Although I have not been to OHIO in almost twenty years and I have not gone to a fellowship or heard ateaching in just about as many.
I am not "out' in my mind. I often wonder what my life would have been if I never got involved with twi.
My involvement changed my life . radicaly. and those whom I love. I do not think I can go back to not thinking about some of the stuff I think about now. stuff brought to me by twi.
I do not know how. I went to college, I raised my children, I work and I am happy .
but still I know Im different, than I was before twi, is it middle age? nah not all of it, twi changed me and how I think .
I have done alot of personal who am I work. and that is a part of what makes me , me. I accept that as a fact of my life.
I left my husband in the fall of 97 - our divorce was final almost two years later. I stayed in TWI until January 2000 when I decided I had had enough. At first I felt like I had been through TWO divorces...
My first husband was very controlling, suspicious and quick to "think evil" of me. I seldom got the benefit of the doubt in any situation where something wasn't black and white - i.e. if he caught me talking to another man - even at work (I worked retail mostly while we were together). The TWI leadership I expereinced in my area when I returned wasn't much better. There were some bright spots but overall they were very controlling, suspicious and quick to think evil of me.
I was lost when I first left my husband. I had had hobbies and interests but they had all taken a back burner because we were so busy with the ministry and what was the profit of pursuing them? I was into reading novels, watercolor painting, sewing, music, etc. before I had gotten married or super involved with TWI. I spent a lot of time by myself getting into whatever I wanted for hobbies - it was FUN! It was also FUN to make decisions for myself. For once I wasn't asking someone if it was okay for me to take a new job or buy a new outfit - yippee! I'd go on daytrips - just get in my car and follow a road - I found some great corners of New England that way!
I think it was in getting back in touch with those things that made me happy and getting my self-esteem from myself - not from my spouse - that made me see how controlling TWI really was and to consider leaving.
After leaving TWI I wasn't really lost - the main thing I was missing was friends outside TWI. Not just people who had left and lived to tell about it but NON-X-TWI-ers. I'm the kind of person who doesn't have a lot of friends but the few friends I have will be friends for life. It didn't take me long to gain in that area of my life either.
The most valuable thing I learned in all this is to not be afraid of failure. TWI taught us to point fingers the moment failure happened - (i.e. lack of planning, lack of believing, not enough abs, etc.) - rather than to just take ownership for something and MOVE ON!
Sorry this is so long - but sweet sister Belle I think we've got a lot in common and I couldn't help but share what I've seen and where I've been... Hope it helps....
You guys make me feel so good… I’m not the only one with a case of arrested development!!! When you think about it, many of us maintained a 20-something lifestyle well into our 30s and 40s… not buying a house, moving around, not raising in the ranks of our jobs because we didn’t stay anywhere long enough, not worrying about having “better things” in life (furniture, cars, insurance, etc) because that would be too worldly-minded…
Belle, I did what you are doing… went back to old friends and family. Tried to remember what I liked to do before twi, to see if I still liked it. In most cases, I still do. And mostly, I had to learn that it was okay to RELAX. Nap when you get home from work. Sleep in on a Sunday. Have a pizza and a beer while watching a really “spiritually crappy” movie. Spend an entire weekend reading a book.
I distinctly remember the moment I realized I had been reading a book for hours and NOT stopped myself several times in the process, feeling guilty. I was such a wound-up person… it was such a habit to not allow myself free/fun time. And it was such a relief to realize I could get that freedom back. Hang in there… you will too!
I feel too that I am coming back to more of the core of who I was before TWI. Maybe the teenager in me is there because I took PFAL at 18, and from then on threw myself into the "work FOR, uh duh I mean work of the ministry." Maybe that is how and where some of my emotional growth became stunted. I have thrown caution to the wind so to speak, and done a few things to "validate" my freedom and decision that ABSOLUTELY NO ONE WILL EVER CONTROL ME AGAIN" since I have been out. Now I am settling in again. Of course this past year I lost my mother also and this has brought a lot of emotional turmoil as I have gone through the grieving process.
So I am working on it, but sometimes those old "TWI" mandates still come to mind in my day by day activities. For example, I might decide to take a different way home from work, and the first thing my stomach does is jump with fear. For a split second or two I think I am being "tricked by the adversary" to take a different route, so he can hurt me and that God won't protect me because I changed my mind on which route to take home. (Anyone who was in TWI2 can probably relate to this).
To get over these types of incidents, I just tell myself that God loves me, and he is not there just waiting for me to make a mistake so that he can "get me". How devilish TWI doctrine can be when you examine it in the true light of God's love.
Y'all are so kewl! Chas, we are definitely going to have to meet some day. :)-->
So, we're all in our 20's again and the parents aren't home! :D--> Seriously, I think it's been healing to see things through the eyes of a youngster again. I know you can't make up for lost time, but it certainly helps make the transition a lot smoother.
outofdafog - I agree that growing in self-esteem and relying only on ourselves for validation is one of the major keys to enforcing healthy boundaries for ourselves. I think these are some of the tactics TWIt leaders used to keep us feeling inadequate and scared that God also considered us unworthy of love and protection:
covert intimidation examples: greasespot by midnight; God can't protect you; you're opening the door to let the adversary in your life, etc.
quote:
Covert Intimidation -Aggressors frequently threaten their victims to keep them anxious, apprehensive and in a one-down position. Covert-aggressives intimidate their victims by making veiled (subtle, indirect or implied) threats.
Guilt-tripping –This is one of the covert-aggressive's two favorite weapons (the other is shaming). It's a special kind of intimidation tactic. One thing that aggressive personalities know well is that other types of persons have very different consciences than they do. Manipulators are often skilled at using what they know to be the greater conscientiousness of their victims as a means of keeping them in a self-doubting, anxious, and submissive position. The more conscientious the potential victim, the more effective guilt is as a weapon.
Shaming –This is the. technique of using subtle sarcasm and put-downs as a means of increasing fear and self-doubt in others. Covert-aggressives use this tactic to make others feel inadequate or unworthy, and therefore, defer to them. It's an effective way to foster a continued sense of personal inadequacy in the weaker party, thereby allowing an aggressor to maintain a position of dominance. When Joe loudly proclaimed any "good" parent would do just as he was doing to help Lisa, he subtly implied Mary would be a "bad" parent if she didn't attempt to do the same. He "invited" her to feel ashamed of herself.
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mj412
Although I have not been to OHIO in almost twenty years and I have not gone to a fellowship or heard ateaching in just about as many.
I am not "out' in my mind. I often wonder what my life would have been if I never got involved with twi.
My involvement changed my life . radicaly. and those whom I love. I do not think I can go back to not thinking about some of the stuff I think about now. stuff brought to me by twi.
I do not know how. I went to college, I raised my children, I work and I am happy .
but still I know Im different, than I was before twi, is it middle age? nah not all of it, twi changed me and how I think .
I have done alot of personal who am I work. and that is a part of what makes me , me. I accept that as a fact of my life.
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ChasUFarley
I left my husband in the fall of 97 - our divorce was final almost two years later. I stayed in TWI until January 2000 when I decided I had had enough. At first I felt like I had been through TWO divorces...
My first husband was very controlling, suspicious and quick to "think evil" of me. I seldom got the benefit of the doubt in any situation where something wasn't black and white - i.e. if he caught me talking to another man - even at work (I worked retail mostly while we were together). The TWI leadership I expereinced in my area when I returned wasn't much better. There were some bright spots but overall they were very controlling, suspicious and quick to think evil of me.
I was lost when I first left my husband. I had had hobbies and interests but they had all taken a back burner because we were so busy with the ministry and what was the profit of pursuing them? I was into reading novels, watercolor painting, sewing, music, etc. before I had gotten married or super involved with TWI. I spent a lot of time by myself getting into whatever I wanted for hobbies - it was FUN! It was also FUN to make decisions for myself. For once I wasn't asking someone if it was okay for me to take a new job or buy a new outfit - yippee! I'd go on daytrips - just get in my car and follow a road - I found some great corners of New England that way!
I think it was in getting back in touch with those things that made me happy and getting my self-esteem from myself - not from my spouse - that made me see how controlling TWI really was and to consider leaving.
After leaving TWI I wasn't really lost - the main thing I was missing was friends outside TWI. Not just people who had left and lived to tell about it but NON-X-TWI-ers. I'm the kind of person who doesn't have a lot of friends but the few friends I have will be friends for life. It didn't take me long to gain in that area of my life either.
The most valuable thing I learned in all this is to not be afraid of failure. TWI taught us to point fingers the moment failure happened - (i.e. lack of planning, lack of believing, not enough abs, etc.) - rather than to just take ownership for something and MOVE ON!
Sorry this is so long - but sweet sister Belle I think we've got a lot in common and I couldn't help but share what I've seen and where I've been... Hope it helps....
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TheHighWay
You guys make me feel so good… I’m not the only one with a case of arrested development!!! When you think about it, many of us maintained a 20-something lifestyle well into our 30s and 40s… not buying a house, moving around, not raising in the ranks of our jobs because we didn’t stay anywhere long enough, not worrying about having “better things” in life (furniture, cars, insurance, etc) because that would be too worldly-minded…
Belle, I did what you are doing… went back to old friends and family. Tried to remember what I liked to do before twi, to see if I still liked it. In most cases, I still do. And mostly, I had to learn that it was okay to RELAX. Nap when you get home from work. Sleep in on a Sunday. Have a pizza and a beer while watching a really “spiritually crappy” movie. Spend an entire weekend reading a book.
I distinctly remember the moment I realized I had been reading a book for hours and NOT stopped myself several times in the process, feeling guilty. I was such a wound-up person… it was such a habit to not allow myself free/fun time. And it was such a relief to realize I could get that freedom back. Hang in there… you will too!
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outofdafog
I feel too that I am coming back to more of the core of who I was before TWI. Maybe the teenager in me is there because I took PFAL at 18, and from then on threw myself into the "work FOR, uh duh I mean work of the ministry." Maybe that is how and where some of my emotional growth became stunted. I have thrown caution to the wind so to speak, and done a few things to "validate" my freedom and decision that ABSOLUTELY NO ONE WILL EVER CONTROL ME AGAIN" since I have been out. Now I am settling in again. Of course this past year I lost my mother also and this has brought a lot of emotional turmoil as I have gone through the grieving process.
So I am working on it, but sometimes those old "TWI" mandates still come to mind in my day by day activities. For example, I might decide to take a different way home from work, and the first thing my stomach does is jump with fear. For a split second or two I think I am being "tricked by the adversary" to take a different route, so he can hurt me and that God won't protect me because I changed my mind on which route to take home. (Anyone who was in TWI2 can probably relate to this).
To get over these types of incidents, I just tell myself that God loves me, and he is not there just waiting for me to make a mistake so that he can "get me". How devilish TWI doctrine can be when you examine it in the true light of God's love.
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Belle
Y'all are so kewl! Chas, we are definitely going to have to meet some day.
:)-->
So, we're all in our 20's again and the parents aren't home!
:D--> Seriously, I think it's been healing to see things through the eyes of a youngster again. I know you can't make up for lost time, but it certainly helps make the transition a lot smoother.
outofdafog - I agree that growing in self-esteem and relying only on ourselves for validation is one of the major keys to enforcing healthy boundaries for ourselves. I think these are some of the tactics TWIt leaders used to keep us feeling inadequate and scared that God also considered us unworthy of love and protection:
covert intimidation examples: greasespot by midnight; God can't protect you; you're opening the door to let the adversary in your life, etc.
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outofdafog
So, we're all in our 20's again and the parents aren't home!
Party at outofdafog's pad man............bring your own.....uh whatever.
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