The End

[Twinky]

I’m back in another country for a little while. My Corps notes and notes from all the classes I ever took are here. And also are letters from people I sponsored, who sponsored me, bless notes, etc etc etc.

I’ve reread some of those letters. The pain in letters from SPs in the 1993-95 period is amazing. It’s class after class, after confrontation and reproof session…all about being better “in the word”, and so on. You know the story.

There are letters from people I loved very deeply and many letters from someone I hoped for a future with. It didn’t happen. As so much didn’t.

The pain came back as fresh and hurtfully as then. Oh, what we went through!!!

I read some of the letters from these friends. I wept. I wept for the pain in their lives then, and in my life then, and for the missed opportunities and the broken hearts and the lives destroyed by leadership that didn’t or couldn’t care. By leadership that was misguided. By manipulation, sometimes.

I wept for myself. For what I had wanted, and lost. For the plans I had, that were thwarted.

I wept for the loving hearts of those who had cared and been deceived. I was reminded of the care and love we did once have for one another. For help that was genuinely given and received. What, one wonders, became of those people? May God bless them. And heal any remaining hurts or lingering pain.

Without doubt I will have been a cause of pain to some. I am so sorry for that.

There is a whole boxful of Corps notes and other such stuff. I am not even going to look at that. I don’t want to be reminded any more of it.

This evening I am going to “burn the chaff.” The Corps notes and class notes will go. The letters from friends – letters of love and tenderness and genuine appreciation, as well as the reproof “you could do better” / “be more meek” type of letters, will all go. It'll be a good time. Maybe even with a glass or 3 of Merlot to help :).

I hope to retain in my heart (and there alone) memories of good times, of genuine help and love given and received.

I am thankful for the new song in my mouth, in my heart. Ps 40:3. God’s love never fails and keeps us even through the darkest places.

[skyrider]

This evening I am going to “burn the chaff.” The Corps notes and class notes will go. The letters from friends – letters of love and tenderness and genuine appreciation, as well as the reproof “you could do better” / “be more meek” type of letters, will all go. It'll be a good time. Maybe even with a glass or 3 of Merlot to help :).

((twinky))

Take care of your heart. I know the hurt and feelings all too well.

If you need to talk pm me.

skyrider

[OldSkool]

You won't be sorry. Sometimes I wish I had held on to more but in the end I am glad it's gone. If need anything I will buy it from eBay, and the personal notes were an albatross for me. I wish you all the best!!

[Twinky]

Thanks, Sky and OldSkool.

Albatross... God has given me so much more now that my head is better in order. I see things at the Cafe and think, I have notes about that, I don't think that what so-and-so says is quite what happened. But really, what does it matter? A bit wrong, or a lot wrong? I don't care to argue about the past. I look forward to the future.

Every day with God is a new beginning.

A new beginning implies also an end to something. I figure, if it's important, or really real, God can teach me again, or remind me, or ... or whatever. He doesn't need contaminated notes to remind him, LOL.

[Twinky]

The deed is done. All those notes...what a huge pile. It has kept the woodburner busy for quite a number of hours. All ash now.

Maybe the ash will be of some use...improve the soil quality in the garden. As long as a Way tree does not decide to grow in it. LOL

[OldSkool]

As long as a Way tree does not decide to grow in it. LOL

:blink:

[OperaBuff]

Twinky, thank you for sharing this. I've done similar acts of cleansing, probably many of us have. It's very much like suffering the death of a loved one. At least it was for me. We grieve, then somehow, the seemingly impossible happens and we eventually heal. The truly good memories remain.

I've learned that, for me, I need to guard against false memory; don't allow time to play tricks upon my good nature and turn bad experiences of the past into fake good memories today. Screw that noise.

If the other country you are in is this one (US) please PM, maybe we are close and could meet up! That would rock.

[Rejoice]

This evening I am going to “burn the chaff.” The Corps notes and class notes will go. The letters from friends – letters of love and tenderness and genuine appreciation, as well as the reproof “you could do better” / “be more meek” type of letters, will all go. It'll be a good time. Maybe even with a glass or 3 of Merlot to help :).

I hope to retain in my heart (and there alone) memories of good times, of genuine help and love given and received.

I am thankful for the new song in my mouth, in my heart. Ps 40:3. God’s love never fails and keeps us even through the darkest places.

A few years back I did the same. I had held on to things for a very long time, but realized I needed FRESH AIR. So I burned notes and syllabi in the fireplace, I tore pages from the books written by VPW because I did not want them found and read by any goodhearted seeker of God. I ripped up cassette tapes and teachings, and boxed up scraps in plastic bags to be taken by the trash truck. When it was done, I toasted the whole event with Chardonnay.

And you know what? A gentle cleansing breeze blew threw the screen door. It was as if God was saying, "It is Done". I felt so light. The memories of good times and good people remain in my heart. The rest of it is burned chaff. Life is renewed and renewing.

[Ham]

I didn't want my kids to end up having to deal with it..

The only thing I have left are a few books by Bullinger. Well, I tried giving an individual all books, notes, syllabi to sell on ebay before I had computer hooked up to internet, but it ended up in the "repository" of an off-shoot.

When I pass from this existence, they will probably give all this junk to my kids..

I should have done what you did, Twinky..

[Twinky]

It took a long time to burn it all (such a lot of time and effort invested in writing the bloody notes in the first place!!).

And, Rejoice, the reason I did it was exactly because I didn't want anybody else getting polluted by reading it.

It was a difficult decision, OB, very like mourning, though mourning for the death of decent relationships that never flowered as they should. And for the hurt in the lives of all of us with honest hearts who were so deceived and ripped apart and hurt.

Once I'd made the decision, the act was quite easy.

I believe there are some books somewhere; these haven't been returned to me yet. All the PFAL books, collaterals, and later material. LCM's Rise & Expansion book. Lotsa money invested there. Will I read any of these again? Nah.

An ex-Wayfer friend lent me one of the collaterals for some reason, and JCNG. I couldn't get past the first page.

I think the tapes have been disposed of long ago. In particular, AoS and Mr Leotard's egotism.

I'm free - and staying that way.

[Thomas Loy Bumgarner]

Good Girl, Twinky

[excathedra]

awwwww twinky, you are such a true sweetheart

when i left the way and my dear husband, i left ALL files behind

the only time i wished i had not done that, was when i wanted to show people here the different bizzaro letters i had received from vp and lcm

oh well

you take care

[Twinky]

Agh, thought I had finished and the next day found 6 Corps notes spiral binders that I had not burned.

And then my friend who has been storing my materials has brought up from the cellar 5 boxes of stuff - books, class materials, ring binders for this and that, photos from classes(and yes, the Advanced Class Special was in 1992) - ugh, too much. I have filled two great big cardboard boxes with the stuff from the binders and the notebooks and other materials.

I was interested to find a pamphlet, "Forgers of the Word," by VPW. And I thought, that really is the kettle calling the pot black.

And some books ... who wants Uncle Harry (biography)? Well, too bad, I have torn the cover off and recycled the contents as paper and the cover will go as cardboard. Likewise with some other books.

But there are some books worth keeping, non-Way stuff. And a little bit of stuff I'm still undecided about.

And I found the rest of my journals, which I will keep. Somehow that seems important. At least, right now. If only to remember the bizarre stuff that happened. Even though the journals put the best most positive face on what was happening and try to express events as a learning curve and not the desperate misery that they sometimes were.

Excie, the bizarre letters ... none to me directly but the general tenor of some of the correspondence to WC is ... bizarre. And in the paper recycling box, LOL.

[excathedra]

oh sniff sniff i wanted uncle harry's biography ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha

i wanted to see if i was mentioned in there when he grabbed my boob and said, "Oh, how young and firm"!

i can't remember if i kept a journal. i know i wrote a "from birth to the corps" paper -- how gross -- like that was the culmination of my success in life. it was actually used against me since i was honest in it and how i was abused as a kid

i did have some corps notes i would like to have kept -- there is drool all over them and something about chocolate chip cookies when i was sleeping and dreaming during corps night

oh if you could only see it in the original

hey twinky -- good one about forgers of the word

love,e

[Twinky]

Sorry, excie, didn't look to see if you were mentioned, but I'm sure you will forgive me for not looking again.

I avoided that "Birth to Corps" paper (thank God). If I'd had to do one, I think it would have been a selective version. Some things are just ... private. Not that I have any big secrets or truly dreadful things that happened to me.

I'm really glad I didn't have to do that. I am very thankful to both my parents, who did their honest best even though it was a bit hard and difficult (for all of us) at times. They laid the groundwork that enabled God to build in my life.

Two boxfuls of junk, I mean Corps notes and syllabi and such like. Including the contents of a few books (like R&E). I have never destroyed a book before. It was a weird thing to do.

[excathedra]

i also found it almost sacrilegious to destroy a book

[krys]

It depends on the book!

[mstar1]

Maybe the ash will be of some use...improve the soil quality in the garden

I wouldnt pour that poison in my garden. Personally Id take the ashes and send them back to TWI.

"Here's your poison back"

[waysider]

Books are just, paper and glue. It's the information they contain that impacts their readers.

I don't think you need worry that the information in those books will be lost.

There are plenty of people left from TWI days who will go to their graves making sure that information lives on. (unfortunately)

Edited February 19, 2012 by waysider

[Twinky]

I wouldnt pour that poison in my garden. Personally Id take the ashes and send them back to TWI.

"Here's your poison back"

Dunno, mstar, might be pouring more good money after money badly spent!

I don't know what the householder does with ash, whether garden or garbage. I take the view that the contents are "purified by fire" (so long as the woodburner is hot enough, and it does get hot!!) so the ash should be "purified" ... anyway there is enough paper content to light a good many fires, all through the winter I should think.

It would be good to revisit my research paper. I have often thought about it. No ministry "research" about that topic at all so I don't see it as contaminated, just my own sheer exploration and enjoyment of the whole of the Bible. I found the first and second drafts of my paper (marked "exemplary" in all respects except for use of ministry materials, what does that say!) but there was only ever one original and it disappeared into the depths of HQ and I've never seen it since.

With a wider choice of views and study materials now available to me, I might change my mind a bit ... but the core was about God's tender care for all aspects of life, and therefore living with integrity, and saying and doing the same thing. What true leadership is about. And living with integrity shouldn't change.

Hey, suggestions please on the best way to dispose of hundreds of SNS tapes and video tapes. Do they burn? - I don't want to set the house on fire or asphyxiate anyone! Would take ages to pull all the tapes from the cassettes and even then the contents aren't destroyed, there's just a big mess of tangled tape.

[JavaJane]

Smashing them with a hammer might be theraputic...

[Rocky]

The information on audio and video tapes is coded by way of magnetic processes. A large magnet can destroy the message on the tapes.