Self-Inflicted: The Long, Slow Realization of Wierwille's Avid Plagiarism and Sexual Predation
By
skyrider,
in About The Way
By
skyrider,
in About The Way
Recommended Posts
outandabout
Yeah, we were taught how wrong fear is, but it was natural to fear being reproved and yelled at and shamed at any moment. Then feeling guilty for being afraid, because fear was negative believing, therefore anything bad that happened was one's own fault. At least that's the mental hell I experienced.
Link to comment
Share on other sites
Beguiled
@Lifted Up
My post in this thread is the first time I've ever let the universe know about what happened. I was in FC 18 if anyone was there or knows anyone from that time. I know the exact person who did it and her entire family is still strongly in TWI as far as I know.
"Saying" those words in an internet forum to complete strangers made me reach out to my brother who is younger than me and I told him about it. All he said was he knew I've been dealt bad cards my whole life and didn't even want to talk about it. I am 6 months shy of 40 and haven't cried this much in decades, or ever. Clearly a valve opened up, but the lack of understanding from my family has been devastating. I can't even talk to my parents because they are still "going strong" in TWI.
Looking back it is clear that it is this one incident that fractured my entire family by making me pull inside myself. In turn I started acting out against my parents and started bullying my brother. I almost feel worse for my brother now, he has no love in his heart because of my reaction to being raped and how I treated him afterward. He literally told me he doesn't understand why people need family and love and support. I died inside. He is more scarred than I. I am the typical older sibling who has jumped from career to career and he is extremely rich/wealthy now through a very hard work ethic because of my bullying. Ironically he is the exact type of person I despise and believe are ruining the world and I had no idea.
I've confronted my parents about other things regarding TWI throughout the years and my mother just defends everything in typical fashion by turning a blind eye or citing the same bs we all know and have heard a million times.
And for the record, my incident occurred while my parents were on LEAD as well. I remember because I balled my eyes out as I was scared for my parents being alone and hitchhiking for a week. Even at a young age I knew you could get the same experiences doing something much safer. But wtf do I know?
I quit a teaching job at a university right before covid hit as they were about to give me tenure so I could be the stay at home parent for my first born. (Don't feel bad for me it was a good decision.) I decided to have a child finally because I realized how miserable I have been chasing money and having no love in my life. It was and is scary but I am so grateful I had the self awareness to go against the grain of what society thinks I should do. It has taken me 3 decades to be able to love another human being, and I am grateful that I'm late to the party instead of missing it entirely. TWI definitely engrained into me that what people think of you matters and you better fit in or else you aren't welcome. (Eventually I was marked and avoided!)
Now at almost 40, everyday I have to wake up and fight what society expects and instead do what is good for me. I've never done anything good for myself and I don't even know if I know how. But I'm trying. I'm trying real hard to keep it together.
(I have so much anger that my parents always pick TWI over me even as I write this. Any help on letting that go would be greatly appreciated.)
Edited by BeguiledLink to comment
Share on other sites
Rocky
Have you reached out directly to Lifted Up? I'm confident he has comforting words that will make sense to you.
Edited by RockyTake care and I hope your child and family are well.
Link to comment
Share on other sites
penworks
Beguiled, I hope you find comfort here amongst many of us who know and understand the truth of what you're saying. Thank you for trusting the goodwill of GSC folks to open your heart like you did. It grieves me to learn what happened to you. And saddens me that your family rejects you to cling to TWI. Empathy is not the easiest thing to convey in an online post, but you can be sure you have it coming from me.
Wishing you the best with your new child and creating a life of love and joy!
Link to comment
Share on other sites
T-Bone
Hi Beguiled,
I am blown away by your openness and honesty!
That’s a tough situation with your parents choosing TWI over you - I hope something works out down the road. Not that you are part of the problem – but rather you are part of the solution – because they are the ones still stuck in the rabbit hole of a bizarre mindset…There’s something so hypocritical about TWI claiming that PFAL develops more harmony in the home (as stated on the back of the green PFAL sign-up card) and yet – truth be told - many longstanding grads found themselves in ultimatum-type-situations…with the pressure of TWI leadership challenging…or rather demanding one choose between “The Word” or family/friends/spouse.
I was neither a victim nor a predator in TWI – but I was in training to be a good facilitator in Family Corps 11. Facilitate: make (an action or process) easy or easier; aid; expedite, promote, grease the wheels; open doors. Without all their trained flunkies – I mean facilitators – I wonder where would TWI be now?
I left in 1986 – during our corps field assignment year – so I never did graduate – I began addressing the mounting doubts and questions I had. And as I talked to others who had left – and then later joining Grease Spot in 2006 - it was always the accounts of moral depravity that were deeply troubling – and still are to me.
Maybe initially it was over intellectual or doctrinal reasons that I left – but getting really pi$$ed off at the hypocrisy and corruption sealed the deal for me…That’s one of the reasons why I keep posting on Grease Spot and why I think posts like yours, Lifted Up and others are so important – in hope that something said will lodge a question or doubt…resonate… and gain traction in the mind of some good little old facilitator who visits Grease Spot – and maybe they then take stock of their commitments and what kind of organization they’ve been promoting…and if they leave that’s one less flunky to grease the wheels of an abusive cult.
You mentioned covid – I have to say one of the things we’ve been doing lately during the pandemic is looking at some old home videos of vacations and visiting relatives - all these videos were made AFTER we left TWI…(on a side note – when we were in TWI we never took vacations or rarely visited relatives due to lack of money or time for such “worldly things”)…anyway - aside from enjoying the videos of typical scenic and fun stuff while on vacations – we really got into some of the “break times” - some might even say boring stuff – like being in a motel by Lake Murray State Park in Oklahoma…I’m videoing the kids jumping all over the beds…but missed it when our daughter fell off the bed and hurts her hand (nothing serious though)…so our son immediately becomes a channel 11 reporter at the scene - addresses the camera and holding a pretend microphone begins to tell us what happened and then proceeds to reenact the whole incident – even doing his own stunt I might add…we would just die laughing watching simple stuff like that – and so thankful we left TWI and chose to put our family first.
I wish you, your new child and the rest of your family the best and hope you get to make lots of good memories.
Edited by T-Boneformatting and typos
Link to comment
Share on other sites
WordWolf
Beguiled?
Please don't blame yourself for what happened to your brother. You both were abused by twi and in twi. They abused your parents- who then abused both of you, and they abused both of you directly. Both of you had to learn to survive in the face of what they all did to both of you. Decades of callous people surrounding his every action, with callous parents modeling his behavior, resulted in him becoming a callous person and thinking that's how you're supposed to be- that it's "NORMAL" because that was "normal" in his upbringing. It's sad, but as an adult, he now has chances to be exposed to other people and learn differently, today, tomorrow, whenever. That's up to him now.
I'm well aware that many people have become non-Christian or angry at God post-twi. Many have not, as well. I'm not going to tell you that you have to be one or the other. I will say that you can still pray for them and for yourself (or not, if it doesn't suit you.) Either way, you'll need to learn to forgive yourself for surviving the experience. I'm not sure I can tell you how, but thousands of us/people have gone on to happy lives post-twi, and you can be one of us/them.
Oh, and you don't have to be a PERFECT Dad, just love your kid and do your best. I've found that making the effort gets better results than supposedly excellent parents who don't seem to want to invest the time and energy in their kid.
Link to comment
Share on other sites
JavaJane
Beguiled, my family was also part of the FC, but I cannot remember the number. I was too old to join them , so I was sent out WOW Ambassador in the last wave. You might remember my brothers - they were probably there around the same time as you. My family was made mark and avoid TWICE while they were in residence. When they finally decided to stop trying to come back, I was left in a hard place. I was 20-something and living by myself with other believers on the other side of the country. I was told that if I wanted to "stand in the gap" and protect my family from being completely destroyed [read: killed in horrible ways] by the Adversary, then I needed to cut off all contact with them. So I did. Because I didn't want them to die. I said horrible things to them, I refused to see them, and cut them out of my life. And I really believed that by doing so, by STANDING ON THE WORD (TM) I would save their lives.
But I changed. It took years, and the whole time I thought I was doing the right thing, because I loved my family.
Do what you need to do to take care of yourself and give that child of yours that childhood you never got, and the family support you never received. Let your child see a happy parent, living beyond the hurt caused by the past. And keep holding some hope that your family relationships may be healed one day.
My relationships with family are strong now. We love each other. We text stupid jokes to each other. Mom gets irritated because sometimes we are sending group texts to each other in the middle of the night about how much we like her lasagna. I never thought this would happen back in those dark days. Back then I thought they were all devil possessed, trying to keep me from serving God. Now they are family again, and they still understand me better than most people.
Know that I am proud of you for seeing things for what they are. And I am so sorry about your parents. I hope they wake up. I hope they can see that the world around them isn't full of devil spirits waiting to pop out and attack them from anyone outside their group. I hope they can stop being afraid and start loving and living.
But I know one thing for sure - you will never do to your child what they did to you. You will protect your child. Because you know what it is like, and that cycle will stop with you.
Link to comment
Share on other sites
Bolshevik
The grave accepts folks from those days every day. There's no point waiting for change.
Give them new names in your mind. They cannot be who they are needed to be. Frame them as someone else. Your expectations can then be lower.
Link to comment
Share on other sites
Beguiled
@JavaJane
We were at the rock of ages sitting there to go WoW when Martindale decided we would not be going and that WoW would be cancelled. We then got sent to a new location obviously, where my family was kicked out of the corps by someone who had a personal vendetta against my father. That member was released from TWI and then TWI apologized to my family for being kicked out but that they would not restore their corps status. This affected all of us very profoundly.
I was told my birth was also an accident when my parents were in the Corps training at Emporia(?), at which point they were kicked out of training. They returned to complete their training with my brother and I in the family corps. So even at my birth I ruined their spiritual plans and they never deviated from them. They were kicked out of the corp twice, essentially. Yet they keep grasping on to something that was never their earthy family.
I have tried so many times to lovingly discuss and confront things with my parents. Their minds are so messed up they have an answer for everything, and it's sad that the words are never their own. I just don't deal with them. They essentially don't exist to me. No point in wasting energy. It has taken me this long on this earth to finally learn that being angry just wastes energy better spent elsewhere. I have a ton of accomplishments in my life and they were all achieved through anger. I'm learning to let go.
Edited by BeguiledLink to comment
Share on other sites
JavaJane
You are a strong person, @Beguiled . That weird year they cancelled WOW was a mess. I guess all of those years were messes, truth be told.
Sometimes the best thing you can do is walk away, even when it is family. Too much damage and hurt to try and fix - and you and your child come first. You made a new family, and that has to be the priority.
I hope for the best for you. There are a few of us who were "raised in the Word" on here - @Bolshevik and I are just two of them. Any time you need to commiserate or blow off steam, know that we get it. This is a good place to come, because how many other people out there in the world grew up in a group like ours? Welcome to the club, my friend.
Link to comment
Share on other sites
Rocky
Not so fast. Don't let go of what motivated you to accomplish a ton of things. Just be cautious that you don't let it eat you up.
Edited by RockyLink to comment
Share on other sites
Grace Valerie Claire
Beguiled, thank you for your post. I am sure, it wasn't easy to write. I am old enough to be your mother. I had a very unhappy childhood, and blamed my mother for a lot of the terrible S--t, that happened to me. Much of this S--t happened over 50 years ago. I have had many therapists over the years; some were good, some weren't. However, the therapist I have now is by far, the best one I have ever had. I have had him for over a year, and the VA is paying him for another year of therapy for me. Also, I have a wonderful Doctor who monitors my meds for me. In my experience, therapy and medication has been a huge help in overcoming the anger I had at my mother, and other family members. I wish you well on your journey to health, and happiness.
Link to comment
Share on other sites
Allan
We were in Family Corp Indiana F25 ? In a room next door to a couple whose parents were staff at Ohio. We got tired of laying in bed trying to sleep because the couple had screaming matches every other night over an ongoing affair between the husband and another woman whose parents were ALSO staff at Ohio. We even went to our campus co-ordinator to complain BUT because the parents were staff...well...nothing was done. There were a few single moms in-residence as well and some of them would be flirting big time with married men. It was about the time where my wife and I walked into the corps kitchen and one of them was sitting on a bench licking an ice cream cone and looking suggestively at me that we both (after strong urging from my wife lol) decided to leave Sodom :) We were also frequently getting phone calls from the oirish git of a country co-ord back in New Zealand yelling at us that our marriage was so f---ed up. We flew back home even then willing to stay involved in twi BUT PRAISE GOD the Oirish wank sent someone round to tell us we were no longer welcome....HALLELUJAH !!!
Edited by Allanleft something out
Link to comment
Share on other sites
outandabout
Regarding Beguiled's mention of Martindale cancelling WOW that year - WHAT AN A-HOLE!!! (Martindale that is) What total DISREGARD for all the plans, sacrifices and inconvenient changes people had to make in their lives to go WOW. Then they get to the ROCK and it's "Ooops sorry, it's a no-go. Guess you'll just have to figure out what else to do now". What an A-hole. He could just drive his fancy car back to the Corps Chalet and congratulate himself on the great spiritual stand he just took against the devil. What an A-hole.
Edited by outandaboutLink to comment
Share on other sites
Grace Valerie Claire
Way, great post!! You made me laugh!
Link to comment
Share on other sites
Join the conversation
You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.