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Emotional Recovery


JavaJane
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I grew up in twi from my tweens onward... so, during those emotional and turbulent times of adolescence and young adulthood, I learned to make myself emotionally numb through the teachings of twi on controlling your emotions, and renewing your mind. I only allowed myself to feel what I was supposed to feel. I cut off all empathy, and I didn't allow emotions like sadness, regret, guilt, or even hurt feelings into my mind. I just pushed them back down whenever I would feel them.

The only negative emotion I allowed myself to feel was anger... Good old "spiritual" anger - because it was acceptable to be angry. And anger feels better than sadness. I would tell myself when I would begin to feel sad or lonely or bad in any way that it was because of the adversary, so I would change it to anger at the adversary (or the person who caused the hurt - as long as they weren't in the household... and I would definiately change it to anger if it was a LEADER in the household that hurt me.) It boils down to emotional lying.

A few years before I left I started having anxiety attacks, and crying for no discernable reason - like at commercials on TV late at night... I think it was just all those years of emotions coming back to the top.

Now that I am out, sometimes I have an emotional reaction to something and it sticks with me for a long time... especially if it has to do with having empathy towards another. Earlier today, there was a post here on GreaseSpot that mentioned the children and parents at Jonestown drinking the poisoned KoolAid.... I am still upset when I think about those poor children and their parents. It's like I have exposed nerves or something. It used to be that I would just hide all those feelings away by reasoning that those people deserved what they got by being involved in that group. I would think the same thing about stuff on the news. I had distanced myself from others, I was detached... and now it's like I have all these emotions and sometimes I don't know how to handle them at all.

Then again, maybe I'm more normal now.... Or maybe I am emotionally stunted in my maturity because during the formative years of my life as a teen I just never let myself feel anything...

Anyone else out there go through this stuff??

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Yes!!!!!!!!

I am learning to (without sounding too institutional) process my emotions. To express them in a more positive way. It takes some time and you are so right. We are supposed to learn about these things when we are teens. My parents did not teach me and in my early 20s I went straight into TWI. So after leaving TWI and several hundred bottles of whiskey I am finally starting to come to grips with how to deal with emotions. And like you, commercials, movies, whatever have you have often elicited tears from me when I was happy as a lark. My advice is to talk the emotions through with your husband and/or loved ones. Also, find other ways to express them. For me it's music but it can be just about anything that does the trick. Bottom line is freely express yourself and in time you will begin to feel a lot better.

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I was at a friends house when I was 4 or so, I guess this friends mom kill that kid in front of my eye's. I guess when I was 10 or so, I asked myself, what is going on around me; up until then, I have no clue to a childhood. My folks raised me up in a way, that I had to figure things out; my emotions were a school of hard knots for me, but the world did that to me; but how sad, that you would have to be put in that position, you know your years from 2-10, and your struggles with emotions, and then be forced to only allow yourself to feel what you was supposed to feel, in order to not make waves. I was robbed out of childhood days, did not have a clue in my teens. You knew your childhood days, but was robbed out of your right to have been allow to feel whatever you wanted. It is kinda nice nowadays to be able to walk across the street and jump up and down, just because we can.

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But what is so cool, is how our Father got us through it all, we always knew our Father was with us, and our Father is still with us, that is so cool. That always gives me a good feeling, that Yahweh is mindful of us, and ours.

yes, you are right! God got us out and found us in the midst of all our hurts!

And exie - all your hugs are appreciated - I'm hugging you back!

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Many hugs to you both; I always remember the little things Yahweh has always done for me, even though we could not explain it, we just knew someone had their eye on us, do you remember the little things Yahweh did, I think those were the special times.

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OMG! I was thinking about this very subject this week. I got called to jury duty on Monday. When they gathered all the jurors for our case, I was in the first group for questioning. My heart sank when we were told the case was a child molestation case. I knew I wouldn't be able to hear details like that without crying. I COULD NOT sit through it.

All of the questions were asked by the judge, but none allowed me to answer in a way that would represent my biased attitude about anyone accused of child molestation. Then the defense attorney asked if anyone had a problem with thinking child molesters are guilty even before being tried. I raised my hand with a resounding YES! It was an honest response from my heart.

The judge asked me if I thought my feelings would affect my ability to be impartial to the evidence presented. I told him it would be difficult because I do belive in the justice system which allows a defendent to be innocent until proven guilty. Then I started crying and said I couldn't hear the details without a lot of emotion. He excused me ont eh basis that I wouldn't be able to control my emotions in a case like this. I said "How can you NOT??"

I was shaken up for hours. WHY? I also pent up a lot of emotions before and during TWI. I felt anxiety in the court room, and I wonder if it is due to lack of emotional maturity also.

I grew up with a violent alcoholic father. I felt repressed as a child. Maybe that's part of the reason why I got involved in the cult. My dad doesn't drink anymore, but he still is very controlling in situations when I'm around him. I remind him I'm an adult who doesn't need any direction. I can direct myself just fine.

I'm thinking about therapy about my lack of emotional control. I cry when I see deserving people win money or home redecorations or something else they need. Good God! Don't get near me on an emotional Oprah day! Oh! And the SPCA commercial with Sarah McLachlen singing....OMG! That one gets me too! I HATE to see or hear about animal abuse.

I'm really interested in hearing anyone's success in getting better at controlling emotions.

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To be honest with you it's been a long time since I have felt any real emotions either. Like JavaJane any emotion that would cause me grief, empathy, or sadness I would consider as an attack from the Adversary. It was all fear (False-Evidence-Appearing-Real);I needed to shut out the feelings and renew my mind. I would often wonder why some of the tragic events on the news would not phase me. I would sum it all up that they weren't walking in the light of God's Word so of course "what do you expect Worldy people!"

For me today, I am grateful that I have cried a few times at the movies and that my heart goes out to the victims on the news. I have been such a fricken robot, numbed to the core, Way Disciple these past few years that it is a miracle that I can feel at all.

My emotions are still a roller coaster ride but I know it is all going to be so much better.

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Good God! Don't get near me on an emotional Oprah day! Oh! And the SPCA commercial with Sarah McLachlen singing....OMG! That one gets me too! I HATE to see or hear about animal abuse.

OMG!!! I HATE THAT COMMERCIAL! When I was pregnant, I would have to leave the room until it was over because I was 5,000,000x more emotional than I am now due to all the hormones and everything.

And as for jury duty - I would be in the same boat, Notta! I am such a wuss when it comes to ANYTHING involving kids!

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Ditto on what everyone has said so far. When I left I was emotionless, except for the spiritual anger that JavaJane talked about. I had actually feared feeling emotions.... I had no empathy for anyone....And I didn't want to experience those negative feelings.

It wasn't until I got involved with recovery that feelings became important to me. I fought feeling sad, or grieving. I still only wanted to feel the good ones. But they kept telling me you can't feel the good only....you have to also feel the bad ones.

I entered recovery in 1995.....Today, I can cry at a commercial! I can cry when something Good happens to people on TV....and of course, I can laugh, feel happy, have joy. It's a work in progress still.

We have God given emotions....all of them...it's what makes us human. I was a "dead" person emotionally when I left....Now, I'm alive with the whole scope of feelings. Maybe I thought it was a weakness to show emotions I don't know...but I do know that now it's a part of just being human.

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God gave us emotions. If we are to believe the Bible, then we can see that God has emotions. While I don't think it's necessarily good to be led by emotions, I do think it's wise to take them into consideration when confronted with something. TWI's need to discount emotions should be seen for the red flag that it is.

There is no spiritual gain without a certain amount of pain and suffering. TWI's practices were designed to get people to deny pain and suffering while doing things that caused it.

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this discussion is very 'heavy' at least for me

i had already figured out a way to deny my true feelings since i was a very young girl

the way helped me keep it up

now i'm like -- i don't know -- i can't read waht i'm saying so i'll be back. i have that problem of nothaving someting updated

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Yes, yes,yes,yes,yes!

I sometimes would--and even still do--feel "machine-like." In the sense that you control your emotions--they don't control you. I guess I understood that line of teaching to mean that I had to deprive myself of feeling the way that most people actually naturally feel. Like a "be strong" thing. When everything and everyone around you is getting emotional and all stirred up, be strong and don't let your emotions cause you to do what everyone else does. And in some situations I also thought that I had the responsibility to teach because I was Way Corpse. Talk about pressure! And now, after 25 years, having to work through all the bull just to try to "feel" like a normal person feels. And I think I'm naturally a little more detached emotionally than others might be--not letting stuff really get to me unless it's really big. But just because I might be that way naturally doesn't make it right either. Lots of thoughts, JavaJane.

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God first

thanks everybody

I wrote my life story which help me a lot

the pain release in written like my friend teachmevp in here

I was at a friends house when I was 4 or so, I guess this friends mom kill that kid in front of my eye's. I guess when I was 10 or so, I asked myself, what is going on around me; up until then, I have no clue to a childhood. My folks raised me up in a way, that I had to figure things out; my emotions were a school of hard knots for me, but the world did that to me; but how sad, that you would have to be put in that position, you know your years from 2-10, and your struggles with emotions, and then be forced to only allow yourself to feel what you was supposed to feel, in order to not make waves. I was robbed out of childhood days, did not have a clue in my teens. You knew your childhood days, but was robbed out of your right to have been allow to feel whatever you wanted. It is kinda nice nowadays to be able to walk across the street and jump up and down, just because we can.

that was a hard statement to make

it may me cry for his pain he got little freedom from by bringing it in the open

as i think the nights he could not even cry about it and the night he could stoping tears

because had things not has hard to deal with

have you been reading what he writers i have

with love and a holy kiss Roy

Edited by year2027
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