Sometimes in the middle of my RRF experience I realized that even though I didn't have any answers I knew I was facing what I perceived as the most difficult choices in life.
But all these questions concerning love and loyalty seem easy in one respect darlin, I didn't have any children who were old enough to have to think for themselves to consider.
For me, I seemed to able to find a little breathing room in choosing to trust that eventually I would get what I needed to simply make it through a time of real turmoil for me.
But in all these things I vastly prefer to figure them out with you as opposed to continue to go it alone. :wub:
I think when kids get to a certain age, they HAVE to learn stuff for themselves. And I think they learn it better if they learn it for themselves. I know I did. I know I have regrets for things I didn't learn until it was too late, i.e. my relationship with my parents, but on the other hand, it was there to learn if I hadn't been so stupid.
How do we decide when to tell someone that we love a truth that we know is going to do some damage to them? Are some secrets better left there?
I guess, Shellon, that it all depends on the damage that will be done if you don't tell someone the truth. Not just the damage to that person, but perhaps the damage to others as well.
As ever, what has to be said should be done as positively as possible ... "speaking the truth in love" - and if one says something, then one needs to be honest in dealing with any questions it raises.
Other than that: it's okay not to tell everything you know. You have a great role model. Did God tell all that he knew or proposed? No, he just told his people bit by bit, at appropriate times. And he still has secrets that are not disclosed or not fully revealed.
Truth matters, if a person has lied to me or knew a fact but would not tell me because they are to afraid of losing the relationship I am not so sure that is love or healthy.
people and their children is a different story then a parent does know best and will answer to that relationship its self . If the child needs answers somone will tell them and they will go to the parent and hopefully a disscussion will happen.
For years I resented my mom, I was angry she didnt teach me about many things like a husband canleave ya or people die when ya need them most or money and education are important.
Truth is not opinion and one person perspective of what his/her truth is can be vastly different than the other person.
truth is often a person reality and how they interpret an event or situation, and my experience has been it is a very wide spectrum.
One may think they have abuducted by aliens and need to tell me the truth about it, and I reject the truth as unworthy.
So I also approach my own truth lightly as mostly only belonging to me and I consider it love when another can share their truth.
my friends husband is cheating on her , do I tell her?
she thinks he is golden. One time I didnt tell another time I did tell I think it depends on your own relationship with the person and if it can handle the truth .
Shellon, one thing I learned from my children in their teenage years is that they loved to hear about all my sufferings. I am serious. And I have to kind of chuckle right now thinking back about those years. The boy is 16 almost 17 so he knows most of it.
It made them feel like, "if mom went through it and came out on top then I can too." I have always been very honest with my children about everything. There is some ugly details about a divorce they have never heard and doubt they ever will unless they ask.
Hmmm what to tell and what not to tell.... this is always a difficult decision and rest assured no matter what you decide to do there will always be people on both sides of the fence telling you why you should have or should not have done what you did!
that being said... I never talked to my girls much about how I grew up or what I went through as an abused child.... They both knew I had been abused and just the barest of information... IF they ask I tell them about it but I do not go into great detail... but I have found that there has come a point in their life when what I endured became information that they required... Now the oldest she was in a psychology class and for the first time in her life realized that she had a source of information about some one who survived and came out on the other side okay and she wanted to know how I made it through with out all kinds of issues.. IT was a huge turning point in our relationship.. up until that point she was not too happy with me.
Now recently my youngest had a boyfriend.. the second alcoholic boyfriend in her life... a nice young man this one but still an alcoholic.. We had a long chat about what it means to be an alcoholic and what my experiences with it all were and what my experiences were with the situation. Interestingly when I tried to tell her this stuff with the first boyfriend she didn't want to hear it..
So if I had to say when to share information it would be when it is asked for or needed and if it is not received then not to go further with it.
Sooner or later they will seek you out for the information.
Sometimes it is more important to hurt them a little than to see them killed or badly maimed in heart head or body because the information was not offered.
I think, over the last days, I've figured out what I mean more clearly.
I'm their mother, I need to get to choose what of my life or certainly the life of their deceased father they hear.
Understandably, I can not nor would I ever want to keep them in some protective bubble; my children are realists, not by choice and they've been told the truth as it pertains to them individually and the given situation since they could understand the language of love and truth.
When someone else makes the choice for me, for them, to divulge things, that's when I'm piXsed off as a mama.
One of my baby's is almost 28 years old and living on her own, so of course I have no "control" over her information; don't want to. But I'm still her mama and I still want to protect her and certainly the memory of her dead father where and when I can.
The realist in each of them was taught by me and the reality is that I can't control it and it makes me mad.
Alot of what I wrote in My Story here I had to tell them first; I had no problem with that and there wasn't alot of new information for them.
I just want to choose what I tell them about me or the man they knew as daddy who can't defend himself. That's really it.
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JeffSjo
Sometimes in the middle of my RRF experience I realized that even though I didn't have any answers I knew I was facing what I perceived as the most difficult choices in life.
But all these questions concerning love and loyalty seem easy in one respect darlin, I didn't have any children who were old enough to have to think for themselves to consider.
For me, I seemed to able to find a little breathing room in choosing to trust that eventually I would get what I needed to simply make it through a time of real turmoil for me.
But in all these things I vastly prefer to figure them out with you as opposed to continue to go it alone. :wub:
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Watered Garden
I think when kids get to a certain age, they HAVE to learn stuff for themselves. And I think they learn it better if they learn it for themselves. I know I did. I know I have regrets for things I didn't learn until it was too late, i.e. my relationship with my parents, but on the other hand, it was there to learn if I hadn't been so stupid.
Does that make any sense at all?
WG
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Twinky
I guess, Shellon, that it all depends on the damage that will be done if you don't tell someone the truth. Not just the damage to that person, but perhaps the damage to others as well.
As ever, what has to be said should be done as positively as possible ... "speaking the truth in love" - and if one says something, then one needs to be honest in dealing with any questions it raises.
Other than that: it's okay not to tell everything you know. You have a great role model. Did God tell all that he knew or proposed? No, he just told his people bit by bit, at appropriate times. And he still has secrets that are not disclosed or not fully revealed.
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pond
Truth matters, if a person has lied to me or knew a fact but would not tell me because they are to afraid of losing the relationship I am not so sure that is love or healthy.
people and their children is a different story then a parent does know best and will answer to that relationship its self . If the child needs answers somone will tell them and they will go to the parent and hopefully a disscussion will happen.
For years I resented my mom, I was angry she didnt teach me about many things like a husband canleave ya or people die when ya need them most or money and education are important.
Truth is not opinion and one person perspective of what his/her truth is can be vastly different than the other person.
truth is often a person reality and how they interpret an event or situation, and my experience has been it is a very wide spectrum.
One may think they have abuducted by aliens and need to tell me the truth about it, and I reject the truth as unworthy.
So I also approach my own truth lightly as mostly only belonging to me and I consider it love when another can share their truth.
my friends husband is cheating on her , do I tell her?
she thinks he is golden. One time I didnt tell another time I did tell I think it depends on your own relationship with the person and if it can handle the truth .
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kimberly
Shellon, one thing I learned from my children in their teenage years is that they loved to hear about all my sufferings. I am serious. And I have to kind of chuckle right now thinking back about those years. The boy is 16 almost 17 so he knows most of it.
It made them feel like, "if mom went through it and came out on top then I can too." I have always been very honest with my children about everything. There is some ugly details about a divorce they have never heard and doubt they ever will unless they ask.
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waysider
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leafytwiglet
Hmmm what to tell and what not to tell.... this is always a difficult decision and rest assured no matter what you decide to do there will always be people on both sides of the fence telling you why you should have or should not have done what you did!
that being said... I never talked to my girls much about how I grew up or what I went through as an abused child.... They both knew I had been abused and just the barest of information... IF they ask I tell them about it but I do not go into great detail... but I have found that there has come a point in their life when what I endured became information that they required... Now the oldest she was in a psychology class and for the first time in her life realized that she had a source of information about some one who survived and came out on the other side okay and she wanted to know how I made it through with out all kinds of issues.. IT was a huge turning point in our relationship.. up until that point she was not too happy with me.
Now recently my youngest had a boyfriend.. the second alcoholic boyfriend in her life... a nice young man this one but still an alcoholic.. We had a long chat about what it means to be an alcoholic and what my experiences with it all were and what my experiences were with the situation. Interestingly when I tried to tell her this stuff with the first boyfriend she didn't want to hear it..
So if I had to say when to share information it would be when it is asked for or needed and if it is not received then not to go further with it.
Sooner or later they will seek you out for the information.
Sometimes it is more important to hurt them a little than to see them killed or badly maimed in heart head or body because the information was not offered.
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Shellon
I think, over the last days, I've figured out what I mean more clearly.
I'm their mother, I need to get to choose what of my life or certainly the life of their deceased father they hear.
Understandably, I can not nor would I ever want to keep them in some protective bubble; my children are realists, not by choice and they've been told the truth as it pertains to them individually and the given situation since they could understand the language of love and truth.
When someone else makes the choice for me, for them, to divulge things, that's when I'm piXsed off as a mama.
One of my baby's is almost 28 years old and living on her own, so of course I have no "control" over her information; don't want to. But I'm still her mama and I still want to protect her and certainly the memory of her dead father where and when I can.
The realist in each of them was taught by me and the reality is that I can't control it and it makes me mad.
Alot of what I wrote in My Story here I had to tell them first; I had no problem with that and there wasn't alot of new information for them.
I just want to choose what I tell them about me or the man they knew as daddy who can't defend himself. That's really it.
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leafytwiglet
Hugs Shellon...
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