Severing Family/Church Ties and ....The Destruction of Self

[At A Loss]

On ‎10‎/‎16‎/‎2018 at 5:43 PM, Twinky said:

 

No, people didn't become legalistic overnight.  Fear was instilled from early on in fellowships, sometimes subtly, sometimes more overtly, depending on who was in charge at any given time.  It came from the top - from the beginning.  Probably based how VPW was raised, in a more formal environment nearly a century ago; and with perhaps an even stricter German adherence to how things ought to be; and then, when the money started to flow in, an increasing desire to retain control.

So you take your wannabe leaders (Corps), convince them that being hard on people is "tough love" and is really showing the love of God; instill deeper fear into them because they've already given up a lot to enter the Corps program; bully and intimidate those that you can do this to (and throw out those you can't intimidate enough); make a few scapegoats where you can, using quite petty examples of rule-infraction (those that you throw out are good for this purpose); and then when you've rebuilt your victims, these remaining bullied people, in your own image, you can use them to transmit this "tough love" approach to intimidate those lower down the pecking order. 

It is exactly how abusers "condition" their victims.  It's known as "coercive control."  And those victims that managed to survive oftentimes become "twice the child of hell" (Mt 23:15) as their teachers, and meantime the teachers can appear lily-white and say that wasn't what happened at all, and they, the teachers, did everything for the good of the victim.  Just like abusers all do.

Other bullied people might themselves have had a bullying and/or manipulative nature, and they used this as a strength to help them rise in power, prestige, whatever.  T-Bone says that Corps training was like sprinkling Miracle-Gro on our faults.  I certainly think he has a good point there.

I get a much better understanding of why my family finds itself in the current situation that we are in with the ex way leaders my son married into, or rather current R&R nuts that have my grandson.  It would seem their daughter was very conditioned to mark and avoid my son and entire family when he would not join in and be a part of their life choices.  I wish the little guy would have been older and had the ability to talk to and bond with this side of the family before they moved her and the baby under their roof, but no doubt they would have been able to manipulate him regardless of age.  They have the tough love down pat.  They certainly claim to be doing good for their victims, who happen to be their own children and grandchildren. Our last visit the end of Sept. was nice to see the little guy!  He enjoyed being with us and ran around playing and saying daddy :) but they now tell him to call my son by his name instead because he was saying daddy too much after our visit.  Alienation! it is evil what they are doing.  I could seriously throw up every time I have to look at Greg Lewis.  His crazy wife at least stays away for the most part now when we do exchanges.  She was FURIOUS the judge allowed us to see the little guy at all.  She really believed she could just write the rules.  Unfortunately they have for the most part!  Horrible people. She quotes VPW and thinks he walks on water - completely delusional wanting to rebuild the fellowship. 

[Rocky]

3 hours ago, At A Loss said:

I get a much better understanding of why my family finds itself in the current situation that we are in with the ex way leaders my son married into, or rather current R&R nuts that have my grandson.  It would seem their daughter was very conditioned to mark and avoid my son and entire family when he would not join in and be a part of their life choices.  I wish the little guy would have been older and had the ability to talk to and bond with this side of the family before they moved her and the baby under their roof, but no doubt they would have been able to manipulate him regardless of age.  They have the tough love down pat.  They certainly claim to be doing good for their victims, who happen to be their own children and grandchildren. Our last visit the end of Sept. was nice to see the little guy!  He enjoyed being with us and ran around playing and saying daddy :) but they now tell him to call my son by his name instead because he was saying daddy too much after our visit.  Alienation! it is evil what they are doing.  I could seriously throw up every time I have to look at Greg Lewis.  His crazy wife at least stays away for the most part now when we do exchanges.  She was FURIOUS the judge allowed us to see the little guy at all.  She really believed she could just write the rules.  Unfortunately they have for the most part!  Horrible people. She quotes VPW and thinks he walks on water - completely delusional wanting to rebuild the fellowship. 

Parental alienation is very real. I figure you've already discovered that and have read some on the issue.

I went through it and it devastated me for all of my daughter's teen years. I am most thankful that when she turned 20 (and happened to be pregnant by the young man she eventually married), my daughter initiated reconciliation with me. I now have two wonderful grandchildren who I adore.

Even though I know the pain such alienation causes, I'd be encouraged that your grandson still has affection for your son.

This article spells out some of the issues. The last paragraph has crucial guidance. During the years I suffered great emotional pain, I was convinced my ex-wife did have borderline personality disorder. If she did, she seems to have grown out of it.

If you suspect at all that your soon to be ex-spouse or current spouse, has any degree of a personality disorder mentioned about, be cautious.

Don’t react to their defiance and/or eventual provocations. Do respond in the way that you have been and with further love and limits. Don’t accuse the other parent or refer to the other parent in that way: do take the high road. Be very aware of your own boundaries and how/if/when they are being crossed. If you have concerns, talk to a professional. When a child changes behavior there is always something behind it. When a child shows signs of alienation, there is always a perpetrator lurking.

 

[Twinky]

I feel for you, At A Loss.  Best you show the little lad what real love is, on the few occasions you are allowed to see him.  Reassure him.  Without doubt when he returns home, he will behave differently and his boundaries will be subtly changed (for which you will be blamed, when he is "out of control" (ha ha)).  Obviously you will have some boundaries that he must adhere to, but these will be reasonable boundaries.  He will undoubtedly rebel in his current circumstances when he gets to teen years (and able to make up his own mind) and you want his alternative choice to be you, and not the street, or a gang, or drugs. 

He may be rather strange and act oddly at that time, and that's not just teenage angst.  (Most of us had become rather disturbed adults when we "got out;" how much worse for a child?)  Be patient; it can take years to overcome the terrors of abuse.  Just as it takes years to "destroy the self," so it takes years to "rebuild the self."

[Allan]

So, have I read this right ? R&R are just as bad as TWI was/are ? I know a leopard doesn't change it's spots BUT you'd think if it was given a chance at a new life it would certainly be out trying to source a bottle of bleach ?!

[WordWolf]

5 hours ago, Allan said:

So, have I read this right ? R&R are just as bad as TWI was/are ? I know a leopard doesn't change it's spots BUT you'd think if it was given a chance at a new life it would certainly be out trying to source a bottle of bleach ?!

An ex-twi group founded by people who stood by and did nothing while others were kicked out, who played along and smeared reputations for people who were kicked out or who left in disgust, who did nothing when thousands of others brought up all the obvious problems but rather played along with silencing dissent and taking a share of the loot......

those people were the founders of an ex-twi group who turned around and made their own version of the same corruption in twi.  Gee, who would have guessed?