A "NEW" dumb joke thread

[Righteous Brother]

Once upon a time, there was a talking snake named Nate. Nate lived in the

forest, under a big boulder that had a lever sticking out of it.

One day, Nate received a visit from a talent scout from a circus. The

scout had heard about Nate because Nate could talk. The talent scout

asked Nate to join the circus. Nate was delighted, and he accepted.

First, though, the talent scout asked him: "What is the lever for?"

Nate responded: "If you touch the lever, you blow up the world."

So Nate went off with the scout, and he stayed with the circus for a few

weeks. He became homesick after that time, but he couldn't get out of his

contract. So one night, as everyone else slept, he slithered away and

headed back toward his home under the boulder.

The talent scout woke up and realized Nate was gone. He climbed in his

car and sped away in the direction of the boulder. As he drove down the

highway at 100 mph, he saw Nate crossing the road toward his home. The

talent scout was going too fast to stop, so he had to make a decision: hit

Nate and kill him, or hit the lever and blow up the world.

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What do you think he did?

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He hit Nate. Know why?

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Better Nate than lever.

oooohh! Sorry!

RB

[Cindy!]

groooaaaannnnn!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1

[Righteous Brother]

The bell-ringer for the church had just passed away, so the

priest was looking for someone new to ring the bell. Then

one day this man comes out of nowhere and starts banging on

the door. The priest opens the door and sees that the man

has no arms.

The priest asks him, "How can you ring the bell?" The man

said, "Let me show you." They went up to the bell and the

man started smacking the bell with his head. The bell starts

to swaying and the man misses, then he goes flying through

the window. Two more priests come running and ask, "What

happened? Who was that?" The second one said, "I don't know

but that face sure rings a bell."

RB

[Sudo]

Hey!

I can do "dumb", too!

ARTIE

Tired of constantly being broke, and stuck in an unhappy

marriage, a young husband decided to solve both problems

by taking out a large insurance policy on his wife

(with himself as the beneficiary), and arranging to have

her killed. A "friend of a friend" put him in touch with a

nefarious underworld figure, who went by the name of

"Artie". Artie explained to the husband that his going

price for snuffing out a spouse was $5,000. The husband

said he was willing to pay that amount, but that he

wouldn't have any cash on hand until he could collect his

wife's insurance money. Artie insisted on being paid

SOMETHING up front. The man opened up his wallet,

displaying the single dollar bill that rested inside.

Artie sighed, rolled his eyes, and reluctantly agreed to

accept the dollar as down payment for the dirty deed.

A few days later, Artie followed the man's wife to the

local Safeway grocery store. There, he surprised her in the

produce department, and proceeded to strangle her with his

gloved hands. As the poor unsuspecting woman drew her

last breath and slumped to the floor, the manager of the

produce department stumbled unexpectedly onto the scene.

Unwilling to leave any witnesses behind, Artie had no

choice but to strangle the produce manager as well. Unknown

to Artie, the entire proceedings were captured by hidden

cameras and observed by the store's security guard, who

immediately called the police. Artie was caught and

arrested before he could leave the store. Under intense

questioning at the police station, Artie revealed the

sordid plan, including his financial arrangements with the

hapless husband.

DRUM ROLL

( PAUSE )

And that is why, the next day in the newspaper, the headline declared;

[boy are You ever going to hate me for this one]:

"ARTIE CHOKES TWO FOR A DOLLAR AT SAFEWAY."

[Pirate1974]

These aren't dumb jokes.

They're "shaggy dog stories." I tell these to the Cub Scouts all the time.

Here's a classic:

A Czechoslovakian hunter and his French partner were in the midst of a safari when they happened upon two hungry tigers, a fierce male and his mate. A furious battle ensued, in which the hunters were killed. After which, each tiger ate a hunter.

Far off atop a hill, a shepherd had witnessed the whole battle. He ran home, grabbed his high powered assault rifle, and returned to blow the tigers away. After descending the hill, he first cut open the female tiger, discovering the remains of the Frenchman inside.

"That settles it," said the shepherd,

"The Czech's in the male."

[Righteous Brother]

STUMPY AND MARTHA.....

Stumpy and his wife Martha went to the state fair every

year. Every year Stumpy would say, "Martha, I'd like to ride

in that there airplane."

And every year Martha would say, "I know Stumpy, but that

airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten

dollars."

One year Stumpy and Martha went to the fair and Stumpy said,

"Martha, I'm 71 years old. If I don't ride that airplane

this year I may never get another chance."

Martha replied, "Stumpy, that there airplane ride costs ten

dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars."

The pilot overheard them and said, "Folks, I'll make you a

deal, I'll take you both up for a ride. If you can stay

quiet for the entire ride and not say one word, I won't

charge you, but if you say one word it's ten dollars."

Stumpy and Martha agreed and up they went. The pilot did all

kinds of twists and turns, rolls and dives, but not a word

was heard. He did all his tricks over again, but still not a

word. They landed and the pilot turned to Stumpy, "By golly,

I did everything I could think of to get you to yell out,

but you didn't."

Stumpy replied, "Well, I was gonna say something when Martha

fell out, but ten dollars is ten dollars."

RB

[Sudo]

A police officer pulls a guy over for speeding and has the following

exchange:

Officer:

May I see your driver's license?

Driver:

I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI.

Officer:

May I see the owner's card for this vehicle?

Driver:

It's not my car. I stole it.

Officer:

The car is stolen?

Driver:

That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner's card in

the glove box when I was putting my gun in there.

Officer:

There's a gun in the glove box?

Driver:

Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the woman who

owns this car and stuffed her in the trunk.

Officer:

There's a BODY in the TRUNK?!?!?

Driver:

Yes, sir.

Hearing this, the officer immediately called his captain. The car was

quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached the driver

to handle the tense situation:

Captain:

Sir, can I see your license?

Driver:

Sure. Here it is.

It was valid.

Captain:

Who's car is this?

Driver:

It's mine, officer. Here's the owner' card.

The driver owned the car.

Captain:

Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there's a gun in

it?

Driver:

Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it.

Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box.

Captain:

Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told you said there's a body in

it.

Driver:

No problem.

Trunk is opened; no body.

Captain:

I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you

didn't have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glovebox, and

that there was a dead body in the trunk.

Driver:

Yeah, I'll bet the lying s.o.b. told you I was speeding, too

sudo

[Righteous Brother]

A HISTORY OF BALLS

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Did you know, in the mighty British Navy at the time of Empire building,

every sailing ship had cannon (the plural of cannon) for protection.

Cannon of the times required round iron cannonballs. A ship's master

wanted to store the cannonballs such that they could be available for

instant use when needed, but in a manner that would not let them roll

around the gun deck.

The solution devised was to stack them up in a square-based pyramid

next to the cannon. The top level of the stack had one ball, the next

level down had three, the next had nine, the next had sixteen, and so

on. Four levels would provide a stack of 30 cannonballs. The only

real problem was how to keep the bottom level from sliding out from

under the weight of the higher levels. To do this, they devised a small

brass plate referred to as a "brass monkey," with one rounded

indentation for each cannonball in the bottom layer.

Brass was used because the cannonballs wouldn't rust on the brass

monkey, but would rust on an iron one. When temperature falls, brass

contracts faster than iron. As it got cold on the gun decks, the

indentations in the brass monkey would get smaller than the iron

cannonballs they were holding. If the temperature got cold enough,

the bottom layer of cannonballs would pop out of the indentations,

spilling the entire pyramid over the deck. Thus it was, quite literally,

"cold enough to freeze the balls off a brass monkey."

And so, another familiar phrase became part of the language.

Now, aren't you glad you took the time to read this historical piece?

And you thought this was going to be a "dirty" story....shame on you.

RB

[Righteous Brother]

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead are on the run from the law when they find an old barn to hide out in. The police are close on their tails, so when the women find three sacks, they immediately jump into them.

About a minute later, a policeman comes into the barn and sees the suspicious-looking sacks. He kicks the first one.

"Meow," says the redhead.

"It must be a cat," thinks the policeman and he kicks thesecond sack.

"Woof," says the brunette.

"Must be a dog," thinks the policeman and he kicks the third sack.

"Potatoes," says the blonde.

RB

[greasie]

There was a priest that loved to stream fish.

One year there was a problem every time he had a chance to go fishing the weather was bad or it was on Sunday, when he had to work. All year he was unable to go. Finally it was the last week before the streams closed. The weather was bad all week until Sunday, when the weather was great.

The priest could not resist, he called a fellow priest claiming to be very sick and asked if he could take over his sermon. The fly fishing priest drove over 200 miles, not wishing to see anyone he knew.

An angel seeing the priest playing hooky went to God and said "You?re not going to let him get away with this are you?".

God agreed he should do something. The first cast the priest made was perfect. The fly floated past a log and a huge mouth gulped the fly down. For 45 minutes the priest ran up and down the stream fighting the mighty fish. At the end he held a 50" world record rainbow trout.

Confused the angel asked God, "What are you doing?"

God replied "Think about it, who's he going to tell?"

Give a man a fish and he will eat for the day. Teach him to fish and he will spend the day in a boat drinking beer.

[Zixar]

The cardinal was coming to visit a very poor parish, and the priest did not know how he was going to serve a meal fit for him. The groundskeeper said, "Well, Father, I suppose I could try to catch something out of the stream."

"Splendid! The Lord will provide!" said the priest.

The groundskeeper took his rod and reel down to the stream and fished for hours. Finally, he felt a big tug on his line, and after several minutes of struggle, landed the biggest trout he had ever seen. Removing the hook, he picked up the fish and exclaimed "Son of a bitch! Look at that!"

He had not seen the Mother Superior approach, and was startled to hear her shout "WHAT did you just say?!?!"

"Oh, hello Mother Superior. Um, that's just the type of fish this is, a sonofabitch fish. Won't it make a lovely supper for the cardinal?"

"Oh, yes, indeed it will. I'd better take it along and get Sister Sara to start the stove."

The Mother Superior took the fish into the kitchen and starts cleaning it. Sister Sara comes in and says "What an excellent fish!" The Mother Superior says, "Yes, God has certainly blessed us. Now, start the stove while I clean the son of a bitch."

"MOTHER SUPERIOR!!!!"

"What? Oh! No, that's the type of fish this is, a sonofabitch fish."

The priest wanders into the kitchen to see what's going on. "Praise be! What a lovely fine fish for the cardinal's supper!" Sister Sara asks "Oh, yes Father, truly a blessing! How do you want the son of a bitch cooked?"

"SISTER SARA!!!"

"What? Oh! No, that's the type of fish this is, a sonofabitch fish." The Mother Superior nods her head in agreement with Sister Sara.

"Oh! Okay, hand me the cornmeal and I'll fry it while you two prepare the rest of the meal."

The cardinal arrives, and Sister Sara proudly serves the Cardinal his fish dinner. After he finishes, the cardinal says, "Faith, but that was as fine a fish as ever I've eaten! Pray tell me how it came to pass?"

The priest says proudly, "Well, Your Eminence, the groundskeeper caught the son of a bitch, The Mother Superior cleaned the son of a bitch, I fried the son of a bitch, and Sister Sara served you the son of a bitch!"

The cardinal looks at the priest for a moment, then kicks back in his chair, puts his feet up on the dinner table, lights a cigar and says "You know, you f*ckers are all right!"

[Righteous Brother]

A fellow is getting ready to tee-off on the first hole . . .

when a second fellow approaches and asks if he can join him.

The first says that he usually plays alone, but agrees to

let the second guy join him. Both are even after the first

couple of holes. The second guy says, "Say, we're about

evenly matched, how about we play for five bucks a hole?"

The first fellow says that he usually plays alone and

doesn't like to bet but agrees to the terms. Well, the

second guy wins the rest of the holes and as they're walking

off of the eighteenth hole, and while counting his $80.00,

he confesses that he's the pro at a neighboring course and

likes to pick on suckers.

The first fellow reveals that he's the Parish Priest at the

local Catholic Church to which the second fellow gets all

flustered and apologetic and offers to give the Priest back

his money. The Priest says, "No, no. You won fair and

square, and I was foolish to bet with you. You keep your

winnings."

The Pro says, "Well, is there anything I can do to make it

up to you?"

The Priest says, "Well, you could come to Mass on Sunday

and make a donation. Then If you bring your mother and

father by after Mass, I'll marry them for you.

RB

[84]

The addendum to that joke is.......

The bell ringer's son wants to follow in father's footsteps. Oddly enough, he is afflicted in the same manner. Also oddly enough the same thing happens to him as his father. When the crowd gathers round and asks who was that man, the priest responds,

"I don't know, but he's a dead ringer for the last one..........."

The artist formerly known as Kaiserverbalsushikint. (I've lost track..........)

[84]

Two atoms meet in the street.

One says to the other, "I think I lost an electron."

Second one says, "Are you sure?"

First one says, "Yes, I'm 'positive' "

The artist formerly known as Kaiserverbalsushikint. (I've lost track..........)

[Righteous Brother]

Ole, Lars and Sven had been going to the Sons of Norway hall meeting as long as there had been a hall. And every month, wouldn't ya know it, they didn't win a prize in the monthly drawing. That is until the last meeting Sven was the first one of the three to get his name drawn. He won two pounds of spaghetti sauce, four boxes of noodles, and three pounds of Swedish meatballs.

Ole had his name drawn next. He got himself round trip tickets to Duloot, (Duluth) a nights stay at the Dew Drop Inn and a pair of tickets to see the Inger triplets Polka Ensemble. Ole thought that he had died and gone to heaven.

Lars was the last one to have his name drawn, he won a toilet brush.

At the next monthly meeting, they sat down together to check out how they had fared for the past month.

Sven said, "Uff da, I had dat pasghetti for tree days. It vas so good, and Helga didn't have to buy food for them dere tree days."

Ole said, "Lena was so happy vhen I brought home dem tickets. The trip up to Duloot was nice, we got to ride da Greyhound, and you know, they got a built in outhouse on dat dere bus. And the Inger Triplets, if I didn't know better, I would swear dey were sisters."

Then Ole turned to Lars, and asked him how his prize worked out. Lars looks at them both and says, "Dat dere toilet brush is nice, but cha know, I tink I'll go back to using paper."

RB

[Righteous Brother]

This is WIERD! Try it. It only takes about 30 seconds. Don't cheat!

Think of a letter between A and W.

Repeat it out loud as you scroll down.

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Keep going . . . Don't stop . . .

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Think of an animal that begins with that letter.

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Repeat it out loud as you scroll down.

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Now, Think of a man's/woman's name that begins with the last letter in that animals name.

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Say it out loud as you scroll down.

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Almost there........

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Now count out the letters in that name on the fingers of the hand you are not using to scroll down.

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Take the hand you counted with and hold it out in front of you at face level.

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Look at your palm very closely and notice the lines in your hand.

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Do the lines take the form of the first letter in the persons name?

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Of course not

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Now smack yourself in the head, get a life,

and quit playing stupid e-mail games.

RB

[onegod]

The Norwegians and Swedes were having one of their border disputes -- with their soldiers facing each other across the border.

At one point, the Swedes, getting pretty aggressive, threw a lot of dynamite sticks over the border at the Norwegians.

Well, this pretty much annoyed the Norwegians -- so they lit all the fuses and threw them back.

hmm the light seems on - is anyone home??

[Righteous Brother]

Q. What did the post card say from the blonde?

A. Having a good time. Where am I?

RB

[Steve!]

That's pretty funny.

I just got a postcard the other day -

"The weather is here. Wish you were beautiful."

[84]

My friend George sent me a postcard of a satellite picture of the Earth. On the back he wrote," Having a great time, wish you were here."

George is an AM radio announcer, and when he walks under a bridge, you can't hear him talk.

(thanks to Steven Wright)

The artist formerly known as Kaiserverbalsushikint. (I've lost track..........)

[Cindy!]

Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs are roaming in the forest when they come across a lake. The water was enticing and Snow White decides to take a bath. So she tells the Dwarfs to turn around while she is taking a bath in the lake. The Dwarfs protest vehemently because they want to take a bath, too. Snow White relents and says, "When I get into the water and you hear the splash, you can turn around." Snow White undresses and as she is about to jump into the water, at that very moment, she is startled by a frog who jumps into the water before she can. The moment the Dwarfs hear the SPLASH, they turn around and see Snow White standing NAKED. Now, given that this incident is an idea for a TV ad, what product is being advertised?

[Righteous Brother]

uh... viagra?

RB

[Cindy!]

*BUZZ* no, but thanks for playing!!!!

(hint: seven dwarfs, think about it)

[Zixar]

7-Up?

[Cindy!]

You got it, Zixy!!!

Care for a sip????? (muhahaha)