I know EXACTLY what you are going through... I feel the same way when I start my writing up again. It feels like I'm doing something WRONG by writing - or by trying to go back to school for my chosen career. I did pick up a completely new creative outlet to work in, and that has helped a lot.
My husband is in the same boat - he has pretty much given up on playing music in front of people for the time being, as well as composing. He was playing professionally before becoming involved in twi - playing at clubs, made a CD, and was getting some airtime on local radio with his original music. Now he's switched instruments in an effort to snap out of it, and is learning to play drums.
My advice is JUST KEEP DOING IT. It makes you happy, and you deserve to be happy.
And I AM SOOOOOO HAPPY you are getting this opportunity to play!
If you are good at it.. Don't give it up.. Heck no.. I do understand the gnawing thoughts that TWI put in there.. They were all about people giving up their talents so they could be TWI's scrub brush or chair stringers... If I was in TWI now, I'd be saying, Renew your mind man, get over TWI and get back into those instruments! lol.. But I'm not.. Thankfully!
The expertise I have in certain areas of life, while I still pick them up, I do from time to time have my mind wonder back to the thoughts TWI used to criticize. And all in all, for me, it just serves now as a time to recheck and ensure I haven't left out God in whatever area I do serve in. I think as long as you don't go out and be like some singers that forget where they came from, forget their family and friends, forget God who blesses em, play on!
The thing I play is a trip, I face a change to play where I have no business playing. I have been doing this for over 30 years, their seems to be gaps in songs? I thought it would be cool for someone to do a lead bass approach, but have that bass line, someone bouncing around that bass line. Think outside of the box?
So I should be happy about this, no? Well, I am, BUT - here is the kicker. By mid-day I am happy, giddy, excited, practicing my music, working with a fellow musician as we sting together an acoustic / electric duo to get started. The day wears on, still excited and happy. Goto sleep happy. Except, when I wake up I am filled with self-loathing, guilt, and disgust, as if I am doing something terribly wrong by choosing the career that I am most suited to follow. What gives? Can anyone tell me wtf that is all about?
Thanks in advance for the help.
PTSD, bro.
You've made very deep conflicting life choices in these two paths. Those roots go down deep into your emotional psyche. You'll probably experience that form of a nightmare for a while, waking or asleep, and it may recur occasionally even after you've worked through it from time to time. It's all in your emotions, bro, and those will heal.
As far as the path you are entering, there are many ways to serve God, and I'm sure He likes a talented picker as much as the rest of us. Look at David in the Bible. That doesn't mean you have to play "Christian Contemporary" music either. Although actually there's some modern Christian bands I really like. Functioning in an area developing your God-given talents IS serving God. Regardless of whether you play in a club, or on a church stage. I mean He was the one that gave you genetic talent, and allowed for the environment to develop it from a youth. So furthering that work is ABSOLUTELY NOT against anything to do with the will of God.
You are not one of those who have a talent; you are one of those who have become their talent. I camped out three days in 0 degree, and I got to hang on to Randy Roads stage monitor; become the talent.
I was watching this show one time about Creed; so I came up with this "Life within flesh and bone" cd; I though that we could sit down and reason these song out, and then they could do the music, I do not know if that makes sense? So I call whatever and got a sectary, comes to find out that their stuff is being written in some department, so I hung up the phone. Do not let the department get you down, their has to be some crazy out of the world ideal or sound, you can and you will.
You can have what I got; but that follow up cd, is from the heart of something Twinky posted; Twinky gets a good good cut of your talant, it would be so cool to bring ideals together to help others out. Your talant could help Twinky out? Crazy thinking, think outside the box.
After reading what you wrote and looking at it from an outsider view....I'm just telling you what I see....it may be right, it may be wrong....I'm not claiming any expertise.
You said you were WC. Being WC it was pretty much drilled into your head that you had a higher calling than most. I don't know you so maybe you were even ordained. Part of what I think is really trashing your joy is that you feel like you aren't really fulfilling your "calling". That God had put you on a path with Godly purpose So you feel guilty about it...You feel you should be doing something "more spiritual" for God. Now you aren't on that path, but instead going back to your music. Maybe he's putting you on the path he had for you to be on ORIGINALLY, but you took a left turn there for a few years. (we all did)
You sound like you are extremely talented and gifted. Though set aside for a while, I believe God has restored your vision for your future. I played music before TWI...and I had a horrible time getting back into it. I had just "lost" the passion I had for it...but God Brought people back into my life that helped me regain that area. I played for many years, sometimes even in bands....and in the last year have gotten away from it in favor of writing. Another thing I was doing before TWI and now it's my vision for myself.
What an opportunity you have and what friends you have to be there for you. Connections like that just don't happen every day by coincidence. Jump into it and have fun. There's great healing in it for you!!!! And there's great freedom.
PTSD....we all have it I think!!! It messes with us.
The wisest thing I could tell you is, "Give it Time" and in the meantime keep going forward with it...keep walking through the open doors, keep playing....and one day it will be as natural to you and bring such joy in your life, you'll not know why you ever felt guilty about it.
I know exactly what you are going through. I was a musician and played lead guitar starting in high school open house bands, onto Berklee, into the corps and in the TWI corps dance bands, then staff bands, etc.
I hated Way prod. VP had a vision of Lawrence Welk and had a hard time relating to us young hippies.
Oldskool, I was then bugged for a few years I should put down my guitars because "God has better things for you." Right...
Finally, after intense pressure on staff, I sold my '68 SG and a couple of other guitars worth a fortune now. It was driven into me that God did not want me doing music. It was with much regret I sold them. In fact, when I brought them in to sell to my friend who ran the local music store, I couldn't tell him the real reason I was selling them. We had been buddies and went to the clubs to see bands together on my down time on staff at Emporia. I had quite the "double life" while on staff there. Anyway, he was my friend, I told him I was selling them to get money for a motorcycle. He then said, keep your guitars, I'll lend you the money for the bike. I was stunned - a natural man offering to front me a loan and almost begging me to keep those guitars.
Long story short, a few years later, I left TWI and moved to NYC. It took me two full years to think that maybe, just maybe, it was ok with God if I played again. I went to a pawnshop, picked up a guitar and started going to the blues jams on 14th Street at Dan Lynch's - the only blues club in the City. It went great. I then had to brush up on my rock, since I had been in TWI and on staff for so long - guitar players had come a long way since Clapton (who I could play note for note). So I woodshedded for a few months, learned EVH, Randy Rhodes, George Lynch, etc. - just learned their styles and licks.
I ended up playing metal/hardcore/thrash in all - probably every single club in NYC - those were fun times - Metal up your a## (Metallica) in the '80s and early '90s in NYC - what an awesome time to be there!
So, my point is - GO FOR IT! If it makes you happy - do it - enjoy it!
My Brother is good friends with Billy Falc8on who is in Nashville and writes for Bon Jovi and has a lovely house in Nashville, with the pool, etc. with the royalties he's made from writing with Jon.
It took awhile to get out of the TWI "waybrain" about their whole convoluted take on music. Venture forth...
For me, God has "repaid the years the locusts have eaten" (Joel), and I have a nice little "vintage" collection and my '80s Kramer collection. God is good :)
I play a jaws harp, their is a lonely walk with a talent, I play that song from Rush "Workingman" I down right get mean with that song. I cooked in Fl, and Molly Hatchet stayed at the motel thing next to where I cooked, I got to deliver their food to them; Molly Hatchet right there in my face, jaws harp in my car, I can play the hell out of Molly Hatchet, but I knew I had something else to do more important. Trippe stuff, how much stuff, one could get caught up in.
OldSkool, I am so excited for you!!! I think the self-loathing part of you that you wake up with is (and pardon if I sound bit Jungian) is a part of you that is still splintered off that needs to be reintegrated. we split so many parts of ourselves off and put them in boxes in dark closets in our minds in order to survive in twi. we're so used to them being there that we can't see them in our conscious mind, so they come out at night and infuse our dreams with symbols.
self-doubt, while outwardly spoken against in twi, was actually programmed into us so that we doubted our every decision unless it was rubber-stamped by twi leaders.
at the expense of sounding very crazy, might I suggest that maybe you need to have a little talk with that part of yourself that is being so loud. maybe it's a part of yourself left over from twi that is still in a box and wants to be heard and reassured.
a few times when finding those shadow selves, or splinters of myself I'd pushed away, all I had to do was mentally acknowledge that I was ignoring part of myself and I needed to pay attention, absorb, reconnect, whatever.
so there's a deep-rooted part of yourself that could not thrive in twi. it's an emotional part that was broken off a long time ago and it's never had to deal with this before and it needs reassurance.
twi taught us to ignore our many mental facets by teaching us that they're devil spirits, so we fight them. I think twi had it so wrong that we ended up damaging ourselves by breaking ourselves in pieces.
Chockfull, I know Sk*p M**quite, who recently passed away went through the same thing. For years he wouldn't touch his sax - not God's will. He finally picked it up again, played with old buddies Tower of Power and was blessed. I was always glad he got back to doing what he loved.
Music is one of God's greatest gifts to mankind. Play. Play with all of your heart, soul, mind and strength.
I don't know what kind of music you are playing, but I get more pleasure and peace listing to Brad Paisley, Eric Clapton, B.B. King, and many others than I do when I listen to Christian music played half heartedly. Play. Play for God if you want. He likes music too. but play. You can bring more deliverance to people playing jazz, blues, pop and country and other music with all your heart thatn you can any other way. The music will heal you too. But play. I've seen to many miserable Christians who called by God to entertain and either gave up their music, or tried to keep it in a small Christian box when God wanted it opened up wide.
Go for it with passion, OldSkool. Who gave you the talent? So go glorify God, and use what he gave you. Don't bury that talent in the ground ... wait, you already did that. Time to exhume it and get using it. Life is to be lived and enjoyed.
Heck, God thinks music is so important that at the time of establishing the rites of the Israelite congregation, he had a whole division of singer-songwriters.
TWI put you under a guilt trip about anything that wasn't connected with what they thought was God's will for your life. They are expert in that at least - instilling guilt and self-condemnation. Send it right back where it belongs.
Maybe you can post some audio tracks somehow - GS Radio???
(Musack in the Cafe, hey, things get better every day!)
Thanks for the replies. Sunesis that was most helpful. This has really helped me, mostly by knowing that I am not alone and knowing that I can work through this and learn to cope. Thanks!
I bookmarked this page. Some day I might get to meet with pawtucket, and I will show him this stuff. Stay true to your newnature dude. Play whatever, and sit on that song. And write another one, and sit on that song. Do not think about what your playing, it is not for you to know why you are playing, what you are playing, what your doing has a bigger part of a picture.
I bookmarked this page. Some day I might get to meet with pawtucket, and I will show him this stuff. Stay true to your newnature dude. Play whatever, and sit on that song. And write another one, and sit on that song. Do not think about what your playing, it is not for you to know why you are playing, what you are playing, what your doing has a bigger part of a picture.
I can't speak for Pawtucket.
As for me, though, I NEVER again want to feel like it's not for me to know what or why I'm playing. And I definitely don't want to feel like what I'm doing is part of some "bigger picture". That's all part of the crap that TWI fed me in order to convince me to surrender my individuality.
One has to try and claim into this man's heart, being one these dude's who plays that kind of stuff, one is face with a lot of struggles. But what if this guy writes something for those people after the gathering together, that fires them up? This man has a dream somewhere, go for it dude.
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JavaJane
I know EXACTLY what you are going through... I feel the same way when I start my writing up again. It feels like I'm doing something WRONG by writing - or by trying to go back to school for my chosen career. I did pick up a completely new creative outlet to work in, and that has helped a lot.
My husband is in the same boat - he has pretty much given up on playing music in front of people for the time being, as well as composing. He was playing professionally before becoming involved in twi - playing at clubs, made a CD, and was getting some airtime on local radio with his original music. Now he's switched instruments in an effort to snap out of it, and is learning to play drums.
My advice is JUST KEEP DOING IT. It makes you happy, and you deserve to be happy.
And I AM SOOOOOO HAPPY you are getting this opportunity to play!
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OldSkool
Thanks for the advice, and thanks for the encouragement!
edit: removed quote
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TrustAndObey
If you are good at it.. Don't give it up.. Heck no.. I do understand the gnawing thoughts that TWI put in there.. They were all about people giving up their talents so they could be TWI's scrub brush or chair stringers... If I was in TWI now, I'd be saying, Renew your mind man, get over TWI and get back into those instruments! lol.. But I'm not.. Thankfully!
The expertise I have in certain areas of life, while I still pick them up, I do from time to time have my mind wonder back to the thoughts TWI used to criticize. And all in all, for me, it just serves now as a time to recheck and ensure I haven't left out God in whatever area I do serve in. I think as long as you don't go out and be like some singers that forget where they came from, forget their family and friends, forget God who blesses em, play on!
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teachmevp
The thing I play is a trip, I face a change to play where I have no business playing. I have been doing this for over 30 years, their seems to be gaps in songs? I thought it would be cool for someone to do a lead bass approach, but have that bass line, someone bouncing around that bass line. Think outside of the box?
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chockfull
PTSD, bro.
You've made very deep conflicting life choices in these two paths. Those roots go down deep into your emotional psyche. You'll probably experience that form of a nightmare for a while, waking or asleep, and it may recur occasionally even after you've worked through it from time to time. It's all in your emotions, bro, and those will heal.
As far as the path you are entering, there are many ways to serve God, and I'm sure He likes a talented picker as much as the rest of us. Look at David in the Bible. That doesn't mean you have to play "Christian Contemporary" music either. Although actually there's some modern Christian bands I really like. Functioning in an area developing your God-given talents IS serving God. Regardless of whether you play in a club, or on a church stage. I mean He was the one that gave you genetic talent, and allowed for the environment to develop it from a youth. So furthering that work is ABSOLUTELY NOT against anything to do with the will of God.
Anyway, that's the way I see it.
Oh, and by the way, just one question.
Is Joe Satriani seed?
Just kidding.
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krys
Maybe it will help if you think of it as God is restoring to you what the locusts have eaten.
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teachmevp
You are not one of those who have a talent; you are one of those who have become their talent. I camped out three days in 0 degree, and I got to hang on to Randy Roads stage monitor; become the talent.
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teachmevp
I was watching this show one time about Creed; so I came up with this "Life within flesh and bone" cd; I though that we could sit down and reason these song out, and then they could do the music, I do not know if that makes sense? So I call whatever and got a sectary, comes to find out that their stuff is being written in some department, so I hung up the phone. Do not let the department get you down, their has to be some crazy out of the world ideal or sound, you can and you will.
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teachmevp
Form a band, and I will give you this "Life in flesh and bone" cd. Your follow up cd, just got posted today.
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teachmevp
You can have what I got; but that follow up cd, is from the heart of something Twinky posted; Twinky gets a good good cut of your talant, it would be so cool to bring ideals together to help others out. Your talant could help Twinky out? Crazy thinking, think outside the box.
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newlife
After reading what you wrote and looking at it from an outsider view....I'm just telling you what I see....it may be right, it may be wrong....I'm not claiming any expertise.
You said you were WC. Being WC it was pretty much drilled into your head that you had a higher calling than most. I don't know you so maybe you were even ordained. Part of what I think is really trashing your joy is that you feel like you aren't really fulfilling your "calling". That God had put you on a path with Godly purpose So you feel guilty about it...You feel you should be doing something "more spiritual" for God. Now you aren't on that path, but instead going back to your music. Maybe he's putting you on the path he had for you to be on ORIGINALLY, but you took a left turn there for a few years. (we all did)
You sound like you are extremely talented and gifted. Though set aside for a while, I believe God has restored your vision for your future. I played music before TWI...and I had a horrible time getting back into it. I had just "lost" the passion I had for it...but God Brought people back into my life that helped me regain that area. I played for many years, sometimes even in bands....and in the last year have gotten away from it in favor of writing. Another thing I was doing before TWI and now it's my vision for myself.
What an opportunity you have and what friends you have to be there for you. Connections like that just don't happen every day by coincidence. Jump into it and have fun. There's great healing in it for you!!!! And there's great freedom.
PTSD....we all have it I think!!! It messes with us.
The wisest thing I could tell you is, "Give it Time" and in the meantime keep going forward with it...keep walking through the open doors, keep playing....and one day it will be as natural to you and bring such joy in your life, you'll not know why you ever felt guilty about it.
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Sunesis
I know exactly what you are going through. I was a musician and played lead guitar starting in high school open house bands, onto Berklee, into the corps and in the TWI corps dance bands, then staff bands, etc.
I hated Way prod. VP had a vision of Lawrence Welk and had a hard time relating to us young hippies.
Oldskool, I was then bugged for a few years I should put down my guitars because "God has better things for you." Right...
Finally, after intense pressure on staff, I sold my '68 SG and a couple of other guitars worth a fortune now. It was driven into me that God did not want me doing music. It was with much regret I sold them. In fact, when I brought them in to sell to my friend who ran the local music store, I couldn't tell him the real reason I was selling them. We had been buddies and went to the clubs to see bands together on my down time on staff at Emporia. I had quite the "double life" while on staff there. Anyway, he was my friend, I told him I was selling them to get money for a motorcycle. He then said, keep your guitars, I'll lend you the money for the bike. I was stunned - a natural man offering to front me a loan and almost begging me to keep those guitars.
Long story short, a few years later, I left TWI and moved to NYC. It took me two full years to think that maybe, just maybe, it was ok with God if I played again. I went to a pawnshop, picked up a guitar and started going to the blues jams on 14th Street at Dan Lynch's - the only blues club in the City. It went great. I then had to brush up on my rock, since I had been in TWI and on staff for so long - guitar players had come a long way since Clapton (who I could play note for note). So I woodshedded for a few months, learned EVH, Randy Rhodes, George Lynch, etc. - just learned their styles and licks.
I ended up playing metal/hardcore/thrash in all - probably every single club in NYC - those were fun times - Metal up your a## (Metallica) in the '80s and early '90s in NYC - what an awesome time to be there!
So, my point is - GO FOR IT! If it makes you happy - do it - enjoy it!
My Brother is good friends with Billy Falc8on who is in Nashville and writes for Bon Jovi and has a lovely house in Nashville, with the pool, etc. with the royalties he's made from writing with Jon.
It took awhile to get out of the TWI "waybrain" about their whole convoluted take on music. Venture forth...
For me, God has "repaid the years the locusts have eaten" (Joel), and I have a nice little "vintage" collection and my '80s Kramer collection. God is good :)
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teachmevp
I play a jaws harp, their is a lonely walk with a talent, I play that song from Rush "Workingman" I down right get mean with that song. I cooked in Fl, and Molly Hatchet stayed at the motel thing next to where I cooked, I got to deliver their food to them; Molly Hatchet right there in my face, jaws harp in my car, I can play the hell out of Molly Hatchet, but I knew I had something else to do more important. Trippe stuff, how much stuff, one could get caught up in.
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chockfull
Sunesis - awesome story.
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potato
OldSkool, I am so excited for you!!! I think the self-loathing part of you that you wake up with is (and pardon if I sound bit Jungian) is a part of you that is still splintered off that needs to be reintegrated. we split so many parts of ourselves off and put them in boxes in dark closets in our minds in order to survive in twi. we're so used to them being there that we can't see them in our conscious mind, so they come out at night and infuse our dreams with symbols.
self-doubt, while outwardly spoken against in twi, was actually programmed into us so that we doubted our every decision unless it was rubber-stamped by twi leaders.
at the expense of sounding very crazy, might I suggest that maybe you need to have a little talk with that part of yourself that is being so loud. maybe it's a part of yourself left over from twi that is still in a box and wants to be heard and reassured.
a few times when finding those shadow selves, or splinters of myself I'd pushed away, all I had to do was mentally acknowledge that I was ignoring part of myself and I needed to pay attention, absorb, reconnect, whatever.
so there's a deep-rooted part of yourself that could not thrive in twi. it's an emotional part that was broken off a long time ago and it's never had to deal with this before and it needs reassurance.
twi taught us to ignore our many mental facets by teaching us that they're devil spirits, so we fight them. I think twi had it so wrong that we ended up damaging ourselves by breaking ourselves in pieces.
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Sunesis
Chockfull, I know Sk*p M**quite, who recently passed away went through the same thing. For years he wouldn't touch his sax - not God's will. He finally picked it up again, played with old buddies Tower of Power and was blessed. I was always glad he got back to doing what he loved.
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Keith
Music is one of God's greatest gifts to mankind. Play. Play with all of your heart, soul, mind and strength.
I don't know what kind of music you are playing, but I get more pleasure and peace listing to Brad Paisley, Eric Clapton, B.B. King, and many others than I do when I listen to Christian music played half heartedly. Play. Play for God if you want. He likes music too. but play. You can bring more deliverance to people playing jazz, blues, pop and country and other music with all your heart thatn you can any other way. The music will heal you too. But play. I've seen to many miserable Christians who called by God to entertain and either gave up their music, or tried to keep it in a small Christian box when God wanted it opened up wide.
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Twinky
Go for it with passion, OldSkool. Who gave you the talent? So go glorify God, and use what he gave you. Don't bury that talent in the ground ... wait, you already did that. Time to exhume it and get using it. Life is to be lived and enjoyed.
Heck, God thinks music is so important that at the time of establishing the rites of the Israelite congregation, he had a whole division of singer-songwriters.
TWI put you under a guilt trip about anything that wasn't connected with what they thought was God's will for your life. They are expert in that at least - instilling guilt and self-condemnation. Send it right back where it belongs.
Maybe you can post some audio tracks somehow - GS Radio???
(Musack in the Cafe, hey, things get better every day!)
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Keith
Great Idea.
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waysider
Do What You Like!
<object width="480" height="385"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y9NjV4Cxnqc&hl=en_US&fs=1&"></param><param'>http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y9NjV4Cxnqc&hl=en_US&fs=1&"></param><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"></param><param name="allowscriptaccess" value="always"></param><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y9NjV4Cxnqc&hl=en_US&fs=1&" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowscriptaccess="always" allowfullscreen="true" width="480" height="385"></embed></object>
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OldSkool
Thanks for the replies. Sunesis that was most helpful. This has really helped me, mostly by knowing that I am not alone and knowing that I can work through this and learn to cope. Thanks!
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teachmevp
I bookmarked this page. Some day I might get to meet with pawtucket, and I will show him this stuff. Stay true to your newnature dude. Play whatever, and sit on that song. And write another one, and sit on that song. Do not think about what your playing, it is not for you to know why you are playing, what you are playing, what your doing has a bigger part of a picture.
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waysider
I can't speak for Pawtucket.
As for me, though, I NEVER again want to feel like it's not for me to know what or why I'm playing. And I definitely don't want to feel like what I'm doing is part of some "bigger picture". That's all part of the crap that TWI fed me in order to convince me to surrender my individuality.
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teachmevp
One has to try and claim into this man's heart, being one these dude's who plays that kind of stuff, one is face with a lot of struggles. But what if this guy writes something for those people after the gathering together, that fires them up? This man has a dream somewhere, go for it dude.
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