as a 55 year old (sh!t) i feel responsible

[excathedra]

i feel like i should have known better in so many ways -- for myself -- and for all the unbelievably wonderful nice loving people i "witnessed to and undershepherded" -- but i really didn't know THEN what i know now

and i went into the f'ing way corps program from college where i got witnessed to and it was all downhill from there

i hope anyone i hurt knows i didn't mean it and even when i was trying to get through my own crap and told a couple of

oh i'm too ashamed to go on -- there were one or two girls (one i believe) where i said some spiritual f'ing crap about you know

later

[GeorgeStGeorge]

Well said. ;)

George

[excathedra]

i forgot to say please forgive me

[excathedra]

when i say one or two and that i'm not sure i sound like a liar

i think i may have discussed the lock box with another girl

but the one i'm talking about that i believe i hurt too much was the one who came back from our interim year of giving l. scum loserdale BJs while he talked to his gay wife on the phone

he told her the pressure he was under blah blah f'ing blah

i think i justified to her somehow and i cannot forgive myself for that

a couple years later maybe she saw

or maybe now i hope so

--

i can't really remember what i said to her -- i'm just thinking it was the same thing i was using in my head to excuse this horrible stuff

[waysider]

That's a very noble gesture, excie.

The ones who REALLY need to stop and apologize, though, are the ones who are out there, continuing to drag people in because they refuse to acknowledge the folly of it all.

[excathedra]

i am so not noble i am drunk

here is song that i wish could happen to me

but it never will

but i have jesus christ (should that be christ jesus lol puke)

waysider if don't put this song in right, fix it please

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=s-Xl17B-Z0A

[Ham]

I'm only 54 here..

well, for another four months.

it's easier if you count your age by primes. I am in my sixteenth prime. I need another six years to hit my seventeenth..

i am so not noble i am drunk

I would prefer better drugs, but they are not legal anymore..

[excathedra]

drunk but a real thinking person

anyway this is for my dear bud simonzee

i don't think this is self indulgent, i think it was a cry from the kids perhaps getting in to the way

whatev

for you my sweetie simon

[waysider]

Lookin' the big 61 in the face here. Where did it go? Would my life be any different if I hadn't gone to the park that night, 40 years ago, and run into a bunch of TWI-fers? More importantly, would life be any different for the people I unwittingly dragged into TWI? Well, life might be different for at least one.....He might still be alive.....There's no way to know for certain....I can't tell him I'm sorry....Although, I have stood at his grave and offered my apology to a cold piece of stone.

[excathedra]

ham, i'm sorry, but based on your post, i dont' think you understand or "get" anything i say

[excathedra]

forgive yourself waysider, he forgives you i'll bet

everything will come out in the end

[waysider]

[Ham]

I dunno. I remember an old animated video I was watching with my kids.

The dinosaurs were given an intellect and conscience..

they said something like "sorry, we all were beasts.."

how do you get over it..

[excathedra]

i don't know, but start by listening maybe to others, and realize everything is not funny

however, i should not say that because i know you don't think any of this is funny

but when i'm serious and you kind of make light of it (unintentionally) it hurts me

although i'm sure i've done that too many times to count

i'm just trying to be honest

love,e

[waysider]

[frank123lol]

Ex,The way int brought out alot of the worst in me.People need to made to feel special,not tore down to be rebuilt in the way monster mode.

[Ham]

i don't know, but start by listening maybe to others, and realize everything is not funny

however, i should not say that because i know you don't think any of this is funny

but when i'm serious and you kind of make light of it (unintentionally) it hurts me

although i'm sure i've done that too many times to count

i'm just trying to be honest

love,e

thanks friend..

[chockfull]

oh i'm too ashamed to go on

the guilt from the abused becoming the abuser. i go thru it too - i think we all do to one degree or another.

i'm just glad we broke the cycle...

love u

[Human without the bean]

Ex,The way int brought out alot of the worst in me.People need to made to feel special,not tore down to be rebuilt in the way monster mode.

Well said frank123lol.

[allswellhere99]

That's a very noble gesture, excie.

The ones who REALLY need to stop and apologize, though, are the ones who are out there, continuing to drag people in because they refuse to acknowledge the folly of it all.

AMEN, AMEN, AMEN

[newlife]

I know I felt like I became a totally different person when I was in TWI. I became just like whoever it was that I had as leadership. Sometimes, I think in the beginning, it was a survival mechanism. It became a solution to me.

I know I got tired of being yelled at and told I was possessed. So, I learned how to "imitate" people, found out the right phrases to use. And I definitely became exactly what I didn't want to be. I, too, feel for the people I hurt and hope they have healed. When I left, I prayed for them for a long time. Crazy making stuff. I am so glad that I got some help and healed myself...praises to God.