New Here! Sharing of my life in TWI

[Beguiled]

Hello all,

I have recently been reading this site for about a week or so now. It is funny that I did not know about its existence or try to look for anything like it sooner. It definitely could have helped me mend some wounds years ago. After reading about everything that this site has to offer, I have been able to fill in the gaps of my life a bit more clearly. I am now 29 and was born into the way. For all intents and purposes I left at 18 and was on and off for about 5 years. I would like to share my story (briefly, there is a lot) as it will help me introduce myself as well as help me get over things.

As it was, my parents got pregnant with me while in the corps and had to drop out because of the "unexpected" child they were carrying. "Had to drop out" most likely surmounts to being booted out with a shinny leather boot...but what do I know?! I enjoyed my life growing up in TWI until 7th grade when my parents made a life changing decision to go back into the corps. Only now my brother and I were in the picture so obviously we were heading to the family corps in Rome City, Indiana. I was family corps 19. While I was not happy about leaving my good life, I was open to change and was excited. Little did I know what I would be getting myself into. In my time there I saw things I never would have thought been possible to see at such a place of "spiritual authority." From sex, lying, drugs, hypocrisy, to sheer control...my personal little self was forever torn, tainted, and abused. Of course, I did not realize what became of me at the time.

Upon getting out, our assignment was....going WOW. Now this really ....ed me off and I did not want to do it. Keep in mind I was a 9th grader. Eventually I "renewed my mind" and was trying to except it. When I finally did...guess what?! This just happened to be the ROA where the WOW's were canceled. I had no idea why at the time, and was never told the truth from anyone. But once again my life to me was shattered and changing for the worse...and I had no control of it. But TWI was/is my parents life, and so I was along for the ride. My parents were then put in charge of a state and life seemed to be "normal" for about a year or so. Now, because of the things that I had seen, done, and gone through at Indiana Campus...I truly was jaded. And so my life was in shambles in my mind and I was not a perfect son. Put that along side the fact that my parents were busy running the state corps and they never had time for my brother or I. So I became a rebellious little young teenager that had no direction or guidance from a seemingly perfect background. My parents and I fought all the time...and at one point they sat me down and told me that we were being kicked out of the corps. I took this so hard and I blamed myself for a decade because I thought it was my fault. While I didn't much care whether we were in the corps or not, it was my parents life. And I did not want to see them hurt so badly. So again we move and they are just twig/fellowship coordinators. I could see that they took it pretty hard, but they were still strong people. Years later my mother tells me that they were kicked out by someone who was kicked out when the LCM incident happened and that they should not have been kicked out...as told to them by TWI. The higher ups said they should never have been kicked out of the corps and that the person who did it just had a personal vendetta. HOWEVER, they would not get there corps status back...unless they wished to go through corps training for a THIRD time!!!! I mean really?!

My last couple years of high school were the ones in which we were corps alumni. My "faith" in anything was very shaky. Both in part from becoming a know-it-all 18 year old and a jaded believer. Upon lying to my parents about things to do with college and scholarships (because you see, my relationship was all but destroyed with them because of TWI) I entered the military. I eventually got married. While I myself hadn't been to a fellowship in over a year, for some reason I wanted to go back once I got married. We both went and she hated the SIT's and didn't know what to think...but she knew she never wanted to go again. I took this very hard but neither of us went again because it was three hours away from where we were stationed. However, our relationship went downhill and eventually we got divorced. I truly loved her and was/am so heartbroken over it. Reflecting back upon my life, I realize that there were many people I liked as friends or potential girlfriends and lost them because I thought (because my mother told me) that I couldn't be with them unless they were in the word as well. TWI really ruined my life growing up thinking that I could only associate with others that were in TWI. Ugh, I was sooo naive. It even happened again after my marriage. I don't know why I kept trying...I was not getting it. It is truly ironic because I hardly was believing anything anymore. But I think I was trying to please my parents...which would never work out.

So here I am...I am living in a state that I moved to 5-6 years ago to get away from everything. I initially came here and went to fellowship, but was thrown out almost immediately because the leaderships daughter and I liked each other and we wanted to have a relationship. I wasn't "good enough" for her according to her father and was not allowed to go to fellowship and in the coming months found out about many MANY lies that were being thrown around about me to keep others away from me. This was mark and avoid to the 10th degree. I was even confronted by ex-leadership at my workplace in the middle of work about one of the lies. I have not given TWI a second thought since. Looking back at my entire life...I would definitely say that TWI "privately interprets" whatever it wants for the given occasion it chooses. I lost soooo many friends, a spouse, and my whole well-being to TWI...and for what?! I feel raped. I gave my life to something that used me up until it was done with me and then threw me out without a look over its shoulder...I really should have found TGS 6 years ago. But oh well. I am here now...happy to share with others and lick some wounds that will never truly mend.

TWI took all the good in my life....I truly was BEGUILED.

[waysider]

How's about some pie ala mode on the house?

[Beguiled]

[soul searcher]

Nice post, Beguiled. Welcome to GSC.

...Reflecting back upon my life, I realize that there were many people I liked as friends or potential girlfriends and lost them because I thought...that I couldn't be with them unless they were in the word as well.

You might say I was on the losing end of that "doctrine".

[Beguiled]

Thanks soul searcher...

Yea, it's funny how much "doctrine" doesn't seem to match up with good old fashion common sense. And yet, most follow blindly....

[OldSkool]

Welcome to GSC, Beguiled! Thanks for posting your story.

[JavaJane]

Beguiled, your story is very similar to my brothers... I know what you went through was tough, being raised in TWI can really be a mind-f***. Glad you are out and done with it. Enjoy your stay at the cafe. It has helped me a lot and continues to help!

[Human without the bean]

Welcome to the Grease Spot Cafe Beguiled. That was a good post.

Often when new members share their stories I find that it helps me get a grasp upon the magnitude of things.

Hello all,

I lost soooo many friends, a spouse, and my whole well-being to TWI...and for what?! I feel raped. I gave my life to something that used me up until it was done with me and then threw me out without a look over its shoulder.

TWI took all the good in my life....I truly was BEGUILED.

I can feel your pain. Almost the very thing that I was feeling the day I walked out. To the tee.

It will take time, but, soon you will find that you can pick yourself back up and start again. Make a better life than you had. Here's to finding the lost friends that you had, and I hope you can begin to live again. Hope for your speedy return Beguiled, to the life you lost!

[Beguiled]

Thanks a lot OldSkool, JavaJane, and Human without the bean...it is good to be here and it is good to talk to people in the same boat. It's funny because I have been out for years, and yet my wounds are like they happened yesterday.

I look forward to sharing stories and shootin' the breeze with everyone here.

[Twinky]

Hi Beguiled. You have been ill-treated by TWI and have had a very disturbed life, in so many ways. It would be nice to think it was an isolated incident...but unfortunately, it's the pattern of how TWI screwed everyone over. You may find solace in realizing that it wasn't your family, or you, that was specifically targeted, but it's the modus operandi.

You are not at fault. Your parents are not at fault. Your brother is not at fault. You are all victims.

Now figure out what to do with yourself. How to live your life from now on. Yes - YOU can do that.

Here, we've nearly all been through the same stuff. You will be sad, happy, angry, confused, elated, relieved, and lots of other emotions. Many share what has helped them. As the onion layers of deceit are stripped off, the tears of relief will flow.

Welcome!

[Beguiled]

Thanks Twinky,

I am finding that I am reading much more than posting. But hopefully that will change. I'm just absorbing everything right now. I read daily and I feel that a puzzle piece is put into place and I can see things more clearly than when they happened years ago. Unfortunately, while I do feel at peace...I also feel numb. I feel like I've been jaded for so long that I will not be able to be "normal" and not feel so abused. While I know "abused" is a harsh word, it feels appropriate. I feel like a victim as I'm sure many others have that are here. I just am having trouble getting over it. While I have not been at GSC for very long, I have been out of TWI for about 5 years now and I would have thought that time would have made me less bitter. But it has not. Perhaps I will need another five, or ten... Regardless, know that I am here reading everyday...and I want to speak up whenever I can. It is all I can do to post legit comments that aren't huge angry rants with a lot of cuss words in them.

Thank you for taking the time to give me encouragement.

Now let's partaaaay!!!(seems mildly appropriate for no apparent reason!)

[cheranne]

Glad your here! Sorry you had to got through all that being a child!

[JavaJane]

Don't worry about "getting over it"... You might never get over it - or maybe you will. You have been through a lot. It all takes time and work to recover. Let yourself be and let yourself heal. There is no pressure here.

[Belle]

WELCOME!!! And, we love to party here! That's always appropriate!

Come and go as you please. :) I don't post so much anymore but I do maintain my gum collection under the counter and am thankful that Paw keeps my bar stool dusted.

This place can provide a venue for tremendous healing as you figure out what you need and post whenever you feel like it. Rants are fine, too. You'll most likely find that some of us have had the same rants or can at least relate. Glad you're here!

[excathedra]

dear be-g

i'm sick

you are a wonderful human being

i'm so sorry and so mad i could i don't know what

[Beguiled]

That about sums up how I feel all the time.....

[PurpleDays]

Welcome Beguiled!

Glad you are starting to heal. The adversary was certainly entrenched in TWI and hurt many. It's helped me separating what came from him, and what came from God. It was through the truthful and accurate teachings in TWI (and not all were!) that I was able to develop my sweet, close relationship with God, and for that I will always be very thankful.

It took me several years to sort through all the garbage of TWI and get rid of it. It takes some a shorter time, some longer. But when I got through that process, I was greatly refreshed and ready to move on in positive ways in my life. God is still a great part of my life (that's true for some here, not true for others).

I wish you godspeed on your journey of recovery and self discovery. May it lead you to a path of joy and peace.

[excathedra]

purple days, hi, love you, e

dear be-g i understand how you feel. i think "abuse" is an appropriate word to describe your experience

while i did not grow up in twi, i was abused growing up, and then ran to a "new" family my freshman year in college

i can relate to so much of your thoughts and expressions and feelings

i think i can safely say that you will continue to get better in a lot of ways

however, when i first started dealing with crap, i had like a mini nervous breakdown. i went off the internet for about eight months if i recall

then i just came on and posted teeny weeny little bits while drinking and then came back and deleted it all, etc., etc. it was a rough time and more rough times followed

i can only say that i'm not as bad off as i was once i started to vent and look at stuff and express myself

i don't know if any of this is making sense

my intent is to tell you i care. you're about 30 and i'm about 54 :) i think you'll be okay -- i hope and wish and pray you will. you have more years to get normal than i ;)

well WTF is normal ?

love,e

you take care

[excathedra]

ps. while i'm very familiar with sexual abuse in the way ministry, i am curious about your reference to drugs. i hope i'm not prying. you can always pm me -- or not

[Beguiled]

Hello excathedra,

My reference to drugs is quite simple. I saw drugs at the ROA but always steered clear as I was young. But then when I was in the corps there were kids older than me that were staff kids and they were doing drugs at school. Either before, after, or anytime they could get away from parental supervision. This made it much more intimate as people who I was looking up to were doing drugs in front of me. Let alone the fact that they were staff kids and we were all at Indiana campus.

Also, thanks for the encouragement. I feel like I have had ample time in which I should be over everything...but I am not. My whole life is skewed in ways I wish it wasn't. While our past does shape our future, it doesn't necessarily mean it has to define it. I just feel like I (or we, those of us here at GSC) wasted valuable time in my life which I will never get back. It is unfortunate...

[excathedra]

ample time ? what does that even mean ?

i love thoreau

[Twinky]

While our past does shape our future, it doesn't necessarily mean it has to define it. I just feel like I (or we, those of us here at GSC) wasted valuable time in my life which I will never get back. It is unfortunate...

Yeah. We all wasted time, precious and valuable time. Ruined a lot of good things.

BUT >>>

Live well. It is the greatest revenge.

(The Talmud)

(feels good, too!)