The Roads NOT Taken

[skyrider]

T-Bone hit on something that I've been thinking about for YEARS.

I know, I know......looking back is all speculation, but it certainly has its share of what-ifs?, regrets, deep-soul searching, and pondering the roads NOT taken.

...seriously, think about the alternate decisions made, change in plans, the sacrifices, the roads NOT taken, other lives not touched etc., by folks because of their getting involved in a life-dominating organization. What valuable....positive, contributions to the world were NEVER made by folks who got talked into dropping out from the world!

One of my deepest regrets centers around my family. My Dad died a couple of years ago....and the sting of his death still hurts. And, although my Mom is still living, I can't help but ponder HOW DIFFERENT LIFE WOULD HAVE BEEN had I not taken twi's detour.

All the weddings, births, funerals, holidays, family-gatherings, memories, graduations, sporting events, etc.....that I missed during my twi tenure. Nieces and nephews that I hardly knew, grew up and graduated from high school. Now, some of them are raising little kids of their own.

My siblings......ALL SUCCESSFUL, all own their own homes (no mortgages), all are situated quite well as retirement approaches. And, all four of them never took pfal....gasp!! Twenty years removed from their lives......before growing back together, beginning in 1998. Years of separation and me smugly thinking I was so much better than them. May God forgive me.

College? Nope, I quit to go WOW....because that's what twi said was spiritually best. So, again, I lost contact with many college buddies.

Thankfully, I've made great strides in the past dozen years......but I gotta say, it sure makes one wonder about THE ROADS NOT TAKEN.

[Broken Arrow]

I think about that stuff sometimes too. But then I also wonder, would I have just joined another cult that was maybe even worse? I had also begun experimenting with illegal drugs, hard stuff. Fortunately I hadn't fully walked down that path. Would I have turned to the drug culture? I frequently considered suicide, would I even be alive today? I was also starting to lean in to some sexually deviant behavior though I had yet to participate. Looking back I think it was a matter of time. AIDS was around in the 70's, we just didn't know it yet. So again, would I still be alive and if I was, what type of person would I be? It's ironic for me. I now know full well of the sexual deviancy at the top levels of TWI. At the time, as a kid, my perception was that full sexual expression was to be in the context of a marriage between a man and a woman. So I went for that, not that I held to that standard perfectly. So for me, my involvement in TWI kept me out of a lot of stuff. However, true emotional and sexual healing came after I left TWI. By then I was an adult, and there was a lot more help available than in the mid-70's.

So, I know what you're saying Skyrider, and I agree. But would I still have figured out another way to screw up my life? I don't know, probably. But that's just me. Don't get me wrong, I'm not pining on the ground, weeping, and thankful for the ministry of VPW. I'm just saying that I think I was a cult member waiting to happen. But that's just me. I do not have fond memories of my stint in TWI, but things could have been a lot worse. For whatever that's worth. Obviously, I'm still confused even over 20 years after leaving!

[skyrider]

So, I know what you're saying Skyrider, and I agree. But would I still have figured out another way to screw up my life? I don't know, probably. But that's just me. Don't get me wrong, I'm not pining on the ground, weeping, and thankful for the ministry of VPW. I'm just saying that I think I was a cult member waiting to happen. But that's just me. I do not have fond memories of my stint in TWI, but things could have been a lot worse. For whatever that's worth. Obviously, I'm still confused even over 20 years after leaving!

Broken Arrow.....yeah, I know its all speculation. Things could have been worse, alot worse or A PATH OF LIFE, LOVE, GOD AND FULFILLMENT FAR GREATER.

All my siblings have enjoyed lives full of kids, church, community, family-gatherings, college friends and experiences, and some have grandchildren in the mix. No dysfunctional families.....no drugs or prison terms.

The only time I ever considered suicide was when I was IN twi......and several corps told me that they had to fight off those "suicide spirits" too.

[Broken Arrow]

Broken Arrow.....yeah, I know its all speculation. Things could have been worse, alot worse or A PATH OF LIFE, LOVE, GOD AND FULFILLMENT FAR GREATER.

All my siblings have enjoyed lives full of kids, church, community, family-gatherings, college friends and experiences, and some have grandchildren in the mix. No dysfunctional families.....no drugs or prison terms.

The only time I ever considered suicide was when I was IN twi......and several corps told me that they had to fight off those "suicide spirits" too.

Hmmm...how interesting.

Edited February 15, 2011 by Broken Arrow

[T-Bone]

.... Years of separation and me smugly thinking I was so much better than them. May God forgive me.

College? Nope, I quit to go WOW....because that's what twi said was spiritually best. So, again, I lost contact with many college buddies.

Thankfully, I've made great strides in the past dozen years......but I gotta say, it sure makes one wonder about THE ROADS NOT TAKEN.

....

So, I know what you're saying Skyrider, and I agree. But would I still have figured out another way to screw up my life? I don't know, probably. But that's just me. Don't get me wrong, I'm not pining on the ground, weeping, and thankful for the ministry of VPW. I'm just saying that I think I was a cult member waiting to happen. But that's just me. I do not have fond memories of my stint in TWI, but things could have been a lot worse. For whatever that's worth. Obviously, I'm still confused even over 20 years after leaving!

....The only time I ever considered suicide was when I was IN twi......and several corps told me that they had to fight off those "suicide spirits" too.

i sure can relate to your posts!

roads not taken....bad decisions....bad attitudes....mistakes....i had a problem with depression before joining TWI....[oh and by the way, certain things and TWI are a bad mix if you know what i mean]... soooooo anyway , my first session with a shrink years after leaving TWI - balling my eyes out as i unloaded all the mental baggage - he says to me - and mind you, i'm waiting for some profound words of wisdom, some complicated psychological mumbo jumbo to explain how screwed up i am - and all he says is "you've gotta stop beating yourself up over this stuff".......Damn! that's the best darn medicine that money could buy! And thank God insurance covered it.

.....as far as dwelling on roads not taken, regrets, failures, mistakes, etc. it can drive you KERAAAAZY if you don't stop thinking about it.

....."you wonder what you can say to your people at a time like this...." well, i'll tell ya - i am so freakin' thankful i can think whatever i want about my past!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i ain't got no pontificating nazi over me anymore - trying to make me feel guilty!!!!!!! wha-whoooooooo! Freedom baby!!!!!

forgiving myself.....accepting myself - yeah, that's the ticket!

[Broken Arrow]

i sure can relate to your posts!

roads not taken....bad decisions....bad attitudes....mistakes....i had a problem with depression before joining TWI....[oh and by the way, certain things and TWI are a bad mix if you know what i mean]... soooooo anyway , my first session with a shrink years after leaving TWI - balling my eyes out as i unloaded all the mental baggage - he says to me - and mind you, i'm waiting for some profound words of wisdom, some complicated psychological mumbo jumbo to explain how screwed up i am - and all he says is "you've gotta stop beating yourself up over this stuff".......Damn! that's the best darn medicine that money could buy! And thank God insurance covered it.

.....as far as dwelling on roads not taken, regrets, failures, mistakes, etc. it can drive you KERAAAAZY if you don't stop thinking about it.

....."you wonder what you can say to your people at a time like this...." well, i'll tell ya - i am so freakin' thankful i can think whatever i want about my past!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i ain't got no pontificating nazi over me anymore - trying to make me feel guilty!!!!!!! wha-whoooooooo! Freedom baby!!!!!

forgiving myself.....accepting myself - yeah, that's the ticket!

Thanks T-Bone...that makes a lot of sense!

[waysider]

I think it must be one of life's big struggle's for people our age. I know that I, personally, have struggled with it many times. There are two sides to every coin. One side says "What if Jonas Salk's mother had aborted him?" The other side says "What if Adolf Hitler's mother had aborted him?" Life is full of "what ifs?" and "might have beens".

So, even though I will never know if my life would have been better or worse if I had never encountered The Way, like skyrider, I am quite certain I regret missing all the birthdays, weddings, wakes, little league championships, Christmas pagents, and time spent in meaningless idle talk with my parents and family. I can never get those years and opportunities back. I don't think it's wrong to admit you feel regret. Why shouldn't you? Still, I think it would be wrong to let that regret rob you of all the good memories that have come your way, too, despite the craziness The Way invoked on our lives.

Regret? Absolutely. But, be thankful, too.

Edited February 15, 2011 by waysider

[skyrider]

Yeah.....thanks T-Bone.

One thing I know.......when I'm with my siblings and family nowadays, I enjoy every minute of it. We stay up late and relish the moments. Life is really good.....and I've always said that my "bucket list" is NOT to travel the world and see the sights. My bucket list is to enjoy my wife, my kids, my family and friends all the days of my life.

And, I never use that stinkin' term......"earthly" family.

Like....twi's "spiritual" family was so freakin' great.....(barf)

[Broken Arrow]

I've given some more thought to this and I've changed my mind. I'm no longer unsure, I'm convinced that I would have been better off had I not associated with TWI. My situation is a little different from most in that my entire family was involved in TWI as were my in-laws. So I never cut off any family members. Nevertheless, there were other things I missed out on, and my growth was stunted mentally and emotionally in other ways.

I'm glad I got out while my daughter was still an infant. I can't imagine how things would have been if she grew into adolescence while we were doing the Way thing.

[skyrider]

I've given some more thought to this and I've changed my mind. I'm no longer unsure, I'm convinced that I would have been better off had I not associated with TWI. My situation is a little different from most in that my entire family was involved in TWI as were my in-laws. So I never cut off any family members. Nevertheless, there were other things I missed out on, and my growth was stunted mentally and emotionally in other ways.

In-breeding can do that to families...........

~~~~~~

But seriously......since none of my family got involved with twi, my brothers exemplify a life and lifestyle that stands as a testimony in contrast to my pfal/corps trajectory. While my siblings built their lives, education, careers, families, church and community involvements....I was moving from city to city to run pfal classes. And now, I find that Proverbs and other scriptures show the wisdom of THEIR faithfulness......not mine.

I believe that God ordained the family unit as the bedrock of life, living, fulfillment, strength and prosperity. The scriptures speak of the faithful seeing blessings and grace to our childrens' children. Living simple truths and common sense goes a long way.

Twi sent me "panhandling for gold in the hearts of men".....wasn't there a twi-song like that? Of course, all of these decisions were mine....at least, before the corps assignments. The longer one stays....the more ingrained the pattern to stay. Some have equated their twi tenure to..."institutionalized."

Wierwille sold me on the all-or-nothing ideology.....you're either with twi or not! That's a perversion of the scriptures. I've found wonderful Christians who happen to be doctors. I know several Christian businessmen who look for ways to give to non-profit groups and help in their communities. Loving God and neighbor.....what a concept (gasp)!

I found my way back home.....and to God.

:)

[Broken Arrow]

Wierwille sold me on the all-or-nothing ideology.....you're either with twi or not! That's a perversion of the scriptures. I've found wonderful Christians who happen to be doctors. I know several Christian businessmen who look for ways to give to non-profit groups and help in their communities. Loving God and neighbor.....what a concept (gasp)!

I found my way back home.....and to God.

Even in TWI though, one's name was lauded to the skies if they were a professional with any sort of accomplishment. We had a federal judge that was allowed to speak at the Rock, a Psychiatrist, a medical doctor, 2 starting NFL football players, a professional women's tennis player, a "bullfighter", fashion model, and several broadway actresses. That is not to mention the professional musicians that funneled through TWI over the years. I was in the Corps. Some of us used to muse that if any of these folks had been in TWI while they were in training for their respective professions, they would have been discouraged from doing so. They would have taken too much time away from The Word. I think maybe the medical doctor took the class while he was in med school.

Edited February 17, 2011 by Broken Arrow

[geisha779]

Even in TWI though, one's name was lauded to the skies if they were a professional with any sort of accomplishment. We had a federal judge that was allowed to speak at the Rock, a Psychiatrist, a medical doctor, 2 starting NFL football players, a professional women's tennis player, a "bullfighter", fashion model, and several broadway actresses. That is not to mention the professional musicians that funneled through TWI over the years. I was in the Corps. Some of us used to muse that if any of these folks had been in TWI while they were in training for their respective professions, they would have been discouraged from doing so. They would have taken too much time away from The Word. I think maybe the medical doctor took the class while he was in med school.

This is a quote from Charles Spurgeon.......probably from the 1870's....a hundred years before TWI's hay-day. Nothing new under the sun...could have been said about VP.

Almost every impostor who has come into the world has aimed principally at the rich,

and the mighty, and the respectable; very few impostors have found it to be worth

their while to make it prominent in their preaching that they preach to the poor.

[skyrider]

Even in TWI though, one's name was lauded to the skies if they were a professional with any sort of accomplishment. We had a federal judge that was allowed to speak at the Rock, a Psychiatrist, a medical doctor, 2 starting NFL football players, a professional women's tennis player, a "bullfighter", fashion model, and several broadway actresses. That is not to mention the professional musicians that funneled through TWI over the years. I was in the Corps. Some of us used to muse that if any of these folks had been in TWI while they were in training for their respective professions, they would have been discouraged from doing so. They would have taken too much time away from The Word. I think maybe the medical doctor took the class while he was in med school.

So, in full view......there is the HYPOCRISY of wierwille and twi.

The roads THEY took were fine.....and propelled them to fortune and fame. And, now, these fine examples stand before you to teach you 'how to believe the promises of God.' See how the Lord opened doors before them......never mind that they did NOT go wow, or corps, or work on staff for 10 years.

When these "respectable professionals" disappeared from twi.........silence.

[Grace Valerie Claire]

On 2/15/2011 at 4:32 PM, skyrider said:

T-Bone hit on something that I've been thinking about for YEARS.

I know, I know......looking back is all speculation, but it certainly has its share of what-ifs?, regrets, deep-soul searching, and pondering the roads NOT taken.

One of my deepest regrets centers around my family. My Dad died a couple of years ago....and the sting of his death still hurts. And, although my Mom is still living, I can't help but ponder HOW DIFFERENT LIFE WOULD HAVE BEEN had I not taken twi's detour.

All the weddings, births, funerals, holidays, family-gatherings, memories, graduations, sporting events, etc.....that I missed during my twi tenure. Nieces and nephews that I hardly knew, grew up and graduated from high school. Now, some of them are raising little kids of their own.

My siblings......ALL SUCCESSFUL, all own their own homes (no mortgages), all are situated quite well as retirement approaches. And, all four of them never took pfal....gasp!! Twenty years removed from their lives......before growing back together, beginning in 1998. Years of separation and me smugly thinking I was so much better than them. May God forgive me.

College? Nope, I quit to go WOW....because that's what twi said was spiritually best. So, again, I lost contact with many college buddies.

Thankfully, I've made great strides in the past dozen years......but I gotta say, it sure makes one wonder about THE ROADS NOT TAKEN.

[Grace Valerie Claire]

On 2/15/2011 at 6:35 PM, T-Bone said:

i sure can relate to your posts!

roads not taken....bad decisions....bad attitudes....mistakes....i had a problem with depression before joining TWI....[oh and by the way, certain things and TWI are a bad mix if you know what i mean]... soooooo anyway , my first session with a shrink years after leaving TWI - balling my eyes out as i unloaded all the mental baggage - he says to me - and mind you, i'm waiting for some profound words of wisdom, some complicated psychological mumbo jumbo to explain how screwed up i am - and all he says is "you've gotta stop beating yourself up over this stuff".......Damn! that's the best darn medicine that money could buy! And thank God insurance covered it.

.....as far as dwelling on roads not taken, regrets, failures, mistakes, etc. it can drive you KERAAAAZY if you don't stop thinking about it.

....."you wonder what you can say to your people at a time like this...." well, i'll tell ya - i am so freakin' thankful i can think whatever i want about my past!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i ain't got no pontificating nazi over me anymore - trying to make me feel guilty!!!!!!! wha-whoooooooo! Freedom baby!!!!!

forgiving myself.....accepting myself - yeah, that's the ticket!

T-Bone, great post.  I think many of us feel this way.

[Grace Valerie Claire]

On 2/16/2011 at 6:42 PM, skyrider said:

In-breeding can do that to families...........

~~~~~~

But seriously......since none of my family got involved with twi, my brothers exemplify a life and lifestyle that stands as a testimony in contrast to my pfal/corps trajectory. While my siblings built their lives, education, careers, families, church and community involvements....I was moving from city to city to run pfal classes. And now, I find that Proverbs and other scriptures show the wisdom of THEIR faithfulness......not mine.

I believe that God ordained the family unit as the bedrock of life, living, fulfillment, strength and prosperity. The scriptures speak of the faithful seeing blessings and grace to our childrens' children. Living simple truths and common sense goes a long way.

Twi sent me "panhandling for gold in the hearts of men".....wasn't there a twi-song like that? Of course, all of these decisions were mine....at least, before the corps assignments. The longer one stays....the more ingrained the pattern to stay. Some have equated their twi tenure to..."institutionalized."

Wierwille sold me on the all-or-nothing ideology.....you're either with twi or not! That's a perversion of the scriptures. I've found wonderful Christians who happen to be doctors. I know several Christian businessmen who look for ways to give to non-profit groups and help in their communities. Loving God and neighbor.....what a concept (gasp)!

I found my way back home.....and to God.

:)

Sky, thank God for that!

[Twinky]

My roads not taken would have included:

• significant professional recognition/acknowledgment and a respectable place in a respected profession in society
• a nice house and decent car
• a loving husband
• a load of children

instead, I abandoned a potentially lucrative career; have only 10 years ago (blessedly) been able to buy a small house; I run a reliable car from 2003; I have never married; I don't have any children.

I fought hard to get to where I was professionally, from a background with no record of tertiary education.  First (and almost only of my generation and cousins) to get a degree.  My house is tiny but it's fine AND it's mine AND I'm nearly mortgage free.  It's a miracle, how that came to pass.

I might yet find a husband.

I will never have children.  Not of my own, anyway.  (Past the time for that... maybe if I change my name to Sarah?)  Maybe I'll find a husband with his own kids - or even grandkids.

And these last two are "the roads not taken" - what was stolen, defrauded, from me by TWI - that I deeply regret.  Things could have been very different, without their constant interference.  Breaking things up.  Ruining lives and futures.

What I DO have - is peace of mind.  I am free of that organization and its miseries.  I am content and thankful with the life I have.  That doesn't stop me from wanting a little more.  But that's not a "driver" in my life. I will go along the road the Lord has chosen for me and explore with enthusiasm and confidence all opportunities presented to me along that road.