The only thing I can change is ME

[Dot Matrix]

Because I know people can be sensitive - this is not about anyone but me and how I see myself in a "group" and individually. My use of the word "you" and "we" is just in conversation to make my points about me and not meant to judge, incorporate, indite or diagnose anyone other than myself. It is my journey and how I broke free.

As in the song “Wait I can do better than this…”

And we can do better than a lunatic old man with a small dinky and a huge ego.

That is and was not God. Some of what he spoke had the ring of truth because he “borrowed” it from people who really did research and who genuinely wanted to help God’s people. And that was the big fat worm on the hook. The hook hidden behind the antics and wiggling of the “stuff we were looking for” then after we took the bait behind the worm was the revealed “hook”.

To remove a hook it hurts like helll. But ripping it out is the only way to be free. The saddest thing is there are fish who will just never try to “eat a worm again” - they have walked away from God. And others, who thankfully do not blame God, but will investigate things first next time.

We (I spk in general) were seeking something. A better life, sense in a world devoted to nonsense, kindness after we had been beaten, a sense of belonging if we came from abusive or dysfunctional families and the worm danced and sang of all the answers like a carnival barker claiming if you knock over the three bottles you will get the prize. Only they do not show you the nails holding the bottles together or the many of the other deceptions to “get you.”

Life is filled with carnival barkers calling out their deceit in wonderful packaging and I am sure we have been taken more than once. I know I have been.

But I am determine to NOT give up on God – I am determined to discover WHY I get deceived by the worm and swallow the hook. IS it because I am too lazy to search things out? Is it because I am too afraid that what I see will be wrong and I trust stranger’s views more than my own? Is it in desperation to find the “nice people” I am sure are out there? What is it in ME that has this repeat itself in “cults” “marriages” places of business and or work relationships? What prevents me from seeing the evil behind the mask and how do I obtain sound judgment, discernment and wisdom? How do I repair me so I do not invite the food- seeking lions in seeing me as “food.”

It has nothing to do with if I am a good girl, I get good grades, or I helped my mother do the dishes… Lions do not differentiate when they are hungry… They do not say leave the good little girl and eat the mean one. They EAT whomever they can.

And therein laid my problem. I was someone they could eat because when I “felt” funny about the worm I still ate it, after I saw the hook I stayed. and when the blatant atrocities happened I tried to “fix” things so I could go back to the “blissful” days (albeit an illusion)

Rape is different. But even as a victim of rape one must decide if they will live in the horror of the rape for the rest of their lives or rise up, wash off the residue of evil and declare – perhaps with a shaken fist – you will NOT defeat me.

Some of us allowed TWI to help us choose our spouses, our clothes, our thoughts and behavior, some spread their legs willingly – others learned to “use people” by emotional solicitation and sex. All of it, IMO, no matter which side you (or I) came from was wrong. Once we saw the seduction away from healthy morals and sound thinking – we each sold something in ourselves in an effort to stay. If you did not involve yourself in the sexual things but allowed them to push your kids around – there was a price you paid to “keep the relationship” going. Some sold their homes to please leadership, even though they “felt” it was not the correct thing to do, because we allowed these “people” to think for us on some level because “they were in the know” and we wanted God’s love. Were we used? Helll yes. I do not dispute that but why did so many of us let this happen to ourselves is the question and why so many of us have bucked “recovery” to glom onto the victim role as a life code is what I questioned in my own life.

There is healthy interaction with people and there is codependent interaction. With the family cracks laid in me, and slogans such as “God first, OTHERS second, and myself third” I was restructured into considering others before making a sound decision on my own. Blind obedience became a mantra and my own innate sense of right and wrong was thwarted because I was to be LAST in this litany of unhealthy people I allowed in my life. This is NOT biblical and set me up for the narcissist to bully me, the con-artist to use me, the emotional pedophile to deceive me and play with my emotions and for those who have not had my best interest at heart to hold positions of authority and power over me.

But like Dorothy in the wizard of Oz I had the power “in me” all along to change things. I could leave, say “no”, study the Bible myself and take control of my own life instead of signing up for “lemming” registration --- I had the power all along. And when it all boils down it is all about “me”. Just like it is all about “you”. Not your abuse, not the tricks, not TWI but what did you do in your life?

My part? Well from my eyes I was loyal, trusting, giving and in “their” corner, committed and would not abandon anyone.

From their perspective – the con

They would say something like, “Everyone always hurts me, uses me and runs out on me.”

I then say, “I won’t do that. I will be here for you.”

I make a covenant pack WAY too early in a relationship. Then, they feel me out by telling me about a “need” they have… i.e., when I moved here I lost the trunk with my dress clothes and I don’t even have a suit. I, putting their needs before my own, go out and buy them a suit.

My perspective: I will love them the way I would want to be loved. I will believe in them and give them an opportunity at their job interview to shine with the “new suit.”

Their perspective: What an idiot. I have one on the hook, I wonder what else I can get her to do for me.

After I see that the person then goes out drinking and having a great time and had the money to BUY THEIR OWN SUIT while I have to count pennies as I “gave” beyond what I should have given… I get mad but I do not leave as I gave my word, my bond, my oath – “I will not leave”… The red flags be dammmmed after all, he just needed to be believed in -- its only a suit.

Their perspective, Wow, I can run around drink and do whatever I want and she ain’t going no place. Awesome. Maybe I can give her a sob story and have her fix my car.

Oh Dot, thanks for always being there for me and when I get back into my financial pace I am taking you out for a great dinner and movie or whatever you want.”

I forgive their slight over sight in using their money to dally at the bars and once he “makes it” he will see who has been in his corner. But he does need his car fixed to “get” to the interview. I will offer half the money until he gets on his feet then he can pay me back or whatever…

Their perspective: Shoot, I do not have to pay her back, I will just come up with another sob story… Meanwhile, I am going to ask “Betsy” out as she has confidence and is a challenge…

I have done the same thing over and over. On the WOW field, in the ministry, at work, in relationships over and over and over same story line different people and situations.

I had to remove myself from my “life” and stand still for a minute and LOOK at myself. I had begged God for people to stop doing this to me and to BLESS me – but I stayed on the same hamster wheel… Giving, being used and asking God to bless me.

First, I had to get off the wheel. Then, I had to dissect why the wheel appealed to me. Next, WHAT I DID to invite these kinds of people and situations into my life repeatedly.

I established boundaries. I began to heed red flags. I addressed “past” issues, which taught me vulnerability and “looser” behaviors and all the layered stuff that happened as a result of it. Then, I had to be willing to change. If I wanted a NEW life I had to incorporate NEW behaviors.

And that is where I am currently. Investigating a “new” me who can make better decisions and recognize red flags from the “get go” and WALK AWAY. I cannot fix another person. I cannot make someone love me who doesn’t. I cannot fix a ministry. I cannot make someone stop drinking. I cannot change others. But what I can change is ME. And I take responsibility for “inviting” these situations to myself – for after I saw the hook behind the worm I convinced myself what I saw was wrong or “fixable”.

“I must be doing something wrong. And I needed to try harder be nicer/smarted/prettier/more compliant… I can fix this….”

There are predators and they do target people. I walked around with a target on my head. I was targeted because I "lived" as a perpetual target. Nothing I can do will make a predator STOP being a predator or will stop a person from drowning if they will not get out of the water and into the lifeboat but I can stop being a target and an enabler.

They never change and if they do it will be by their own hand. All I did was waste the energy that could have moved me to knowing MY dreams and waste it on someone else, or a cult or a whatever else distracted me. I do not make “lasting vows” too early anymore. I do not ask TOO many people their opinions. I get quiet, go to God and move forward with the things I can DO, I can CHANGE and I can HANDLE.

It has left me lean in the area of friends and activities. But I realized to surround myself with unhealthy people was not having a group of friends but rather being a part of the tribe that walked around the desert for 40 years. I wanted OUT of the desert and before I could show anyone the way out (if asked) I had to break free and find my own way out.

I am responsible for me. Thank God!

Edited June 20, 2010 by Dot Matrix

[newlife]

Thanks for sharing all of this. It is true, I too had to look at myself and say what inside of me allowed those things in my life? I'm in recovery and it's been a good thing for me. I'm still on the journey and there is much to learn and many ways to grow in. Thanks!

[Dot Matrix]

I am going to "Celebrate Recovery" and it has really helped me change the way I see things... I am glad you are also on the journey... The rewards are "freedom".

Edited August 10, 2010 by Dot Matrix

[Twinky]

Good post, Dot.

We are to love others "as ourselves". But first we need to love ourselves!

Only later comes laying down our lives for our friends.

Being "living sacrifices" does not mean laying down our lives as doormats.

We're to be harmless to others, and generous to them. Give to those in need. Not to those who come simply to steal, kill and destroy.

AND>>>

We are also commanded to be as wise (or wary) as serpents (or snakes). Tread firmly and confidently on the ground, and most snakes will disappear quietly into the undergrowth.

From your perspective, perhaps treading firmly and confidently means saying "No!" or "That's enough," or "This is a loan; what arrangements for repayment can you make?" And meaning it.

(Mind you, I don't claim to be an expert...still working out the balance for myself! :blush: )

[Dot Matrix]

Not here often.

My response is this. I was speaking more deeply than the examples given so here is another one~

“Daddy, will you play with me?” This was the last thing the man wanted to hear from his son. He had just come home from a very long day at work. He was tired, hungry and all he wanted to do before dinner was sit down, read the newspaper and relax. “Daddy PLEEEEEASE?”

Suddenly the man had an idea. He took a full page from the newspaper that had a picture of the world on it and tore it up into several small pieces. Next, he went to a drawer and got a scotch tape dispenser. He gave the pieces of paper and the tape to his son and said, “Here is a jigsaw puzzle of the world, Buddy. Take it to your room and put it together. As soon as you bring it back to me, I’ll play with you, OK?”

His son excitedly ran off to his room to put the puzzle together and the man sat back in his chair to read his paper, very proud of the fact that he had outsmarted his son and bought himself some time.

To the man’s surprise, his son returned a very short time later with the whole puzzle perfectly put together. “How in the world did you put that puzzle together so quickly?” he asked incredulously. “It would have taken me more than twice as long to do it myself!”

His son answered him, “Well, Daddy, the picture of the world you gave me was too hard for me to figure out. But I noticed that a picture of a man’s hand was on the back of one of the pieces. Then I looked at another one and I saw his foot. It was easier for me to put one man together than the whole world, so I just did that. Then I noticed that as the man came together, so did the world around him!”

Couldn't help being amazed by the symbolism behind that little story.

When you get yourself together the world around you changes.

It is and it is not as simple as saying "no". Pile on life around it. And one winds up in a cult where girls have sex with men to please God and people sell their homes to please a man of God. Simple: Just say no!

How do certain people get conned and others do not? How are some able to walk away and others stay? How do some people sleep with people they do not want to be with and some don't. It is more complicated and layered. It is what compels us to make choices that are not good choices for us. Guilt? An over sense of obligation? Confusion about Christian love? How do some people wind up sending money to a guy from Nigeria? What triggers you? What triggers me to make unwise choices? When I inventoried my own life and removed layers of "in put" I had to look at behaviors and responses I recognized over and over and over again.

It takes a lot of work, honesty, evaluation, forgiveness and willingness to change. It takes realizing when your life is out of control and you feel powerless and turning it over to one who has the power to change us ~ Jesus Christ.

It is involved. It is a process. It takes accountability for our own actions. Not just saying, "I was in a cult" or whatever situation you want to look at. And then digging into why "I" or why "You" were in a cult. What is my accountability?

I want change. And I have to realize the only thing I can change is me. When "I" change then the world around me changes.

I bet they have meetings in th UK if you want to check it out. It is a nice thing to do for yourself. :)

[Twinky]

You're awesome, Dot.

And no - it's not always simple.

And there are "layers" of "others" to take into account.

Celebrate recovery...sounds great.

[Dot Matrix]

Twinky:

This is one little video showing one aspect of how life can "fall apart". But the answer in it, is ths answer for all areas that "fall apart". In each of our lives the "need" for resurrection is not in the "once saved always saved" thinking. We have a daily, if not minute by minute "need" for resurrection.... IMHO

Edited January 9, 2011 by Dot Matrix

[Dot Matrix]

In conclusion:

It is a crazy life that makes parts or the whole of us crazy at times, because we live "here", in the disingenuous context of a fallen world.

But if we cleave onto GOD, not a group pretending to speak FOR him, but to GOD, we will be okay....

Groucho stated this several times (I paraphrase):

"Go to GOD to find God. And then, if you find a place to corporately worship that is great. But if you let a group find and define God for you ~ when the group gets distorted in their thinking ~ then your understanding of God can become distorted. Develop a personal relationship with GOD.... Don't ever surrender your personal relationship with God to anyone or anything... Retain your faith ~ unshakable!"

The insanity I allowed in my life? The biggest “open door” was my misunderstanding of “love” and being as God is love it was subsequently my lack of understanding God. So, I have been going to “God” to know “him”. And in my friendship with God, the doors, to the life he wants me to have, have flung open….

I contested the wrong teaching, congested thinking and askew behaviors. I stopped running, hiding, defending and excusing any and all of it. I accepted my own responsibility in any victimization. And when truly a victim, I stopped the course of reaction and instead "try" to always fight back with a logical, loving godly response.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=t0TvoCZJAJI&feature=related

See your life through the eyes of God....

There are things in life you'll learn and

In time you'll see

Cause out there somewhere

It's all waiting

If you keep believing

So don't run, don't hide

It will be all right

You'll see, trust me

I'll be there watching over you

Just take a look through my eyes

There's a better place

somewhere out there

Just take a look through my eyes

Everything changes

You'll be amazed what you'll find

If you look through my eyes

There will be times on this journey

All you'll see is darkness

Out there somewhere daylight finds you

If you keep believing

So don't run, don't hide

It will be all right

You'll see, trust me

I'll be there watching over you

Just take a look through my eyes

There's a better place

somewhere out there

Just take a look through my eyes

Everything changes

You'll be amazed what you'll find

If you look through my eyes

All the things that you can change

There's a meaning in everything

And you will find all you need

There's so much to understand

Just take a look through my eyes

There's a better place

somewhere out there

Just take a look through my eyes

Everything changes

You'll be amazed what you'll find

If you look through my eyes

Take a look through my eyes

I leave you with love...

Edited January 10, 2011 by Dot Matrix

[excathedra]

god is love as is christ

that's nice eh?

[Dot Matrix]

god is love as is christ

that's nice eh?

Very... :)

[Ham]

truth is a pathless place, isn't it really?

:)