wordy stuff

[Kit Sober]

Ode to the English Plural

We'll begin with a box, and the plural is boxes,

But the plural of ox becomes oxen, not oxes.

One fowl is a goose, but two are called geese,

Yet the plural of moose should never be meese.

You may find a lone mouse or a nest full of mice,

Yet the plural of house is houses, not hice.

If the plural of man is always called men,

Why shouldn't the plural of pan be called pen?

If I speak of my foot and show you my feet,

And I give you a boot, would a pair be called beet?

If one is a tooth and a whole set are teeth,

Why shouldn't the plural of booth be called beeth?

Then one may be that, and there would be those,

Yet hat in the plural would never be hose,

And the plural of cat is cats, not cose.

We speak of a brother and also of brethren,

But though we say mother, we never say methren.

Then the masculine pronouns are he, his and him,

But imagine the feminine: she, shis and shim!

There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger; neither apple

nor pine in pineapple. English muffins weren't invented in

England . We take English for granted, but if we explore its

paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings

are square, and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a

pig.

And why is it that writers write, but fingers don't fing,

grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham?

Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend?

If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one

of them, what do you call it?

If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught?

If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?

Sometimes I think all the folks who grew up speaking English

should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane.

In what other language do people recite at a play and play at a

recital?

We ship by truck but send cargo by ship...

We have noses that run and feet that smell.

We park in a driveway and drive in a parkway.

And how can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same,

while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites?

You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language

in which your house can burn up as it burns down,

in which you fill in a form by filling it out, and

in which an alarm goes off by going on.

And in closing, if Father is Pop, how come Mother's not Mop?

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HUMOR OF THE DAY:

Etymological Conundra

• Is there another word for synonym?
• When a building's completed shouldn't it be called a built?
• Whose idea was it to have a letter "s" in the word "lisp"?
• Why has the word "monosyllabic" got five syllables?
• Why is "abbreviation" such a long word?
• Why is it so hard to remember the spelling of "mnemonic"?
• Why is it that the word "big" is smaller than the word "little," while the words "small" and "large" are the same size?
• Why is the word "synonymous" spelled differently than the word "same"?
• Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?
• Why do "overlook" and "oversee" mean opposite things?
• Why is there no other word for "thesaurus"?

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A paraprosdokian is a figure of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected in a way that causes the reader or listener to re-frame or reinterpret the first part. It is frequently used for humorous or dramatic effect.

I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list.

If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.

We never really grow up; we only learn how to act in public.

Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.

Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening,' and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.

To steal idea from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.

A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. My desk is a work station.

How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

Dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish.

A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don't need it.

Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says "In an emergency, notify:" I put " A DOCTOR."

I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

The voices in my head have some good ideas! 8 out of 10 of them say "Don't shoot".

I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to be devoured by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.

Some cause happiness wherever they go.. Others, whenever they go.

There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away.

I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not so sure.

You're never too old to learn something stupid.

To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.

Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.

A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it as when you are in it.

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

[Kit Sober]

A LICK AND A PROMISE

'I'll just give this a lick and a promise,' my mother said as she quickly mopped up a spill on the floor without moving any of the furniture. 'What is that supposed to mean?' I asked as in my young mind I envisioned someone licking the floor with his or her tongue. 'It means that I'm in a hurry and I'm busy canning tomatoes so I am going to just give it a lick with the mop and promise to come back and do the job right later. 'A lick and a promise' was just one of the many old phrases that our mothers, grandmothers, and others used that they probably heard from the generations before them to add color and emphasis without being mean or nasty. With the passing of time, many of these figures of speech become obsolete or even disappear. This is unfortunate because some of them are very appropriate and humorous, and because they aren't mean spirited, the truth they address can slide down easier. Here is a list of some of those memorable old phrases:

1. A Bone to Pick (someone who wants to discuss a disagreement)

2. An Axe to Grind (Someone who has a hidden motive. This phrase is said to have originated from Benjamin Franklin who told a story about a devious man who asked how a grinding wheel worked. He ended up walking away with his axe sharpened free of charge)

3. One bad apple spoils the whole barrel (one corrupt person can cause all the others to go bad if you don't remove the bad one)

4. At sea (lost or not understanding something)

5. Bad Egg (Someone who was not a good person)

6. Barking at a knot (meaning that your efforts were as useless as a dog barking at a knot.)

7. Barking up the wrong tree (talking about something that was completely the wrong issue with the wrong person)

8. Bee in your bonnet (To have an idea that won't let loose )

9. Been through the mill (had a rough time of it)

10. Between hay and grass (Not a child or an adult)

11. Blinky (Between sweet and sour as in milk)

12. Calaboose (a jail)

13. Catawampus (Something that sits crooked such as a piece of furniture sitting at an angle)

14. Dicker (To barter or trade)

15. Feather in Your Cap (to accomplish a goal. This came from years ago in wartime when warriors might receive a feather they would put in their cap for defeating an enemy)

16. Hold your horses (Be patient!)

17. Hoosegow ( a jail)

18. I reckon (I suppose. Informal tally up)

19. Jawing/Jawboning (Talking or arguing)

20. Kit and caboodle (The whole thing. This has been used on me.)

21. Madder than an wet hen (really angry)

22.Needs taken down a notch or two (like notches in a belt usually a young person who thinks too highly of himself and needs a lesson or two)

23.No Spring Chicken (Not young anymore)

24.Persnickety (overly particular or snobbish)

25.Pert-near (short for pretty near, which is close by)

26.Pretty is as pretty does (your actions are more important than your looks. Tom Hanks made "Stupid is as stupid does" famous.)

27.Red up (clean the house)

28.Scalawag (a rascal or unprincipled person)

29.Scarce as hen's teeth (something difficult to obtain)

30.Skedaddle (Get out of here quickly)

31. Sparking (courting)

32.Straight From the Horse's Mouth (privileged information from the one concerned)

33.Stringing around, gallivanting around, or piddling (Not doing anything of value)

34.Sunday go to meetin' dress (The best dress you had)

35.We wash up real fine (is another goodie)

36.Tie the Knot (to get married)

37.Too many irons in the fire (to be involved in too many things)

38.Tuckered out (tired and all worn out)

39.Under the weather (not feeling well this term came from going below deck on ships due to sea sickness thus you go below or under the weather)

40.Wearing your 'best bib and tucker' (Being all dressed up)

41. You ain't the only duck in the pond (It's not all about you)

Well, if you hold your horses, I reckon I'll get this whole kit and caboodle done and sent off to you. Please don't be too persnickety and get a bee in your bonnet because I've been pretty tuckered out and at sea lately because I'm no spring chicken. I haven't been just stringin' around and I know I'm not the only duck in the pond, but I do have too many irons in the fire. I might just be barking at a knot, but I have tried to give this article more than just A lick and a promise.

Edited October 1, 2011 by Kit Sober