Ron's Official List of Christmas Eating Tips

[Ron G.]

1. Avoid carrot sticks. Anyone who puts carrots on a

holiday buffet table knows nothing of the Holiday

spirit. In fact, if you see carrots, leave immediately.

Go next door, where they're serving rum balls.

2. Drink as much eggnog as you can. And quickly.

It's rare... You cannot find it any other time of

year but now. So drink up! Who cares that it has

10,000 calories in every sip? It's not as if you're

going to turn into an eggnog-alcoholic or something.

It's a treat. Enjoy it. Have one for me. Have two.

It's later than you think. It's Christmas!

3. If something comes with gravy, use it. That's the

whole point of gravy. Gravy does not stand alone.

Pour it on. Make a volcano out of your mashed

potatoes. Fill it with gravy. Eat the volcano.

Repeat.

4. As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they're

made with skim milk or whole milk. If it's skim,

pass. Why bother? It's like buying a sports car with

an automatic transmission.

5. Do not have a snack before going to a party in an

effort to control your eating. The whole point of

going to a Holiday party is to eat other people's

food for free. Lots of it. Hello?

6. Under no circumstances should you exercise

between now and New Year's. You can do that in

January when you have nothing else to do. This is

the time for long naps, which you'll need after

circling the buffet table while carrying a 10-pound

plate of food and that vat of eggnog.

7. If you come across something really good at a

buffet table, like frosted Christmas cookies in the

shape and size of Santa, position yourself near them

and don't budge. Have as many as you can before

becoming the center of attention. They're like a

beautiful pair of shoes. If you leave them behind,

you're never going to see them again.

8. Same for pies. Apple, Pumpkin, Mincemeat. Have a

slice of each. Or if you don't like mincemeat, have

two apples and one pumpkin. Always have three. When

else do you get to have more than one dessert?

Labor Day?

9. Did someone mention fruitcake? Granted, it's

loaded with the mandatory celebratory calories, but

avoid it at all cost. I mean, have some standards.

10. One final tip: If you don't feel terrible when

you leave the party or get up from the table, you

haven't been paying attention. Re-read tips; start

over, but hurry, January is just around the corner.

Remember this motto to live by:

"Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the

intention of arriving safely in an attractive and

well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways,

chocolate in one hand and wine in the other, body

thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming

"WOO HOO, what a ride!"

Have a great Christmas season!!!

[socks]

I like them Ron!

Also, a good practice - if it has cheese in it, on it or over it, have some!

[Human without the bean]

All good tips Ron.

I actively participate in tips # 1, 3, 4, 5, and 7, 9 any time of year.

I'm a year-round procrastinator when it come to exercise, so that fits right in.

I don't know why, it's ingrained or something with me, but I do not drink eggnog or eat

mincemeat pie.

Good list.

[Twinky]

Very important Chrissie eating tip - but not for you:

Don't forget to leave the required mince pie and glass of sherry out near the chimney, to refresh Santa after he's finished filling the Chrissie stockings.

(If you don't. he'll take all your pressies back with him.)

[Jim]

I'd add a tip from my brother. The best way to fix a stomach ache is to "eat through it".

[Ron G.]

Very important Chrissie eating tip - but not for you:

Don't forget to leave the required mince pie and glass of sherry out near the chimney, to refresh Santa after he's finished filling the Chrissie stockings.

(If you don't. he'll take all your pressies back with him.)

I think (but not sure) British mincemeat and American mincemeat pie are to different things. What most Americans call micemeat is really just a kind of raisin pie.

Send me some (maybe three or 4) and I'll let you know for sure. :D

[Kit Sober]

Thanks, Ron. Good instructions although I love fruitcake. I sure wish driving around looking at Christmas tree lights, wrapping presents, and putting up Christmas decorations was more exercise intense. Merry Christmas and happy new year.