walk the walk.
So it all comes back to YOUR requirements; (keeping in mind that none of us guys are perfect!)
Other than that, when I figure out what I want in a woman, I'll be freer with the advice.
Oakspear
In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice...but in practice there is
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Oakspear
oh yeah,if you're looking for a man who drives a WOWmobile, I'm your guy ; - )
Let's do coffee - I think Utah's about halfway
LOL
Oakspear
In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice...but in practice there is
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Zshot
I belong to a gym...
I compete in racquetball tournaments...
(don't have "6 packs" abs )
I am 41 years old never married , maybe I need to find a new gym
Gyms are a good place to get healthy
I have also made some good friends their , too bad mostly guys and some married ladies
The gym is also a great place to go sight seeing
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itchley
i am experimenting with online dating sites. its affordable and i have a choice as to whom i wish to try to date. if i would prefer to meet a larger lady, i would look at the weight given on her sheet. if i would rather choose to try to date a slim lady i would also look at the weight she gives on her sheet. and i read their profiles. some can write better than others. some are not very educated;some are. some are out of my league. i can see it when i read them. i dont bother them. i dont want to waste our time. i try to make a decision on the profile as a whole. its gotta have some bounce to it. if its just another flat, unrebounding ball, i dont try to bounce it. but if its got a little zing-o in it, maybe its a possibility, or maybe it just needs a little air, a little fixin up if you will. but i dont necessarily go on one thing like weight , hair and eye color but i look at the individual as a whole from what is written by them. i get in there and weed the patch like a gardener if you will, trying to find the fruit of it, the best i can afford of it. hey, ya nevah, evah know what cha might find. butcha aint gonna find much sittin in that rockin chair all day long. so i have taken to this route. hey, theres some christian ladies online guys ifn thats what cha want. i can tell it by their writing. they are in to it and they are free for the pickins fellas! its all about whatcha want-penpals ,casual, marriage??(whew, i saved a bundle by not doin that) so i exercise this option for now, and its fun tryin.and theres the ones who list themselves as other in the spiritual realm so ya got a lump o clay to mold if ya want unless its already molded and that might not be bad either! main thing is ta get out there and meet somebody ifn ya want. i came, i looked and i wrote. ya said the boys could look too. well ya sucked me right in with that one! good luck and happy huntin!
marywonni
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Goey
Goey will never give up !
Here's my bio ladies. What do y'all think ?
Goey:
48 year old divorced male. 5'10", 165. Reddish blond hair/blue eyes. Married three times (longest 3 years). Have spoiled 4-year-old daughter. Former cult member. Recovered alcoholic & drug addict (now 13 years clean and sober). Have had two heart attacks and 3 heart surgeries in last 5 years. Enjoy collecting guns, hunting and fishing. Live in a small cabin in the woods on 83 acres in Central Texas. Have big tractor.
Think I need to clean this up a bit ?
Goey
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Wacky Funster
Hmmmmmmm...Goey...let's do lunch
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Al Poole
is a BIG deal... having read thru all the posts, and having some recent "single" experience myself, I just had to jump into the pool.
but first... itchley.... corry seems to be looking for a "mate". If you're using "lover" synomimously (sp) okay but "lovers" in the vernacular are a dime a dozen and shouldn't be confused with a mate, your mate should be your lover but a mate incorporates SO much more!
Sorry bout the digression but I just had to go there.
Corry.... the best all around advise so far has ABSOLUTELY been.... chas.
You don't say your age but with two teenage sons I'll wager... 30-40... how bout 36???? that's about when I found myself single again (37). I say chas cause I did EXACTLY what she said:
"After having been married once I knew what I could and couldn't live with -- I knew what areas of life I could compromise on and which ones I couldn't."
ALL OF LIFE WITH SOMEONE IS A SERIES OF COMPROMISES!!! So you have to be strong enough to give BUT SMART enough to know when you're giving up everything you are and stand your ground. I've been married to Betty for almost 4 years. 2nd for us both. I was single for 3 yrs in between. SHE TOLD ME POINT BLANK.... this is what I am, and I dated her long enough to see her "style/actions" agreed with her words.
In your future relationships watch for how your companion deals with opinions, decisions, situations, that are adverse. BEFORE you get too much emotion invested.
"When I met hubby, I had been dating a man who did not want to get married, already had a child from a previous marriage and didn't want anymore. He wanted the milk and not the cow, if you get my drift."
GREAT POINT CHAS.... why do you want to get married????? companionship??? or stud service???
Looking for ONE rest-of-your-life-partner????
In most cases/with most men...Your mother was right "they won't buy the cow if the milk is free"
I'm sure you get it, but to put it simply... if you're "giving it up" too early... even a good man will probably write you off... yep, it's a double standard but that's still the way it is.
But that goes back too WHY you want to get married and if you haven't REALLY thought it through long and hard you're SOOOO not ready to even be thinking about marriage.
"Hubby wasn't that. After I realized we were pretty compatable, I basically gave him my "business plan" -- I wanted the American Dream -- house, kids, and 2 cats in the yard..."
CHAS... I'd love to meet you and your hubby sometime... you got it gonin on ... You knew what you wanted... Which means you'd thought it through. THEN you laid it out for him... which shows your honesty... AWESOME
"He said he wanted his kids to have red hair (I'm a redhead and wanted to live in a house near the lake). BTW - we'd met in Jan '00 and were married in Aug. Our son was born in July '01. "
CONGRATULATIONS
CORRY HERE'S WHERE IT GETS TO THE NITTY GRITTY PAY REAL CLOSE ATTENTION TO WHAT CHAS SAYS RIGHT HERE....
"The moral of the story: Know what your 'must haves' are, have an idea of what your 'would like to haves' might be and what your 'no-way-in-hell!' is, too. This is someone you DON'T want to make another mistake with, so why settle for less?"
PRINT THIS OUT... TAPE IT ON YOUR FRIDG, MIRROR, TV, CAR KEYS, IN FRONT OF THE TOILET...
CHAS has in a very few short paragraphs encapsulated the wisdom of many many books, CHAS...the cliff notes editor....
"BTW -- about your 'Christian' friends -- they won't have to live with the man you choose to settle down with -- they should be happy if you're happy and if they aren't then they should keep their pieholes closed! =)"
I might add.... to all the... "trust in God" advise... Yes trust God, trust your brains and your gut instincts TOOO. I've trusted God for many things... AND got myself off my *** and went and looked/worked/studyed for those things too (I think you get my drift).
And one more thing... if you're looking at a divorcee' MAKE SURE HE'S HAD TIME TO WORK THROUGH HIS BAGGAGE AND SETTLED ON A LOAD HE CAN CARRY HIMSELF.... and.. you do likewise..
Don't be discouraged... good people/men are out there, don't wait for them to find you, and don't wear your heart on your sleeve. Be friends, just friends, ABSOLUTE friends, with a lot of men. You'll learn so much and you'll see more and more of what you like, don't like, and you'll discover TONS of new things. Relax, have fun with it!!!
Happy hunting!
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diazbro
I tend to value mutual culture over mutual religion though the first might imply the second.
However in a country as culturally diverse as the US its not necessarily the case.
I've often found that a shared sense of humor is an exellent indicator of compatibility. A sense of humor reflects culture, values, and ideals. Its more than just one aspect of the personality.
If you both genuinely find the same things to be
funny that suggests a deeper connection than
a simple shared appreciation for a certain movie or a particular type of food which could simply be a coincidence.
Relative to friends. Dating by committee is never fun. It is hard enough for two single people to get to know each other. A running commentary from well meaning friends and family can lead to hyper-analyzation of what should essentially be a personal process. Your friends want you to date a christian man ? Cool. let them date a christian man. You date whomever you want and feel good
about it.
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corrydj
I stated, when I started this post, that Christian marriage (for me) would be the ideal.
The Evan, you have the ideal! Good for you and all those that have it.
I tend to also think that those who say "trust in God" have some good advice, but unless you get off your duff, ain't nothin' gonna happen.
Al Poole, that's what you said and I agree. And yes, I'm looking for a mate, not a lover. Anyone can get one of those. (btw, my age IS posted on my profile)
OneLucky...I loved your story. Especially that part about a better understanding of God post twi. So true! And good point about the marriage stats for Christians and non alike. Hadn't even thought of that.
Oak...I love Utah this time of the year!
Goey....my ideal first date is a good old fashion tractor pull! Yee-haw.
Kay...my sister calls that being a "fluffy female." We all should be loved for exactly who we are! Which brings me to Kansas.
Finally, not in Kansas. At my age, (o.k. I'm 43), I'm actually in the best shape of my life. In fact, in two weeks I'm climbing to the top (what's left of it) of Mt St. Helens. Yesterday, I went and climbed part of Mt. Hood to prepare! And I'm not bad looking. It's just that meeting Christian men has been hard for me.
However, I have met many nice, compatible "secular" men who believe in God.
Maybe, I've been too hasty in dismissing them!
Think I've gotten some good advice here. Thanks you guys.
corrydj
ladda~dee ladee~daa
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Waygone
Corry -
Might have a suggestion for ya - please write to me at waygone256@yahoo.com.
Waygone
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Weout1200
Going to the to gym to "catch"...IMO not a good idea (before everyone piles on me, this is just MY opinion!). Most folk who go to get their "lift on" are concentrating on that, MAYBE some small talk, & don't want to be bothered with the distraction of some one, he or she, on the lookout. Unless it's one of those "meat markets" like 24 Hour Fitness (The Club Formerly Known as The Q) where the women look prettier working out in their color co-ordinated, dress code complying workout designer outfits that match their make-up.
The Golds' I go to is a pure-D sweatshop; no dress code, no designer water, no potpourri, no juice bar. Only tons of free weights, & the girls feel no pressure to work out with the guys(& can do so without gettin' hit on every minute).
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