Lightbulb Jokes

[onegod]

Q: How many Calvinists does it take to change a lightbulb?

A: None. God has predestined when the lights will be on.

Q: How many liberals does it take to change a light bulb?

A: 10, as they need to hold a debate into whether or not the lightbulb exists. Even if they can agree upon the existence of the lightbulb they may not go ahead and change it for fear of alienating those who use fluorescent tubes.

Q: How many Catholics does it take to change a lightbulb?

A1: None. They always use candles instead. (UWCU)

A2. Two, one to do it and a priest to hear him confess and give the old bulb last rites. (Johannessen)

Q: How many Atheists does it take to change a lightbulb?

A1: None. Atheists don't believe in light bulbs. (Johannessen)

A2: One. But they are still in darkness. (UWCU)

Q: How many Pentecostals does it take to change a light bulb?

A: 10, one to change it and 9 others to pray against the spirit of darkness.

Q: How many TV evangelists does it take to change a lightbulb?

A: One. But for the message of hope to continue to go forth, send in your donation today.

Q:How many Episcopalians does it take to change a light bulb?

A:10. One to actually change the bulb and 9 to say how much they like the old one.

Q:How many Presbyterians does it take to change a light bulb?

A1:Well, it should require about five committees to review the idea first. If each is staffed with half a dozen members, that's what ... 30?

A2: (with dour expression) Change??

The Presby Philes

Q:How many members of the church of Christ does it take to change a light bulb?

A:5. One to change the bulb, 4 to serve refreshments.

Q:How many charismatics does it take to change a lightbulb?

A:Three, one to cast it out and two to catch it when it falls!

Q:How many conservatives does it take to change a lightbulb?

A:Three. One to change it and two to storm out in protest if the person changing it is a woman!

Q:How many missionaries does it take to change a light bulb?

A1:10. Five to determine how many can be changed by the year 2000, four to raise the necessary funds, one to go find a national to do the job! (UWCU)

A2. One, and thirty natives to see the light. (Johannassen)

(The above jokes, except those marked "Johannassen," were all received from the University of Warwick Christian Union)

Q. How many Christians does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A. Three, but they're really one.

Q. How many Quakers does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A. Ten to sit around in a circle until one feels the inner light.

Q. How many Hare Krishnas does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A. Ten, one to do it and the rest to dance around, play the tambourine, chant, and sing.

Q. How many fundamentalists does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A. THE BIBLE DOES *NOT* SAY *ANYTHING* ABOUT LIGHT BULBS!!!!

Q. How many Branch Davidians does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A1. None, they provide their own illumination.

A2. Nine, one to do it and the other eight to find a leg for him to stand on.

Q. How many agnostics does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A. None. Agnostics question whether light bulbs really exist.

Q. How many Zen Buddhists does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A. Two, one to screw it in and one not to screw it in.

(Erlend H. Johannessen)

Q: How many pro-choicers does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: Two, one to do it and one to assert that the bulb didn't exist before it was lit up.

Q: How many pro-lifers does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: Nine - four to block the entrance to the room, four to hold up pictures of burnt-out bulbs, and one to try and convince the person with the new bulb to let the room stay dark.

I could swear I just saw the light go on - are you sure no ones home??

[Steve!]

Q. How many psychologists?

A. Just one, but the light bulb really has to want to change.

Q. How many surrealists?

A. Soap.

Q. How many Denverites does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A. Two, but they usually use a hot tub.

Q. How many New Yorkers?

A. NONE OF YOUR F'IN BUSINESS!

Q. How many VietNam vets?

A. YOU CAN'T KNOW, MAN, YOU WEREN'T THERE!

Q. How many Californians?

A. 6 - one to change the bulb, 5 to "share the experience."

Q. How many programmers?

A. None, that's a hardware problem.

Q. How many plumbers?

A. That's the electrician's job!

Q. How many Microsoft employees?

A. None, they just revise the standard to be "dark".

Q. Why does it take 5 women with PMS?

A. CUZ IT JUST DOES!