Therapy... Seriously. It helped A LOT.. I went first by myself and then with my husband. There are a lot of people who are victims of spiritual abuse, not just from twi. A good therapist will have some experience in that category. Ask if it's something they are familiar with. I went to a psychotherapist - they ask a lot of questions to help you understand what you are thinking and why.
Read here at GSC. Post here, ask questions
Also read "The Subtle Power of Spiritual Abuse."
Get a different version of the Bible if you still want to read it. I put mine away for a while becuase it made me think in twi brain when I pulled it out.
And be thankful that you are out... I personally am thankful for twi - without them I never would have met my husband or had my daughter. Both are irreplaceable. And think of the people you can help now.
And you may never get over it. And that is ok. I'm probably never going to. It was my entire life for over 20 years.
realize that no matter how long or short of time you spent in TWI it affects all of us differently.
What really helps the most at least for me is reading here about what other people went through and how they look at what was taught in TWI..
Listen to those radio broadcasts... on the main page
read the articles on the main page post on here ask question read a lot think alot. and give yourself time to work through it. Don't be afraid to cry about it... or be angry about it. because you will be and just when you think you have sorted your feelings out you will read something else some one went through and you will find your heart aching or you will find your anger coming to the surface again.
Like Java Jane I to am actually thankful in part to the ministry while being horrified in the other parts of me..
for me TWi is how I met my lovely sweetie pie of a husband and because of that I have two wonderful daughters and of course hubby's family as part of my life .
I also was the rare exception who had a really wonderful WOW year in which I grew and came to really understand myself more. TWI afforded me the oppertunity to escape an abusive home life..
And I was lucky as I left early on so my damage was minimal..I pretty much entirely missed the whole martindale anger ministry.
For me stumbling into the Grease spot Cafe has given me the opportunity to examine all those TWI beliefs, I have been carrying around for 30 years, and finally begin the process of eradicating the ones I don't want and even some I thought were true but learned were not.
OF course it must be said WELCOME to the Cafe.
I am glad you are here and welcome to a new fork in the road as you move through your life.
You may not always agree with people on here but that is okay .
This place is about safely sharing your thoughts and actually evaluating what you have been taught and deciding if it really is true or false.
IT is about recognizing all that was good or bad about your experience in TWI.
IT is about learning the TRUTH about TWI.
IT is about leaving behind the anger, haughtiness and arrogance.
Remember that God is who he says He is. Work on getting yourself into relaxed and trusting mode again with Him. Pray....not the "father thank you" but just honest heart sharing asking Him to help you with direction.
Also - get to know who Jesus Christ really is. We were raised on "the bible takes the place of the absent Christ" but Jesus Christ isn't absent....... Bury your head in the gospels and also in Psalms and Proverbs
It takes a little time, but it was 23 years of learning now to unlearn. Not everything you were taught was wrong. And we are all individuals so somethings that you can easily overcome, somebody else may have trouble with and the other way around. Stick around here at least until you get your feet underneath you again....and keep asking questions!
Congratulations...this is going to be a great adventure so be patient with yourself and you will be fine.
I think simply talking (or posting) till you're all talked out is about as good a therapy as you can get. It worked for me, anyway.
I'm not much of a "believer" anymore (of much of anythiing - though the basic laws of physics seem to hold up pretty well), so I don't put much faith (read "none") in any sort of relationship with some invisible being. I've never seen any benefit in that (though I know there are legions who will take me to task on that point), in or out of WayWorld.
But just posting day in and day out for months on WayDale helped me work out a lot of the angst and resentment that I'd been harboring for years. It finally got to the point where I just didn't care to talk about TWI anymore. It eventually just became irrelevant to me. As I think it will for you too, given a little time.
I think I'd recommend reading too, but NOT the Bible. Gawd, you've had enough of that for awhile, doncha think? A couple of good reads that I enjoyed in my "decompressing" phase were "Guns, Germs and Steel" - gave me a much-needed alternate view of mankind and civilization, and "Confuscious Lives Next Door", and "Why People Believe Weird Things", among others. Really, anything other than religious stuff was a wonderful change of pace, and allowed me a little space to detox.
Yeah, and there's regret too. I don't know as that ever goes away. Hell, we wasted a large portion of our lives for basically nothing. That's a bitter pill to swallow. But, what the hell, lots of others have done as much and worse. And it's done now, so the only thing to do is make the best of what time we've got left. Oh well...
I never read a Bible for many years. And then couldn't pick up a KJV. I liked The Message because it's so radically different. I read all sorts of versions now.
Enjoy your friends and family, who love and support you despite your Way-weirdness. Don't "judge" them for what they do and think all their actions are devil-spirit inspired. (You'll get yourself really confused.)
Read a lot here, and think about the discussions. You will be very surprised at the range of views. Shocked, maybe, about how far some of us have "strayed from the truth." ...No, we haven't, we're just trying to make sense of things.
Be patient with yourself. God loves YOU. He will never leave or abandon you. Jesus loves YOU (you might have some difficulty with coming to terms with "Jesus" since he was hardly mentioned in TWI) and he won't abandon you either.
I think you said it best when you used the words "innie" and "outie"
For instance, I'm a Cubs Fan,.. and I'm a Democrat. Those are a couple of things I identify with. But if the Cubs are doing something stupid in thier Baseball season, or if their coach makes stupid decisions,.... I don't have to agree! Same with the Democrats. In these two areas (and in many others) I have the privilige to think for myself.
The Way International did not allow for freedom of thought, and actively works to eliminate people's freedom of choice. The problem with this, of course, is that the leaders there,... are not infallible. And you're not to criticize their Owner, Batting Coaches, General Manager, etc.
It's their Way or the Highway. They've eliminated your free choice, free speech - and even regulated your freedom of thought. How many times did you do something - not because you wanted to, but because you knew what they expected - or said something you didn't want to because the parrot in you overrode whatever thoughts you might have had?
No, no, no. No more! See, you're now allowed to think again! It's actually your first step. You and I talked somewhere else, and I think you're a wonderful person! I'm very glad you're here.
Like you, I got involved in TWI in my early twenties and left in my early forties. Married and had kids in TWI. My hubby was in longer, he was onee of the wows that got me in PFAL.
I deliberatly quit speaking in tongues because it was what I did when I was anxious or something wasn't best. I had to remind myself NOT to sit just like I once reminded myself to sit back in my early way days.
I hung out at GSC for a couple years, then took a break then came back. I did a lot of reading on churches, belief, faith etc. Hung out at Beliefnet and religioustolerance.org. Went to mainstream churches with crosses above their altars. I came to the conclusion that th ugliness we experienced in TWI was ultimately based on their 'right' doctrine and authoritarian structure. Some people were just always going to be better than others, a fundamental unequalness that lead to abuse.
I read things that in TWI would have been not allowed. I thought things that were not allowed by TWI renewed mind doctrine. Somewhere in those early years I quit believing that every human on earth should believe a certain form of Christianity and we should all be the same.
I have found that many/most people I meet are kind and I see ordinary people maintain friendships, do kind actions all the time. It made the people I knew in my later years in TWI look driven and selfish and cynical about others...
I'm not sure I am "Over it" yet and I've been out for 23 years! However I certainly am not where I was when I first left.
When I first left I didn't know what to do or where to go. I had estranged my family and now my mother didn't trust me at all. I tried church and that didn't work because I had my defenses regarding doctrine and beliefs that were still tied to TWI. I remember a couple inviting me their house (This was 2 months out) for Christmas Eve and being aghast at the Christmas tree and the Christmas music and thinking "what am I doing here".
I wasn't sure I knew God at all, but I knew I wasn't gonna pray, Thank you God for this, thank you God for that........vain repetitions. I just didn't know so I prayed to the God of Abraham, Isaac and Jacob and I asked for help. I needed help, I couldn't fix myself and I knew it. I asked for God to put me back together and I had to believe that He would.
I did go to therapy for a number of years....that was helpful. I found out after I got out I had an addiction problem. So I entered into recovery...where I learned how to change, how to live healthy and addressed a lot of issues in my life. That's a process that is still going on today.
I read books, some that have already been mentioned here. I read books that people had written about their group experience and could relate to what they had written. I hung out here at grease spot in the chat room and on the forums.
A lot of it has been knowing it's ok to give myself permission to do things like,
Note read the bible for awhile or to read different versions
To listen to music that wasn't TWI, I love James Taylor and Carole King.
To let people be people and that they were wonderful without taking a class.
To read novels and whatever book I wanted to read
To be social with people and be on their level not above them.
To rid myself of TWI materials and be ok with it
I realized that I was entangled by fear....afraid to this or do that because God wouldn't approve. I found out that I was not a "copped out believer in Left field".
I had been in a prison that I didn't know I was in....and was so used to it that now having so much freedom, it was scary to actually accept it.
"Getting over it" is a process...and it takes time. You never know when something will pop up and you'll be like, oh I've never seen that before in me, or I didn't realize I was still believing that.
Today, my life is so very different than the day I left. I'm not the same person at all. I'm am very grateful for the path I have taken since leaving. I am a better person now than I was even before I got into TWI and certainly since leaving.
I encourage you to continue to hang out here, to ask for help, and to ask questions.
There's so much posted here in different topics that could be beneficial to you.
But ALWAYS remember, you are NOT alone. You have a ton of people sorting out their lives like you are. We can tell you what we have done in our lives...some of it you will utilize, some you will not. You are a unique person and your path to healing will be a little different than the next person....just follow the leading if you think you need to do something. That's what I did.
1) I tried to find the "real" me again by getting back in touch with my oldest and best friends from high school and college (pre-twi, in other words)... and I looked at what my hobbies were back then, my likes and dislikes... and I tried them all over again. Some fit, some didn't. But it was a really good starting point.
2) I intentionally looked for opportunities to break every "way taboo" I could think of... I used forbidden words, I thought forbidden thoughts, I watched forbidden TV shows, and read forbidden books, I celebrated forbidden holidays...
3) I wrote and wrote and wrote and wrote and wrote... on WayDale, on Greasespot, to friends, just on the computer to myself... it really did't matter: I just VENTED. So, think your thoughts and put them out there, no matter if they are unorganized or rambling or don't even make perfect sense. Just let them run for awhile. (It took me about 18 months of this before I got most of it out of my system, and every single conversation I had didn't make me think of something about TWI!)
4) Let yourself grieve. It's okay to feel hurt and angry and full of regret over the years and the opportunities and the "might have beens" that you lost because of your time in TWI. They STOLE those things from you!! You have a right to feel something!! That doesn't make you a bad person.
5) Forgive yourself. Forgive yourself for being human enough to want to do good in this world, and for making the mistake of believing in the wrong people. Con-artists are able to do what they do because they are GOOD LIARS!!! They are chameleons and manipulators who instinctively know who to prey on, and how to get what they want out of people. That is their fault, not yours!!
6) While you are at it, try to forgive the rest of us that were equally duped and did things we are not very proud of that might have impacted you in a negative way. And if you get a chance to talk to someone who impacted your life, take it... just to find some kind of closure. --- I had a few encounters that didn't end well but at least I came away knowing "hey, those people are @$$-holes with or without TWI, lol"... and I could then leave that part of my twi-baggage behind me.
Hope these thoughts help even a little bit... everyone has to do it their own way, but this is what worked for me.
Hey there! Questioning is the very beginning, the start....examining...rethinking...it takes time...lots of it.
No one path works for all. Trust God to tailor an individual path of growth and healing for you.
REading is great hobbies even better to get you out amongst new people and mainstream ideas.
Many of my activities have been centered around raising the kids so wouldn`t be effective for another...what do you like? Get a pet, join the theatre, take classes at a local college, study martial arts, volunteer, ride horses, join a ball team...it is so fun to explore your interests develop your own unique gifts and attributes instead of being cookie cutter believers...and then watch God unfold himself to you through those things which ignite your passions and ideas.
What works for me doesn`t work for spouse, he likes to read/study periodicals, teachings from different offshoots...(shiver ;)) I don`t think that there is a wrong way.
You will meet new people, make friends, lose friends, become a vital part of your community...these are great times friend,
Hello everyone. I've been out for almost 2 years and have just started to realize that I need help to "get over it," after being in for 23 years...
Hi WAI. Your situation sounds very similar to someone I know, but different. She left TWI last year in part because of the various abuses that took place but is now fully engaged in a Way-offshoot ministry and still clings to all of the doctrine (all of it: the law of believing, SIT, four crucified, six denials, etc.)
While it is not of primary concern to me, I would like to her "shake off" all that doctrine, rethink her beliefs and start again with a new ministry. I probably wouldn't be feeling this way if I hadn't come across this forum late last year (I am neither an ex-TIWer nor a bible scholar). Up until I read this forum I was swallowing the Kool Aid via some CES/CFFM classes she had sent me.
I've sent her various threads from this forum but she's not receptive to them.
I think that part of her problem is that she is physically removed from her friends and family from the old days. (She lives in the midwest and we're all from NY.) There's nobody around to grab her by the shoulders and say, "Wake up, girl!"
I lost her to TWI long time ago. And even though I'll never have her back I would love to see her reject all that doctrine and start anew.
I thought you were just a bunch of Way-bashers and that I had more important things to do with my time and life.
What's more important than Way-bashing?
What I care about is how do you do it?
How do you deal with the insult to your intelligence to know that you were in a corrupt cult, but you couldn't see it for all those years? You thought it was God's chosen ministry, and now you know it was a bunch of lies, scandals, and hypocrisy. What a slap in the face. How have you reconciled that in your mind?
I spend a lot of time in the game threads in the Greasespot Gallery and Reading Room.
If you're thick-skinned, try Politics 'n Tacks.
Oh, and when I left, I thought it was just a problem with megalomaniacal leaders. All the scandal stuff I learned about later.
One thing I have learned is this: those of us who were duped by twi were NOT STUPID PEOPLE. You are not stupid, I am not stupid. I would say that the population of GSC as a whole is pretty intelligent. The posts here are (for the most part) intelligent and well thought out. (Except when I digress into my stupid jokes - I have the sense of humor of an 8 year old sometimes)... It's not like we lack intelligence or insight. So don't beat yourself up on that point.
But you should pat yourself on the back for being smart enough to leave.
I am still working through this. The deal breaker for me was seeing the "law of believing" fall apart. This then led me to examining every major topic that the way teaches. I just tried to start neutral and reexamine each major point of doctrine to see where I could see the way was "off", and where I wasn't sure. I unclenched my tightly woven opinions about everything and opened up to different possibilities. But for me the most freeing thing in moving on was the ability to look at an issue of life and honestly say..."I don't know." That is something I never would have said while in the way.
I am still working through this. The deal breaker for me was seeing the "law of believing" fall apart. This then led me to examining every major topic that the way teaches. I just tried to start neutral and reexamine each major point of doctrine to see where I could see the way was "off", and where I wasn't sure. I unclenched my tightly woven opinions about everything and opened up to different possibilities. But for me the most freeing thing in moving on was the ability to look at an issue of life and honestly say..."I don't know." That is something I never would have said while in the way.
But for me the most freeing thing in moving on was the ability to look at an issue of life and honestly say..."I don't know."
Here-Here!!! --- It was a fear of "not knowing" that lured me into twi, so to now say "I don't know and it's okay that I don't know" is a BIG deal and VERY liberating.
One thing I have learned is this: those of us who were duped by twi were NOT STUPID PEOPLE. You are not stupid, I am not stupid. --- But you should pat yourself on the back for being smart enough to leave.
JavaJane, I'm so glad you made this point... it's a really important one!!
Getting over it for me was fairly straightforward. I spent several years before I actually left questioning and re-examining virtually all of their doctrine, so their teachings were pretty much dismantled in my mind when I was booted. As far as "the fellowship", I was treated so nastily the last few years that I was 'in' that I felt no love or affection for anyone still involved in TWI.
I think everyone gave great advice.. So I won't add to em..
I really don't know what you ought, should, or could do to get over them, it is different for everyone. But there was listed a great many suggestions..
What I can do, is suggest some things NOT TO DO to get over them..
Such as:
Don't read another TWI book ever for a very long time..
Don't join another group especially one that had affiliations with TWI, at least for a few years (hopefully never)..
Don't put your thoughts and life in a box, realize there are many possibilities, and no one has a corner on truth..
Don't put God in a box, and think any one or many groups have the sole answers to define Him..
Don't think God has left you, He worked with Israel for milleniums and still never gave up..
and overall.. just don't worry.. Take life one step at a time.. Each step puts TWI further away in the rear view mirror. But keep walking..
And of course, those are just what comes to my mind that might (or might not) help..
Thanks everyone for all the great input. I also appreciate being able to see other outies' perspectives. I'll look into some of the books mentioned. Another person I know (off GSC) mentioned counseling, too. Can't reply to everyone, but I've appreciated all of the posts.
after leaving twi, I was unable to make decisions by myself for several years so ended up relying on bad advice from opinionated family members. I was diagnosed with PTSD because of abuse by twi leaders and my ex-husband and did some intensive therapy for it. I've been out now for 3.5 years and I think the cognitive-behavioral therapy has been a key component of recovery... but then I also have Aspergers. I'm not sure how much more difficult my transition, from lock-step group-think to having the ability to identify my own beliefs and desires, has been because of my particular brain configuration. maybe it's made some things easier, because I was never tempted to join any of the off-shoots, and because I'm analytical by nature it seemed like a natural process to sift through every belief I'd held dear as an innie to see if it had any practical value in the real world.
Something about the phrase "get over it" just makes me bristle. This is what our abusers demanded of us. Don't talk about how you feel. Don't acknowledge the negative, the unresolved hurt that still stings, still lingers. Get over it. Go witnessing. Move the Word. Speak in tongues. Do anything but honestly deal with reality. They kick the crap out of you and then chastise you for any sign of pain, any whimper. Get over it.
I want to be over it too, but I'm not. And that'll have to do. Friend, take your time, and don't feel like you have to be over it.
Ed H, you get over it. Rosalie, you get over it. All you other F*ckers that have shut down a hurting soul with a cliche when you should have been listening. You know what to do. Get over it.
Thanks everyone for all the great input. I also appreciate being able to see other outies' perspectives. I'll look into some of the books mentioned. Another person I know (off GSC) mentioned counseling, too. Can't reply to everyone, but I've appreciated all of the posts.
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JavaJane
Therapy... Seriously. It helped A LOT.. I went first by myself and then with my husband. There are a lot of people who are victims of spiritual abuse, not just from twi. A good therapist will have some experience in that category. Ask if it's something they are familiar with. I went to a psychotherapist - they ask a lot of questions to help you understand what you are thinking and why.
Read here at GSC. Post here, ask questions
Also read "The Subtle Power of Spiritual Abuse."
Get a different version of the Bible if you still want to read it. I put mine away for a while becuase it made me think in twi brain when I pulled it out.
And be thankful that you are out... I personally am thankful for twi - without them I never would have met my husband or had my daughter. Both are irreplaceable. And think of the people you can help now.
And you may never get over it. And that is ok. I'm probably never going to. It was my entire life for over 20 years.
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leafytwiglet
realize that no matter how long or short of time you spent in TWI it affects all of us differently.
What really helps the most at least for me is reading here about what other people went through and how they look at what was taught in TWI..
Listen to those radio broadcasts... on the main page
read the articles on the main page post on here ask question read a lot think alot. and give yourself time to work through it. Don't be afraid to cry about it... or be angry about it. because you will be and just when you think you have sorted your feelings out you will read something else some one went through and you will find your heart aching or you will find your anger coming to the surface again.
Like Java Jane I to am actually thankful in part to the ministry while being horrified in the other parts of me..
for me TWi is how I met my lovely sweetie pie of a husband and because of that I have two wonderful daughters and of course hubby's family as part of my life .
I also was the rare exception who had a really wonderful WOW year in which I grew and came to really understand myself more. TWI afforded me the oppertunity to escape an abusive home life..
And I was lucky as I left early on so my damage was minimal..I pretty much entirely missed the whole martindale anger ministry.
For me stumbling into the Grease spot Cafe has given me the opportunity to examine all those TWI beliefs, I have been carrying around for 30 years, and finally begin the process of eradicating the ones I don't want and even some I thought were true but learned were not.
OF course it must be said WELCOME to the Cafe.
I am glad you are here and welcome to a new fork in the road as you move through your life.
You may not always agree with people on here but that is okay .
This place is about safely sharing your thoughts and actually evaluating what you have been taught and deciding if it really is true or false.
IT is about recognizing all that was good or bad about your experience in TWI.
IT is about learning the TRUTH about TWI.
IT is about leaving behind the anger, haughtiness and arrogance.
And finding peace and acceptance of who you are.
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krys
Remember that God is who he says He is. Work on getting yourself into relaxed and trusting mode again with Him. Pray....not the "father thank you" but just honest heart sharing asking Him to help you with direction.
Also - get to know who Jesus Christ really is. We were raised on "the bible takes the place of the absent Christ" but Jesus Christ isn't absent....... Bury your head in the gospels and also in Psalms and Proverbs
It takes a little time, but it was 23 years of learning now to unlearn. Not everything you were taught was wrong. And we are all individuals so somethings that you can easily overcome, somebody else may have trouble with and the other way around. Stick around here at least until you get your feet underneath you again....and keep asking questions!
Congratulations...this is going to be a great adventure so be patient with yourself and you will be fine.
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George Aar
I think simply talking (or posting) till you're all talked out is about as good a therapy as you can get. It worked for me, anyway.
I'm not much of a "believer" anymore (of much of anythiing - though the basic laws of physics seem to hold up pretty well), so I don't put much faith (read "none") in any sort of relationship with some invisible being. I've never seen any benefit in that (though I know there are legions who will take me to task on that point), in or out of WayWorld.
But just posting day in and day out for months on WayDale helped me work out a lot of the angst and resentment that I'd been harboring for years. It finally got to the point where I just didn't care to talk about TWI anymore. It eventually just became irrelevant to me. As I think it will for you too, given a little time.
I think I'd recommend reading too, but NOT the Bible. Gawd, you've had enough of that for awhile, doncha think? A couple of good reads that I enjoyed in my "decompressing" phase were "Guns, Germs and Steel" - gave me a much-needed alternate view of mankind and civilization, and "Confuscious Lives Next Door", and "Why People Believe Weird Things", among others. Really, anything other than religious stuff was a wonderful change of pace, and allowed me a little space to detox.
Yeah, and there's regret too. I don't know as that ever goes away. Hell, we wasted a large portion of our lives for basically nothing. That's a bitter pill to swallow. But, what the hell, lots of others have done as much and worse. And it's done now, so the only thing to do is make the best of what time we've got left. Oh well...
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Twinky
"Toxic Faith" is good to read, too.
I never read a Bible for many years. And then couldn't pick up a KJV. I liked The Message because it's so radically different. I read all sorts of versions now.
Enjoy your friends and family, who love and support you despite your Way-weirdness. Don't "judge" them for what they do and think all their actions are devil-spirit inspired. (You'll get yourself really confused.)
Read a lot here, and think about the discussions. You will be very surprised at the range of views. Shocked, maybe, about how far some of us have "strayed from the truth." ...No, we haven't, we're just trying to make sense of things.
Be patient with yourself. God loves YOU. He will never leave or abandon you. Jesus loves YOU (you might have some difficulty with coming to terms with "Jesus" since he was hardly mentioned in TWI) and he won't abandon you either.
Be angry. Be joyful. Be thankful.
Be yourself.
Be your real self.
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Gen-2
I think you said it best when you used the words "innie" and "outie"
For instance, I'm a Cubs Fan,.. and I'm a Democrat. Those are a couple of things I identify with. But if the Cubs are doing something stupid in thier Baseball season, or if their coach makes stupid decisions,.... I don't have to agree! Same with the Democrats. In these two areas (and in many others) I have the privilige to think for myself.
The Way International did not allow for freedom of thought, and actively works to eliminate people's freedom of choice. The problem with this, of course, is that the leaders there,... are not infallible. And you're not to criticize their Owner, Batting Coaches, General Manager, etc.
It's their Way or the Highway. They've eliminated your free choice, free speech - and even regulated your freedom of thought. How many times did you do something - not because you wanted to, but because you knew what they expected - or said something you didn't want to because the parrot in you overrode whatever thoughts you might have had?
No, no, no. No more! See, you're now allowed to think again! It's actually your first step. You and I talked somewhere else, and I think you're a wonderful person! I'm very glad you're here.
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Bramble
Like you, I got involved in TWI in my early twenties and left in my early forties. Married and had kids in TWI. My hubby was in longer, he was onee of the wows that got me in PFAL.
I deliberatly quit speaking in tongues because it was what I did when I was anxious or something wasn't best. I had to remind myself NOT to sit just like I once reminded myself to sit back in my early way days.
I hung out at GSC for a couple years, then took a break then came back. I did a lot of reading on churches, belief, faith etc. Hung out at Beliefnet and religioustolerance.org. Went to mainstream churches with crosses above their altars. I came to the conclusion that th ugliness we experienced in TWI was ultimately based on their 'right' doctrine and authoritarian structure. Some people were just always going to be better than others, a fundamental unequalness that lead to abuse.
I read things that in TWI would have been not allowed. I thought things that were not allowed by TWI renewed mind doctrine. Somewhere in those early years I quit believing that every human on earth should believe a certain form of Christianity and we should all be the same.
I have found that many/most people I meet are kind and I see ordinary people maintain friendships, do kind actions all the time. It made the people I knew in my later years in TWI look driven and selfish and cynical about others...
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newlife
I'm not sure I am "Over it" yet and I've been out for 23 years! However I certainly am not where I was when I first left.
When I first left I didn't know what to do or where to go. I had estranged my family and now my mother didn't trust me at all. I tried church and that didn't work because I had my defenses regarding doctrine and beliefs that were still tied to TWI. I remember a couple inviting me their house (This was 2 months out) for Christmas Eve and being aghast at the Christmas tree and the Christmas music and thinking "what am I doing here".
I wasn't sure I knew God at all, but I knew I wasn't gonna pray, Thank you God for this, thank you God for that........vain repetitions. I just didn't know so I prayed to the God of Abraham, Isaac and Jacob and I asked for help. I needed help, I couldn't fix myself and I knew it. I asked for God to put me back together and I had to believe that He would.
I did go to therapy for a number of years....that was helpful. I found out after I got out I had an addiction problem. So I entered into recovery...where I learned how to change, how to live healthy and addressed a lot of issues in my life. That's a process that is still going on today.
I read books, some that have already been mentioned here. I read books that people had written about their group experience and could relate to what they had written. I hung out here at grease spot in the chat room and on the forums.
A lot of it has been knowing it's ok to give myself permission to do things like,
Note read the bible for awhile or to read different versions
To listen to music that wasn't TWI, I love James Taylor and Carole King.
To let people be people and that they were wonderful without taking a class.
To read novels and whatever book I wanted to read
To be social with people and be on their level not above them.
To rid myself of TWI materials and be ok with it
I realized that I was entangled by fear....afraid to this or do that because God wouldn't approve. I found out that I was not a "copped out believer in Left field".
I had been in a prison that I didn't know I was in....and was so used to it that now having so much freedom, it was scary to actually accept it.
"Getting over it" is a process...and it takes time. You never know when something will pop up and you'll be like, oh I've never seen that before in me, or I didn't realize I was still believing that.
Today, my life is so very different than the day I left. I'm not the same person at all. I'm am very grateful for the path I have taken since leaving. I am a better person now than I was even before I got into TWI and certainly since leaving.
I encourage you to continue to hang out here, to ask for help, and to ask questions.
There's so much posted here in different topics that could be beneficial to you.
But ALWAYS remember, you are NOT alone. You have a ton of people sorting out their lives like you are. We can tell you what we have done in our lives...some of it you will utilize, some you will not. You are a unique person and your path to healing will be a little different than the next person....just follow the leading if you think you need to do something. That's what I did.
We're here for you!
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TheHighWay
1) I tried to find the "real" me again by getting back in touch with my oldest and best friends from high school and college (pre-twi, in other words)... and I looked at what my hobbies were back then, my likes and dislikes... and I tried them all over again. Some fit, some didn't. But it was a really good starting point.
2) I intentionally looked for opportunities to break every "way taboo" I could think of... I used forbidden words, I thought forbidden thoughts, I watched forbidden TV shows, and read forbidden books, I celebrated forbidden holidays...
3) I wrote and wrote and wrote and wrote and wrote... on WayDale, on Greasespot, to friends, just on the computer to myself... it really did't matter: I just VENTED. So, think your thoughts and put them out there, no matter if they are unorganized or rambling or don't even make perfect sense. Just let them run for awhile. (It took me about 18 months of this before I got most of it out of my system, and every single conversation I had didn't make me think of something about TWI!)
4) Let yourself grieve. It's okay to feel hurt and angry and full of regret over the years and the opportunities and the "might have beens" that you lost because of your time in TWI. They STOLE those things from you!! You have a right to feel something!! That doesn't make you a bad person.
5) Forgive yourself. Forgive yourself for being human enough to want to do good in this world, and for making the mistake of believing in the wrong people. Con-artists are able to do what they do because they are GOOD LIARS!!! They are chameleons and manipulators who instinctively know who to prey on, and how to get what they want out of people. That is their fault, not yours!!
6) While you are at it, try to forgive the rest of us that were equally duped and did things we are not very proud of that might have impacted you in a negative way. And if you get a chance to talk to someone who impacted your life, take it... just to find some kind of closure. --- I had a few encounters that didn't end well but at least I came away knowing "hey, those people are @$$-holes with or without TWI, lol"... and I could then leave that part of my twi-baggage behind me.
Hope these thoughts help even a little bit... everyone has to do it their own way, but this is what worked for me.
THW
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rascal
Hey there! Questioning is the very beginning, the start....examining...rethinking...it takes time...lots of it.
No one path works for all. Trust God to tailor an individual path of growth and healing for you.
REading is great hobbies even better to get you out amongst new people and mainstream ideas.
Many of my activities have been centered around raising the kids so wouldn`t be effective for another...what do you like? Get a pet, join the theatre, take classes at a local college, study martial arts, volunteer, ride horses, join a ball team...it is so fun to explore your interests develop your own unique gifts and attributes instead of being cookie cutter believers...and then watch God unfold himself to you through those things which ignite your passions and ideas.
What works for me doesn`t work for spouse, he likes to read/study periodicals, teachings from different offshoots...(shiver ;)) I don`t think that there is a wrong way.
You will meet new people, make friends, lose friends, become a vital part of your community...these are great times friend,
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soul searcher
Hi WAI. Your situation sounds very similar to someone I know, but different. She left TWI last year in part because of the various abuses that took place but is now fully engaged in a Way-offshoot ministry and still clings to all of the doctrine (all of it: the law of believing, SIT, four crucified, six denials, etc.)
While it is not of primary concern to me, I would like to her "shake off" all that doctrine, rethink her beliefs and start again with a new ministry. I probably wouldn't be feeling this way if I hadn't come across this forum late last year (I am neither an ex-TIWer nor a bible scholar). Up until I read this forum I was swallowing the Kool Aid via some CES/CFFM classes she had sent me.
I've sent her various threads from this forum but she's not receptive to them.
I think that part of her problem is that she is physically removed from her friends and family from the old days. (She lives in the midwest and we're all from NY.) There's nobody around to grab her by the shoulders and say, "Wake up, girl!"
I lost her to TWI long time ago. And even though I'll never have her back I would love to see her reject all that doctrine and start anew.
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bliss
Ditto what everyone said.
You don't/won't/can't do it overnight, or by ''renewing your mind''....
One day at a time.
Start with what you do believe. Which is hopefully, GOD.
Ask Him what to do.
Get rid of old bible /notes. Buy a new one.
If fellowship with others around God is what you need, then pray and go to a bunch of churches.
Don't let the foundational lies of '' JC is Not God" or "Are the Dead Alive Now"...distract you from worship and learning new beliefs.
You can tackle those over time and by allowing God to heal your heart.
Read here, read everywhere ,ponder, be still......
and WELCOME!!!
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GeorgeStGeorge
What's more important than Way-bashing?
I spend a lot of time in the game threads in the Greasespot Gallery and Reading Room.
If you're thick-skinned, try Politics 'n Tacks.
Oh, and when I left, I thought it was just a problem with megalomaniacal leaders. All the scandal stuff I learned about later.
George
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JavaJane
One thing I have learned is this: those of us who were duped by twi were NOT STUPID PEOPLE. You are not stupid, I am not stupid. I would say that the population of GSC as a whole is pretty intelligent. The posts here are (for the most part) intelligent and well thought out. (Except when I digress into my stupid jokes - I have the sense of humor of an 8 year old sometimes)... It's not like we lack intelligence or insight. So don't beat yourself up on that point.
But you should pat yourself on the back for being smart enough to leave.
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Gen-2
Hahahaha! Oh I had this funny thought,... You know how the fish sees the lure - and he thinks to himself "Boy, I'll bet that tastes real good..."
I've been that fish before - lured in... Then one day I realized I was Human and that I didn't want worms in my mouth.
oH Wait,.... I'm not sure there's a point to this,................. >>>Snicker<<<
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Hairgirl
I am still working through this. The deal breaker for me was seeing the "law of believing" fall apart. This then led me to examining every major topic that the way teaches. I just tried to start neutral and reexamine each major point of doctrine to see where I could see the way was "off", and where I wasn't sure. I unclenched my tightly woven opinions about everything and opened up to different possibilities. But for me the most freeing thing in moving on was the ability to look at an issue of life and honestly say..."I don't know." That is something I never would have said while in the way.
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Gen-2
You didn't like the worms either,... hunh?
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TheHighWay
Here-Here!!! --- It was a fear of "not knowing" that lured me into twi, so to now say "I don't know and it's okay that I don't know" is a BIG deal and VERY liberating.
JavaJane, I'm so glad you made this point... it's a really important one!!
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Oakspear
Getting over it for me was fairly straightforward. I spent several years before I actually left questioning and re-examining virtually all of their doctrine, so their teachings were pretty much dismantled in my mind when I was booted. As far as "the fellowship", I was treated so nastily the last few years that I was 'in' that I felt no love or affection for anyone still involved in TWI.
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TrustAndObey
I think everyone gave great advice.. So I won't add to em..
I really don't know what you ought, should, or could do to get over them, it is different for everyone. But there was listed a great many suggestions..
What I can do, is suggest some things NOT TO DO to get over them..
Such as:
Don't read another TWI book ever for a very long time..
Don't join another group especially one that had affiliations with TWI, at least for a few years (hopefully never)..
Don't put your thoughts and life in a box, realize there are many possibilities, and no one has a corner on truth..
Don't put God in a box, and think any one or many groups have the sole answers to define Him..
Don't think God has left you, He worked with Israel for milleniums and still never gave up..
and overall.. just don't worry.. Take life one step at a time.. Each step puts TWI further away in the rear view mirror. But keep walking..
And of course, those are just what comes to my mind that might (or might not) help..
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What About It
Thanks everyone for all the great input. I also appreciate being able to see other outies' perspectives. I'll look into some of the books mentioned. Another person I know (off GSC) mentioned counseling, too. Can't reply to everyone, but I've appreciated all of the posts.
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potato
after leaving twi, I was unable to make decisions by myself for several years so ended up relying on bad advice from opinionated family members. I was diagnosed with PTSD because of abuse by twi leaders and my ex-husband and did some intensive therapy for it. I've been out now for 3.5 years and I think the cognitive-behavioral therapy has been a key component of recovery... but then I also have Aspergers. I'm not sure how much more difficult my transition, from lock-step group-think to having the ability to identify my own beliefs and desires, has been because of my particular brain configuration. maybe it's made some things easier, because I was never tempted to join any of the off-shoots, and because I'm analytical by nature it seemed like a natural process to sift through every belief I'd held dear as an innie to see if it had any practical value in the real world.
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shortfuse
Something about the phrase "get over it" just makes me bristle. This is what our abusers demanded of us. Don't talk about how you feel. Don't acknowledge the negative, the unresolved hurt that still stings, still lingers. Get over it. Go witnessing. Move the Word. Speak in tongues. Do anything but honestly deal with reality. They kick the crap out of you and then chastise you for any sign of pain, any whimper. Get over it.
I want to be over it too, but I'm not. And that'll have to do. Friend, take your time, and don't feel like you have to be over it.
Ed H, you get over it. Rosalie, you get over it. All you other F*ckers that have shut down a hurting soul with a cliche when you should have been listening. You know what to do. Get over it.
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chockfull
IMO, things of this nature, you don't 'get over it'. You 'get through it'. And start to build positive things in your life.
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